Life Without a Father

Posted in back to the past, decisions, family, father, healing, him, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 16, 2007

The other day I was having a conversation with someone about life without a father and the affect it has had on me. Because that isn’t something that I really take time out to think about, I had to take a lil while to get my responses together. Whn I first thought about it automatically said that my growing up without a father really didnt have a serious impact on the person I grew up to be. I lied.

When I really think about it, I know that being raised by my mother only has had an affect on me that I wouldn’t name totally negative. Because I know what it’s like to grow up without a father I purpose to be in a long healthy stable relationship [hopefully married] before I even consider having kids. Although my mom took very good care of me and my sisters, I watched her struggle for too many years just trying to keep food on the table. We managed but I never want to be put in a situation where I am forced to care for my kids on my own.

One thing that I’ve also noticed is the way I interact with persons of the opposite sex. I am very careful about who I let into my circle. A lot of times I hear people say that girls who have grown out without a father figure will gravitate towards guys cause they are in search of that love they never got. I think I am the total opposite… I am in search of that type of love but at the same time I know that everyone cant give that genuine love that a father can give. I am very adamant about who I let love me or who I give my heart to and a lot of people say thats a bad thing but I really disagree.

I do not totally push love away but I dont trust peoplw with my feelings because thats a serious way to get hurt along the line. I refuse to be hurt and heart broken a million and one times on my way to finding true love. A fathers love cant be given to me from anyone no matter what. There is no one that can fill the shoes of a daddy at this point in my life so I realize that there’s no point in searching for that type of love. The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.

My mom used to always say that out of me and my sister, I took not having a father the hardest. I think that’s true. I took all my anger out on my mother causing us to have a very rocky relationship. My sister is totally different than me. She’s not quick to love but at the same time she doesn’t push love away and when she does love its easy for her to walk away without a big fuss. Now me, on the other hand, If I love you…it’s gonna take 27 men to pull me away and change my heart cause I dont fall in love quick and I dont know how to fall out of love.

A lot of times I try to think about who I would be if I did have my father around and I honestly dont think I wanna know. I like who I turned out to be. I like the fact that I had to struggle to get to where I am. I like the fact that I had to endure some hurt and pain cause now I am stronger because of it. I’m happy to say that a lil while ago me and mom did have a terrible relationship and today I am happy because more than anything, today I can call her my friend. So living without a father didnt turn out to be so bad after all. Am I affected by it today? Yeah I am. But I live everyday knowing that I wouldn’t pay anyone to let me start over again differently. And the only thing that saddens me, is knowing that I’ll walking down an aisle one day all alone. Oh Well!!

13 Responses

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  1. bethan said, on February 17, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    hey i have just had a letter from my dad who walked out on me when i was 3, i dont know what to reply or even if to reply. Do you have any advise?
    Any advise will be greatly appreciated Thank you

    • Alexa said, on December 19, 2009 at 1:55 am

      hey, answer him. I wish I had someone who to answer to..who to send a letter too. U have nothing to loose..

  2. Tanae said, on February 18, 2008 at 1:45 am

    if you want him in your life than I suggest you reply… its up to you tho babes

  3. lwayswright said, on June 24, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    I grew up with a dad…and I still have man issues. Sometimes I think there are a lot of things that go into how we relate to the opposite sex. I think it would have been hard without my dad around. I totally admire women like you who take what they learned from life and use it for positive!

  4. Sid said, on July 17, 2008 at 9:32 pm

    I thank you for this read.. i can see myself in your position.
    best wishes.

  5. Kat said, on June 3, 2009 at 12:01 am

    I am very sorry that you grew up without a dad…… I don’t know what I would do without my daddy!!! Im sorry you didn’t feel the unconditional love that I have. I want to thank you for posting this site and this information. This is really going to help me…

    • Alexa said, on December 19, 2009 at 1:58 am

      I envy u so much, I live a big jealousy when I see girls with fathers…I can t describe u how jealous I am everytime about it. But at least u r happy. and that s fine for u . the best

  6. sparkerx said, on October 3, 2009 at 1:08 am

    And how has your life progressed since you wrote this?

