[{GRaViTY}]

things really do get better…i guess

Posted in friends, healing, moving on, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 24, 2008
yesterday I was talking to Silk Rayon and I told her that every day gets worse. for a while that was true. but, today its not. today is better. today I woke up at 6:30…just because I wanted to. I was at work on time which shocked EVERYBODY lol. the sun is shining bright… the bus was on time… it wasn’t too hot. it is just a better ok day. im smiling, laughing, talking to my friends, making jokes and loving it. yes, today is an okay today. secret:: I have a friend. like a friend friend. ok, dont shake your head just yet. we were friends before this entire fiasco even began but I brushed him off because of the idiot in ohio. he’s…nice. we are JUST FRIENDS for all of you concerned individuals. no dating, no late night rendezvous, no extreme crushing yet…just a nice guy to talk to a few days out of the week. and I’m not even totally comfy with that because I dont want to use him as a crutch or a rebound. but, I’m slowly moving FORWARD with my life and leaving JHW II in the past so once I get over that its nice to know that I’ll have someone there. tomorrow marks the weekend and I’m acting out for a while. not totally, completely acting out…im still holding on to my save I just need to let off some steam. so, me and the goone’s are hanging and I’m gonna let all my cares go for just one night. should be fun. I’m feeling good today, feeling better today. maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe not but for right now I’m ok. it’ll get better with time I suppose, my heart is slowly healing and I’m moving on…for good. no lie this time lolzz.
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Y&YA

Posted in choir, healing, health, ministry, music, R.I.P Cornell, Shiloh, youth ministry by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
This coming friday the youth and young adult choir will come together to have a rehearsal. We now have a new musician and while I am excited about something new I am also a bit skeptical about this. The last time Y&YA sung we had Cornell there with us. I’m doing this for him. I remember so many days we would come out and it would only be four or five of us at best and he would always tell us to keep coming. He always said that it would get better. He was that drive we needed to keep going some days. Even tho he’s not here in person I feel like he is the drive that still keeps me going. I can picture him now with that grin as he raises that one eyebrow and says “baby girl, you gotta keep doin what you doing” and then that crazy Askew Williams would always co-sign with him “thats right keep on coming,  just keep on coming” lolzz… It wont be the same without Cornell but I know that his spirit lives on and because I know that he believed in us i’m going to go in there knowing that we can do and be something better than anyone ever imagined. It may start with a few but I’m believing that we will be fruitful and multiply.
Cornell~ I miss you so much and I love you. Things aint the same without you but I keep you in my heart and I thank you for everything that you  have done. I am a better person because I was impacted by you and I know that you are looking out for me, for us. Strengthen the Bishop so he can come back and play for us real soon. Rest In Peace.
Bishop, My Bishop~ You know I loves you and I hope that you get better real soon cause I miss seeing your smiling face.  Jus take your time and get well because we need you. See you soon and until then you are in my prayers.
Tanae’ A.

A Happy Tanae’

So… it is now 12:30am Monday morning but my mind is still in Sunday because I have not been to sleep yet. Let me just state for the record…[[i am so frickin happy right now, i mean, i dont think i can remember the last time I have been this happy]] Of course you want to know what is making me so happy…well, let me replay the weekend for you.

FRIDAY::

By the time I got off work, I wasn’t too happy. I was tired, frustrated and upset but thats not relevant right now. I ended up going home and sitting in my room for forever with my brother. I was waiting patiently for my booboo Ashley to come over so that we could go over to my besties house for a girls night. After a few hours her bus rolled around the corner and we were ready to go. We had a ball yall…we danced and laughed and watched some old-as-dirt episodes of comic view from like ’99 and then we went to sleep. I was excited tho because usually when it comes to new people in my life I am so quick to push them away but I felt comfortable with Ashley, I just wanted to be around her and she didn’t get on my nerves at all that night so I kinda felt good about that.

