[{GRaViTY}]

wow. thats all ii can say

Posted in acceptance, actions, friends, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 12, 2008
the past week or so has been very eventful and tiring but ii cannot complain because it has been excellent. tomorrow is friday and ii am soo excited even tho ii know that nothing spectacular will happen lol [[or atleast ii think it wont]] ii am extremely tired from being out doing NOTHING last night. we rode back and forth with Jones-Z while he recruited people. oh, sorry. Jones is a recruiter for the marines and a very good friend. for some weird reason unknown to man we were at his office ALL day yesterday and then had to ride with him to go pick up the new kids. in the midst of all that there was car trouble so we were out like later than normal and now ii am sleepy as hell. something has to be done about this. either starbucks or sleep and since sleep aint coming til tonight ii def need a caramel frapp like right now. anyways. everyone. ii am officially a red hed!!! YaY!! ii just want you all to know and be as excited as me because ii am loving it. it is super hott lolzz. but, it is prob going to be sweated out by tomorrow cause ii have so much work to do when ii get home. scrubbing floors, washing clothes, moving furniture and all that good stuff. tell me why…last night while Jones-Z was tryna figure out how to get home after his car died we were in that joint cleaning up. like serious. we ate some pizza and started to wash our dishes and realized that this dude is never home long enough to clean the damn house. and you would think that since his g/f is living there with him there would be some type of balance but nope, her shit is dirtier than his. we started in the kitchen. washing and putting away dishes, cleaned the stove, scrubbed the floor. got all his crap up out the living room, dusted the tables and vacuumed in there. made his bed. put all his dirty clothes away, took out the trash, cleaned UNDER his bed. put all her crap in the closet. then there was the bathroom. oh sweet mother of Jesus was it nasty. there’s a his and hers side…luckily. ii know guys are not clean creatures by nature but his stuff was actually clean. his sink was clean and everything. we just had to kinda straighten out his stuff and wipe off his mirror. now, this chick. she is just a grimey trick. rust stains all in the sink. hair dye, shaving cream, dirt, grime and rust all in the shower. but why tho?? he was forced to take showers in the other bathroom because she just left everything a mess. it was nasty. ii wasnt going to do it but we figured that he shouldnt have to live in that just because she left it that way. so we went to work. scrubbing floors and showers. lysoled EVERYTHING up. lit candles. sprayed some febreze in the couches and finally we were done. needless to say, he came in their shocked as hell but he was happy that someone had cleaned it up and ii had to let him know that shes a dirty gurl. ii think that for once he felt like royalty lol. came home to a clean house, food cooked and three hott chicks haha. too bad it wasnt that type of party lol. payback is:: dinner tomorrow night. fried chicken, mac and cheese, corn on the cob, stuffing [for honey] and a bunch of biscuits. and of course he prob dont know the first thing to do since he currently lives off of tombstone pizza. so we’ll end up cooking for ourselves and cleaning up too lol. but, oh well. as long as he is buying the food.
yesterday, ii was thinking about a certain someone and ii remembered that sometimes things change. it took me a minute to kinda come to grips with that but if ever she choses to stop by my blog ii hope she reads this post because ii want her to know that ii appreciate her. in my life she has taught me so much, given so much and instilled so much in me and a few days ago ii was disappointed by her actions but ii really do appreciate and love her dearly. ii guess its really true what folk say, some people only meant to be in your life for a season. hopefully she’ll always be there kinda but ii know that even after everything that we have gotten thru together, things will never go back to how they used to be and ii can respect and accept that. ii guess things are also the same for that one other person as well. ii can always count on her to pray me thru but things are never going to go back to how they used to be. really if ii be honest with myself, things were never that great to begin with, ii just put in a lil too much effort. but oh, well. there are so many people that were in my life and are not anymore and ii want them all to know that ii love them dearly and ii wouldnt trade them for the world because they all impacted my life in some kinda way. they were just meant to be here for a season…its gravy tho.
p.s. tila tequila is the shiz-nit….lmao

