[{GRaViTY}]

I NEED A BREAK!!!

Posted in life by Tanae' A. on November 26, 2007

LIFE IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW… LIKE REALLY. I CANT DEAL WITH EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING IS HITTING ME ALL AT ONCE. AND SO TO AVOID ALL THE HURT AND PAIN AND FRUSTRATIONS OF LIFE I WOULD MUCH RATHER DRIFT OFF INTO MY OWN LITTLE WORLD UNTIL ABSOLUTELY FORCED TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAZINESS. SOMETIMES, LIFE GETS TO BE TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH AND THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES. I JUST NEED A BREAK. A BREAK FROM LIFE AND EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG RIGHT NOW. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE PROBLEMS AND ISSUES AND ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG BECAUSE IF I DONT GET AWAY I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN AND RIGHT NOW I CANT DO THAT. RIGHT NOW I AM BEING FORCED TO BE THIS STRONG PERSON THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE. INSIDE I WANT TO CRY BUT I KNOW THAT AS SOON AS THE TEARS FALL I WONT BE ABLE TO STOP THEM. SO, I PUT ON MY SMILE AND I USE MY HAPPY FACE AND I DWELL ON ALL THE THINGS THAT ADD A LIL JOY TO MY LIFE AND I FORGET ABOUT ALL THE HURT THAT MY HEART IS EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW.

IM QUITTING THIS BLOG… NOT FOR GOOD, JUST FOR A WHILE. I CANT PUT MY FEELINGS INTO WORDS AND REALLY THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS THAT I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH. WRITING THEM DOWN MEANS DEALING WITH THEM SO FOR A SHORT WHILE I’LL BE TAKING A BREAK. PLEASE KEEP ME AND MY FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS… SOONER OR LATER THINGS WILL GET BETTER. SOONER OR LATER I’LL HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE BUT RIGHT NOW I CANT ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL THIS HURT CAUSE IF I DO I WONT BE ABLE TO BE STRONG.

THANX GUYS FOR READING…

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Thanksgiving Blues

Posted in events, family, frustrations, people I love by Tanae' A. on November 21, 2007

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I am not excited at all. I will wake up at the crack of dawn to clean up the house before everyone gets there. I’ll get dressed and go to church and then come back to probably do more cleaning and rearranging of furniture so that everyone can have somewhere to sit. We’ll wait patiently for guests to arrive and then the headache will start. Kids will be running around, I will be called upon to go to everyone’s car and helpdrag their food and bags into the kitchen. Then I will have to monitor all the kids, make sure they dont mess up nothing, destroy nothing and of course they must put their plates and cups in the trash. But, usually, I dont mind that. Usually, I’ll take it for what it is and roll with it because after all, this is my family and this is the only time of the year [besides Christmas] that we all get to be together. But this year, I am not excited at all. I feel like my family is slowly drifting apart and we only get together because thats what we’re supposed to do. Just like with everything else. We have Sunday dinner because we’re supposed to, but what happens now that my Nana cant cook?? Do we just ignore it all?? We have these dinners every daggone Thanksgiving and Christmas but to me, it has never ever been about the food. It was always about spending time with my family. Being around everyone at once and just enjoying their company. What is there to enjoy now?? Most of my family is spread half way across the world and the other ones that are close, I barely even talk to so what is the point. Why do we get together so habitually when no one really looks forward to it? Why do we care about this big dinner and all this food when there is so much going on? Maybe I’m just tripin, maybe I should be happy because I never see these people. Maybe I should look forward to it because I’ll laugh and enjoy it and have fun but as soon as 7:00 creeps up everyone will be gone. And I wont see them til Christmas and then after that never again until next year or until something big happens in the family. So excuse me if I’m not hyped up about this phony lil family gathering and forgive me for speaking the truth but I’m really not caring about this. I’m just not in the mood for another Thanksgiving Dinner… maybe because all it is is a dinner.

