a change of plans

my thoughts and prayers are with the students, faculty and staff of Randallstown High School and well as the parents, family and friends of Steve Parrish. He was a graduating senior and scheduled to walk across the stage on Sunday. Unfortunately, his life was taken from him on yesterday May 29, 2008. I can not imagine what his family and friends are going thru. To the graduating seniors of Randallstown High, especially my lil cousin Sedria, keep yall heads up. Walk across that stage proud on Sunday. I pray that he is in a much better place and that you all hold onto his memory knowing that he was supposed to be celebrating the beginning of a new chapter with you all. Dria, babes, he might have been supposed to sit on your right side on graduation day but hopefully he’s on God’s right side right now.
Congratulations to all 2008 grads!! including Shany, TJ and my bestie JazzieGurl
ii cant really say what ii am going to do or what ii am not going to do because ii dont want to be a hypocrite…but, ii am changing a lot of things in my life as of right now. im just trying to better me fa’real because ii dont want a scare like that one ii had yesterday ever again. a new month is coming and im not pledging to change over night or to completely step into this ‘holier than tho’ attitude but ii do want to be better and do better. so therefore, ii solicit your prayers yet again. and, if you will please pray that ii am able to go back to school in the fall. ii have one REALLY BIG hurdle to jump over before ii can register but ii really really want to go. and pray for my sister, Jesus knows that cheesecake every other day would be nothing short of a blessing lmao.

new found hate for water…

Posted in blessings, G-D, phunni moments, prayer by Tanae' A. on May 30, 2008
personal shout out to Jesus, who is just awesome, for bringing my lil old self thru yet again. ii can never ever repay Him for all the miraculous things He does but while im down here ii might as well praise Him…
now…today, on the last friday of this month…ii was forced to drink so much water that my heart is literally swimming around inside of me lol. everyone knows that ii really dont like water. ii dont drink anymore than a few cups a day and even then it just disgusts me. but, today ii was forced to drink so much of it so ii could get my physical done for the new position at work. so, why did ii have to drink so much water?? BECAUSE NO ONE AT THE OFFICE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE A TWO HOUR WAIT BEFORE II WAS SEEN. so for two hours im drinking water and running to the bathroom like crazy waiting patiently for them to call my name. if ii would have known that the wait was so long ii would have started drinking that water around 10 minutes to 12 rather than at 9:30 this morning. ii do not want to see no water, taste no water, get in no water…ii dont even wanna take a shower til next week lol… ii promise, ii thought ii disliked water then…oh, ii despise it now. uurrgghh [[talk to you guys later, ii have to go pee now lmao]]


Posted in issues, life, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 30, 2008
First off, let me start by saying this…ii love God, He is frickin awesome and ii am forever grateful for every single thing that He has brought me thru in my short life. there have been times when ii have KNOWINGLY got myself into some deep crap and He was there to bail me out in a second. looking back, ii know that if He doesn’t do anything else for me ever again…i’m here today, alive and well and that’s the reason for my smile. that’s the reason for my praise. every time God blesses me, brings me thru something or simply helps me out ii am absolutely amazed because ii know that it could be the other way around. that is why, right now, ii cant complain. ii love Him and ii thank Him for EVERYTHING…
however, today ii am running to Him for help and im not sure if He is going to help me out of this one. dont doubt my faith, ii have plenty of that. but ii also know that sometimes my plan is wwaayy different than Gods plan, today ii pray its the same. ii need Him to give me a break once again, bring me out of this. ii cant make any promises, ii cant promise Him that im going to change my ways, ii cant give my word for anything, ii cant even bargain anything…ii just need HELP. ii just need Him to see me thru this one because right now…MY EVERYTHING IS ON THE LINE AND II HAVE NOTHING TO FALL BACK ON EXCEPT HIM. if He decides that He does not want me to be in the position that ii want to be in ii will try my absolute hardest to remain faithful and continue to trust in Him. if He brings me thru this ii will greatly benefit.
IF AND ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER…pray…pray…pray. dont stop praying. ii need you to go to God on my behalf. not that He would do anything special for me, because He is going to have His way regardless. but pray that no matter what the outcome may be that ii remain faithful and humble. pray that ii keep the strength for what lies ahead. pray that ii grow more and continue to be the person that HE desires me to be. no matter what the outcome. pray for me. not for my situation…He’s going to take care of that, ii believe that by faith. but pray for me, that no matter what happens ii can still come to Him thanking Him for what he choses to do.
ii want things to work out, ii want that more than anything…but theres a slight chance that it wont work out. im trying not to dwell on that fact, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. but im praying in advance that when He comes thru to bring me thru…i’ll be ready and willing to give more of myself to Him. ii cant promise anything, im far from perfect and a lot of the things ii do are not like Him at all but im still working on bettering me and all ii can offer Him is some effort.
please just pray…only if you believe

