[{GRaViTY}]

slowly dying

Posted in death, health, help me!!, him by Tanae' A. on April 21, 2008
ii think everyday that ii go thru this shit hurts worse. how can he chose her over me?? what is so special about her?? nothing. there cant be anything so wonderful about her. she cant be right for him so why is he with her?? it didn’t bother me when ii first found out, ii was okay. but now, ii dont know what the problem is. ii guess everyday that he spends with her is another step he’s taking away from me. ii no longer have his heart. im no longer the one that he wants and as much as it kills me to admit that to myself i have to do it. ii dont know where to go from here, there is no one else in this entire world that ii would rather be with so what else is there to do??

 

and to add insult to injury my frickin head will not stop hurting. there’s this pressure in the back of my head that wont go away. at first it just appeared after some type of exercise or activity but its been there now for two days and will not budge. it doesn’t really hurt and if ii dont pay any attention to it ii even forget its there but its annoying. whatever it is thats wrong is making me tired, ii feel sluggish and dont feel like doing anything. ii was going to call my doctor today but ii decided not to. ii hate going to doctors. if it gets any worse i’ll make an appointment but if not ii suppose ill be okay.

 

ii just dont feel like dealing with whatever is not right. when it’s my time to go, there aint no stopping it so all the extra is so unnecessary. we’ll see what happens in the very near future and take it from there. in the meantime, keep me [[and my health]] in your prayers.
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a feeling i’ve felt

Posted in acceptance, blessings, him, life, lost one, love, memories, relationships, Tae', thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 27, 2008
yesterday ii was thinking about my life and future and all the things that ii want to happen in my life. ii took time to think about the things that ii have had the opportunity to experience, live thru and struggle with. when ii thought about it ii realized that ii am blessed. not because ii made it to where ii am or because ii have so many great things to look forward to but ii am blessed simply because ii have had the opportunity to experience what some people never have the chance to live thru. one of my really good friends said to me yesterday that most of the people in the world are on a search for REAL LOVE… almost everyone is either on a quest to find love or looking for the love they let go. when she said that, ii couldnt help but wonder which one was better?? looking for a love that you’ve never had or looking for a love that you let go. well, ii fit into one of those categories and perhaps my opinion is slightly biased but ii would have to say it is much better to look for a love you lost.
let me explain::
ii know what it is to experience true love. ii know what that feels like. ii know what its like to have someone take complete control of your heart and soul. the love that ii had was real and no one can tell me any different. when he touched me, held me, talked to me, let me lay on his shoulder, played in my hair, laughed at my jokes, sung with me, wrote me love letters, looked in my eyes…it was real. when he said he loved me, it was real and ii never ever questioned that. ii had the chance to feel that feeling that most people search a lifetime for. so, yeah, ii would much rather live trying to get that feeling back than to live without knowing what that feels like. and even if ii never feel that love again ii know in my heart that God found enough favor in me to allow me to know what its like to love and be loved. and because of that, ii have no problems if ii never feel that feeling again.

ii miss him…

Posted in Easter/Passion Week, him, love, people I love, school, tomorrow, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 17, 2008
it’s almost easter and usually ii am excited about this time of the year. ii mean, ii am excited and over joyed because easter is my fav holiday just because of the sacrifice that was made on my behalf but, ii usually have more than one thing to celebrate. easter is one of those times when all the college kids come home for at least a week. the L will be home wednesday, KayBear is missing easter but she is coming next week and ii am excited to see both of them. but, my honey is not coming around. he decided to go out for spring break so him and his friends are somewhere having a great time and ii am secretly upset about it. ii was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him but my plans have gone down the drain. right now, ii miss him soo much. ii dunno, the semester will be over in a lil bit so perhaps thats something worth looking forward to but who knows. im just gonna try to enjoy this glorious PASSION WEEK and stay focused on the real meaning behind this time of celebration. tomorrow will take care of itself and maybe ill see him soon enough…until then, im missing my honey oh so much.

fatal attraction

Posted in him, life, men by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
Has there ever been that one person that you just want. You walk into a room and they’re the only person you see. Being around them is like so chill and you dont even care what else is going on. They can be across the room and you two look at each other and bust out laughing for no reason. There’s like this unspoken secret that no one else knows about except you two. We like each other but we must stand at this distance knowing that we are both wrong for feeling what we do but also knowing that in our minds it doesnt matter. Its nothing more than a fatal attraction. Something deadly and not to be messed with because in the end someone will be hurt. And besides, once we give in it wont be anything there. So we just keep this secret alive and between ourselves. He’s my fatal attraction…
The sad thing is that there’s not just one. There’s two fatal attractions. I think its just something about them. They are so much alike. Everyone thinks they’re quiet but they are really nothing but big clowns. They talk about their friends and do stupid things. They are always doing something stupid but they are the realest ever. They say some dumb stuff but when it comes down to it they can carry an intellectual conversation. And they have these smiles that light up a whole room and big ol noses perfect to talk about. Their laughs are almost identical and its crazy cause its nothing loud but more like this lil chuckle that comes from somewhere down in the bottom of their throat. They dress nothing alike but neither of them ever steps out without looking right. And the thing that kills me, the big shabang… when they put their hands in their pockets and lean against a wall ~ OMG!!! One of them does this thing where he’ll be talking and then he’ll stop and look at me and turn real quick so no one notices. Then he’ll bust out laughing cause we both know how ridiculous he looked. The other one will look at me out the corner of his eye, or he’ll sit behind someone and look at me from over their shoulder at me then make some funny face to have me laughing. Its crazy tho. Two good guys, one scarred by life and the other scarred by a chick. But, oh well. Such is life.
drowning in my fatal attraction

