[{GRaViTY}]

happy.sad.kinda glad.

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 18, 2008
today muh almost favorite goonie, KRiS, is coming down and ii am so so so excited. ii havent seen her in too long and we can finally have a REAL gurls night with ALL the chix. and muh goonies, JesSA, is celebrating her birthday on tuesday. ii know its so unethical to party on a tuesday night but we are going to p a R T y ! ! ! !
my lil cuzzo Sedi and their fam is going thru. the next few days are going to be hard for them but more hard on her than anyone. she’ll be okay tho. she just has to remember to trust GoD thru it all. ii know how much Jasmine meant to her. she was more than just a pet, she was a part of their family and she will be missed. Love You Miss Moo Moo lol.
my lil sis Dre is going thru right now too. she’s tryin to put on her gangsta face but ii know she’s afraid of what the outcome is going to be. ii think she feels okay knowing that she has us there to support her no matter what. she’s gonna be alright…ii believe that.
there’s a chik that ii lovezz with ALL my heart. her name is Crystal. a few years ago we became really close thru a ministry that we were trying to start. Crystal is strong. she can make it thru anything even when she thinks she cant. im praying for her. not that she gets thru, because ii know that God is already bringing her thru, but im praying that she holds on to that strength and more than that im praying that ii may be a help to her during this time.
TroyBoy ::sigh:: ii wish ii could just leave it at that. TroyBoy is leaving me. he is going to VA for a job and part of me is happy. part of me is sad. part of me just doesn’t care. happy:: because its something good for him. a new start and a clean get-away from all the craziness here. sad:: because he’s not here in b-more. so its not that simple on days that ii want to see him to just say come over lets chill. indifferent:: because we are both at a point in our lives where we are pretty much going our own seperate ways. if he were to stay in b-more ii would be leaving him behind and if ii were to stay where ii am he would be leaving me. but we both are moving forward with life and maybe one day shit will follow thru but for now we just trying to live life the best way that we can. the other day he pretty much poured his heart out to me. i’ve known how hes felt about me for some time now but when you hear the words its somehow different. ii didnt know how to tell him that ii love him too. ii didnt know how to tell him that somewhere in my heart is a space for him. maybe one day ill be able to tell him that but for now im okay with how things are.
ii talked to LeyLey the other day….so how did that go?? fairly well. how do ii feel about it?? okay ii suppose. will it happen again?? no. ii told her that she can call me before ii leave and that ii would answer just for her but if she just so happens not to call… ii wont be seeing her or talking to her EVER again and honestly…thats a relief to me. it hurts of course but ii feel good about it. ii feel that same relief for that one other person whose name ii refuse to speak out loud. ii feel like for so long ii was the one being left behind but now im not. now im the one doing the leaving and sooner or later that is going to sink in. and when it does. ill be long gone. damn.that feels super good lmao.
last thing and then im done. Nas has a new cd out as of last week. DO NOT SLEEP ON NAS. seriously. that dude is dope boy fresh. he is hottness. straight up…NAS IS A BEAST!!! cop his cd. you have got to hear it. put the carter three to the side for just a minute and let that Nas just rotate a lil bit. see if it aint realness.