giving of myself

Posted in frustrations, poetry, relationships, right vs. wrong, thoughts by Tanae' A. on November 20, 2007

A lot of times it is extremely hard for me to be this really open person. Most times I keep my feelings to myself because thats where they’re most safe. No one can ignore or dismiss my feelings when they aren’t made public therefore I prefer to keep them to myself. My feelings and emotions go into my writing. My poems capture every emotion that I feel and that has become my outlet over the years. I dont confide in people. I am easily hurt and usually the hurt that I feel comes off as anger. So when someone comes along and aint really digging the way I am…I say oh well. This is me, what you see is what you get. This secretive withdrawn person. I push people away with my attitude and I keep myself guarded at all times because the second you give someone your everything you will get hurt. I learned that the hard way. No, I’m not bitter I just know better than to make the same mistake more than once. Thats why I dont really understand why I am willing to compromise right now. For some reason I have gotten to a point where I am trying to give more of myself in order to move further and this for me is like super hard to do but I am really trying. I just wish that the one person that mattered right now could see my effort and appreciate it for what it is… stop concentrating on what is so wrong and try to look at what im struggling to do right.

Tae’

a lloonngg day

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on November 19, 2007

It is only 11:15 and I am already know that its going to be a super long day. For some odd reason I felt the cold to be comforting this morning. Maybe because it wasn’t that bad. I dont know. Right now, there is a lot going thru my head. A lot of people in my mind and a lot of decisions that I have to figure out for myself. My honey will be home in two days and I wish that I didn’t know. I dont know why his brother insists on telling my everytime he is going to be in Baltimore. For some reason, this time around, I have no desire to talk to him or be around him or even see him. I know that he’s okay and thats all that really concerns me so the rest of it doesn’t even matter. I have moved on to something better or should I say someone better. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I am so excited because its going to be an extra long weekend coming up. On Wednesday night I get to go spend time with my baby and Thursday will be spent in the company of all my family. I am so happy because my aunt and uncle are coming down and I haven’t seen either of them in a very long time because they moved to Chicago. And I am also happy because I get to go to the movies on Thursday to watch ‘This Christmas’… now thats hawt!!

And I am so thankful that I am getting paid soon!!! LoL!! I AM SO BROKE THIS WEEK!!! I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!! HaHaHa!! Maybe someone should have been handing out 20’s for my birthday cause this ish is ridiculous!! I mean… it’s so bad. LoL! I have to take this frickin adapter back to WalMart cause it doesn’t work in my computer and thats like $40 in my pocket so I’m happy about that. Now I can get to work for the next two days and go to the movies on Thursday…now thats a blessing!!

Okay… so I’m a lil tired of typing so I hope that you all have a good day. I wont post again until tomorrow unless something comes up. Talk later.

And while you all are waiting for tomorrow to get here… check out my other blog No Ordinary Reflection… just a few poems that you might enjoy

the best birthday ever…

Around 11:30 pm on Friday night we were in the house with a bunch of people. Playing monopoly and card games and dancing to some music just having a blast. So, me and the besties decide to crowd in the bathroom and sit on the floor and just talk. We talked for about 20 minutes and by the time we got up my booty was hurting like you would not believe but that didn’t even matter. We just sat there [emotional of course LoL] and talked about all the tests that our friendship has overcome. We talked about how we were there for each other from day one. Thru everything that life thru at us we had each other and without each other we wouldn’t be here today. Jazzy talked and talked and talked!! LoL!! She sat there and told Ashley so many wonderful things bout me that I have never even heard her say and at that moment I felt like I was the luckiest person in the whole world. There I was, sharing my birthdy with the three most important girls in my life and it was so worth it. I no longer wanted to go out anywhere and I didn’t have to do anything special because I wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else doing anything else. I had so much fun just sitting in the living room dancing with scarves and walking down by the pier and looking at the stars on the water… its getting up at 8am to go to breakfast and 5 people sitting in one of those photo things in the mall that cost $3 too much money. Its the people that make this life easy that made this birthday the best that it could ever be. I thank God for each of them..Shink Jazzy and my LeyLey…they are my world.

