next time…READ

Posted in bills, debt, mommy, thoughts by Tanae' A. on March 3, 2008
about three months ago I received a court summons because I didnt pay this stupid stupid credit card bill. so me and mommy read over it and everything and new that I was scheduled to be in court this morning at 9am sharp. so this morning I gets dressed and gets ready to go. I got my story straight and im ready to make up all these excuses as to why I didnt pay the bill [[it was good too yall, real good]] so we get there go thru these metal detectors and look for my name. what do you know?? my name is not on the board so i have to stand in this line. then the really nice lady behind the glass tells me that I dont have to be there. Well, duh mommy. I chose to blame it all on her because she is the one that told me that I had to go. so we rode all the way to the courthouse for nothing but lucky for me I got a free ride to work out the deal. I just think that next time I get a court summons I should actually READ it rather than throwing it in a box until the night before the court date… what do you think??


Sorry Obama… ii couldn’t vote for you

Posted in Barack Obama, be the change, mommy, voting, winter by Tanae' A. on February 14, 2008
I just want the entire world to read my story about why i COULD NOT vote just so that my man Barack knows that I was not just taking up space in the world when I had a clear chance to make a change… I was about ten minutes from home when my mommy called me to tell me that she was waiting for me so that we could go vote together. I was so super excited as I walked into my front door. Mommy was ready so I ran upstairs to slip on some jeans and then we were ready to go but I was distracted by my nephew so she decides to rush me. Here she is running for the exit and I TOLD HER IT WAS SLIPPERY OUTSIDE and what do you know she fell and busted her tail in that big ugly red coat of hers. At first I was scared…dear Jesus Mama done killed herself tryna make a change…but then she starts laughing. You shoulda seen her sliding down these steps cracking up like there was no tomorrow. So ten minutes later we get her up and we are on our way. The voting spot was just up the street from my house so we decided to walk, no use getting in the car when we can just get in some exercise. We are walking up this street and mommy is holding onto my arm for dear life, someone should teach her how to walk on ice. She is slippin and slidin everywhere [[and she had on boots so I dont know why she was slippin]] and the whole time I’m cracking up. So, this idiot [my mother] tells me that we are voting at the hall so we walk all the way over, she slips and almost falls again, and there is no one there. So we standing like a bunch of idiots in the street wondering where everyone is. I call Aunt Boone to ask her where we were voting at and she tells me that she told BooBoo the Fool that we were voting at the Middle School but she didnt want to hear it. So we walk in the OPPOSITE direction all the way to the middle school and we are almost there. And what do you know, this fool falls again right on her butt lolzz. Ok, maybe I shouldnt laugh at her but how do you fall three times just to go vote… funny thing is: SHE FELL IN THE GRASS…how that happens I will never know. So we go into this school and im cracking up laughing. Finally we make into the voting area and there is this camera there for ABC news and I told my mother DO NOT WALK WHERE THE CAMERA  IS but she grabs my arm and pulls me anyway talking about the camera aint on. Well how she know it aint on?? So, anyways, all these nice corny looking people are sitting at this table so we walk up super excited and thats when it happens. “Ma’am, when you registered to vote you failed to check Democrat or Republican, you didnt check a box so unfortunately you cannot vote today.” Okay uuummm…. “Well what DID I check off??” “You didnt check anything but you can fill out this form and vote next time.” Ok, can I smack you please?? What do you mean I cant vote. Do you not understand that I have been looking forward to this for forever and I cant vote?? I dont understand. Someone explain this mess to me. I want to vote today, right now. Obama is depending on my vote… OMG!! I cannot believe this. So I very angrily go to fill out this stupid stupid paper and I forced this man to give me a sticker saying I voted because it truely was not my fault that I could not vote and I think that a small minor thing like that should not keep me from voting. I think that is discrimination of the worst kind and I do not approve lol. So, Barack Obama, I am sorry that I could not vote for you on tuesday but I really wanted to and I hope that you understand that.
Oh, and four minutes after we walked past the camera I get a text message saying that someone saw me and mommy dearest on the news… how lame is that??
And for all of you praying people out there, pray for mommy’s booty cause it really hurts. Well actually, pray for her booty, hip, ankle and shoulder cause she hit all of it when she fell and now she limping around the house like somebody just beat up her whole right side lol.