fat.thumb.issues

Posted in church, decisions, family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 23, 2008
yesterday was probably the FUNNIEST most ANNOYING day EVER!!! after early service we decided to take a trip to Burger King to get some breakfast. there was only two cars in front of us so we were thinking that the wait wouldnt be long at all…NOT. first off, the manager was so damn disrespectful it was ridiculous. ii was tryna piss her off so ii ordered a whole bunch of food that nobody really wanted. it really worked too cause she was heated by the time we drove around to the second window lmao. but ii guess karma is a big headed b. cause we ended up waiting for 40 minutes just to get our food. thanks to the lady with the family van who decided to order eight hundred meals for all her kids. but. by the time 10:30 hit we knew we had to get back to the church in 15 minutes or else SOMEONE would be in trouble. we got our food at 10:30 and ii literally sped up North Point just to get there in time. needless to say that there are people that actually drive the speed limit and those people slowed me down so we didnt get there til 10:47 and that was two minutes too late. anyways…ii ate ALL THE FOOD like a big fattie and it was delicious lolzz.
 then. after second service me and Shay goes home to eat some crabs. we eating them and ii get to the second to last one and then the inevitable happens… fricking claw clawed me. stuck me right in my damn thumb. im telling ya.it hurt like crap. and the seasoning only made it burn more but ii kept eating my crabs lol. ii didnt really realize until last night that it really is swollen a little bit and now ii have a fat thumb that really starts to hurt when ii squeeze it lmao.
ii am actually irritated for a number of reasons. at first ii was upset with my mother but then ii talked to someone who could better explain things so now im cool with her. ii understand her for like once in life and im gonna allow her to sulk for a while. she’ll come around eventually. now….the REAL reason for my irritation is money… well of course it is. thats the only thing that irritates me. well. ii am going to be really honest right now about the plans that got crushed. this weekend is our annual PCIF conference. of course.last year ii was so not excited about this but this year it is what it is. BUT.ii called myself trying to beat the system and get around paying but FOR SOME REASON they aren’t doing things the same as last year so I HAVE TO PAY THE REGISTRATION FEE and do you know what this means?? ii refuse to stay in a hotel room. that would be 200 dollars out of my pocket that ii could spend on like THE FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR GAS or something like that. so.this weekend ii am going to be taking Chelley to the banquet on Friday night and ill prob shill out by the bool or something until that is over with. then ill drive ALL THE WAY home to get a good nights sleep. then on saturday ill DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK for whatever is going on that day. ii figured that an extra round trip is not going to cost me 129 dollars in gas…maybe around 40 tops. so ii am actually SAVING MONEY…hey.it feels damn good lmao. so…thats my issue for this weekend. oh.and ii have three days until Thursday gets here and ii am ssoo excited. you’ll find out sooner or later whats going on but for now just know that ii am excited about it. and EVERYONE knows that ii HATE thursdays with a passion but this Thursday is going to be a good effin day. lmao. ii hope so at least. keep praying for me and all my issues lmao.
other than all the fat.thumb.issues muh life is great. ii am realizing more and more each day that ii gots the best friends.fam.support that ANYONE could EVER ask for so ii know that ii am blessed and ii wouldnt trade ANY of them in for the world.

healer….thats what HE is

Posted in family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 6, 2008
for some reason right now, ALL my gurliezz are going thru their own struggles. they all need someone to lean on, someone to understand, and some God to heal. all their issues are different, all their needs are diverse, but their hurt is all the same. and here ii am, sitting here trying to be strong for all them because reality is, im just on chills. everything is going great on my end. im getting blessings galore and maybe that lil thing a week ago that seemed so weird at the time was just God preparing me for this week’s problems. today im trying my hardest to be there for all of them and most would find that to be impossible but ii can do it. things work themselves out. and just like ii told them all, God heals all broken hearts, all wounded spirits and all troubled minds. ii pray for each of their situations, ii pray that they keep the faith and ii pray that God does a work even now. ii dont know what tomorrow is going to bring but ii know that those girls have each other to lean on… they got some chix that are there for them no matter what. and even if all we have to offer is a shoulder to cry on then so be it. ii trust Him to heal all hurt, calm all spirits and bring peace to every mind. ii trust Him. He’s gonna do it, He’s gonna have His way and He’s gonna have each and every one of them stronger because of what they have had to endure. pray for my gurlzz…pray for their families…pray for every single person that they come in contact with in the days to come. pray that they remain strong through it all and when all else fails, pray that they have what it takes to call on the name of JESUS when they have no one else to call. ii love those gurls, all of them…from the bestie all the way down to the cunt…ii love them all and ii know that they’ll ALL  be okay.

it’s called cause and effect people

Posted in car, depression, frustrations, issues by Tanae' A. on May 14, 2008
when gas goes up
people start stealing it
when gas prices sky rocket
people break into gas stations
so, whats the solution?? just rob the gas stations instead of the banks lmao. seriously, im in desperate need of a full tank and every time i go i get depressed.

un~complicate my life

Posted in friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on April 30, 2008
Since the beginning of time, TKM has been down for this chick. SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING!!! I met this dude three years ago and thru it all he has been there. But, you all know this already. So what’s so complicated now?? Well, last night he hit my phone up telling me how he is in love with me and all this other stuff…ok, slow ya role playa. what?? I didn’t know what to say cause everything I had to say would sound so rude to him so I didnt say anything. The goonie says that I should drop him now because he’s only going to be stuck to me like a leech. I dont know what to do, he is the only constant thing in my life and I am really happy to have him as a friend but as far as anything else is concerned, I cant go there.
I just dont know.

