ok, why is it that NO ONE told me that there is so much that needs to be done BEFORE i sit behind the wheel of my new vehicle. who in their right mind decided that people had to PAY to get a car inspected…are you serious?? ok and why in God’s name does some plates cost so much daggone money?? for all that, ii can make my own daggone plate and put em on the darn car. and the insurance…oh dear heavenly Father, the insurance. ok, i understand i am high risk, i know that im a first time driver, i know that im gonna want full coverage if anything ever happens to my precious lil car….but is it really worth ALL that money?? and why must i put down such an expensive down payment?? uuummm hello, im a lil on the broke side?? i just dont understand. then ii looked at the news recently and saw the gas prices….oh Jesus, you can come and take the car back for all that. me and MTA do just fine together. point is, this whole car situation is burning a major hole thru both my pockets and my damn wallet and its not really too fun. ii guess in the end it’ll be well worth it but all ii want is to get behind the wheel of MY car and DRIVE!! is that really too much to ask?? it shouldnt cost me my entire life savings to just drive a vehicle. but, ii am forever grateful to God above for opening double doors for this lil ol chick, ii prob wont be behind the wheel next week but looks like moreso the end of this month and ii can shout about that right now…hey hey hey!! sike, but seriously, despite the burn marks that have been left on my pants and the stench of no money in my pockets…all is well with me and my pockets can continue to burn if it means ill be driving MY OWN CAR in a few weeks. now, alls we gotta do is pick a name for my baby and we will be set. haha. keep praying guys.
ok… never again will ii do this to a person but all ii did was tell someone the truth about what was going on. what happened from there was not my fault. its a domino effect. i pushed the first one over but ii didnt know the rest of them would fall. is that wrong?? no, its called karma and in the end she will get what she deserves. now the truth is being revealed so what else can be said?? there is no covering it up and pushing it aside. the cat is out the bag and now whatever happens is gonna happen and oh well to the one that gets hurt in the process… you hurt three people so bad so whatever you are feeling right now is what you need to feel and maybe real soon you will be begging for forgiveness but of course that will never happen because you are always the victim. someone has always wronged you. someone is always doing you dirty but yet you have been lying, cheating, deceiving, and using people for your own selfish gain. karma is what you get…
yesterday ii was thinking about my life and future and all the things that ii want to happen in my life. ii took time to think about the things that ii have had the opportunity to experience, live thru and struggle with. when ii thought about it ii realized that ii am blessed. not because ii made it to where ii am or because ii have so many great things to look forward to but ii am blessed simply because ii have had the opportunity to experience what some people never have the chance to live thru. one of my really good friends said to me yesterday that most of the people in the world are on a search for REAL LOVE… almost everyone is either on a quest to find love or looking for the love they let go. when she said that, ii couldnt help but wonder which one was better?? looking for a love that you’ve never had or looking for a love that you let go. well, ii fit into one of those categories and perhaps my opinion is slightly biased but ii would have to say it is much better to look for a love you lost.
let me explain::
ii know what it is to experience true love. ii know what that feels like. ii know what its like to have someone take complete control of your heart and soul. the love that ii had was real and no one can tell me any different. when he touched me, held me, talked to me, let me lay on his shoulder, played in my hair, laughed at my jokes, sung with me, wrote me love letters, looked in my eyes…it was real. when he said he loved me, it was real and ii never ever questioned that. ii had the chance to feel that feeling that most people search a lifetime for. so, yeah, ii would much rather live trying to get that feeling back than to live without knowing what that feels like. and even if ii never feel that love again ii know in my heart that God found enough favor in me to allow me to know what its like to love and be loved. and because of that, ii have no problems if ii never feel that feeling again.
if ii could make a wish, ii would wish that the stupid Make A Wish Foundation would not be taking away my sister and bestie for a whole FIVE DAYS!! if ii could make a wish, ii would wish that somehow they could have a different wish so ii could somehow be near them during this exciting time. if ii could make a wish, ii would not be staying in BALTIMORE while they go all the way across seven seas and twenty four rivers to the BAHAMAS!! maybe they should be staying IN THE COUNTRY so that ii can feel a little bit connected. but tomorrow morning EARLY AS CRAP they will be going BY LIMO to the airport to venture off to foreign lands for a very long time. actually, ii am a lil happy cause ii get some time without them and PEACE && QUIET is greatly appreciated but ii dont think ii need five days away from them. nope, five days is way too long. but, Jazzzie deserves this. she’s been thru hell and she survived so im glad that her wish came true. Big Mama and Daddy Dearest deserve this because they have been thru this with her the entire time and this is a great way to reward them for staying strong thru everything. now, shink, ii dont really know if she deserves this lol… i mean, she might deserve a great best friend award. maybe even a trip to the ocean or something like that. BUT A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS FOR FIVE DAYS AND FOUR NIGHTS…um ii dont know if that is sufficient lmao. ii am hoping and praying that they enjoy every single second of their trip and that they return safely home with lots of gifts for me!!! lol. but um, anyways…im going on my own private trip on saturday. where to?? THE AQUARIUM!!! and of course its better than the bahamas…ii get to look at the fish, no one wants to swim with them.DuH!! lol. and ii get to sleep in my own lil bed because that is so much better than a five star hotel suite. and, my mother makes the best pancakes and id take that over free room service anyday!!! hahaha… ok. ii wont have as much fun as them but perhaps a few days with just me and the wifee is exactly what ii need so altho ii am missing them terribly already, ii know that ii am going to have fun this weekend as well. and ii get to do the honors of making the next scrap book!!