Posted in bills, friends, help me!!, hurt, issues, mommy, people I love, phone, when everything goes wrong by Tanae' A. on January 23, 2008
Yesterday night I was really having a moment and it probably is not that serious to any of you but it is important to me so I’m sharing it…
As you all know I broke my phone on Saturday and the past three days have been spent filling out paper work and talking to people about getting a replacement. It was a stressful process but when I finally got to the end I was relieved. For some reason I thought that they were going to bill me for the replacement phone instead of requesting in on the spot so I was kinda upset when they asked for it last night. When I realized that I didn’t have it I got really upset because I didn’t have anyone that could spot me the money. It kinda pissed me off because when anyone needs money I’m the one that they come to. I give and give but it sucks that when I need something I have no one to turn to. I know that if I wouldn’t be there for so many people I would have had the money in my account when I needed it. But since I didn’t have it I attempted to call my “best friend” because I knew that she had money stashed away. Now, like I just said, I am always the one to give people money. If someone asks me for something and I have it I will not think twice about giving it to them expecially when I know that they are going to pay me back… check out how this conversation went…

Me –> “Hey, you got some money I can borrow til I get paid??”

Her –> “Not really but I can get it out the bank for you. How much you need??”

Me –> “a hundred…”

Her –> “for your phone?”

Me –> “yeah…”

Her –> “Oh hell no!!”

Me –> “~dial tone~”

Why did I hang up?? And why have I been ignoring her calls all morning long?? Because I’m pissed… If ever in ten million years she ever asked me for some money for ANYTHING regardless of what it is I would give it to her and wouldn’t even ask for it back but here I am askin her for some money to BORROW that I was going to pay back WITH INTEREST and she tells me know because she thinks its stupid. I never really thought that I would ever have her deny me something that I wanted that she had. So last night I was really mad. Not just at her but at the fact that when I need something no one is there to call on except my mother. One thing that I’m beginning to realize in this life is that my mother is my best friend. So, mommy gave me the money and I’ll have my phone by tomorrow but that doesn’t change how I feel. I dont need friends that are just there for certain things. I want a friend thats there for everything and my mom is the only one that is there on every level. I love my friends to death but I guess now I know that there are boundaries to everything but that sucks when I dont put restrictions in my friendship.
So today I am so thru with people who are so called friends… I just need a break from it all and I’m spending more time with mommy dearest whome I love so very very much.

a good weekend=a bad monday

Okay, its not really a bad monday but…

Friday I really had a serious attitude. It was raining outside, I didn’t feel well and my sister was getting on my last half of nerve. After 45 minutes of standing on the bus stop I hopped on the first thing I saw coming. My mom had to pick me up somewhere cause I got on the wrong bus on purpose and then she had to run to the dollar store. Jazzy persuaded me to go to Jason’s Woods with them so I went home to change clothes. We drove for about an hour and then decided to turn around because the weather was too bad and we were hydroplaning [i learned that in driving school ha] and swerving like crazy. So we settled on going to Red Lobster and we ate some of the best food ever. The waiter was really really nice so we left him a big tip and then we went to the pool hall. Me and Matt shot around for a lil bit while Jazzy and Shay looked at us like we were crazy and then around 1 we got in the house.

Of course I was mad as hell when I had to wake up at 8 on Saturday morning. I got dressed and was out the door at 9. I managed to make it to Amy’s to get my hair done about 10 minutes after 10 and I didn’t leave there til about 1 cause mommy got lost coming to pick me up. So, with a headache and growling tummy, I hopped in the car. I was so hungry that I ate a half of chicken box and some food from wendy’s LoL!! so fat!! But anyways… we stopped at the halloween store so that I could get some stuff for the party I was going to go to. We got back in the house and I packed all my bags and was ready to go. Shink plucked my nerves for 10 hours before we left out the house but once we got to Jazzy’s she straightened up a bit. Once we got there our dacquiris (sp) were done and our food was cooking. We walked next door for a while and soon and very soon we sat down to eat. Ronnie hooked us up with some smothered pork chops, cabbage, spanish rice and corn pudding… the food was on point!! After that, Jazzy helped me get my outfit together and then we left to go to Dougs party.