a feeling i’ve felt

Posted in acceptance, blessings, him, life, lost one, love, memories, relationships, Tae', thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 27, 2008
yesterday ii was thinking about my life and future and all the things that ii want to happen in my life. ii took time to think about the things that ii have had the opportunity to experience, live thru and struggle with. when ii thought about it ii realized that ii am blessed. not because ii made it to where ii am or because ii have so many great things to look forward to but ii am blessed simply because ii have had the opportunity to experience what some people never have the chance to live thru. one of my really good friends said to me yesterday that most of the people in the world are on a search for REAL LOVE… almost everyone is either on a quest to find love or looking for the love they let go. when she said that, ii couldnt help but wonder which one was better?? looking for a love that you’ve never had or looking for a love that you let go. well, ii fit into one of those categories and perhaps my opinion is slightly biased but ii would have to say it is much better to look for a love you lost.
let me explain::
ii know what it is to experience true love. ii know what that feels like. ii know what its like to have someone take complete control of your heart and soul. the love that ii had was real and no one can tell me any different. when he touched me, held me, talked to me, let me lay on his shoulder, played in my hair, laughed at my jokes, sung with me, wrote me love letters, looked in my eyes…it was real. when he said he loved me, it was real and ii never ever questioned that. ii had the chance to feel that feeling that most people search a lifetime for. so, yeah, ii would much rather live trying to get that feeling back than to live without knowing what that feels like. and even if ii never feel that love again ii know in my heart that God found enough favor in me to allow me to know what its like to love and be loved. and because of that, ii have no problems if ii never feel that feeling again.

sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Posted in acceptance, drama, friends, hurt, life, love, people I love, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

get wit it or get lost

Posted in acceptance, besties, decisions, family, friends, people I love by Tanae' A. on November 16, 2007

Yesterday morning on the way to work I had a long over due conversation with my older sister India. I was hesitant about having this conversation because there are times when she can be very judgemental and that was something that I had to prepare myself for. But, to my surprise, she didn’t react how I thought she would. She, asked me questions about it and that was it. She said nothing else about the subject and she wasn’t mad at all. So I was happy. Me and Ashley are growing on one another and I dont know where this thing is going to lead but I think that the hardest thing that I would ever have to do is talk to the people that are closest to me and tell them about whats going on. My cousins know, they were out with us over the weekend so they kinda let 3 and 4 equal 10. None of them asked me any questions but they asked my brother like 500 of them which was cool. I didn’t really mind. My besties knew first. They are excited about it…  but I guess that they’re just happy cause I’m happy. And besides.. they think Ashley is a cool chick. My sisters know and eventually my older cousin will find out. Or my younger cousins will find out. And when either of them find out then my aunt is going to know. And as soon as my aunt hears something she’s going straight to my mom. So what happens then?? She asks me questions, I answer them honestly and the rest is up to her. What will she say?? Will she be angry?? Will she be accepting?? Will she love me any different or just tell me that Ashley cant stay over anymore?? I wonder those things. The people that mean the most have the most impact on me and so its those people that I want to be okay with the decision that I have decided to make. I like what Jay-Z said “this is the life I chose or rather the life that chose me.” But the important people dont just stop within my family and my friends… there are a few other people that have known me since I was 2 feet tall. People that have helped to grow me up and teach me some things and continue to be there today if only just to encourage me from time to time. Those people are important to me as well so I care about what they think. They’ll find out, one by one. They’ll put 8 and 3 together to make 15 and then they’ll start looking at me strange. Or they’ll beat around the bush with irrelevant questions when I show up in church with her sitting beside me…or maybe they’ll do nothing at all. Maybe they’ll keep their thoughts and questions to their selves because they dont know what else to say. Some of these people already know… or they think that they know but they are hoping that they are wrong. Some of the people that mean the world to me are reading this right now. But it’s okay… its okay to think what you think and to believe what you believe. Its okay to look at me funny or not know what to say. But it’s not okay to judge. It’s not okay to act as if what I chose to do is wrong. It’s not okay to say that its not okay. Either way, I’m happy and living my life and I hope that the important people can accept that for what it is and if not then oh well for you. GET WIT IT OR GET LOST!!!