i just want him to know…

Posted in friends, him by Tanae' A. on January 30, 2008
I look at you and I see this strong black man who stands up for what he believes. But I also see a man that’s more than willing to compromise his heart. And for what might I ask?? To have someone play you as if you are nothing more than some pawn in a game of chess. I see this wonderful person and so much depth in your eyes but I am reminded of the truth behind your stare everytime you turn away from too quickly. You fix your eyes on something else only to let me know that the man I thought you were has been invaded by a sheepish little boy whose afraid to try again. The dialogue and quiet conversation that we once shared is all but a distant memory and the small take has invaded the space between us. Its a space that continues growing wider and wider with every simple hello and four finger wave that is exchanged by two persons scarred by life. It hurts. It angers me to know that somewhere in the space lies something that could have been. Not necessarily between us but moreso within you. It angers me to know that the strength you once possessed is in the hands of some floozy who wants nothing but total control that she has already gained and called rightfully hers. But I remain slightly hopeful. One day I pray to see that strong black man when I look into your eyes and until then I’ll continue to pray you through. Because the man that I once knew was focused and stable, gripping life by its shirt tail and moving ahead as if dared to succeed. When I see that man reappear from behind the heartless shell that walks in your shoes I will rejoice. Because at that point in time, I will again have a friend.

standing my ground…

Posted in chickzz, him, people I love, relationships, Tae' by Tanae' A. on January 29, 2008
Last night I had to deal with a few situations that could have gotten the best of me. Aside from being very jealous I am very possessive as well. When I feel like someone belongs to me they are mine and I better come first lol. But really tho, my heart is in Ohio and we both know that we deal with or talk to other people but we never ever talk about it because that would not be good at all. So we brush it off and thats it. He doesn’t know who I deal with and I have no clue who he talks to and thats how I like it. But last night i txted him and we’re having this normal conversation and I asked what he was doing. Okay, why didnt he lie?? Why didn’t he just say nothing? He had to tell me that he was out to eat with a friend knowing good and well that im going to ask who he was eating with. Sure enough, it was a chick. I went off, what the h do you mean you out wit some chick?? Why would you tell me that?? So I was mad for like an hour and then I had to get it under control because I do my dirt to but I dont tell him about it so that was so unfair that I had to know. Then I went home and I decided to talk to my other ex who now is talking to some chick. Ok, lets just state for the record that if anybody that I deal with is talking to someone that is going to benefit them than im all for it but if the people they talk to are doin them dirty then im going off. But anyways, back to the situation at hand, I ended up talking to this chick and she turns out to be this really nice gurl. She has a good head on her shoulders and I respect her a lot. We talked for a while last night, at least an hour or two, and when I hung up I felt really good because I knew that my ex was dealing with someone that was positive for once. Altho I am happy I am also secretly jealous because Im supposed to be number 1 no matter what and I dont want no chick coming along to take what is rightfully mine… lolzz. So I am just a tab bit upset because it seems like everyone that I want is moving on to someone better and I am at a stand still. Well my honey is not moving on to anything better because I am convinced that there is no one as good as me within Otterbein College or its surroundings but thats not the point. I just wanna make sure that no one is a threat because regardless of who comes along and what they have to offer im standing my ground… im still the top chick, the wifee and the honey that has his heart so all these other chicks can fall back lolzz… well except Silk who understands that she can have my boop but Im always gonna be the wifee. I just love a chick that knows she cant take my place, theres something so reassuring about that lolzz.
ok…maybe im trippin a lil bit 🙂

if I had things my way

So, a lot of times I seem to get lost in my own thoughts. Well today I was just thinking, if I had everything in my life the way I wanted it to be how would it go?? Well, this is what I came up with.