Since we couldn’t find a ride we ended up walking… let me tell you. I had on a mini skirt, some fishnet stockings, some knee boots, and a lil ass black shirt… that outfit does not mix with walking up the street for 20 minutes in the freezing cold. But, I did it and we finally made it. When we got there it was really early still but there were mad people in there. It had to be no later than 8:30 and half of them were already drunk… it didn’t make no sense. We walked around and talked to everyone for a while and then we sat down and watched these people act like fools. Surprisingly, we didn’t drink anything that night besides the dacquiris (sp) that Ronnie made for us… and let me tell you, it is funny watching other drunk people when you’re sober LoL!! but anyways, we left around 12:30. Got in the house, ate some left over food and crashed.

We woke up Sunday morning ready to go to church. [well me and Shink were ready, Jazzy wanted to stay home] Eventually we got her dressed and made her come and she was glad that she did. The sermon was right on time and I think it was something that we all kinda needed to hear. We went to Golden Corale, laughed with Mommy a lil bit and eventually drove back to the house. Mommy went inside and we sat in the car and took the best nap this world has seen. An hour later we were on our way back up Sycamore and into the church. The choir was on point!! The service was extremely long and I was extremely tired but I still stayed til the end. We walked up the street and helped Jazzy with her project that she waited til the last minute to do. By the time we were finished it was 10:30 and I was beat. I went home and hopped face first in the bed and was pised when my alarm went off this morning.

I was so tempted to not come to work because I really feel like crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I think I have a fever and I just do not feel good at all. I will probably end up going home early cause if not I do not think I will make it thru the rest of this day. It is freezing cold outside so I was really mad when I walked out the house this morning. Lucky for me, I put on a sweater and some boots and a scarf cause if not I would probably freeze to death.

I was going to go to dance rehearsal today after work but when I got up I quickly changed my mind. I may just wait and go next monday cause there is no way I am going to make it today. The only thing I want to do is go home and get in the bed… anybody got a thermometer??

oh, i can do that too

Posted in fed-up, frustrations, issues, mommy, money by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

