im a big girl now [[or at least im tryin to be]]

There’s not too much that I really want out of life fa’real. Of course, I want to be successful. I want to do a lot but I have never been the type to want a lot as far as material possessions are concerned. I know how to be content with what I got and perhaps thats because I’ve never had much anyway. Who knows. Right now, my main focus is on getting a car and going to school which I think is pretty much set in stone. In a month or two I’ll have my car [maybe even sooner than that] and in July I’ll be going to school at Sojourner-Douglas. Perhaps before the summer gets here I may even be out of my moms house but we’re gonna see about that. Pretty much, the point of this is that I’m growing up. I’m already twenty and while a part of me wishes that I could go back to sixteen I know that the age will only increase. I dont really want to grow up and do all these things but the bills on my kitchen counter remind me that I am older and am getting more responsibility. Perhaps someone could bless me with a raise..::clears throat:: lolzz

But seriously, pray for me guys. I’m trying to do a lot at one time but with a few prayers and a whole lot of faith I know that I will  be okay and every thing will work itself out. I guess it really is time to be a big girl and do some things on my own… man this sucks. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE SELL ME A CAR PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE JESUS KNOWS I NEED ONE ASAP!!!

i just want him to know…

I look at you and I see this strong black man who stands up for what he believes. But I also see a man that’s more than willing to compromise his heart. And for what might I ask?? To have someone play you as if you are nothing more than some pawn in a game of chess. I see this wonderful person and so much depth in your eyes but I am reminded of the truth behind your stare everytime you turn away from too quickly. You fix your eyes on something else only to let me know that the man I thought you were has been invaded by a sheepish little boy whose afraid to try again. The dialogue and quiet conversation that we once shared is all but a distant memory and the small take has invaded the space between us. Its a space that continues growing wider and wider with every simple hello and four finger wave that is exchanged by two persons scarred by life. It hurts. It angers me to know that somewhere in the space lies something that could have been. Not necessarily between us but moreso within you. It angers me to know that the strength you once possessed is in the hands of some floozy who wants nothing but total control that she has already gained and called rightfully hers. But I remain slightly hopeful. One day I pray to see that strong black man when I look into your eyes and until then I’ll continue to pray you through. Because the man that I once knew was focused and stable, gripping life by its shirt tail and moving ahead as if dared to succeed. When I see that man reappear from behind the heartless shell that walks in your shoes I will rejoice. Because at that point in time, I will again have a friend.

standing my ground…

Last night I had to deal with a few situations that could have gotten the best of me. Aside from being very jealous I am very possessive as well. When I feel like someone belongs to me they are mine and I better come first lol. But really tho, my heart is in Ohio and we both know that we deal with or talk to other people but we never ever talk about it because that would not be good at all. So we brush it off and thats it. He doesn’t know who I deal with and I have no clue who he talks to and thats how I like it. But last night i txted him and we’re having this normal conversation and I asked what he was doing. Okay, why didnt he lie?? Why didn’t he just say nothing? He had to tell me that he was out to eat with a friend knowing good and well that im going to ask who he was eating with. Sure enough, it was a chick. I went off, what the h do you mean you out wit some chick?? Why would you tell me that?? So I was mad for like an hour and then I had to get it under control because I do my dirt to but I dont tell him about it so that was so unfair that I had to know. Then I went home and I decided to talk to my other ex who now is talking to some chick. Ok, lets just state for the record that if anybody that I deal with is talking to someone that is going to benefit them than im all for it but if the people they talk to are doin them dirty then im going off. But anyways, back to the situation at hand, I ended up talking to this chick and she turns out to be this really nice gurl. She has a good head on her shoulders and I respect her a lot. We talked for a while last night, at least an hour or two, and when I hung up I felt really good because I knew that my ex was dealing with someone that was positive for once. Altho I am happy I am also secretly jealous because Im supposed to be number 1 no matter what and I dont want no chick coming along to take what is rightfully mine… lolzz. So I am just a tab bit upset because it seems like everyone that I want is moving on to someone better and I am at a stand still. Well my honey is not moving on to anything better because I am convinced that there is no one as good as me within Otterbein College or its surroundings but thats not the point. I just wanna make sure that no one is a threat because regardless of who comes along and what they have to offer im standing my ground… im still the top chick, the wifee and the honey that has his heart so all these other chicks can fall back lolzz… well except Silk who understands that she can have my boop but Im always gonna be the wifee. I just love a chick that knows she cant take my place, theres something so reassuring about that lolzz.