youth day = problems for me

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on May 29, 2008
ii really do love the idea of a well put together youth ministry, ii just have problems with the one that ii am apart of. this time every year ii get frustrated beyond belief. there are going to be issues, everyone is running around like crazy people and time flies by faster than blessings…but all that is to be expected so ii have, yet again, learned to deal with that. so, what is the problem?? the key word in youth day is YOUTH!!! so, someone tell me why the youth have no say so in whats going on. the songs the choir is singing, them. the attire for the day, them. the rehearsal days leading up to this day, them. every decision that could possibly be made is by….them. so why the heck am ii even involved. they do all the work and then we take the fall?? is that really how things are supposed to work. people that are not even in charge of youth ministry are making decisions when they should be worried about other stuff. stuff that we want to do is being denied for one reason or another…and for what?? this is why ii have problems. because people want to  shine their lights so damn bright that its blinding me. youth day is for the youth and that means that the decisions that are being made should be left in our hands. ii thought last year was bad but this right here is worse, simply because we have no say so in what is going on. ii dont like being told what to do, im not too good with that. even when ii dont get to sing what ii wanna sing, wear what ii wanna wear, do what ii wanna do, show up when ii wanna show up..ii am okay knowing that the decision was still made by the YOUTH and majority rules. last year, we had to wear white shirts and different color tops, did ii wanna wear that?? not at all. but ii wore it because we VOTED…[[the youth that is]] and that is what we came up with. no one was telling us what we had to put on. this year, someone decides they WANT the youth to get some t-shirts from lifeway. we have to go to someone, on our own to order which ones we want, we have to pay for the ones we want, AND THERE IS A LIL OVER A WEEK UNTIL YOUTH DAY GETS HERE. so guess who’s gonna be wearing t-shirts and khakis?? not Tanae’. why?? because ii want to do what ii want to do. guess who’s gonna be singing?? not Tanae’. why, because we have two rehearsals before next week and ii refuse to get up anywhere and embarrass myself. and guess who had a say so in anything that will be going on June 8, 2008?? not any of the youth….why not?? because SOMEONE wants to be in charge and run everything without consulting the youth, youth council members or anyone else that could possibly be involved in anything….II DO NOT AGREE && IF II WASN’T A ~CHANGED~ WOMAN OF GOD {{lmao}} II WOULD SERIOUSLY SIT IN THE PEW LIKE IT AINT NOTHING BUT A THANG BUT, IM GONNA BE obedient AND DO WHATS NECESSARY EVEN THO BEHIND MY SMILE IM GONNA HAVE A KILLER ATTITUDE!! please, please, please pray for SBC youth ministry.