A lot of times I have the world’s most patience when it comes to issues within my household. I may get frustrated or whatever else but I’ll simply go to my room and blow off the steam before getting angry about anything. I usually try to see things from other peoples point of view but not anymore. I am frustrated and fed-up with trying to understand this crap when there is nothing to understand. Point is, I am sick of my mother. Now, this is a lady that I love more than life and I appreciate her and everything that she does but right now I am really not feeling her. I always said that if I could, I would take care of my mother for as long as she took care of me. When I get stable enough I wanna pay off my mother’s house, I wanna be the one to take her to a car dealership and tell her to pick out the truck that she want and then pay the bill on it myself, I wanna be the one that takes her to the grocery market on saturday mornings just to make sure she dont ever want for nothing… but right now I cant really do that. I dont ask my mother for much, well at least I try not to. I dont ask my mother for money and if I do it is because I really need it and I always make sure I pay her back with interest. The only thing that I ever really need from her is a ride somewhere that the bus wont take me. But God knows, I try not to ask her for too much. Especially when it comes to material things, I work everyday so that I can buy what I want to buy and if I cant afford it I’ll save up for it. I make sure that every pay I give my mother a good chunk out of my check plus I give her gas money on top of that. Just last week I called her to ask her if she wanted me to pay off one of her bills because I had a lil extra money and I knew things were a lil tight but she told me no. WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO SHOW YOU THAT I APPRECIATE YOU?? What do you want me to write in the sky?? I do my share around the house, I say thank you as much as I can, I follow directions fairly well. Two weeks ago I spent an entire 3 days rearranging furniture in my bedroom, buying new furniture, getting rid of some stuff and doing things so that I have more space to organize things. I didn’t do it for her, I did it for me. I was tired of being cramped in my lil hole in the wall and I was tired of hearing her fuss about my room being dirty. Now, I am still in the process of getting some things done in there but I have to wait til some extra money comes in but I never knew that making up a bed every morning shows how much I appreciate you. I really feel like my mom is like a walking time bomb. Anyday now she’ll snap and throw us all out so I wanna make sure I’m well prepared when that happens. So, I am really in my fed-up mode. She wants to be done with us so I’ll be done with her. I can keep my 400 a month and put it in the bank so that I can get a car faster. I can not put gas in your car since you refuse to take me anywhere I need to go. As a matter of fact, let me take the money that I was giving you and give it to the people that I have to beg and bride to take me to where I need to go because you know everything comes with a price. I’ll continue to do what I have to do in the house, I’ll continue to clean and take care of my responsibilities but everything else is cut. So when you dont have no extra cash in ya pocket cause you gotta pay 4 bills, please do not rely on my lil bit of money cause…HA HA!! YOU WONT BE GETTING IT!! Just like I cant rely on you for a ride when I have NO OTHER WAY you cant rely on me when you stuck between a rock in hard place. Because reality is, I never ever have to question whether or not you appreciate what I give you because I know that you do appreciate it when you say thankyou. And even if you dont appreciate it, it would never matter because I would rather be unappreciated than to see you want for anything and I would expect the same thing but I guess thats where we differ. Thank you aint enough for you, giving back my last just so that you can have some gas is not enough for you, trying my hardest to squeeze out an extra 50-100 after I have paid bills and bus passes and tithes and everything else… thats not good enough. Good enough to you is having a house that is super clean, good enough for you is making sure that my bed has not one wrinkle in it, good enough for you is making sure that there is not one fork in the sink when you wake up because you want it to be perfect. Well guess what mama, i am not perfect and I hate cleaning and I dont mind there being a bobby pin or a rubber band on the floor every once in a while so what are you going to do about it?? I think your actions have answered that question. Continue to act the way you do and I’ll continue to act just like you because after all, you are my example. You wanna hold back and not do anything for me… well guess what, I can do that too!

Maybe I am just mad right now so there is a great possibility that I am sayin all this out of frustrations but right now thats how I feel. And I still love my mommy just the same because of who she is and not what she does for me but right now I am just fed-up with her selfishness at this point and it has really gone a bit too far. 

if I had things my way

So, a lot of times I seem to get lost in my own thoughts. Well today I was just thinking, if I had everything in my life the way I wanted it to be how would it go?? Well, this is what I came up with.


For starters, I would not change anything that happened before Dec 2005. And really I wouldn’t change to much that happened after Dec. 2005 either, so here’s what I would change. I would change the fact that I ever became friends with, dated, or fell in love with James. Thats it. How lovely. Now let me explain before someone gets the wrong idea. If I had my way, I would take all of those happenings out of Dec 2005 and graciously move them to Dec. 2009. And you all are wondering why… the reason is quite simple really, in 2009 there will be no school. He would be completely through with school. So it would save me a lot of heartache and headache and I would be actually happy with him. And simply because James would not be in the picture I would have the opportunity to take things a lil further with this other dude without feeling completely bad about it. But since I cant change the past… this is what I would have happen in the future.


I think, well I know, that the first three things that I would have happen if I had my way is… 1. I would get a big fat check somewhere in the mail and I would use that to pay off the one bill that I have left, register for college and purchase the car that I have to wait until february to get. 2. I would have all of my poems somewhat close to being published and 3. I would give the youth ministry cpr and miraculously bring it back to life so that I can deal with all the stresses of keeping it well and kicking.


After that, I would go back to school, get a promotion [maybe that is asking a bit to much but that is what i would have happen], make enough money to make sure that my mother wasn’t struggling, fix up the big house from top to bottom and move out of my mom’s house… all in a year. And in 2009 I would be ready to transfer to a university [because i would have worked just that hard to get a two year program completed in one], I would have ridded my life of all the people that were nothing but distractions [all of whom are of the male sex for some reason, but that is neither here nor there], I would have started from scratch a healthy relationship with my honey, and I would be well on my way to success because by the middle of 2009 I would be expecting my 2nd promotion which includes a darn good raise and some major benefits, and I would be able to take a vacation to wherever I want and not have to worry about money, and I would be able to send my mother on a vacation to anywhere that she wanted to go for however long she wanted to go and there would be nothing she had to worry about except what she’s going to pack.