thru all the b.s…

Posted in besties, birthdays, blessings, friends by Tanae' A. on November 18, 2007

On Friday I was pissed… like really mad. Only because Ashley decided to tell me she was going to go out with some friends for the whole weekend. And the thing that really pissed me off is that she was talking to me all day long telling me all this stuff bout being over somebody else house, laying in their beds and all this other boody mess. So of course, I was pissed. But, when I got off the bus, walked the long three blocks to my front door and went inside… guess who was sitting on my couch?? My LeyLey!! I was sooo happy. And at that point, all the things that pissed me off didn’t even matter anymore because I got a chance to be with her the whole weekend and I was so happy bout it. And I just want to state that no matter how much we argue and fight and disagree about the simple things… she’s still me baby and I just feel some sorta way when I’m with her [[LoL!! insider]] She made my weekend complete and I am so thankful for her. Now, she is slightly upset because things today seemed to work against her but its okay… they’ll work themselves out. The best gift that I got for my birthday this year was my baby and my besties… thats really all that matters in this world right now cause without them… im nothing.

get wit it or get lost

Posted in acceptance, besties, decisions, family, friends, people I love by Tanae' A. on November 16, 2007

Yesterday morning on the way to work I had a long over due conversation with my older sister India. I was hesitant about having this conversation because there are times when she can be very judgemental and that was something that I had to prepare myself for. But, to my surprise, she didn’t react how I thought she would. She, asked me questions about it and that was it. She said nothing else about the subject and she wasn’t mad at all. So I was happy. Me and Ashley are growing on one another and I dont know where this thing is going to lead but I think that the hardest thing that I would ever have to do is talk to the people that are closest to me and tell them about whats going on. My cousins know, they were out with us over the weekend so they kinda let 3 and 4 equal 10. None of them asked me any questions but they asked my brother like 500 of them which was cool. I didn’t really mind. My besties knew first. They are excited about it…  but I guess that they’re just happy cause I’m happy. And besides.. they think Ashley is a cool chick. My sisters know and eventually my older cousin will find out. Or my younger cousins will find out. And when either of them find out then my aunt is going to know. And as soon as my aunt hears something she’s going straight to my mom. So what happens then?? She asks me questions, I answer them honestly and the rest is up to her. What will she say?? Will she be angry?? Will she be accepting?? Will she love me any different or just tell me that Ashley cant stay over anymore?? I wonder those things. The people that mean the most have the most impact on me and so its those people that I want to be okay with the decision that I have decided to make. I like what Jay-Z said “this is the life I chose or rather the life that chose me.” But the important people dont just stop within my family and my friends… there are a few other people that have known me since I was 2 feet tall. People that have helped to grow me up and teach me some things and continue to be there today if only just to encourage me from time to time. Those people are important to me as well so I care about what they think. They’ll find out, one by one. They’ll put 8 and 3 together to make 15 and then they’ll start looking at me strange. Or they’ll beat around the bush with irrelevant questions when I show up in church with her sitting beside me…or maybe they’ll do nothing at all. Maybe they’ll keep their thoughts and questions to their selves because they dont know what else to say. Some of these people already know… or they think that they know but they are hoping that they are wrong. Some of the people that mean the world to me are reading this right now. But it’s okay… its okay to think what you think and to believe what you believe. Its okay to look at me funny or not know what to say. But it’s not okay to judge. It’s not okay to act as if what I chose to do is wrong. It’s not okay to say that its not okay. Either way, I’m happy and living my life and I hope that the important people can accept that for what it is and if not then oh well for you. GET WIT IT OR GET LOST!!!