Posted in cancer sucks, death, friends, life, life && death, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 27, 2008
ii was thinking the other day about the turn that my life has taken. some things are not good and some things are frickin awesome. either way, ii chose not to complain. this weekend has probably been the best in a long time. actually these past few weeks have been awesome. there has been so much stuff going on but seriously, at the end of the day ii have not a care in the world. the past week or so has been rather hectic but all is well. a few people have stepped out of line and we were forced to put them back in place. a few people have tested me in the worst way. a few people have even lied to me and then had the audacity to come to me for help when shit hit the fan. but on top of all that, ii have had more fun than anything. things ar slowly falling into place in my life. things are working the way that they should and ii am happy. some exciting things are coming up in the very near future and hopefully i’ll be around to tell of more great days but even if not, everything is awesome in my life so ii have no complaints. ii heart life. ii heart the L. ii heart my bestie. ii heart my goone. ii heart my shink. ii heart honey. ii heart life and everything in it…and that, my friends, IS THE BONUS!!! lmao
Rest In Peace Talia Marie Pleasant:: you are finally free from all pain hurt and sickness. ii know that you are up in heaven with God. you are a beautiful princess.

how ii feel right now at this very moment…

Posted in life by Tanae' A. on May 26, 2008
yes, that’s just how ii feel. ii just woke up from an intoxicating slumber and ii love it. you ever sleep for so long that you wake up wondering what really happened?? you feel like you dont know what was going on because you were out of it for so long. thats how ii feel after naps of this sort and ii love it. sleep is my escape, my release. it takes me out of self and places me in a world where thoughts can run free and just for a few hours ii can depart from the chaos and confusion around me. ii am addicted to this feeling. ii live for it. ii need it. nothing compares. iced caramel macchiatos aren’t even this wonderful and you know ii need my starbucks on the regular. right now, my mind is trying to catch up with the time and ii desperately want to get back into the bed. maybe the next time ii wake up, the gas prices will be below 3.50…doubt it?? being as tho that is what sent me into my euphoric state anyway. yes, ii am blaming my high on the gas. ii looked at the prices, then looked at the tank and all of a sudden felt the need for a fix and since starbucks wasnt anywhere to be found, ii was forced to go to my pillow for comfort. well, im not sure how long this high will last today, usually lingers for about an hour. but while its here ii might as well get something to eat.
have a wonderful memorial day and take a few minutes to really APPRECIATE the day off…its not just another day off work, there’s meaning behind it. so before you bite into a nice juicy turkey burger straight off the grill be sure to send a thanks up to those that have made this day so wonderful. talk to you all on tuesday.


Posted in decisions, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2008
ok, so yesterday was a crazy kinda day but ii got thru it in one piece and ii am so glad that it ended the way it did. right now, ii have a few decisions to make that could very well affect the rest of my life…haha, just kidding, it might affect next week but thats about it.
first decision:: it involves TroyBoy. he is most likely going to be moving out of state for a job. this is a good thing people. not only is he benefitting greatly from this opportunity but im also free!! lolzz. ii just feel so tied to him all the time, like im obligated to spend time with him and be around him. finally, there is a legitimate reason to excuse not spending time with him. so what is the decision?? am ii going to spend time with him before he leaves?? okay, first off, this dude is leaving and there is no telling when he is coming back so ii dont want to just hang out, if we hanging ii want to be pampered lmao. ii say this as if im the one moving lmao.but anyways, ii think im leaning more towards not hanging even tho ii know that would be so disrespectful.
second decision:: for my name’s sake ii am going to keep this one very simple. ii dont want anyone looking at me differently because of anything ii decide to do. ii really am a good girl lolzz. ok, the idiot in ohio used to be really good friends with a certain person before me and him even thought about dating. they are not friends anymore, prob haven’t seen each other in over a year. just recently me and this certain person kinda became really good friends, we have a lot in common and we talk a lot about random things which is really stupid lol. but anyways, the past few weeks the conversations have kinda taken a turn. needless to say that both of us are in the same situation as far as relationships are concerned. but, the issue comes, what if the idiot in ohio finds out about us?? thats so disrespectful first of all and second of all ii would be uncomfortable around him knowing that im giving his ex-friend something that belongs to him. so now ii have to think about what ii want to happen with cp even tho we both know it would be nothing more than a summer fling. uurrgghh.
third decision:: what am ii wearing tonite?? ok, ii thought ii had something to wear and then ii tried it on last night and hated it so now ii have to go to the mall after work to find a top to put on. and the fact that its forty degrees in the middle of may is not helping me out at all.  ::sigh::

and ii know for a fact::