ok…maybe im trippin a lil bit 🙂

PizzaMia

Friday night my plans were crushed because my ride bailed on me last minute so instead of going to Fourth Friday Fundamentals we decided to go to Pizza Hut. We get here and Shay decides that she wants bread sticks and pizza because she’s a fatty. But, we called ourselves saving money and so we took advantage of the Pizza Mia deal where you get three pizzas for fifteen bucks. Mind you, it was only three of us there and after Shay forced us to eat all the bread sticks we really didnt want any pizza. So now we have one and a half pizzas on my dining room table that are probably going to go to waste because by now the entire world is tired of eating our pizzas that we insisted on buying. But I just have some proof and evidence that all my friends are fatties and here it is for all the world to see…

time flies when you’re having fun…

Ladies and Gentlemen… congratulate me::

I have been at my job for one year today!! On January 29, 2007 I walked into this office and began this wonderful journey. I must admit, the 9-5 thing is still killing me but I am getting used to it by the day. I just want the world around me to know that I am so super blessed to be here in this office and I am excited to see what happens in the year ahead…

Tanae’ A.

A lot of times I tend to forget some things that are quite crucial to my life. Some times I take so much time dwelling on the things that are not rather than the things that are and I was so guilty of that last week. I dont necessarily feel bad about that because sometimes we have to take time to re-evaluate but when we spent to much time focused on the negatives we miss out on the positives. I actually missed a whole week of time that I’ll never get back because I was so focused on one little issue that was holding me back from the people thatI love thee most. It wasn’t until saturday night that I really realized how much time I had wasted and so I did I quick change. I looked at the situation, learned from it and moved onto something better. By the time I went to sleep I was standing on good ground and I had ultimately figured out the lesson that was to be gained. Needless to say, it is Monday morning and I kinda feel a lil bad [physically] but I feel refresched and ready for the week ahead.

…um. am i the only one who did NOT see AJB & AP on the Celebration of Gospel?? And I was looking hard too… what happened??

u open ur eyes to see…

my goofy silly nephew has a habit of walking around the house with his eyes closed. my guess is, he does it because he feels as tho he knows his surroundings well enough to manuver without looking at where he is going. it is not until he bumps into something or trips over something that he will open his eyes again. altho this is funny to me while he is doing it i was thinking yesterday that there is a lesson to be learned. how many of us walk around with our eyes closed thinking that we know everything around us?? how many of us go thru life blinded only to open our eyes when we trip up or run into a wall? well, i am tired of living life with my eyes closed because reality is, if i would only take time to look around i could save myself a bunch of skinned knees. truth of the matter is, i dont really know my way around. this week i have run into a lot of eye openers and i have learned a lot of lessons about people. but more than that i have learned a lot about me and how i handle situations. i have observed my reactions and have determined the negatives and positives about me. so im walking thru each day lookin life in the eye…

oh… and i applied to Sojourner-Douglass yesterday and i’ll be able to register in a few months for fall semester… YaY Me!!! im excited yall lolzz

Happy Thursday….

Hey everyone!!! It’s is a wonderful Thursday and I think that I am getting sick [[sshhh dont tell anyone lol]] I usually hate thursdays but today is actually a good day. I am excited about the upcoming three days because they are going to be super fun.

Tomorrow night I am going to Fourth Friday Fundamentals to see my homeboy B.Morr perform. I am excited cause we’ve been looking forward to this for a while. Saturday will be spent with my Nana if she doesn’t have anything to do. I really wanna take her out for a day but I’m kinda broke so thats not an option. I guess we’ll have a movie day in the house which should be kinda fun. Sunday will be spent in church ALL DAY LONG and then I will rush home to watch the highly anticipated CELEBRATION OF GOSPEL… and incase you didnt know AJB & AP will be up in there again this year. You can hear more about that over at Heb’s spot…

And for those of you that are interested in the status of my phone… it has been mailed and shipped and it is waiting patiently at my home for my arrival!! I now have my phone and I am looking forward to a great weekend and I am sooo super excited about it. Talk later homiezz!!

