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my friend emailed me this survey thingy…

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on June 29, 2007

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was in my last year of elementary at Logan Elementary School. I rocked my cool light up shoes and was even a member of MESA [mathematical engineering science association] I think thats right… It was ten years ago!! LoL!! I had at least 4 Tamigatchi’s (sp?) and Furbies were my best friend!! LoL!!

What were you doing 1 year ago?

In a very complicated type relationship with MeSean… doing whatever I could to support Jasmine in her time of need. Not doing to much of anything… no work no school.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Popcorn
2. Fruit
3. Icecream
4. Cereal [yes that is a snack]
5. Sour cream and onion chips

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:

1. Brown Eyes by Destiny’s Child

2. Colt 45 by Afro Man

3. Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

4. Hallelujah by Troy Sneed

5. Jesus Takes the Wheel by Carrie Underwood

and tons more

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Give God 10% of whatever I have
2. Get out of debt
3. Pay off my moms mortgage 
4. Give to some shelters or something
5. Do whatever else I can think to do besides go shopping

Five bad habits:

1. Biting my nails
2. Being to nice to some people
3. Staying up late
4. Cursing
5. Brush off people that I dont wanna listen to

Five things you like doing:

1. EATING
2. Sleeping
3. Hanging with my friends and fam
4. writing and reading
5. working

Five things you would never wear again:

1. my gold prom shoes that are only made to be worn once

2. cap and gown from dundalks graduation

3.jeans I got from some store that fit me horribly

4. my fav orange bathing suit that I wore out last summer

4. my black dance unitard that I happened to lose

 

Five favorite toys:

1. Toshiba notebook

2. one of those reading lights that you use at night

3. digital camera

4. floppy disk with all my poems on it

5. my new phone

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Thursday

Posted in life by Tanae' A. on June 28, 2007

For some reason, I happen to be really liking Thursdays now. I think maybe because I know that the end of the week is near. When I really think about it… Monday-Friday is not as long as I thought. Monday is always hard because its so busy but by tuesday it’s almost the middle of the week. Wednesday is the exact middle and mostly always kinda relaxing and I look forward to thursday. By the time friday gets here all the negative stuff is just rolling off my back. Life is Lovely.

I am secretly excited to see my brother/cousin tomorrow evening. Okay… some of you are like… what the heck!! Lol!! My brother/cousin is Phil. He is my cousin… my favorite cousin and more like the brother that I never had. We’ve grown up together all our lives and my mother treats him like she pushed him out. He has made my home his house and get-away. In January he moved to S.C. with his grandfather.

The last time I saw his tail was the weekend of my mothers birthday party which seems like forever ago. I miss my baby like crazy and I get to spend an entire weekend with him and I am so excited. Hopefully he’ll be moving back the end of this year or the summer of next year. God knows I need my Phil around. And I get to see my brother/cousin tomorrow!!! YaY!!

Okay, enough of that. I am a lil upset right now. How did I go to eastpoint yesterday and didnt find any of the stuff that I went for. I did, however, find two really cute shirts that are hott. I also went to WalMart and saw this really cute dress that I HAD to have. One problem, they only had it in Large. But me being who I am, insisted that my mother pay the money for me to get it when she already pointed out that it was too big. But she went ahead and bought it anyway and swore up and down that she would not bring it back after I had a fit about it not fittin.

So I got in the house and I hurried to my room to try my dress on [dont ask me why I didnt try it on in the store] and I realized after standing in the mirror for a half hour that the dress was too big. And I had a fit just like mommy said. I screamed and hollered and cried cause i wanted that dress. Then I called my mother and said in the sweetest baby voice ever “Mommy, it doesn’t fit, can I go back and get the other dress tomorrow? Please..?” And she sighed and said “Yeah, i guess so. I should make you pay for it again cause i know you got money… lets get snowballs”

So today after work, my lovely mom is going to take me to WalMart to get the other dress that I saw that was the exact same with different straps. And we are going to pick up my drycleaning, and we are going to Dots and she is going to make a deal with me and tell me that I have to buy my own shorts if she pays for the 3rd dress that I get this week. And I will be super happy and buy her a necklace that will match some weird shirt she has in her closet.