so be in prayer for them that they have loads of fun and that they remain safe this whole trip. and pray for me because ii have to drag myself out of bed at 4 am tomorrow morning just to see them off and take pix in the limo….they are lucky ii love them cause at 4 in the morning ii be just rolling over!! ii heart my besties.
im too the point now where ii feel like no matter what ii do, its never good enough. the things that ii do for people is not enough to get them to appreciate. the things that ii say are not enough to get people to listen. the life that ii live is not good enough for the person that is so much “better” than me. well guess what… ii dont care anymore. yesterday lil drummer boy said something to me that ii been thinking about for a while… “ii just said something bout it but your own guilty conscience made you change it” was he right?? yeah, in more ways than one. well, what was so right about it?? he reminded me that ii cant change people no matter how hard ii try. ii can say something about it as much as ii want to. ii can talk and talk until im blue in the face but if your own conscienceness doesnt kick in, you are not going to change. ii just thought about that today because someone that ii have tried to help for so long is not changing. she is stuck in the same shit, going in the same circle and ii am wondering why they wont change. plain and simple:: because they dont want to. so, im not stressing any more. not about her or anybody else in my life that refuses to change. people wanna be stuck in the same crap that they in so im to the point now where it doesnt even matter anymore. do you and ignore everything that ii say cause im thru talking. im tired of doing for people and im tired of giving my all for people that throw it all away. this is where we draw the line…since nothing that ii ever do or say is ever good enough ii guess no one will care when ii stop doing and ii stop talking and ii stop caring….
all day saturday ii was out with my mom and sisters. woke up at 7:30 to be at mva by 9. left there around 10:30 and went to the mall. seems like we were there for forever but we finally dropped Indi and the baby off at home and went to the grocery market to shop for easter dinner. after we put all the food in the house we went to the movies and didnt get back until about 10 that night. by the time we got back ii was beat. i had to get my stuff together for dance, help my sis do some stuff and then hopped face first in the bed by 11. the plan was to wake up at quater to 5 to wake up for sunrise service but a phone call around 12:30 threw a hex in that plan. line of the night…”SHE LIED!!” ok, ii think ii got that message loud and clear.
ii truely missed the sunrise service…maybe because ii didnt get back to sleep til after two…thanks so much alicia for waking me up in a panic… ii appreciate you. ii got there just in time for sunday school and we were on call to dance… message:: “you dont have to know what song is being played…just dance.” uumm, it took me a minute to get that word because it caused our dance to bomb completely, ii did get a good laugh in tho. but ii got it yesterday, just dance.
second service was cool. we knew the song we were dancing to and altho ii cant stand the song, the dance went smoothly besides the fact that they said Jesus five hundred and twenty seven times…what is up with that?? lol. but the word of that service… “ressurected” bishop was on point and ii promise that was the word ii needed to hear so ii went home pretty content.
we went home, ate dinner with the fam, laughed and enjoyed ourselves altogether. after everyone left my cousins whome ii havent seen in centuries came over. ii made them some plates and they sat and talked to us for a while. word…”ten hundred..” lol…it has no real meaning but now ii know not to say it lol. thanks Theodore, you’re brilliant!!
ii woke up yesterday morning to my nephew making noise in my living room. mommy cooked breakfast and ii was forever grateful lmao. we went to the mall so mommy could do some walking and let the baby run around like he owned the place and around 10:30 we were back in the house and ready for a nap. we all just sat around watching tv and ii just happened to check my myspace page…wowzers… two ppl sent me messages regarding language and ii think that ii got the word “dont allow what you say to contradict who you are..” ii guess sometimes we forget…
the next word came from my own lips… ii dont think ii thought about it before ii said it but after it came out ii gave it a lot of thought… this is what ii said to a really good friend “its not about that, its about being real, being true. not just to everyone else but to yourself. so yeah, ii am a liar cause ii was never true to me.” dont think ii have to really explain that.