By the time 2013 hit I would plan to be married with two kids with a good paying job that allows me to spend time with my children and still be able to live comfortably. I want a nice house with a big back yard and front yard. I want two dogs, one for me and one for him. I want a playground in the back. I want one of those couch looking things that swing on my front porch and I want my own private bathroom in my room. I want a family day once a month to talk and eat and laugh and play with my kids and my husband. I want my mom to be happy and financially stable. By then I would have moved my NaNa somewhere, anywhere and I would be taking care of all her expenses. I would be making sure that my lil cousins are in college and doing their best and I will have coffee and bagels every saturday morning with my besties. And a girls night once a month and we’ll stay in and have drinks and lay around with our phones turned off and we’ll talk like we were back in high school, about boys and issues and there would be no thoughts of family or money or men or house cleaning or washing clothes or none of the other grown up stuff that we have to do every other day of our lives. I would go on a vacation once every three months, just me and my honey, and we would enjoy each others company and just have fun like back when we were dating. And last but not least… I would be happy. I would have a family and an education and a job and some damn good friends and I would be happy. I would want to wake up every morning and I would have a smile on my face every night and I would be happy.


If I could plan my life, thats what I would do. All those simple things is what I would expect. And sure, there would be some issues in between but I would be content with the smile that I had shining every single day. I would be blessed beyond abundance and joyful just because I am alive and surrounded by all the people I love the most.


Thats how my life would go if I had things my way…

Just not meant to be…

Posted in frustrations, mommy, poetry by Tanae' A. on September 4, 2007

On Saturday evening, I was laying down with my sister taking a much needed nap. About as soon as I really went to sleep, my mother comes into my room and hands me two envelopes in exchange for her phone. In my half-sleepedness [not a word] I took a quick look at the mail && just as I was about to toss them on the floor I noticed the return address on one of them. It was from Writers Lair Books. I quickly managed to get up for a second as I opened this envelope and quickly pulled the neatly folded letter from inside. I read the contents and then threw it onto the floor along with the other envelope that would be going into the trash as soon as I found the energy to get up out of my very comfortable bed. Why was this envelope going in the trash?? Because it said the one thing that I didn’t want it to say. I returned back to my lovely nap and when I woke up about an hour later I re-read the letter just to make sure I was not dreaming. And there it was on black and white, this was not a dream. At the bottom of the letter that no longer had any value was the sentence… “If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to call us at 555.5555 or email us at thewebaddress@whatever.com.” I wanted to call them, her, the editor, whoever and ask her what was really the deal. They typed up some very professional excuse that pretty much says to me… “uummm, sorry boo boo you just aint good enough yet”

I’m not necessarily mad, i’m just a tad bit pissed off because I’ve been waiting forever and this is the response that I get. Someone should have told me 6 months ago that I wasn’t good enough and maybe then I wouldn’t have had high hopes. But instead I chose to listen to my mommy who always tells me that no news is good news. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Maybe some things are just not meant to be…

Thank you, Writer’s Lair for taking time out to read my work…


are you really serious?? Really??

Posted in family, healing, issues, mommy, people I love, prayer by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

Ok. remember them days when you were little and you went to mommy to ask if you could go somewhere or do this and you got so excited when she said yes. But then. Daddy comes home early or she says the three dreadful words “Ask your father” and you know that any plans that you just had are now totally flushed down the drain. Thats how I feel right now.

I got soo darg on happy last week when my mom came back from the emergency room totally fine. I was excited because I was very worried and I felt a lot of comfort knowing that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. So, a week later she had to go to another doctor for an already scheduled appointment and they told her something that could possibly not end well. Now all of my worries are back and they will continue to linger until this journey is over and we know what is really wrong. They are telling us that we would have to wait at least two months to know if this is anything serious but its hard waiting ever-so-patiently for the doctor to say something that you dont think you would want to hear.