SATURDAY::

We didn’t get in the bed on Friday night til about 5 in the morning and we woke up at 7:30 to get dressed. Mommy was taking us to breakfast!! YaY!! So we go to eat and then we run to the bank to cash my check. Soon we were right back at Jazzy’s house attempting to take a nap. But of course, Jasmine is never ever sleepy so she sat up messing around making sure that we didn’t go to sleep. 11:30 hit and Big Mama was calling me && Ashley to get up so she could take us back to my house. We sat around doing nothing for about an hour and then we left out so she could get on the bus and go home. But, what do ya know?? She misses the effin bus. Now, we’re talking about the 4…you know, the one that comes every hour. It’s now 12:45 and I have to go driving at 1 and I really dont know what you are going to do baby. So she’s sitting in the house by herself [because everyone else was gone] mad as I dont know what cause she’s bored and lonely. Eventually she went home and around 3:15 I was back in the house and Phil was on his way. We all hopped on the bus to go to the mall and meet Ashley then we walked around for a lil bit before heading back out to familiar territory!! LoL!! How bout:: we was seven deep [Me, Shink, Jazzy, Jessa, Phil, Shay, and Ash] so anyways, we all went out to eat and then we parted ways around 11. For some reason around 12 midnight Ashley decides that she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants to sit up talking and acting like a retard for like 5 hours. Mind you, the night before we only got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nap to carry us over. I have no clue what time we fell asleep but in the morning I was tired and mad cause Shay woke us up at like 8:30…like what really was she thinking??

SUNDAY::

I woke up ready for church. I knew what I was wearing and all I had to do was iron my clothes. Thankfully my outfit looked right, all I had to do was switch around the pants cause the ones I had on first wasn’t flowing with the shoes. So, we eat, get dressed and head out the door. Suprisingly we walk into the sanctuary at 10:56 and I was absolutely shocked. Service was great. It was funny cause the whole time we sitting there we trying to figure out who is going to preach so we thinking Bishop is just running late or something…of course he’ll show up. Nope, we was all surprised to see Pastor Ben Long walk up on the pulpit. Slam soon as I saw him I turned and looked at mommy like we bout to get a good word. And what do ya know?? God was in that place so heavy… I promise, I dont even remember the benediction. It was awesome… like, I have seen God move. I have seen things in church that will have me just like “Wow, look at God” but today… I cant even explain it. The word was good but there was something about God’s presence in that place that just made me feel tingly inside… it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m talking a good 20 minutes after everybody was gone out the sanctuary I’m still trying to get it together so that we could go… but I couldn’t. Everytime I tried to make it out of there the spirit of God was just holding on to me with like incredible force. All I can say is, you had to be there to see it or know what i felt fa’real. I have never ever had an experience like that or seen anything like that ever before in my life and it just blew my mind completely. I just wish that I could have stayed right there forever.

But eventually we had to leave so… we went home, changed clothes, ate and headed to Jazzy’s. We were watching some Lifetime movies and I was trying desperately to go to sleep but Ashley lil stpuid self kept tickling me and them other two bamas was so loud it was ridiculous. We played a game of monopoly and around 8:45 we left to go to my house. We stood with Ashley at the bus stop and went back in, talked with Indi for a while and watched a movie while I took out my hair. I just now hopped in the shower and now I am about to go to sleep cause I am exhausted but I just had to tell everyone how happy I am right now.

FINALLY::

I finally feel like everything in my life is falling into place. I have the best friends in the world that help me grow in so many ways. They are there thru good times and bad times… to make me laugh when I want to cry. I have the best girl in the world by my side letting me know that its just life… hopefully I can help her grow. [she told me today that she never felt anything like what she felt in church today and she wishes that she could join… I told her she could with out a problem] hopefully, we’ll help each other in the long run. I have the most wonderful support in the entire world, a wonderful church family that is there no matter what. They are there to give me hug, pray a prayer, offer a word of encouragement or simply life me up off the floor when I find myself half way under the sixth pew..LoL!! Really, I cant complain. And a lot of times I look around at all that I have and I feel unworthy, I feel like I dont deserve it but not right now. I know for a fact that I am truly undeserving of every blessing that I get and I am completely aware of the fact that I dont even deserve the air in my lungs but its different right now. I dont deserve it, I know I dont but God has so much love in Him to allow me to be here today. He is allowing me to be who I am today and I am truly grateful for that. I serve a God that accepts me just the way I am… even after every wrong thing that I have done he still looks at me and loves me and continuously blesses me. He dont look at me and see everything that I have been thru and done and I shouldn’t look at me like that either. My slate is clean my sins are forgiven and I am here today if for no other reason but to give Him praise for bringing me thru everything that I have been thru and to be a witness to those that are going thru. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the person that I used to be.. but I see all that God has in store for me and it gives me joy just to know that I dont look like what I been thru… now, thats a word..