ii got to my besties house and saw squirt and scooda and the awesome phrase of the hour was…”no more tisses!! please. ii love you but no more tisses!” lolzz… ii think ii got a lil too happy when ii saw them cause that really was a lot of kisses for both of them haha.
last and final word that ii received came around 8pm after a really funny dance practice… “sometimes you gotta deal with in the moment, talk it out, say how you feel and dont go to bed mad” and that, for some reason, was exactly what ii needed to hear.
it is only wednesday and ii am already crackin up over this weeks events. easter sunday is going to be hilarious. first off, ii know somebody is going to put their daughter in some white frilly dress with sling back white sandals and hair ribbons. and that same somebody is going to put that same daughter in some ugly thin shawl that is supposed to protect her from the tiny gusts of wind that come thru on easter morning. to that mother who is planning to torture that daughter, warning:: IT IS GOING TO BE FORTY SIX DEGREES ON EASTER!!! just thought she might want to know that before she sets herself up for failure. please put your children in COATS!!
and you would not believe that after two hours of sitting for two hours on monday trying to find a song to dance to, we picked some song that is ridic. seriously tho, this song got some wack beat in it so we was practicing and ii rocked off with this holy matrix move mixed with a tick and ii promised mo that i would do that on sunday morning. lmao. this is going to be funny but like India Arie said:: a promise is a promise haha.
ii am also deciding to renew my vows on easter sunday. somewhere along the line ii drew a line in the relationship that ii have created with Jesus. so that line will be erased somewhere around the spot where 5:45 slowly turns into 6am… translation, ii will be in church bright and early on sunday morning for sunrise service and ii know that there better be a mixed crowd on that parking lot when ii get there.
ii am showing up but ii will be dippin out to get a nap in before sunday school. ii am praying that someone brings in our early dismissal forms lmao. matter fact, im getting my own leave slips just in case she forgets. this should be funny, hey, we’re just being OBEDIENT…DuH.
and um, please Jesus allow a certain someone to get her hair did before she get up to dance on sunday morning because we all know that you dont want to rise and see that mess cause ii surely dont. we want to leave this Easter holy because we understand and appreciate the sacrifice that you made just you and I both know that someone should sacrifice a few dollars to get that weave done. Amen Jesus.
about three months ago I received a court summons because I didnt pay this stupid stupid credit card bill. so me and mommy read over it and everything and new that I was scheduled to be in court this morning at 9am sharp. so this morning I gets dressed and gets ready to go. I got my story straight and im ready to make up all these excuses as to why I didnt pay the bill [[it was good too yall, real good]] so we get there go thru these metal detectors and look for my name. what do you know?? my name is not on the board so i have to stand in this line. then the really nice lady behind the glass tells me that I dont have to be there. Well, duh mommy. I chose to blame it all on her because she is the one that told me that I had to go. so we rode all the way to the courthouse for nothing but lucky for me I got a free ride to work out the deal. I just think that next time I get a court summons I should actually READ it rather than throwing it in a box until the night before the court date… what do you think??
Sometimes people ammuse me. Really. There are so many people that just make me stop and think to myself “did they really just do/say that??” Now days, I just laugh at the ridiculous people because there is no point in saying anything. Like seriously, why waste my time?? There are so many FAKE people in this world that its actually sad and too many folk have this wack ass definition of what it means to be real. I’m forever true blue and oh well to you. If I avoid all dumb ass wack jobs I think that everyday can be an ok kinda day 🙂
In this life I have learned that when something seems too good to be true…usually it is. Yesterday I was reading AJB’s blog and it made me think about a lot of stuff. How often do we become the hypocrites that we so quickly despise?? I was sitting in my room Sunday evening and my besties asked me a very serious question. She asked if I was worried about how things will turn out and I told her no. I told her that I wasnt worried about it but I lied. We all hide behind something. We all wear our facades and we all try to call others out for doing what we are guilty of. What is the point of waking up everyday just to call someone else out when we just as wrong as they are. How can we point out someone elses flaws when we fail to see our own. I think the problem with people today is that they clean their mirrors a bit too much. YOUR REFLECTION IS NOT PURE!! Too many people walk around like their shit dont stink but yet their toilet is stopped up and over flowing. I have a problem with people who think that they are too good to be true. I have a problem with fake people but more than that I have a problem with people that are so quick to point out someone elses wrongs. Life is nothing but a game of hide and seek and until we stop hiding behind ourselves and stop seeking out the lies that we have mistaken for truths nothing in this world will ever be ‘that good’. But, this is the life that we live and this is what people have conformed to, so what makes me think that things will change??
[{GRaViTY}] 
leave a comment