Posted in life, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
when something is meant to be it will happen but until that day arrives all ii can do is wait. im okay. for now ii am. im content. ii can wait in line and see what happens. for right now i’ll pump my brakes and just chill out for a while.

my take on relationships and marriage

Posted in commitment, love, marriage, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
ii have never ever been the relationship type. it has just never been for me. my longest, most stable relationship started when ii was in 6th grade and we were only allowed to see each other monday thru friday for the fifteen minutes that were in between classes. such a wonderful relationship i tell ya. lolzz. anyways, we were pretty much together until the 11th grade and even then the time that we spent together was limited. ii guess ii just love my space. by the time ii got to college ii started dating that idiot and when he was home we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY together but that month or two of every single day was also interrupted by three months of never so ii didnt really mind the constant company. but, even before the idiot came along ii was never the type to want people all up my azz. give me space, let me breathe. we can be friends but ii hate being tied up to one person. perhaps that is why the thought of marriage just annoys me so bad. living with someone and having to see them every single day is not something that ii think ii would like UNLESS THERE WERE CERTAIN EXCEPTIONS. granted, ii do think that one day ii will be married and begin a family but ii want things to work under my conditions. ii want a happy family and ii dont think that people stay happy together after fifty years but ii want to change the game. ii guess we can focus on the relationship part of it first so that you have a greater understanding of the whole marriage thing. most people reading this def. wont agree but oh well, it is what it is.
let me state for the record, ii believe in complete honesty but not monogamy. out of the three relationships that ii have been in, all but one of those consisted of another female being brought into the equation. the first time ii was okay and the second time ii was devastated. the first was with my first ex whome ii loved with every little teenaged bone in my body. but, he told me while we were still together that he was talking to another chick and he wanted to get to know her better. what was my response?? well, there was only one question and one request. do you want to be with me?? yes. and if so dont allow her to take away from the time that ii get which is really not that much being as tho ii feel no need to be around you 24/7. and with that ii was okay. ii knew that there was another chick, ii didnt want to know who she was. ii didnt care that there was another chick because ii was still number one. and when ii felt like ii was no longer number one ii ended the relationship and he finally told me who she was. after that they eventually got together and ii was not upset in the least bit. it was okay. now, the second time that someone cheated ii was deeply hurt, not by the act of sex but by his betrayal. before anything, we were friends, we told each other everything so thats why ii had such a hard time figuring out why on earth he wouldnt tell me that he was involved with someone else. ii would not have cared. ii mean, he was in another state for forever without me so ii would have gladly accepted it for what it was. but, ii had to find out from someone else and therefore ii was hurt by the way he handled the situation. well, this raises a question…have ii ever cheated?? not really. now, in my eyes, ii have only been cheated on once. think of it like this:: its stealing if you dont ask, if you do ask its borrowing. its not cheating if you tell me but when you go behind my back its cheating. so with that said, no ii have never cheated on anyone. ii have, however, decided to pursue other persons while in relationship [[that sounds halfway decent lolzz]] but, he looks at it as cheating because he didnt agree. ii told him what it was, ii like him, ii wanna get to know him. of course, the first question asked is “when you say get to know him does that include sexually??” well, yeah. duh. anyways, ii let him know, either you gonna stay with me or you gonna walk away. he chose to stay. do ii blame him?? no. ii assured him that even after ii “get to know” this other person ii would still be with him in the end and ii kept my word. unfortunately, he stayed with me because he didnt want to lose me and he thought that if he stayed ii would change my mind about the other dude. eventually he walked away [[he came back tho]] because he couldnt deal with