[{GRaViTY}]

towards the end

Posted in decisions, family, friends, G-D, life, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 24, 2008
There are certain people in my life whose opinion I really kinda value. Not necessarily because of the positions that they hold but moreso because of the role that they have played in my life and continue to play. I tend to take a lot of people’s feelings into consideration when it comes to doing things in my life even if it means completely going against what it is that I want to do. Needless to say, usually I end up wondering what would have or could have happened if I would have just went with my heart. So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m going with my heart. I’m looking to God for guidance and I’m doing what’s right for me. Right now I’m on a journey to be something better. A journey that will open doors for me in the long run. It’s hard and every day I think about backing out but what is the alternative. Why continue to stay in the position that you are on because of fear or uncertainty?? While I’m scared and uncertain about whats to come I’m more excited about anything. I’m excited that I have a new life ahead of me. I’m excited that I am going on to do great and wonderful things and if no one else is proud of me I know that I am proud of me. I’m proud of the step that I have chosen to take and I am proud of the things that I have yet to accomplish. The closer that I get to the end of the countdown, the more excited I get. The more confident I become. The more sure of my decision I am. I am praying more now than EVER and truely making sure that God is in my corner but for now I’m just taking things one day at a time. There’s a lot going on in my life right now but it’s all good things that will benefit me in the long run. I’m finding stability in every single aspect of my life and it feels really good. I have something there. Something guaranteed. Something to fall back on and I love it. I love this life. I love the people in my life. And more that anything I love the discomfort because when you are too comfortable that means that something is not right. I’m moving forward and doing great things. Eventually, probably towards the end of this journey, I will let you all know what exactly is going on but for now…just keep me in your prayers.
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happy.sad.kinda glad.

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 18, 2008
today muh almost favorite goonie, KRiS, is coming down and ii am so so so excited. ii havent seen her in too long and we can finally have a REAL gurls night with ALL the chix. and muh goonies, JesSA, is celebrating her birthday on tuesday. ii know its so unethical to party on a tuesday night but we are going to p a R T y ! ! ! !
my lil cuzzo Sedi and their fam is going thru. the next few days are going to be hard for them but more hard on her than anyone. she’ll be okay tho. she just has to remember to trust GoD thru it all. ii know how much Jasmine meant to her. she was more than just a pet, she was a part of their family and she will be missed. Love You Miss Moo Moo lol.
my lil sis Dre is going thru right now too. she’s tryin to put on her gangsta face but ii know she’s afraid of what the outcome is going to be. ii think she feels okay knowing that she has us there to support her no matter what. she’s gonna be alright…ii believe that.
there’s a chik that ii lovezz with ALL my heart. her name is Crystal. a few years ago we became really close thru a ministry that we were trying to start. Crystal is strong. she can make it thru anything even when she thinks she cant. im praying for her. not that she gets thru, because ii know that God is already bringing her thru, but im praying that she holds on to that strength and more than that im praying that ii may be a help to her during this time.
TroyBoy ::sigh:: ii wish ii could just leave it at that. TroyBoy is leaving me. he is going to VA for a job and part of me is happy. part of me is sad. part of me just doesn’t care. happy:: because its something good for him. a new start and a clean get-away from all the craziness here. sad:: because he’s not here in b-more. so its not that simple on days that ii want to see him to just say come over lets chill. indifferent:: because we are both at a point in our lives where we are pretty much going our own seperate ways. if he were to stay in b-more ii would be leaving him behind and if ii were to stay where ii am he would be leaving me. but we both are moving forward with life and maybe one day shit will follow thru but for now we just trying to live life the best way that we can. the other day he pretty much poured his heart out to me. i’ve known how hes felt about me for some time now but when you hear the words its somehow different. ii didnt know how to tell him that ii love him too. ii didnt know how to tell him that somewhere in my heart is a space for him. maybe one day ill be able to tell him that but for now im okay with how things are.
ii talked to LeyLey the other day….so how did that go?? fairly well. how do ii feel about it?? okay ii suppose. will it happen again?? no. ii told her that she can call me before ii leave and that ii would answer just for her but if she just so happens not to call… ii wont be seeing her or talking to her EVER again and honestly…thats a relief to me. it hurts of course but ii feel good about it. ii feel that same relief for that one other person whose name ii refuse to speak out loud. ii feel like for so long ii was the one being left behind but now im not. now im the one doing the leaving and sooner or later that is going to sink in. and when it does. ill be long gone. damn.that feels super good lmao.
last thing and then im done. Nas has a new cd out as of last week. DO NOT SLEEP ON NAS. seriously. that dude is dope boy fresh. he is hottness. straight up…NAS IS A BEAST!!! cop his cd. you have got to hear it. put the carter three to the side for just a minute and let that Nas just rotate a lil bit. see if it aint realness.

we live here…you & me.