but i already knew that

chaos:: that is the one word that describes my entire existence. ii know that every single aspect of my life is pure chaos but somehow ii have managed to find peace in the midst of it. this perhaps, is the reason why ii continue to try to make plans that will never go thru. there’s always something that ii want to do and yet there is always something [[or someone]] that stands in the way of that. so why do ii continue on this useless cycle of making plans and having them shot down?? i dont really know. but ii know everytime ii make the plans that they will never come out the way ii want them to. so this comes as no surprise… ill be home this weekend all by myself. ii misses my shink already. ::tear:: it just sucks to know that she wont be home when ii get there and she wont be there when ii wake up in the morning. she wont be there to tell me which outfit looks better for church or to make me late for dance practice on monday. im PLANNING to buy a car tomorrow and she wont be here for that either. funny thing is, ii know that for some reason ii wont get a car tomorrow and yet ill still insist on waking up way too early in the morning to go look at what they have. then ill be mad and ill write another post about how nothing goes my way. so in order to avoid all of that ill let you all know now that my PLAN is to get a car but we all know that wont happen so ill grab hold of my attitude now and ill let my frustrations out while i have the time. nothing goes my way, but, we all know that right?? lol

just another thing to add to my frustrations…

Posted in books, frustrations, school by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
as most of you know, I was supposed to be reading The Mis-Education of the Negro a very long time ago. Needless to say, I stopped at page sixty and haven’t picked it up since. But today I was sitting at my desk and I just so happened to pick it up to figure out if I was really going to take time out to finish and what do ya know. My big headed cousin decides to walk up and completely crush my plans of throwing it to the side for someone else to read. “You know thats a requirement so you might as well finish it now since its taking you so long…” Who asked her opinion anyway?? So, turns out that this book is a reading requirement for every student at Sojourner-Douglas. Do you know what that means?? Whether I want to or not, I HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK… so i’ll put it back to the side until I am absolutely forced to glue my face to the pages. uurrgghh

the waiting process

“if its meant to be it will happen…” I hate cannot stand stuff like that. Why cant someone just tell me straight off top if stuff is “meant to be”…  well as you can tell, im a bit irritated right now but its only a lil bit. For the most part im in a really really good mood today so I guess we can start with whats got me irritated. The unknown. Plain and simple right?? Not right. The unknown is the most complicated thing in this world to deal with because its just not known…duh lolzz. But I guess theres always something that we dont know and i have learned to deal with it regardless how annoying it may be…
The past two days have been super good for me and I am literally smiling ear to ear because everything has been going soo good. On Christmas day I got into a really big altercation with my honey and I kinda brushed him off very rudely just because I was frustrated with the situation yet again. But on tuesday he actually reached out to me and since then we have been in constant communication which is absolutely amazing for us. Two days withough fighting ar arguing but actually talking about very real issues and helping one another out. It has been lovely and wonderful and great. And, I got to spend a very nice day with the besties yesterday and that only added to my excitement because there hasn’t really been any good quality time in a minute. I am also excited because I am getting to know people. I know that most times that is not always a good thing cause reality is that the people i have gotten to know are not good people but I feel good because now I know who they are and what I want to stay away from.And I feel really good because the past few days I have been taking time out to actually READ the Word of God which is really really amazing because I have been learning new things and I can feel myself getting closer to Him which is exciting. In addition to all these good things that have been happening I am also super overly happy because there is a four day weekend coming up and its a pay week so you know what that means. I get to spend time with all the people who mean something to me!!! YaY!! Tomorrow will be spent with Meek, Saturday is reserved for a ‘friend’, Sunday will be spent in church and with my fam, and Sunday night and monday will be time for the besties to spend some qt!! Isn’t that just exciting.. and I get to go to the movies… Praise Jesus!!!
Even when things aren’t how I want them to be I realize that I have so much to look forward to. Tomorrow, next week and even next year will present so many great things and now is the time to prepare for all that God has in store… im getting there guys, im growing up slowly but surely…

hurt by your actions

Posted in actions, frustrations, hurt, life, pain, people I love, sisters, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 9, 2008
life sometimes is complicated and that is something that i have learned to understand and accept. i know that every once in a while life throws us a curve ball and we just have to roll with the punches. but that doesn’t change the fact that even when life moves you, there are still the same people here where you came from. someone that i look to as a sister was going thru some stuff about 6 or 7 months ago but i didn’t know what was going on til about 3 months after the fact. one day we were hanging out together and then the next day she was gone. just like that. she didn’t say goodbye, didn’t say she was leaving, and she didn’t say that she would be back. but me being who i am i’m gonna do what it takes to make sure that you okay so about 3 weeks after not hearing from her at all i starts blowing up her phone. i mean, im callin everyday like 3 times a day leaving messages and all but she never answered. eventually i started shooting her emails and junk and still she never responded. soon her phone was disconnected and i was really worried then til i found out from one of her friends what was really going on. some things had happened that kinda threw her off track and so she went somewhere to get her self together. that was understandable. once i found out about what was going on i could actually breathe easy for a while. a lil while after i found out what had happened i decided to shoot her another email and since then we have been in some type of communication. it wasn’t until yesterday that i really talked to her for the first time since she left. she emailed me and told me that her cell was back on and that her number was the same so i decided i might as well give her a call. so we ended up talking for a while and she told me that she was in another state and doing well. she had a new job, got a new house and was kinda settled in about 2 months ago. while i was happy to hear that she was back on her feet and doing well I was a lil angry with her. for as far back as i can remember, me and her have been cool and since then there hasn’t been a week that we dont see each other or talk over the phone. thats why when she just disappeared i thought it was kinda freaky but i couldn’t be upset about life throwing a hex in her plan. i cant even be mad at the fact that she didn’t come back to these parts because i know how life can be. but what i am angry about, is the fact that even after everything is said and done she didn’t even have the audacity to call. she told me when i called her that her phone had been on for over a month but yet she never called or anything. thru all the emails that we have sent one another she never told me that she was okay and back on her feet. she never told me that she wasn’t coming back to baltimore at all and im upset about it. i would think that when someone is that close to you you would at least call and just to let them know that you are okay but i guess not. even tho i am a lil angry upset and hurt i am still happy that everything worked out for her and she is doing okay. regardless of where she is or where life takes us she will always be a sister to me and i will always have love for her. i just had to get that off my chest real quick lolzz…
[[im oh so 08]]