—>friends<—

Yesterday night I was really having a moment and it probably is not that serious to any of you but it is important to me so I’m sharing it…

As you all know I broke my phone on Saturday and the past three days have been spent filling out paper work and talking to people about getting a replacement. It was a stressful process but when I finally got to the end I was relieved. For some reason I thought that they were going to bill me for the replacement phone instead of requesting in on the spot so I was kinda upset when they asked for it last night. When I realized that I didn’t have it I got really upset because I didn’t have anyone that could spot me the money. It kinda pissed me off because when anyone needs money I’m the one that they come to. I give and give but it sucks that when I need something I have no one to turn to. I know that if I wouldn’t be there for so many people I would have had the money in my account when I needed it. But since I didn’t have it I attempted to call my “best friend” because I knew that she had money stashed away. Now, like I just said, I am always the one to give people money. If someone asks me for something and I have it I will not think twice about giving it to them expecially when I know that they are going to pay me back… check out how this conversation went…

Me –> “Hey, you got some money I can borrow til I get paid??”

Her –> “Not really but I can get it out the bank for you. How much you need??”

Me –> “a hundred…”

Her –> “for your phone?”

Me –> “yeah…”

Her –> “Oh hell no!!”

Me –> “~dial tone~”

Why did I hang up?? And why have I been ignoring her calls all morning long?? Because I’m pissed… If ever in ten million years she ever asked me for some money for ANYTHING regardless of what it is I would give it to her and wouldn’t even ask for it back but here I am askin her for some money to BORROW that I was going to pay back WITH INTEREST and she tells me know because she thinks its stupid. I never really thought that I would ever have her deny me something that I wanted that she had. So last night I was really mad. Not just at her but at the fact that when I need something no one is there to call on except my mother. One thing that I’m beginning to realize in this life is that my mother is my best friend. So, mommy gave me the money and I’ll have my phone by tomorrow but that doesn’t change how I feel. I dont need friends that are just there for certain things. I want a friend thats there for everything and my mom is the only one that is there on every level. I love my friends to death but I guess now I know that there are boundaries to everything but that sucks when I dont put restrictions in my friendship.

So today I am so thru with people who are so called friends… I just need a break from it all and I’m spending more time with mommy dearest whome I love so very very much.

[[He]] got me right where I {need} to be…

I know that a lot of times in life we kinda go thru things that seem like total hell and most times we do anything to get out of the hell that we find ourselves in. One thing that I have learned from being in {hell} so much is that hell aint as hott as it seems. We pray and pray and pray for God to get us out of the hell but sometimes our purpose is to get burned.  Too many of us [[myself included]] automatically stop drop and roll as soon as we feel a lil heat but there is no lesson in leaving and no gain in giving up. Sometimes its the same heat that burns you that teaches you something and it took me a long time to learn that. This past weekend {after i broke my brand new phone} I kinda had this rude awakening. Usually if things aint going right wit me I’m cutting off everyone and everything [[God included]] and I had been doing that for a few days. I had completely cut off God and then I’m sitting back wondering why the hell He aint speaking to me…lolzz how dumb. So the other day I decided to have some really serious one on one time with God and He told me {yes He does speak to me…} that someone I least expected would give me the strength I needed to go on. So I’m thinking that this is crazy… but whatever God is God. Sunday was really not a good day cause I was walking around with a broke phone and I was just upset about a lot of other things. I ended up being at church a lil lonely for a lot of reasons and I kinda knew that altho I wanted to go home I was where I needed to be. While I’m standing around waiting on second service to start a lady just walks up to me. I’ve seen this lady before but not too much and I really do not know her name but she just walks up to me and starts talking to me like some long lost friend. I was truely not in the mood to be friendly so I politely excused myself and headed straight to the bathroom. But as I was walking away she said “you know, God has you right where you need to be”… I asked her what she was talking about…”what do you mean?? in church??” she says “No… In life” okay. um… you know what Lord, next time warn me before you start sending messages my way. But really tho, that was what I needed to hear in order for me to get thru that day. Its one thing to be where you are and not know which way to go but its another thing to know that you are where you need to be. That just lets me know that even in all the mess and all the crap and even all the good stuff…God is working on me. I’m excited because I know that I’m coming out of this {hell} and I may have a few burns and I may even be covered in soot but I know that I’m coming out a better person and God is truely working on me.

This past weekend I traded in my liquor for a wine cooler!! I was excited about that… maybe im the only one lolzz