Today is going to be a hectic day. I had my bags packed on yesterday [in my head] so today I have to REALLY pack them up. I will run around the house like a chicken with my neck cut of for a suitcase and I’ll cry at least 4 times. I’ll make sure I have everything that I need and I’ll still leave something as simple as a toothbrush or comb. And I will of course get in the bed at 12 midnight… but I’ll be too excited tomorrow to even be sleepy.

I have a pile of work to finish my tomorrow at 2pm and I’m afraid that if i start on it now I’ll be finished by 2pm today. So I’ll sit here and do half of it in the next hour so I can have something to do tomorrow. Ask me what I’ve been doing all day long?? Top Secret. LoL!!

I sometimes like blogging about totally pointless things so if you were looking for a meaning behind this post… THERE IS NONE!! I just wanted to write about my day and my feelings and my life right now in this moment.

 It’s supposed to rain today so could you pray that it doesn’t start til after I get home cause I didnt buy an umbrella when my mom told me too and I dont wanna stand at the bus stop in the rain. Thanks a bunch.

the weekend ahead of me…

Posted in P.C.I.F by Tanae' A. on June 27, 2007

This weekend is going to be a tad bit interesting… Am I looking forward to it?? Uuummm I dont know yet. This weekend is the annual Praise Covenant Interdenominational Fellowship Conference. I have my bags packed and I am ready to go but part of me wants to stay home and chill. I think there’s a reason why I ended up going without my sister and best friend. And perhaps there’s another reason why I just happened to be rooming by myself but I have not figured that out yet and perhaps I dont want to know the reasoning behind this awkwardness.

First, I must tell the events that led to me rooming by myself with a chaperone. My sister decided not to go: First weird thing. Jaz had something come up so she cant go: second weird thing. Mo’s mother decided to go last minute and insisted that she room with her instead of with me: third and forth weird thing. I am stuck in a room BY MYSELF WITH A CHAPERONE: 55th terrible thing.

Okay… uumm. I have a problem. I really am not looking forward to this. At one point in time, I was super excited… now I am just bummed. I am, of course, still a little bit hopeful that this weekend will go good and at least I am away from my family for a few days. But gosh golly junebug… must I really endure these conditions. I dont understand.

First good thing: With all the events that are going on I will only be in my room to change clothes, shower, and sleep. 11oth bad thing: We are going swimming on saturday, I thought we were going on friday night. Now I have to in some way… do my hair on Saturday night so that it wont be a good mess in church on sunday… But I had thought that maybe I could do my hair early saturday evening but now I’m gonna be up all night trying to look half decent for morning worship.

210th weird thing: Someone, I dont know who, decided that it would be a good idea to have a midnight madness on friday from 12-2 and then ask us to be in morning worship at 8AM!! Did they not think about this first or were they just tripin?? This thing will be over at 2… there’s no way that I am going to be in bed before 3 and then I will have to wake up at 6:30 on saturday morning to shower, get dressed, and make sure my hair is in tiptop condition by 8. Oh, and I have to give myself at least 15 minutes to eat cause God knows I cannot pray on an empty stomach ( thats against my religion) LoL!! Count it all up… that is 3 1/2 hours of sleep. OK.. can I slap WHOEVER put this itinerary together?? They need JESUS!!

Well, now that all of my complaining os out of the way… I must say that with everything going wrong, I do know that I will enjoy myself this weekend…even if I have to go back to my LONELY room to clear my head for a few minutes. I have a flyy dress for this banquet that I am NOT excited about. I am getting into a pool that will mess my hair up DRASTICALLY and remind me yet again THAT I CANT SWIM A LICK. And I am going to be surrounded but tons of people who will let it be known that I tend to get people sick a lot of times… but I will embrace them all and enjoy this weekend to the best of my abilities and I will do it with a HUGE smile on my face and even a lil pep in my step… and I will be sure to kick off my shoes at this banquet cause my feet are going to hurt a tad bit too much and right now I am in no mood to be dealing with standing up in 3 inch heels…

But before I can go through all of the above… I must complete this horrific work week and thank GOD that I managed to get out a half day on Friday. I’m half way there yall!!!

when I slip up I dont slip down…

The past two days have been spent glued to Heb’s blog… there is a certain post written OVER A YEAR AGO that has been recieving a lot of attention. I wonder if anyone knew this post would be this popular. It amazes me that there are never more than 3 or 4 responses on posts with topics about community and upbuilding our black community. But, there are over 50 responses from people who want to waste their time bashing Jamal Bryant. I dont understand that world in which we live.