Guys…I’M HAPPY!!!

giving back to the one that gave to me

Posted in decisions, family, giving back, healing, hospitals, people I love, prayer, thoughts by Tanae' A. on November 7, 2007

I have some good news and some bad news… well good news comes first and the bad news is not really that bad.

Good news is… my Nana will be getting out of the hospital on the 27th. Yes, that is a long way away but at least she is making enough daily progress to know when she can be released. And there is a possibility that she would be able to get out for a day so that she can come and have thansgiving dinner with the family. I am excited about that.

Bad news:: Most likely she wont be able to live by herself. Everything really depends on how much progress she makes in the next few weeks. There are not too many options as far as living arrangements are concerned but I have decided that if things dont work out the way we hope they do I’ll step up to the plate. Someone made a suggestion that we put her in a nursing home but I know my Nana && there aint no way in hell she going for that. She likes her independence and even if she aint fully independent she want to act like she independent. So in the past hour I have completely made up my mind that I would graciously move into her house and stay there with her. I was thinking after I said it out loud that I just put my foot in my mouth but then I started really thinking about it. After everything that my Nana has done for me I think that I owe her to do something like this. It would be a big move and a huge adjustment but I would be able to do it if I had to.

I just feel like that’s the least I can do ya know… just pray bout it fa’real.

&& WE know…

and we know that ALL things work together 

A few Sundays ago we sat in a service that we really didn’t want to be in. I wanted to go at first but once I got in there I realized that I wasn’t in the mood for ‘church’ and so I was only half way paying attention. I was focused on everything but what was going on right in front of me and then something grabbed my attention. It wasn’t the choir’s singing and it wasn’t the man that was preaching, nor was it the scripture that was read but it was the title of the sermon.. “He’s working it out” The sermon grabbed my attention and held on to it for dear life and at that moment in time those four words are what I needed to hear.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was back at work and unable to be by my Nana’s side and that really had me in a funk. I tried talking to friends but nothing that they said made me feel any better about any of it. Finally, I called Jess and she tried to make me feel better but I just ignored everything she said because I wanted to remain in my lil funk. By the time I got home it was dark out [[because the sun is now setting by the time lunch rolls around..ridiculous]] and I just needed to get a few hours of sleep. BUT OF COURSE THE PEOPLE THAT I LIVE WITH ARE LOUD AND RUDE AND WOULD NOT LET ME SLEEP…so I laid there in the dark for two hours thinking and praying and crying my lil eyes out.

Needless to say, today I feel better. I am still not happy about the situation that my Nana is in but I remembered that sermon from that sunday and I know that He’ll work it out. No matter how bad things look right now or how slow the process is… I know that it will be okay because the GOD the my Nana serves cant fail. She always used to tell me that God is still God and no matter what happens that will never change. He’s still God, no matter what happens today or tomorrow or what problems I have… I know that he’s still who He says He is. And I have a lil bit of faith that lets me rest assured that everything really will work itself out and its that lil bit of faith that gonna get me thru the days and weeks and months of helping my grandmother get back to her normal… she has been my strength for so long and now I have to be strong for her.

im trying to trust Him…

Posted in emergencies, family, G-D, healing, help me!!, hospitals, hurt, love, people I love, when everything goes wrong by Tanae' A. on November 5, 2007

So, friday night was fun just like any other friday night. I did nothing but chill with my besties and eat sketti all night. I went to see Vicky-T for a while and she seems to be holding up pretty good. But, it was all fun… a great night. Then around 6:30am we get the call that put me in a funk. My Nana had a stroke. I dont think it registered at first, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up went driving and then went to the hospital and thats when it hit me. MY NANA HAD AN EFFIN STROKE!!! It’s been hard seeing her like this. To know that there is nothing i can do. Is she going to pull thru this okay?? I think she will. but its going to be a long hard process and everyone is going to have to be strong for her.