 

For starters, I would not change anything that happened before Dec 2005. And really I wouldn’t change to much that happened after Dec. 2005 either, so here’s what I would change. I would change the fact that I ever became friends with, dated, or fell in love with James. Thats it. How lovely. Now let me explain before someone gets the wrong idea. If I had my way, I would take all of those happenings out of Dec 2005 and graciously move them to Dec. 2009. And you all are wondering why… the reason is quite simple really, in 2009 there will be no school. He would be completely through with school. So it would save me a lot of heartache and headache and I would be actually happy with him. And simply because James would not be in the picture I would have the opportunity to take things a lil further with this other dude without feeling completely bad about it. But since I cant change the past… this is what I would have happen in the future.

 

I think, well I know, that the first three things that I would have happen if I had my way is… 1. I would get a big fat check somewhere in the mail and I would use that to pay off the one bill that I have left, register for college and purchase the car that I have to wait until february to get. 2. I would have all of my poems somewhat close to being published and 3. I would give the youth ministry cpr and miraculously bring it back to life so that I can deal with all the stresses of keeping it well and kicking.

 

After that, I would go back to school, get a promotion [maybe that is asking a bit to much but that is what i would have happen], make enough money to make sure that my mother wasn’t struggling, fix up the big house from top to bottom and move out of my mom’s house… all in a year. And in 2009 I would be ready to transfer to a university [because i would have worked just that hard to get a two year program completed in one], I would have ridded my life of all the people that were nothing but distractions [all of whom are of the male sex for some reason, but that is neither here nor there], I would have started from scratch a healthy relationship with my honey, and I would be well on my way to success because by the middle of 2009 I would be expecting my 2nd promotion which includes a darn good raise and some major benefits, and I would be able to take a vacation to wherever I want and not have to worry about money, and I would be able to send my mother on a vacation to anywhere that she wanted to go for however long she wanted to go and there would be nothing she had to worry about except what she’s going to pack.

 

By the time 2013 hit I would plan to be married with two kids with a good paying job that allows me to spend time with my children and still be able to live comfortably. I want a nice house with a big back yard and front yard. I want two dogs, one for me and one for him. I want a playground in the back. I want one of those couch looking things that swing on my front porch and I want my own private bathroom in my room. I want a family day once a month to talk and eat and laugh and play with my kids and my husband. I want my mom to be happy and financially stable. By then I would have moved my NaNa somewhere, anywhere and I would be taking care of all her expenses. I would be making sure that my lil cousins are in college and doing their best and I will have coffee and bagels every saturday morning with my besties. And a girls night once a month and we’ll stay in and have drinks and lay around with our phones turned off and we’ll talk like we were back in high school, about boys and issues and there would be no thoughts of family or money or men or house cleaning or washing clothes or none of the other grown up stuff that we have to do every other day of our lives. I would go on a vacation once every three months, just me and my honey, and we would enjoy each others company and just have fun like back when we were dating. And last but not least… I would be happy. I would have a family and an education and a job and some damn good friends and I would be happy. I would want to wake up every morning and I would have a smile on my face every night and I would be happy.

 

If I could plan my life, thats what I would do. All those simple things is what I would expect. And sure, there would be some issues in between but I would be content with the smile that I had shining every single day. I would be blessed beyond abundance and joyful just because I am alive and surrounded by all the people I love the most.

 

Thats how my life would go if I had things my way…

a very emotional weekend

I dont really know how to explain this weekend. It was very emotional and very weird but we managed to get thru it. We actually had plans for friday. The dungeons was on our list of things to do but it was closed because of the rain so we ended up going to this other haunted house. After standing in that line for about 10 minutes we realized that it wasn’t worth it because it looked like it was for a bunch of little kids so we sold our tickets and left. So it turned out to be a girls night. We got a few drinks and sat around to play cards and that’s when it all started. We are sitting here talking about nothing in particular and then we just started talking about life. About everything that we had to get thru to get to where we are. Talking about all the poeple that weren’t there and how we were going to learn from their mistakes. We talked about everything that was hurting us and everything that we wished we could change. We talked about so much stuff and then we realized how absolutely blessed we were. We are here, all of us and we are doing damn good. We were sitting around all of us trying to be something better and this is what we have to be proud of. Sometimes we cant be proud of our parents or our family members but we are proud of ourselves because we were strong enough to make it thru every thing that the devil threw at us and we did it with the help of God. So this Friday night gurls night turned into a full blown praise party right there in the house. We sat there for at least an hour just praying and praising and thanking God because we made it to where we were and we are so blessed because we are here. It was a moment that I will continue to replay over and over again in my head for a long long time. It was just that special.

But anyways, we woke Saturday morning and we wanted to cook breakfast but everyone had something to do and in order to get to our various destinations we only had time to shower and get dressed before we were out the door fast. I went home, changed clothes and then got prepared to go driving. [my driving lessons are not up for discussion… LoL!! I’ll tell you about them when all my hours are complete and that will not be til Nov. 10th] I came home after two hours and sat around doing absolutely nothing. Finally my friend Smurph came over and we hung out all day not doing nothing until we decided to go see Jazzy. So me him and Shay hopped in the car and we were on our way. The visit started out a lil shakey cause everyone was getting on everybody’s nerves but after about 10 minutes we were all good. We played cards and ate a lil til about 1 in the morning and then we went home. I hopped right in the bed and was out like a light.