&& i could not ask for more

I am tired this morning because the crazy people that i call my friends insist on calling me at 12:30 in the morning to say happy birthday way too loudly. And from then on my phone has not stopped ringing but its okay…i am grateful to have people that care enough to remember my birthday. I woke up this morning way too late and took an extra long shower and got dressed. Then i sat around talking to my mommy about NOTHING so she decided to take me to work. And I was so excited because the crazy people that I work with sang and danced like there was no tomorrow and I even got BALLOONS!!! Now how cool is that. So I am having a good day so far. I am going to spend my night with my besties and we are going to hang out and laugh and take pictures and wake up in the morning to pancakes and bacon!! Ow.. thats hott.

But, even under all this excitement and happiness, I am still a lil sad. My Ley Ley is not coming down to spend my birthday with me and I am really upset about it. We got into a really bad argument on wednesday so she decided to make other plans for her weekend and then calls me yesterday  to make up and tell me that she wont be coming down. So I was upset but I didn’t really mind cause she sais she would still come down on Saturday but what do ya know?? Today, in the midst of all my excitement she hits my phone telling me that she’s not coming at all because she wont have a way. [[well, um if you weren’t going to some stupid party you would have a way from your house but whatever]] So, yeah, um im a lil pissed right now but I cant be mad on my birthday so I’m not tripin over it. I’m going to have fun regardless whether she’s there or not. And lets see if I call her phone all weekend since she wants to be a lil party girl.

Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! I AM NO LONGER A TEENAGER NOW!! I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE WONDERFUL WEEKEND ON MONDAY MORNING… YALL KNOW HOW I DO!! LoL!!

Running From Reality

Posted in family by Tanae' A. on November 15, 2007

My grandmother has been in the hospital for some time now. I haven’t been to see her in over a week. Of course, I have had time. I have had transportation. There are no excuses to justify why I haven’t been up there. I just dont want to deal with this right now. I keep telling myself that if I dont go I’ll forget that she’s sick. If I dont call her than I’ll forget that her speech is still slurred. If I dont ask questions than I wont know that she’s still trying to walk on her own but she just cant do it yet. Yes, I am running from reality. I am trying to ignore the fact that my grandmother had a stroke and is now in the hospital. I am trying to ignore the fact that she may not ever be the same person that she as before. I am trying to not have to deal with any of it and so to save myself a lot of hurt and pain I just have not gone to see her. But now I feel guilty. So, I am going up there today and I’ll smile like nothings wrong and I’ll hug her like she were in her living room in front of the tv. I’ll kiss her like its Sunday evening and I’ll call her sexy even tho she’s rockin some ugly hospital garments. Cause reality is that no matter what I do or how hard I try to ignore things the situation still remains the same. Whether I go up there or not she’s still going to be there in that room and she’ll stay there until they say she can leave so I might as well suck it up and go see my sexy shamoomoo!! LoL!! Besides… maybe if I can get her to crack a smile, I’ll feel better.

I trust that you guys are still praying for her…

trying to figure things out

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on November 15, 2007

So, today is a very emotional day… I dont really know why. It just seems like my feelings are completely out of control. Could it be this Alicia Keys cd that is slamin hott && deep as all hell?? Maybe so. I’ve listened to it 8 times since I bought it last night. But anyways, whatever the reason is for this emotional state that I am in is not really liked right now. Like, who the h cries in the middle of the day just because… and then cant figure out if they are happy tears or sad tears… OMG!! Maybe it is the lack of sleep that has been haunting me for the past week because for some reason every frickin night there is something [or someone] that insists on keeping me up. Last night I was ready to be in the bed by 9:30 but then my sister just had to remind me that Real World was coming on in an half hour so… there went my night. LoL!! But really, today I am def going to go home, put some clothes away and take a nap for two hours. Hopefully that will put me back on track cause I know that I am getting no sleep for the rest of the weekend. Oh, and I may be getting another tattoo on Saturday and I am so super excited about that. I told my mom that I was stopping at 7 and she rolled her eyes… but we all know that 7 is the number of completion!!! LoL!! Okay, well let me go and figure out whats for lunch today.

Happy 17th Birthday Shantell… you’re always there no matter what and even thru all the craziness you know I love you to pieces!!