A Happy Tanae’

So… it is now 12:30am Monday morning but my mind is still in Sunday because I have not been to sleep yet. Let me just state for the record…[[i am so frickin happy right now, i mean, i dont think i can remember the last time I have been this happy]] Of course you want to know what is making me so happy…well, let me replay the weekend for you.

FRIDAY::

By the time I got off work, I wasn’t too happy. I was tired, frustrated and upset but thats not relevant right now. I ended up going home and sitting in my room for forever with my brother. I was waiting patiently for my booboo Ashley to come over so that we could go over to my besties house for a girls night. After a few hours her bus rolled around the corner and we were ready to go. We had a ball yall…we danced and laughed and watched some old-as-dirt episodes of comic view from like ’99 and then we went to sleep. I was excited tho because usually when it comes to new people in my life I am so quick to push them away but I felt comfortable with Ashley, I just wanted to be around her and she didn’t get on my nerves at all that night so I kinda felt good about that.

SATURDAY::

We didn’t get in the bed on Friday night til about 5 in the morning and we woke up at 7:30 to get dressed. Mommy was taking us to breakfast!! YaY!! So we go to eat and then we run to the bank to cash my check. Soon we were right back at Jazzy’s house attempting to take a nap. But of course, Jasmine is never ever sleepy so she sat up messing around making sure that we didn’t go to sleep. 11:30 hit and Big Mama was calling me && Ashley to get up so she could take us back to my house. We sat around doing nothing for about an hour and then we left out so she could get on the bus and go home. But, what do ya know?? She misses the effin bus. Now, we’re talking about the 4…you know, the one that comes every hour. It’s now 12:45 and I have to go driving at 1 and I really dont know what you are going to do baby. So she’s sitting in the house by herself [because everyone else was gone] mad as I dont know what cause she’s bored and lonely. Eventually she went home and around 3:15 I was back in the house and Phil was on his way. We all hopped on the bus to go to the mall and meet Ashley then we walked around for a lil bit before heading back out to familiar territory!! LoL!! How bout:: we was seven deep [Me, Shink, Jazzy, Jessa, Phil, Shay, and Ash] so anyways, we all went out to eat and then we parted ways around 11. For some reason around 12 midnight Ashley decides that she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants to sit up talking and acting like a retard for like 5 hours. Mind you, the night before we only got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nap to carry us over. I have no clue what time we fell asleep but in the morning I was tired and mad cause Shay woke us up at like 8:30…like what really was she thinking??

SUNDAY::

I woke up ready for church. I knew what I was wearing and all I had to do was iron my clothes. Thankfully my outfit looked right, all I had to do was switch around the pants cause the ones I had on first wasn’t flowing with the shoes. So, we eat, get dressed and head out the door. Suprisingly we walk into the sanctuary at 10:56 and I was absolutely shocked. Service was great. It was funny cause the whole time we sitting there we trying to figure out who is going to preach so we thinking Bishop is just running late or something…of course he’ll show up. Nope, we was all surprised to see Pastor Ben Long walk up on the pulpit. Slam soon as I saw him I turned and looked at mommy like we bout to get a good word. And what do ya know?? God was in that place so heavy… I promise, I dont even remember the benediction. It was awesome… like, I have seen God move. I have seen things in church that will have me just like “Wow, look at God” but today… I cant even explain it. The word was good but there was something about God’s presence in that place that just made me feel tingly inside… it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m talking a good 20 minutes after everybody was gone out the sanctuary I’m still trying to get it together so that we could go… but I couldn’t. Everytime I tried to make it out of there the spirit of God was just holding on to me with like incredible force. All I can say is, you had to be there to see it or know what i felt fa’real. I have never ever had an experience like that or seen anything like that ever before in my life and it just blew my mind completely. I just wish that I could have stayed right there forever.