I did not want to wake up at 6:30 the next morning but I dragged myself out of the bed anyway. I put on anything and was ready to go by the time 7:45 hit. We hopped in the car and road up the peninsula at top speed and by the time we got to the church I was ready to go back to sleep!! LoL!! We went inside and the guest person who came, no I do not know his name, did really well. I really enjoyed their lil mini concert and sooner than I thought we were out the door. I talked for a bit then went up the street to grab a bite to eat. I recieved a phone call to let me know that there was no sunday school but I still came back down a lil early to talk to my peoples. I sat around for a while, laughed, joked, had another conversation about school and then we headed into service.

The service was good. The choir was great. The sermon was on point. But for some reason I felt disconnected… I wanted to be focused and I tried really hard but there were so many things on my mind that posed as minor distractions. When church was over we made a speedy exit so that we would be at NaNa’s house on time. On the way out I got a hug from someone and that was all the confirmation that I needed that a certain issue has been resolved. It felt good to finally have this woman acknowledge my presence and I walked away with a smile on my face. We went to NaNa’s house and waited because, of course after we rushed to get there, no one was ready. We went out in the tent to eat and have fun and eventually we went back home. While we were waiting for everyone to come and the food to get ready me and Jazzy had a really nice conversation… we just talked about things that we have never talked about before and I got a chance to actually tell her some things that she never asked and I never told. We got in the house and watched ‘Georgia Rule’ which was really good and then she left. I went upstairs to my room and I just thought about a lot of stuff. I finally went to sleep way after my bedtime and here I am on this monday evening ready to go home and watch Why Did I Get Married…

I purposely left all of the emotional things out. There are two reasons why I did that. 1. I have already talked about this with my second mother and it nearly brought me to tears at work so therefore I do not wish to discuss it anymore today… or until ultimately forced to deal with the situation at hand. 2. It is all kinda tied into one thing and the one thing that is at the root of all this craziness is not mine to discuss. Yes it involves me because it involves someone that I love very much but if that person just happened to browse by my blog I dont think they would too happy about their business being exposed.

I dont think it is going to be an easy week… it is still monday. I think I am anxious for the weekend to come because its my sisters 21st birthday and my TroyBoy is going to be at the party. This just gives me and excuse to see him without really letting him know that I want to see him. And I can flirt with him and make out with him all night which is always fun for a girl to do!! 🙂 This weekend is also my besties birthday so you know we bout to really have some fun.

material things dont matter [this 1 is a lil angry, some1 pissed me off]

Posted in him, men, money, moving on, shopping by Tanae' A. on October 17, 2007

I dont want much out of life. I’m not a hard person to please and I’m def. not greedy when it comes to material things… now when it comes to food, give me all ya got!! LoL!! I appreciate the small things in life. I am fine with the little bit that I have and I dont want for nothing unless its something that I really need or something that I really really want, which is not too much. Maybe this is why I am so baffled by the comment that was made about me by a friend. We were sitting on the phone yesterday and he said that I dont want to be with him because I want too much out of life and he cant give me the material things. I was really wowed by that statement. I am not, nor do I act like, nor do I look like any type of gold digging hoe. As a matter of fact, I aint never asked him for nothing as far as money and materials are concerned. To be really real about it, I was the one that was kickin out some bucks cause as I recall I had to pay for his work boots and I had to put gas in his car and I had to get him something to eat when he sat at my house for hours on end… so who the heck is he to make a comment like that?? Sorry, but I’m pissed. I dont want no broke dude cause I feel like a man should be able to take care of his self but MONEY HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE!! All that I have ever asked of him as that he treat me with some respect, take care of his responsibilities, go to church every once in a while and not do anything to get on my bad side… last time I looked, money was not something that I needed. I have my own and if my money cant buy the things that I need then I obviously dont need it that bad. I dont want your gifts or your jewelry or your new outfit. You can forget about the coach bag and the Dolche and Gabanna shades, I’ll take the knockoff and still look flyy. Keep the lil flowers you bought me… I dont even like the smell of flowers. You what, to solve the whole issue, why dont you just take the boot thats kicking you out the door. I dont know what type of chicks he is used to dealing with but I aint the one. I dont need you to do nothing for me that I cant do for myself and your material things can be thrown away and destroyed so go somewhere with that idea… Maybe you’re better off with a label chick.

im thru.

Posted in decisions, freedom, him, hurt, lost one, love, moving on, pain, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 20, 2007

sometimes walking away is the best thing that we can do… for ourselves.

…its time to focus on me and stop worrying about him… finally im free.