Just continue to pray cause right now thats the only hope that I really have. I’m praying that this is something that we can deal with… No, let me take that back. I know that whatever it is, we will get through it but I hope that this is just another easy hurdle to hop over.


I feel good about myself

Posted in church, commitment, decisions, determination, mommy, money, Shiloh, tithes by Tanae' A. on July 16, 2007

Before I begin braggin… I must send out like major kudos to my mommy. She recently started working with this new company with Mortgage Protection. She struggled at first. Had to pass a test that required her to study harder that hard. She failed it the first time and still went back to pass it the second time. She put out money just to get started. She ended up having to not only buy a laptop but to also learn how to do something as simple as send an email or download an attachment. She bothered be days on end and begged me to show her how to do this and save that or print this out. She didn’t receive the proper training and she was ready to quit but she stuck with it and gave it all she could. Last week she got a call from her manager saying that she would go through another training process and now she would become a manager making more money than she could even imagine. There are probably tons other people in the B altimore area that are making tons more money than my mom. They probably have more clients and know more about what they are doing than her. But somebody saw something in her that allowed them to take a risk and give her a chance. When she was going to give up she stuck in there and in the end she has benefited and that just shows me how strong she really is. She has set a wonderful example and maybe that’s why I feel so good about myself now.

I hardly ever claim to broke because these days I am never broke. It seems like it doesn’t matter how much money I spend, I always end up having just enough money to last me until pay day. One thing that I learned from my mom is even if i cant afford to do an entire 10% in tithes I should set a price that I am going to give each month. So I decided on a price that at first I struggled with every month… it wasn’t 10% but it was close. Then I signed up to pay on the Capital Campaign and there were a few weeks when I didn’t have the money to pay on it so I know I’m at least 3 or 4 weeks behind but I still sacrifice to pay on it… the amount that I said at first.

Yesterday I was in church and the darling Sis. Goode came up to me and informed me that I was the youngest member of Shiloh to be apart of the Capital Campaign. I just felt really good about myself for some reason.

I have to really prepare myself tho for the beginning to 2008. By the end of this year the Capital Campaign will be done with and I made a commitment to myself that I would begin to pay my full tithes. That is over double what I am paying every pay for my tithes and commitment put together but I really think that I can do it. The only that kinda set me back is the fact that I am not supposed to base my 10% on my net and thats what I was doing. So now I have to re-calculate everything and pay from my gross which ups my tithe by a whole lot. Am I really ready for this?? I’ll just say that I am in no hurry to get into 2008.

another monday post

It’s Monday!!! and yet again I am telling you all about my weekend. Three days spent doing nothing too important. Time spent with my besties. Hours that went by way to fast. So what did I do this weekend??

Well Friday was a very interesting day. Me, Jaz, Shay, Bry, and Smurph all got together to eat some crabs on Jaz’s back porch and Jess even came down for a while. We laughed and geeked and played cards and monopoly and did absolutely nothing til about 4:30 in the morning. I think we had about 40 conversations about nothing in particular and had about 75 debates that got no where but it was fun. By 5:00 Jess and Smurph were gone and everybody else turned over to go to sleep.

We all woke up around 9:30 and went to McDonalds to get some food. We spent about 6 hours taking out Chelly’s hair and listening to music and then we finally decided to get some more crabs around 5:oo. We played more monopoly [i won!!] and around 10 we all went to our homes to prepare for church on Sunday morning.

Church was good. India and the baby came along. Brandy and Karen even showed up which was good. After service Jaz went to work and we went to Olive Garden with Mommy, India and Lil Eric. The food was good but none of could eat it all. We went  home and took naps then me and Shay got up to watch my new favorite tv show… Side Order of Life..on Lifetime.

I woke up late and extremely tired this morning. I rushed out of the house and enjoyed a very long ride to work. I got to work on time and right now I am freezing cold cause this air is blazing. I will save tons of money today because I didn’t eat breakfast and I brought my own lunch from home…

Next Saturday is the Church Wide Picnic and I am so excited so I hope and pray that this week goes very smoothly. And I am really praying that I dont get caught in any of this weeks rain. I hope you all are praying as well. I just put color in my hair and I will be highly upset if it starts running!! LoL!! Please pray!!