Yes, rumor has it that Jamal made a few mistakes. Yes, he has most likely lost the trust of plenty people. And yes, he will probably have people walk away from the church and his teachings. But is all this really necessary?? If Jamal has really made this terrible decision, I believe first he needs to take that to God and repent. Second, he needs to take that to his wife, children, and family. He not only needs to make amends but he also needs to get this together and find a solution to the problem. THEN he can, if he wishes to, bring it to the attention of his church family and request their forgiveness.

What I dont understand is how some people, AS CHURCH PEOPLE, can kick a brother while he’s already down. Whether this is true or not, which I do think it is, him and his family have to be going thru a tough time right now. I know good and well that when I mess up I dont need nobody downing me because of my actions. We all make decisions and we all decide to do something wrong every once in a while and sometimes our decisions come back to kick us in the butt. And when that happens we have to take out to rethink what just happens and then do what we can do to make our wrongs somewhat right or simply learn from it and keep moving. I dont know how Jamal is going to pick hisself up… I dont know how he can earn back the trust of him family and church but I know that this will be impossible with people stepping on him not allowing him to redeem hisself.

He may have slipped up but at the end of the day he needs to have some of his FAITHFUL members encouraging him and sticking by his side no matter what. Prayerfully, after all of this Jamal will change for the better and his church will grow… not in numbers. The quantity doesn’t matter. All we can do is keep him, his family, and Empowerment Temple in constant prayer.

B.Blessed

….

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on June 25, 2007

Well, it’s monday. It was a very interesting weekend and I dont know how I feel today. A part of me is happy… a very small part. But most of me is just empty. I dont know what to feel. I am exhausted and overwhelmed with emotion and I wish all of this would just go away

I had a fairly good weekend. Friday night was spent resting in my house by myself for once and it was absolutely lovely. Although Saturday was somewhat hectic with all the running around that we did, it was still pretty peaceful and at the end of the day we realized that we didnt really do too much of anything besides burn up way too expensive gas. It was still good tho. On yesterday, all craziness broke out.

The day started off cool. I went to church, got a new phone, ate some great food, and took a few pics all before 10:45 service. The UniverSoul circus called our names and invited us into the Big Tent. We had a blast. After that, we spent a bunch of money on some good crabs and everything went down hill from there at exactly 9:11 pm.

We got news earlier yesterday morning that my best friends grandmothers daughter was not doing good at all. She was in the hospital and all her organs were shutting down. She was okay a week ago. She developed as absess (sp?) on her tongue and got very sick after that. She died around 5 on yesterday evening… we found out at 9:00. In a discussion about her issues someone informed Jaz that most of her problems came from drinking heavily. Thats when all hell broke lose.

After going thru all that Jaz has gone thru her doctors informed her that it was norman to get worried alot and possibly even have anxiety attacks. Well thats when the anxiety started. She became worried about everybody around her. Hyperventaling, crying, screaming, throwing up..everything. She couldn’t breathe, could barely talk and was shaking like crazy scaring the shit outta me. So for about an hour and a half we sat with her trying to get her to calm down and recollect herself and around 10:34 we were finally successful and continued on with what we thought would be a normal night.

But then, we called a very good friend and she was on the phone ballin her eyes out cause her aunt had just died from drinking related issues. It made me think. I fear death. I write a lot about it because I feel like its all around me. It scares me because I think constantly that someone in my life that I care about is going to be taken away from me and I dont think thats something I can deal with. It scared Jaz so much because a lot of people in her family and a lot of her friends drink heavily and if two people can be gone in a split second then any of them can be gone tomorrow.