the thought of me being with any other dudes. well that sounds like a personal problem. ii am no hoe, no sex crazed fanatic and ii def dont go around just sharing my goods with everybody but ii have a lot of male friends that ii like to talk to and associate with. are all these dudes getting any?? hell no. but ii am still very honest with everyone that ii talk to and perhaps that is why no one stays. ii refuse to be tied down to one person. ii can do the relationship thing but ii want my space. ii want to be able to do what ii want to do, when ii want to do it, and with who ii want to do it with. if you are a good enough person to make it to my top spot then there is no other dude that is going to come before you so ii dont know why dudes be tripin. the question was raised the other day, how would ii feel if my “boyfriend” was messing with another chick. let me make it plain for you, ii dont care. if ii hold the top spot ii know that no chick is going to take my crown and if they do then obviously the crown was plastic from the start. no biggie, just be honest enough to let me know that there is another chick and be smart enough to keep your priorities in order.
now, the big m word. ii really dont want to get married. ii feel like, if im going to spend the rest of my life with you ii dont need to waste all that money doing it. and ii dont want a marriage because so many people have so many rules as to what marriage is supposed to be. marriage is supposed to last, no matter who you marry, it is supposed to last and so you do what it takes to make it last. the woman getting a divorce cant talk about me bringing someone else into my bedroom in order to keep my marriage alive…feel me?? prob not. but the point is… marriages fail today because everyone wants it to be this fairy tale. every one thinks that after fifty years of looking at the same person you wont want anything different. well hello, we are human. either yall gonna agree to step outside the box or yall gonna get a divorce because you catch him in bed with ya next door neighbor. and ill be damned if my marriage is going to be flushed down the toilet just because ii want to act honkey dorey and act like ii dont want something other than what my man has to offer. monogamy is so like…whatever. in my opinion, marriages last when two people love each other. thats it. and as far as im concerned ii can love you while you sleep in a guest room because some nights ii want to stretch out in my own damn bed BY MYSELF… im just saying, if im gonna be married or in a serious relationship then ii want it to be on my terms. commitment is about honesty and loyalty…ii want that. now, the problem would be finding someone who wants the same thing ii want. hhmmm, not too  many men like that in the world. they all wanna cheat and then have the woman all to themselves…lolzz
i’ll say now… sorry if ii offended anyone. if you are in a serious relationship or a marriage and you make it work then more power to you, way to go. but ii just think it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay with someone for the rest of your life and never be with another person. if you are able to do it, ii commend you but ii would suggest a week’s vacation every once in a while for your stuffy life. everyone wants to be single from time to time.

dont be consumed

Posted in friends, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
in the wonderful world of Loserville sits :yang::yang: being consumed. the funny thing is that we are both in the same situation but on opposite sides of the spectrum. the only difference is, he’s wishing she was more like me and im wishing that the other dummy was more like him. crazy right?? same exact situation and somehow we manage to pull each other thru with our disrespectful words and ridiculous tactics. it works tho. well anyways, rather than being consumed by the reality that ii cant change ii have chosen to enjoy my time and have as much fun as possible in order to not think about the truth that has somehow landed right before my eyes. but, he decides to sulk and be sad and distraught over what he cant change. he claims he needs to do something so that he wont be consumed but sitting in a house ALL SUMMER LONG will not help you. DuH. so come with me, lets go out, party, drink, make memories and forget about everything that is going on bad. let us act as if we have no cares in the world, at least until winter threatens to knock on our doors. why be consumed?? ii say, forget reality for a lil while and lets HAVE FUN because thinking about what could have and should have been is not fun. im giving him his time, a week tops, to get it together and then after that he is going to be right by my side living it up… i mean we are :yang::yang: for goodness sake. lol