    • Tanae' A. said, on October 5, 2009 at 11:55 pm

      wonderful… ii actually just got to a point where ii am finally over the effect that not having a father has had on me.

  7. Hmm.. said, on October 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Im currently having some big problem in my family..

    My dad currently got infected to a liver cancer..
    And he got a 3-months left..
    and this three months were due from august..
    And now is october..

    So i Guess i have only one month left..
    However all my family are believing that MIRACLE will happen..
    so we all never talk of how many time we left..

    I am not so sad or either happy about this..
    but i wonder what i should do when he’s gone or either how am i supposed to live this life when he’s gone..
    I always think that he’ll be there for me always ..

    I dont really know what im supposed to do now..
    I don’t want to regret ..

    Just to express how i feel now..
    (sorry im foreigner,my mothertongue isn’t english.. im neither good in eng)

  8. Kayla said, on January 23, 2010 at 4:09 am

    I lived 18 years without knowing who my father was. Last year, the day after new year, I found my father’s sister online and she contacted him and gave him my number. I was so scared because i always believed he did not want me in his life. We spent hours a day talking to each other. It was my senior year at the time, and i was so happy because i realized my wish was going to come true, to have him with my mother and my family at my graduation. I was only able to talk to him for 6 months and he had a heart attack. My first father’s day i lost him. I was devastated because after all the years that i waited wanting to meet him and doing what ever to find him, he left me within 6 months dieing on father’s day. It was 4 days before my graduation. I felt sadness I never want to feel again because the one thing i wanted most, god took him away from me. I tell people that they should cherish the moments that they have with their father’s and never take them for granted because you never know when they will have to leave forever. If you have the chance to meet or talk to your father, take that chance. You really have nothing to lose. You went this long without him, so even if he said he didn’t want you in his life you still have others that will always love you. It might be hard at first and heartbreaking. But never miss an opportunity that you can talk to your father or meet him for the first time. I was only able to talk to my father through the phone because he lived in Alabama and I live in New York. I was supposed to meet him for the first time the summer after graduation, but he passed before i could. I still cry to this day, but i cherish every moment i was able to talk to him. Even though he is gone I still have a part of him with me now. I also keep in touch with my aunts and the rest of his family. I plan on meeting them for the first time this summer. I guess all i am trying to say is if you have the opportunity to meet your father, MEET HIM!!!!, because you never know, something beautiful might come out of it. If you haven’t found your father, keep looking. god bless to everyone.

  9. sinnyg said, on July 18, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Hi, I am growing up without a father at the moment. Like he walked out on my mom when I was 8 and now I’m a 16 year old boy living with my mom and my sister. I do still keep in contact with him, email and such like although he lives 7,000 miles away in a different country, so I only get to see him a couple of times a year if I’m lucky. I just got back from a camp and my mom told me that he is coming to the UK and to keep the 1st September free because he is getting re-married then. I see how I could view the stuff that I feel in a positive way, but I never do. I always turn it on its neative side. I always blame myself and stuff. Like I just feel so useless and I don’t know what to do. Like I’ve slit my wrists and got massively drunk because I just want to feel the pain I deserve and now I just dont know what to do. I suppose its like a triger – when my best mate talks about how her dad did this for her, and then how my other friend is like “me and my dad are going fishing” and its just like…. what did I do wrong for him to walk out on me? x

  10. Harley said, on July 20, 2010 at 12:22 am

    “The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.”

    This is perhaps the hardest part of growing up without a dad… and this is the mistake most women make. They ignore the little girl desperately wanting a father. That little girl will be searching the rest of your life unless you find A) a father-like figure (not a boyfriend btw) or B) God.

    One cannot ignore that little girls ache, that’s the biggest mistake of all.

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