I didnt get in the bed til after 12 and I had to wake up this morning at 6:30 so I was a lil grumpy but I was more worried than anything this morning. You all should know how I feel about death because I write about it  enough. But there are seven people in my life that I absolutely could not live without and it scares me more to think that something could happen to them. I think I can deal with everybody else, I love them but I can deal with losing them… I’ve prepared myself for the worst. But I CANNOT go on without my mommy, In, Shay, BoomBoom, Jaz, Matt, Phil, or my Grandmother. Without them I wouldn’t even be here today.

I am especially worried now about Jaz and my NaNa cause Jaz worries sooo much and I think one day she’s gonna make herself really sick. And as much as I dont want to admit it… my NaNa is getting older. She cant do as much and it really scares me that she stays in a house all by herself. I get scared a lot of times but I know deep down in my gut that the people that I am going to lose soon are going to be people that I dont even expect. Its gonna come as a shocker and I just hope that my family has enough strength left in our circle to deal with it when it comes.

Sorry this is soo long… I just had to put my feelings out there cause I dont think screaming at the top of my lungs at work is too acceptable!! LoL!! B. Blessed. Tae’

Book I’m reading

Posted in books by Tanae' A. on June 21, 2007

I am currently reading a book entitled “A Woman’s Wrath” and just like all the other books that I find myself reading… it is nothing like what I thought it would be. I dont really know what I thought it would be about but this is certainly not what I had in mind. Although the book is a little disturbing I must give the author her props only because her wording is out of this world. She makes everything that these characters do, think, say, or wear just seem so wonderful. It’s not to often that I can get a book with so much delightful metaphores and so I continue reading because I secretly envy her style of writing. I also secretly wanna know how this story is going to end but I do think that maybe she needs to write about more pleansant things. If I ever have the opportunity to meet her I am going to really ask if she has ever done some of the crazy things in this book. I honestly think that in order to write over 300 pages about something you have to kinda know what you talking about.. I’m just gon pray for her.

when enough aint good enough

Posted in decisions, life by Tanae' A. on June 21, 2007

For some reason I have become obsessed with rigth alignment. I dont know why, but to me it just looks so… different. So from now on, all of my posts will be right aligned. I dont think anyone would really mind tho… the words still flow the same! LoL!! Yesterday I was on MySpace fixing up my page and I ran across a lot of cool things that I didnt even know I could do to my profile..you know I was super excited!! Well then, a friend calls just to get the latest scoop on me and Muh Lo$3R and all of my excitement goes down the drain. But after the conversation I felt refreshed only because I guess I finally spoke the words that I needed to hear. Sometimes someones good is just not good enough for you. Musiq said it best… “There’s a difference between good and great but good wasn’t built to last.” I’m starting to think that maybe I should form higher expectations for myself. I want a lot out of life and I plan to go and get it. Just today I got offered a new position on my job and I clearly accepted without a second though and then after it was too late I thought about school. So I just figured it out like 2 seconds ago that there is a such thing as morning and Saturday classes. And if everything goes the way that I’m hoping it does, I’ll have full days on fridays which are absolutely lovely. I just think it’s time to really focus on me a bit and not other people. What God has for me is for me… so I’m gonna just stay on my grind and everything that He wants me to have will be presented before me when the time is right. Well, my stomach calls so I have to go get some chicken now… LoL!!

Frustrated beyond belief

Last night, when I wwas supposed to be in the bed catching up on some much needed sleep, I was up chatting with someone that I haven’t spoken to in a very long time. Back in the day she was like a lil cousin to me and we was bout thick as thieves. She stayed over my house too many times and me and my sister would try to make sure she was doing the right thing. Eventually she moved and since then I have seen her at most about 4 times in the past 2 1/2 years. Everytime I see her I get this happysad type feeling. She was no longer surrounded by people who wanted to see the best for her. She had moved away from her support system and I blamed her mother and I still do. I just wish that there was more that I could’ve done while she was around. Around 1am this morning she sent me a message letting me know so matter of factly that she now has a baby girl who is one month old. This little girl is 15. Her baby father is 20. I want to know whats wrong?? I think part of me knew that this would happen but I never thought so soon. All three of her older sisters had babies out of wedlock. Two of them were still in high school. Her mother had a baby almost 3 years ago out of wedlock. I want to know what is wrong?? Is this what we must deal with?? Our babies are following in the footsteps of those who have set a negative example and now they are having babies that they’re not even old enough to puch out. I’m frustrated… hurt.. and disappointed. I feel compelled to do something but what can I do?? How can I save a dying generation. The homicide rate is sky high and we look around and dont even see that we pulling the trigger on ourselves. When is enough going to be enough?? When are we going to do something to save our kids?? Help.