Posted in death, family, friends, im so over it, lost one, people I love by Tanae' A. on July 15, 2008
right now ii am upset. enraged. mad. because of the world that we live in. can we really not go outside in the street without being scared for our lives?? can we really not step into a club or party without getting shot up or beat down?? is this really our reality?? we live here. this is where we call home. some friends of mine lost their cousin on sunday night. he was at a party. enjoying his self. having fun. at the end of the night he wasn’t breathing. ii didnt know him. i’ve seen him before but ii couldn’t point him out in a crowd if someone paid me. but ii know his family. ii know his cousins and his friends. ii know the people that are hurt over his death. ii know that this is not a place that ii want to live. ii know that ii dont want to call this home if people are losing their lives ridiculously. ii know that this is not the place that ii want to have children because im scared that their lives will be in danger every time they walk out of the door.
Tyrelle, Kashay, Ryeisha and family…keep yall heads up. everything happens for a reason and God wont give you more than you can handle. you too Te and Jon, im here if you need me
Rest In Peace Tariq Alston 07/13/08

fam[ily]

Posted in family, life, people I love by Tanae' A. on July 11, 2008
there’s a lot of ppl in my family that im not really close with. the family that is close is tighter than spandex but everyone else is kinda just…there. one of my uncles lives in atlanta and ii lovezz him to death but ii cant even remember the last time ii saw him. he was raised by my great uncle so he has always been kinda like over there to me. but, ii look forward to the days ii can see him which is not too often. one thing that ii realized…no matter where ppl are, how close you are to them or what role they play in your life…family is family. whether they are in atlanta, ohio or south carolina…they are family. whether ii saw them when ii was eight or eighteen…they are still family. and right now family is hurt. this morning we lost my great uncle [[the one who raised the uncle in atlanta]]…he had been sick for a while and ii never really was affected by his illness. ii knew that he was sick and the main reason why ii cared was simply because ii knew that my uncle and grandmother would be heartbroken if anything ever happened to him. well…right now ii feel like being around family just because you never know when its gonna be someone’s time to go. and although ii didnt know my great uncle very well ii have tremendous love for him because he came thru for my grandmother in her time of need. family is love…appreciate them while they’re here.
Rest In Peace Uncle Warren 07-11-08

fat.thumb.issues

Posted in church, decisions, family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 23, 2008
yesterday was probably the FUNNIEST most ANNOYING day EVER!!! after early service we decided to take a trip to Burger King to get some breakfast. there was only two cars in front of us so we were thinking that the wait wouldnt be long at all…NOT. first off, the manager was so damn disrespectful it was ridiculous. ii was tryna piss her off so ii ordered a whole bunch of food that nobody really wanted. it really worked too cause she was heated by the time we drove around to the second window lmao. but ii guess karma is a big headed b. cause we ended up waiting for 40 minutes just to get our food. thanks to the lady with the family van who decided to order eight hundred meals for all her kids. but. by the time 10:30 hit we knew we had to get back to the church in 15 minutes or else SOMEONE would be in trouble. we got our food at 10:30 and ii literally sped up North Point just to get there in time. needless to say that there are people that actually drive the speed limit and those people slowed me down so we didnt get there til 10:47 and that was two minutes too late. anyways…ii ate ALL THE FOOD like a big fattie and it was delicious lolzz.
 then. after second service me and Shay goes home to eat some crabs. we eating them and ii get to the second to last one and then the inevitable happens… fricking claw clawed me. stuck me right in my damn thumb. im telling ya.it hurt like crap. and the seasoning only made it burn more but ii kept eating my crabs lol. ii didnt really realize until last night that it really is swollen a little bit and now ii have a fat thumb that really starts to hurt when ii squeeze it lmao.
ii am actually irritated for a number of reasons. at first ii was upset with my mother but then ii talked to someone who could better explain things so now im cool with her. ii understand her for like once in life and im gonna allow her to sulk for a while. she’ll come around eventually. now….the REAL reason for my irritation is money… well of course it is. thats the only thing that irritates me. well. ii am going to be really honest right now about the plans that got crushed. this weekend is our annual PCIF conference. of course.last year ii was so not excited about this but this year it is what it is. BUT.ii called myself trying to beat the system and get around paying but FOR SOME REASON they aren’t doing things the same as last year so I HAVE TO PAY THE REGISTRATION FEE and do you know what this means?? ii refuse to stay in a hotel room. that would be 200 dollars out of my pocket that ii could spend on like THE FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR GAS or something like that. so.this weekend ii am going to be taking Chelley to the banquet on Friday night and ill prob shill out by the bool or something until that is over with. then ill drive ALL THE WAY home to get a good nights sleep. then on saturday ill DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK for whatever is going on that day. ii figured that an extra round trip is not going to cost me 129 dollars in gas…maybe around 40 tops. so ii am actually SAVING MONEY…hey.it feels damn good lmao. so…thats my issue for this weekend. oh.and ii have three days until Thursday gets here and ii am ssoo excited. you’ll find out sooner or later whats going on but for now just know that ii am excited about it. and EVERYONE knows that ii HATE thursdays with a passion but this Thursday is going to be a good effin day. lmao. ii hope so at least. keep praying for me and all my issues lmao.
other than all the fat.thumb.issues muh life is great. ii am realizing more and more each day that ii gots the best friends.fam.support that ANYONE could EVER ask for so ii know that ii am blessed and ii wouldnt trade ANY of them in for the world.