I told myself last night, after being at the hospital practically all day, that no matter what happened I would continue to have faith in God. I’m trusting that He will bring her thru this alright and things will go back to normal but even if they dont [go back to normal] i still wanna know that He is still God. No matter what happens… he’s still faithful. And even when none of us feel like being strong anymore I trust that He’s going to be there to help strengthen us. But right now I dont need him to be my strength, or my friend, or my confidant or even my provider… right now I need him to be her healer. I am unimportant. My needs are not what matters right now… I need him to bring her some strength so that she can walk again, give her some comfort for those lonely nights in that hospital bed… give her some healing that will help her to get better really soon.

i’m trying to trust Him… I really am

saying goodbye

Tomorrow morning sad and hurting hearts will gather to say goodbye to Ms. Sarah. They will come together to support one another and to pay their last respects to a lady that will not be forgotten. I wish I could go but unfortunately I have to work but my sister and bestie are all going to support the family, especially Victoria. I think goodbye is one of the hardest things that we can say to someone and this week I know that lots have struggled with having to say those two simple words. I am happy tho, and I feel very blessed to know that I am apart of a supporting church family that comes together no matter what happens to support one another. I am happy that so many of Shiloh’s members have gathered in that house that I have walked past so many times. They have gone to support a family that is pained by a loss. I know that tomorrow will be hard day for them and my prayers are def. wit them all day long. I just hope and pray that even after tomorrow, they remember that God is there to comfort them and that she is there watching over them all but more importantly she is in their hearts.

Good bye Ms. Sarah… watch over us all

R.I.P Brielle… && thank you for strengthening the gurls. They miss you terribly but they are doing so good and they are growing and realizing that life is worth living. Thank you especially for watching and keeping Lucy, you have somehow managed to give her some type of direction and I know that you are proud of her. She is a beautiful girl and she is learning to be as strong as you were. One Love.

my poo butt shay…

In the 6th grade I met a lot of crazy girls!! LoL!! They were my chicks all thru middle school…we got in trouble together, we fought with each other, we beefed over dumb stuff, we supported each other and we tried our best to give each other advice about issues that none of us knew about. I remember all the fights and good times and memories back at DMS… those were the good days. After middle school most of us went our seperate ways. About 4 of us went to the same high school and the rest of them were history. One of them girls that tagged along to high school was Shay, we were closest to her out of all them crazies. But anyways, since the first day of middle school til like 11th grade it was us three: Shanae’, Tanae’ and Nashay [yes all three of our names rhyme!!] Eventually Shay moved and she was no longer there everyday but we still kept in touch. She was still there for all the occasions and two years later she was still calling us her ‘best friends’ LoL!! I love my chick…she has been thru a lot in the past two years and yesterday we sat down and had a super long talk about so much stuff that she has been dealing with. So, I’ll make it my business to be there for her and I’ll make sure that she is in church bright and early sunday morning and i’ll do what I can to help her to rebuild that relationship with God. She just needs to know that no matter how many times you turn away from Him, He’ll always be there waiting for you to turn back to Him. Bottom line, I love my poo butt Shay and for the longest time, she has been there for me holding me down so now its time to be there for her. She is my longest friend and there are not too many people that I can truely call a friend but she is one of them.

she’s my bestie

Posted in cancer sucks, family, friends, growth, healing, Jasmine, Luvli Ladiez, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 24, 2007

okay.. so I’m way out of order but I decided I would wait til India’s birthday to write about her and her son… so tomorrow you will read about them.

My Jazzy Girl.. what can be said about her?? She is like my sister and we have been thru the worlds most stuff in the time that we have been friends. We have fought and laughed and cried and cursed each other out. We have gotten in tons of trouble together and we have grown together and there is nothing that she cannot do. She has fought thru every thing that life has thrown at her and she has come out more stronger and more beautiful then she has ever been. I love her to death because of the person that she is but most of all because of the strength that she has. When I am weak I can count on her to be there and she always pulls thru. She has one hell of a testimony and thru everything her faith in God has increased tremendously. Sure, she has her shortcomings and she faces her issues but she is such a better person because of everything that she has had to endure. We argue and we get on each others nerves but nothing or no one can break our bond. I love this chick more than words can say and I would graciously lay down my life for her. There are not too many people that I can honestly say are my friends but I can count her in. She has been there, thru the good the bad and the indifferent and she will always be there. Her family is my family and my family is hers… no one will ever take her place in my life and nothing can take her out of my heart. She can be bossy and sometimes she can even be a b**ch but she’s my bestie and I love her tremendously!!