I Wish…

Posted in church, decisions, family, friends, frustrations, life, right vs. wrong, school by Tanae' A. on June 18, 2007

A lot of times I look around at a few people and wish that I could make them see how absolutely blessed they are. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, a lot of the college students that go to my church came back for a good ol Sunday School session. These are the days that we look forward to the most. After we were dismissed we all kinda congregated on the parking lot just talking and playing around and we started talking about how most of their parents were very strict when it came to grades. To most of them a C is unacceptable but to me… a C is pretty good. And yet they sat complaining about how they wished their parents would hop off their backs about school.

I wish that when I was in school I had someone to make sure I kept my grades up. In high school I did just enough to pass and make sure that I was going to walk across the stage. By the time I got to my senior year I realized that I wanted to do something better so I tried my hardest to get at least a ‘C’ average so I could get into a half way desent college.

Of course my mom thought that going to college was a great thing but even once I got there she wasn’t there pushing me making sure I got good grades or anything like that. When I dropped out of college and came home, my mother wasn’t upset, she just made it known that I had to get a job.

My mother wasn’t able to pay for my college tuition and I didn’t have the grades to get any type of scholarship so I settled for loans. I didn’t have enough money to stay on campus my first semester so I had to commute. And once I saved up enough money to stay on campus I didn’t have enough money for anything else so I had to try to stretch 20 dollars a week in order to buy everything that I could possibly need.

I’m not complaining or downing my mother. My mother did a damn good job raising me and my sisters on her own. She made ends meet and was sure that we didnt want for nothing. I just wish that I had someone pushing me and staying on my back about school and grades. And it really bothers me when I hear people complaining about how their parents stay on their back and wont give them room to mess up.

Well, I had plenty of room to mess up and I did my fair share of it. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. Certain things that they were sheilded from I ihad to endure and learn from. Would I go back and undo any of it?? No, because I’m happy to have went through it. But I wish that some of the people around me would realize how lucky they are to have grown up in families that they did. They are lucky because they had someone pushing them. They are one step ahead of me because they have someone in their corner making sure that they cross every ‘t’ and dot every ‘i’….

The Worst Father’s Day Ever

I honestly dont think I’ve ever had a bad Father’s Day. Of course, I’ve never really had a father to celebrate but usually my days are spent with my family enjoying their company. Yesterday will be a day that I will never forget, just because it was that terrible.

It started off good. I went to church early to dance, went to sunday school, laughed a lil, got some breakfast, and chilled with my fam. As soon as the 10:45 service started we got word that some people close to us lost their grand-father and from there my day went down hill. I tried my best to be there for them all but it was extremely hard. We all decided to dance anyway and the rest of the church service was spent comforting them and making sure they were okay.

Everytime someone around me loses someone, I feel like I’m just that much closer to losing someone that I love. It scares me to think about death because I dont think I would be able to deal with that type of loss. I think now more than ever, I have the urge to be with my family as much as I possibly can because you never know when some one will be taken from you.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day that I can remember not being surrounded by all of my aunts uncles and cousins. We went to dinner, just my sister and my mom, and then we went home. It saddens me because I see things changing in my family and I dont want to accept the change. We no longer get together on holidays like we used to. We no longer do something as simple as Sunday dinner like we used to. I just have the feeling that it’s gonna take something terrible in order to get us all back together. We are moving away from each other physically and I have a problem with it. My cousins moved to PA a few months ago. My brother moved to South Carolina in January. My aunt, uncle and cousins just moved to Chicago last week. My Uncle has lived in Atlanta since I can remember, my grandfather is in Ohio. And my other uncle is moving back to Alberquerque, New Mexico in less than two months. What is happening to my family?? Why are we seperating ourselves??

My prayers go out to Mama Na and the entire family. Be strong honeys God is with you and so are we…