uugghh:: exhaustion

Posted in family, friends, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 20, 2008
it has been a very long. fun. interesting. great week. im glad that it is almost over. ii am tired and sleepy and just plain exhausted and right now im really irritated. why?? ii dont have my credit card on me and ii need it to pay this stupid stupid bill. uugghh. the stresses. then. stupid sister of mines decides to call me to babysit this morning. ii asked her for a few dollars and she said she didnt have it. ii dont really need it but thats not the point at all. FIVE MINUTES LATER…she says she wants to get crabs. but yet you dont have money. something aint right with that. but ii aint bugging cause ii wasn’t gonna watch him anyways. today:: grlzz night. so excited lolzz. ii was hoping that my papa got off work early so we could chill over there later but we’ll see what happens. ii just really want to hang out and chill or something. nothing big. spades would be awesome tonight…we can save all the fun for tomorrow lol. ok. how bout. ii am soo fricking pissed that ii have to register for this stupid stupid conference and its not even like ii can just not go cause ii have stuff to do there. idk. ima find a way around paying cause ii aint tryna pay for no registration and a hotel room. yes. im being cheap right now. but just the thought of this long weekend is making me tired. ::yawn::.. and someone tell me why ii am continuously losing weight…idk whats wrong with that picture but my doctor suggested that ii work out just so ii can be sure that ii am in shape. ii figured ill prob start working out in the next few weeks. ii was gonna do a gym membership but ii aint tryna pay for that so ii might just start running or something in the morning. that should be good for me. we’ll see how that goes lol. well. im bout to go get breakfast and then start on this work…uugghh…going to starbucks too so you know im happy lmao. ii want a passion tea lemonade..hhmmm delicious. haha buh-bye and have a GREAT weekend. 

yes.ii love it.