But eventually we had to leave so… we went home, changed clothes, ate and headed to Jazzy’s. We were watching some Lifetime movies and I was trying desperately to go to sleep but Ashley lil stpuid self kept tickling me and them other two bamas was so loud it was ridiculous. We played a game of monopoly and around 8:45 we left to go to my house. We stood with Ashley at the bus stop and went back in, talked with Indi for a while and watched a movie while I took out my hair. I just now hopped in the shower and now I am about to go to sleep cause I am exhausted but I just had to tell everyone how happy I am right now.

FINALLY::

I finally feel like everything in my life is falling into place. I have the best friends in the world that help me grow in so many ways. They are there thru good times and bad times… to make me laugh when I want to cry. I have the best girl in the world by my side letting me know that its just life… hopefully I can help her grow. [she told me today that she never felt anything like what she felt in church today and she wishes that she could join… I told her she could with out a problem] hopefully, we’ll help each other in the long run. I have the most wonderful support in the entire world, a wonderful church family that is there no matter what. They are there to give me hug, pray a prayer, offer a word of encouragement or simply life me up off the floor when I find myself half way under the sixth pew..LoL!! Really, I cant complain. And a lot of times I look around at all that I have and I feel unworthy, I feel like I dont deserve it but not right now. I know for a fact that I am truly undeserving of every blessing that I get and I am completely aware of the fact that I dont even deserve the air in my lungs but its different right now. I dont deserve it, I know I dont but God has so much love in Him to allow me to be here today. He is allowing me to be who I am today and I am truly grateful for that. I serve a God that accepts me just the way I am… even after every wrong thing that I have done he still looks at me and loves me and continuously blesses me. He dont look at me and see everything that I have been thru and done and I shouldn’t look at me like that either. My slate is clean my sins are forgiven and I am here today if for no other reason but to give Him praise for bringing me thru everything that I have been thru and to be a witness to those that are going thru. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the person that I used to be.. but I see all that God has in store for me and it gives me joy just to know that I dont look like what I been thru… now, thats a word..

Guys…I’M HAPPY!!!

[[i am who i am]]

Posted in acceptance, decisions, differences, family, friends, frustrations, help me!!, life by Tanae' A. on November 2, 2007

Tanae’

what the h is ACCEPTANCE and why is it so important to people?? See the five letters above?? Well, thats me. I’m TANAE’ the one and only. But who really am I?? And if you really knew who I was, would you accept me?? A lot of times we go thru everyday making it seem like we really dont care about what people think of us but I know for a fact that is not true. We care what people think of us, we may not care what the whole word thinks but there is still that need to have someone accept you for who you are. I am not the type to need the approval of outside people, I could care less what they think but I need the approval of my family and friends. Thats what I strive for and a lot of times I do it without even realizing it. In the back of my mind I’m always thinkin about what my mother or grandmother or sisters will think about this decision or that one. I always wanna make sure that my besties accept and get along with every new person that I meet and I do it without even thinkin about it. There has not been one person that I have talked to that has not met my bestie.. they may never meet my mother or Indi or anyone else but they will meet Jazzy and Shink. Reality is, I want them to accept me… for me. Last night my bestie said something to me that let me know that no matter what she still got my back. No matter what decision I make or how things turn out she still loves me just the same. Now, only if I can know that I can get that same courtesy out of my mom and the rest of my family… well really just my mom and NaNa cause they are the only two I really care about like that. I wonder. I dont know. Right now I am just confused and I am dealing with a lot right now and I am trying to figure everything out but I dont know how this will end. I dont know what is going on in my heart and in my head… I just dont know.

Ya gurl is confused.