alone in this world

Posted in decisions, friends, frustrations, lonliness by Tanae' A. on January 7, 2008

A lot of times, for some reason, people tend to come to me with their problems. I dont really mind tho, I’m always down for giving an encouraging word or two when someone needs it. I just feel that when someone comes at me with a problem its my job to do whatever it takes to help them out even if it is just to offer a listening ear or two. But sometimes, my helping people can cause problems for me. Most times I have my own problems and struggles that I deal with and so I put all my stuff on the back burner to tend to someone elses needs and I know that its not good but thats just who I am. Yesterday I was having a really crappy day, I was sad about Cornell, a lot of stuff had went down and I was drained because my lil cousin was relying on me so much to be there for her and really by the end of the day all that I really wanted is for someone to take time out to listen to me. I wanted someone to sit down and hear everything that was wrong. I ended up txting a friend and telling her that I was having an issue that I needed to talk about and she txted me back to tell me that she felt the same way as me. She didn’t ask what was wrong nor did she offer an encouraging word but instead she told me that she too was having a bad day and she too needed someone to talk to. And without second thought I called her and I asked her what was wrong and she talked and talked about everything. By the time she finished talking I had already forgotten about my problems [[and so had she]] and I told her what the best thing was to do in her situation. Then I called my lil cousin and talked to her for a while about her issue and I prayed with her. And after everything was said and done with I realized that I was still there with my issues and I still had no one to listen to me because I was too busy listening to everyone else. No one was there to help me because I was always helping someone else and that ultimately leaves me alone by myself to deal with this crap on my own.

rip-cornell.jpg

It really is my fault that things happen the way that they do and I accept full responsibility but I cant help the way that I am. At the end of the day I am more concerned about making everyone else happy that I never stop to do what makes me happy. The people in my life ARE my life. They are the people that I need and if they are happy and content then somewhere in my heart I can find a lil bit of happiness that will get me thru. If dealing with my own problems and frustrations means neglecting them and not being there when they need me than there is no point in dealing with my own issues. No matter what I have to deal with, no matter who I have to help or who I have to be there for… when the shit hits the fan I have no one to turn to. My besties are there for me always and I can always depend on them to help me forget about my problems but who am I to crowd their lives with my issues when their problems are so much bigger than mine.

I could complain about not having money after I pay tithes and bills and help out my grandmother… but my friend just lost her job and has an apartment and a car to pay for. I could complain about having to walk the two blocks to my job everyday in the cold…but my friend cant even walk right now. I could complain cause my mother is getting on my nerves…but my friend’s mother is not even there. I could complain about not feeling well and barely being able to breathe some days…but my friend is showing symptoms of MS. I could complain about the stress at work…but my friend doesn’t even have a job to go to. I could complain about some dude getting on my nerves…but my friend is dealing with a dude that wont take care of his child. I could complain about the death of a great man…but some girl will go to the funeral of her father today. I could complain because I have no medicine for this headache… but my friend has to take so many pills everyday that make her feel crazy and weird. I could complain about having to wake up early this morning…but my friends uncle cant even get out the bed let alone sit up. I could complain about the people around me needing so much from me…but i have a friend who is taking every second of everyday to help her friend get thru a tough time and it has taken her time her money and part of her sanity just to see this person make it to tomorrow morning on the right track. I could complain about so much stuff…but the people that i love the most go thru so much more than me everyday so who I am to complain. Who am I to sit around and sulk in my problems and issues.Who am I to be so selfish to think for two seconds that I should take time out for me instead of being there for them. I would rather be alone in this world rather than have any of them feel like they have to get thru everyday on their own. And if helping them all day means crying myself to sleep some nights then I guess I’ll have to deal with that the best way I know how…