Posted in church, family, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 9, 2008
so.as you can see. ii made thru this slave heat weekend in one piece.and ii must say that it was pretty good too. youth day was a super success and altho ii was stressed all day running around between dances and choir stands ii was very much pleased. everything went so super well and ii am happy. ii must say for the record that french fry lady is off the hook.ii only call her french fry lady because ii dont know her name and she preached about french fries at our youth day last year. ii guess now im gonna have to start calling her pearl gurl.lmao. that lady can preach her tail off.
about the whipped cream.lmao. saturday we were watching movies and ii went to find a soda in the fridge and BEHOLD there goes whipped cream.lol.sorry.it just made me happy. ii dropped the soda ii was so excited.right there next to the orange soda was the hi-light of my evening and ii was super excited today cause ii got a frapp with EXTRA whipped cream and caramel sauce…how hott is that?? yes.ii lovezz me some whipped cream.ii think ii might have to buy myself some for safe keeping.lol
ii misses muh best friend…it is senior week and my bestie and goone are in o.c. living it up. they are not coming back til sunday and ii need her to be here cause ii have so much to tell her. omg.yes ii need her this week lol. but good thing is that after this week is over everything will go back to normal and ii will FINALLY have my goone with me.now, im looking forward to that.
tryna be in the Zone. yes.ii am being a lil bit greedy but ii figured that deep down inside this is called rational thinking.lmao. ii want more money. being as tho ii just got promoted ii have more money but still, ii want more money than that.lol. so, what do we do?? we get a pt job. yes.ii know ive tried this before and it didnt work too well for me but understand the determination. ii cannot continue to have my afternoons free because then ii end up getting into trouble. ii know that summer is all about money and fun but the more busy ii am the less mess ii can get into and then ill have even more fun online SHOPPING when that cool check come in. naw.but seriously. ive put a lot of thought into it and im tryna be in there so im keeping my fingers crossed so that ii can occupy my time a lil better. and ii def have to get the finances together so that ii can get my stuff together for school in the fall…so looking forward to that. so everyone pray that ii get this pt and you may can even squeeze a dollar or two outta me lmao.
last but not least.the hi-light of my whole weekend. ok.let me not lie. it really wasnt the hi-light but it meant a lot to me. ii talked to my best friend.brudder.cousin phil. yes.he called me. of course, it has been forever since we’ve talked because of all the number switches and what not but the other night he called me and ii was secretly happy cause ii misses him so much. ii am kinda sad tho because things arent the same with so much space between us.he aint the same phil that he was when he was here and ii wish he would come back so that ii can keep tabs on him and make sure he aint being dumb. but oh well.ii still lovezz him to death and thats the only dude that ii bangs wit heavy.
hope your weekends.were as good as mine.even in all this heat.oh yeah.shout out to my big cousin:: PASTOR james e. lemon jones. proud of you baby.

healer….thats what HE is

Posted in family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 6, 2008
for some reason right now, ALL my gurliezz are going thru their own struggles. they all need someone to lean on, someone to understand, and some God to heal. all their issues are different, all their needs are diverse, but their hurt is all the same. and here ii am, sitting here trying to be strong for all them because reality is, im just on chills. everything is going great on my end. im getting blessings galore and maybe that lil thing a week ago that seemed so weird at the time was just God preparing me for this week’s problems. today im trying my hardest to be there for all of them and most would find that to be impossible but ii can do it. things work themselves out. and just like ii told them all, God heals all broken hearts, all wounded spirits and all troubled minds. ii pray for each of their situations, ii pray that they keep the faith and ii pray that God does a work even now. ii dont know what tomorrow is going to bring but ii know that those girls have each other to lean on… they got some chix that are there for them no matter what. and even if all we have to offer is a shoulder to cry on then so be it. ii trust Him to heal all hurt, calm all spirits and bring peace to every mind. ii trust Him. He’s gonna do it, He’s gonna have His way and He’s gonna have each and every one of them stronger because of what they have had to endure. pray for my gurlzz…pray for their families…pray for every single person that they come in contact with in the days to come. pray that they remain strong through it all and when all else fails, pray that they have what it takes to call on the name of JESUS when they have no one else to call. ii love those gurls, all of them…from the bestie all the way down to the cunt…ii love them all and ii know that they’ll ALL  be okay.

history in the making

Posted in Barack Obama, be the change, family, life, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 5, 2008
ii am proud right now just knowing that ii am experiencing history taking place. Barack Obama has made me proud and even if he does not take his rightful place in the white house ii am still proud to be an American citizen. He has broken barriers and set records that no one else has been able to set. He is the first BLACK MAN to get this far in the presidential elections and ii am proud of that. ii pray he makes it all the way but for right now ii am happy to say that ii have a front row seat of history in the making. shaback hallelujah BARACK praise the Lord…lolzz, ii stole that from someone but sshhh thats our little secret.
oh, please please please be in prayer for my extended family, just pray that they are strengthened and keep the faith during everything that they have to go thru, today, tomorrow or years from now.

my {{possible}} departure

Posted in decisions, family by Tanae' A. on June 4, 2008
ii guess you cant stay anywhere forever. after while you must move on and venture off to other places. finally, im ready to do that. i’ll never forget my ‘family’ and i’ll always be back to that place ii call ‘home’ but it’s time to move on. maybe one day i’ll be back…return back to the place that ii thought ii was supposed to be and maybe one day ill just be considered another visitor but either way, i’m leaving soon enough. when stuff like this happens ii think back to my first ‘home’ and ii was sad to go but at the end of the day ii knew that ii had made the right choice and even still ii know that ii can always go back there and feel like ii belong and know that i’ll alwyas be considered ‘family’ no matter what. ii dont know yet tho. ii feel like its time to move on tho.