Up next is Jessa… she’s my #1 Go0n13

a very emotional weekend

I dont really know how to explain this weekend. It was very emotional and very weird but we managed to get thru it. We actually had plans for friday. The dungeons was on our list of things to do but it was closed because of the rain so we ended up going to this other haunted house. After standing in that line for about 10 minutes we realized that it wasn’t worth it because it looked like it was for a bunch of little kids so we sold our tickets and left. So it turned out to be a girls night. We got a few drinks and sat around to play cards and that’s when it all started. We are sitting here talking about nothing in particular and then we just started talking about life. About everything that we had to get thru to get to where we are. Talking about all the poeple that weren’t there and how we were going to learn from their mistakes. We talked about everything that was hurting us and everything that we wished we could change. We talked about so much stuff and then we realized how absolutely blessed we were. We are here, all of us and we are doing damn good. We were sitting around all of us trying to be something better and this is what we have to be proud of. Sometimes we cant be proud of our parents or our family members but we are proud of ourselves because we were strong enough to make it thru every thing that the devil threw at us and we did it with the help of God. So this Friday night gurls night turned into a full blown praise party right there in the house. We sat there for at least an hour just praying and praising and thanking God because we made it to where we were and we are so blessed because we are here. It was a moment that I will continue to replay over and over again in my head for a long long time. It was just that special.

But anyways, we woke Saturday morning and we wanted to cook breakfast but everyone had something to do and in order to get to our various destinations we only had time to shower and get dressed before we were out the door fast. I went home, changed clothes and then got prepared to go driving. [my driving lessons are not up for discussion… LoL!! I’ll tell you about them when all my hours are complete and that will not be til Nov. 10th] I came home after two hours and sat around doing absolutely nothing. Finally my friend Smurph came over and we hung out all day not doing nothing until we decided to go see Jazzy. So me him and Shay hopped in the car and we were on our way. The visit started out a lil shakey cause everyone was getting on everybody’s nerves but after about 10 minutes we were all good. We played cards and ate a lil til about 1 in the morning and then we went home. I hopped right in the bed and was out like a light.

I did not want to wake up at 6:30 the next morning but I dragged myself out of the bed anyway. I put on anything and was ready to go by the time 7:45 hit. We hopped in the car and road up the peninsula at top speed and by the time we got to the church I was ready to go back to sleep!! LoL!! We went inside and the guest person who came, no I do not know his name, did really well. I really enjoyed their lil mini concert and sooner than I thought we were out the door. I talked for a bit then went up the street to grab a bite to eat. I recieved a phone call to let me know that there was no sunday school but I still came back down a lil early to talk to my peoples. I sat around for a while, laughed, joked, had another conversation about school and then we headed into service.

The service was good. The choir was great. The sermon was on point. But for some reason I felt disconnected… I wanted to be focused and I tried really hard but there were so many things on my mind that posed as minor distractions. When church was over we made a speedy exit so that we would be at NaNa’s house on time. On the way out I got a hug from someone and that was all the confirmation that I needed that a certain issue has been resolved. It felt good to finally have this woman acknowledge my presence and I walked away with a smile on my face. We went to NaNa’s house and waited because, of course after we rushed to get there, no one was ready. We went out in the tent to eat and have fun and eventually we went back home. While we were waiting for everyone to come and the food to get ready me and Jazzy had a really nice conversation… we just talked about things that we have never talked about before and I got a chance to actually tell her some things that she never asked and I never told. We got in the house and watched ‘Georgia Rule’ which was really good and then she left. I went upstairs to my room and I just thought about a lot of stuff. I finally went to sleep way after my bedtime and here I am on this monday evening ready to go home and watch Why Did I Get Married…

I purposely left all of the emotional things out. There are two reasons why I did that. 1. I have already talked about this with my second mother and it nearly brought me to tears at work so therefore I do not wish to discuss it anymore today… or until ultimately forced to deal with the situation at hand. 2. It is all kinda tied into one thing and the one thing that is at the root of all this craziness is not mine to discuss. Yes it involves me because it involves someone that I love very much but if that person just happened to browse by my blog I dont think they would too happy about their business being exposed.

I dont think it is going to be an easy week… it is still monday. I think I am anxious for the weekend to come because its my sisters 21st birthday and my TroyBoy is going to be at the party. This just gives me and excuse to see him without really letting him know that I want to see him. And I can flirt with him and make out with him all night which is always fun for a girl to do!! 🙂 This weekend is also my besties birthday so you know we bout to really have some fun.