[{GRaViTY}]

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

i am such a rebel lol

Posted in be the change, commitment, decisions, determination, faith, Tae', [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
I have always been told that if you want something done you gotta do it yourself. So I am taking the initiative and im doing things on my own, with the help of someone else. Why sit around wait for someone else to do what I should be doing anyway. Im going straight rebel and im getting things done and im not taking no for an answer. There comes a time when we have to stop riding the bench and actually get in the game… well im in the starting line-up and ready to go. There are going to be a few people who will turn up their noses at what we are doing but I am believing by faith that there more that will stand behind us and support us…
Y.R.P all day long ya digg
Tanae’ A.
status update:
# of txts as of 020508: zero
# of incoming calls as of 020508: zero
# of emails as of 020508: zero
# OF PPL I REACHED OUT TO: ZERO

im a big girl now [[or at least im tryin to be]]

Posted in blessings, determination, faith, lets grow up, life, prayer, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 31, 2008
There’s not too much that I really want out of life fa’real. Of course, I want to be successful. I want to do a lot but I have never been the type to want a lot as far as material possessions are concerned. I know how to be content with what I got and perhaps thats because I’ve never had much anyway. Who knows. Right now, my main focus is on getting a car and going to school which I think is pretty much set in stone. In a month or two I’ll have my car [maybe even sooner than that] and in July I’ll be going to school at Sojourner-Douglas. Perhaps before the summer gets here I may even be out of my moms house but we’re gonna see about that. Pretty much, the point of this is that I’m growing up. I’m already twenty and while a part of me wishes that I could go back to sixteen I know that the age will only increase. I dont really want to grow up and do all these things but the bills on my kitchen counter remind me that I am older and am getting more responsibility. Perhaps someone could bless me with a raise..::clears throat:: lolzz
But seriously, pray for me guys. I’m trying to do a lot at one time but with a few prayers and a whole lot of faith I know that I will  be okay and every thing will work itself out. I guess it really is time to be a big girl and do some things on my own… man this sucks. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE SELL ME A CAR PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE JESUS KNOWS I NEED ONE ASAP!!!

u open ur eyes to see…

Posted in determination, life, school by Tanae' A. on January 25, 2008
my goofy silly nephew has a habit of walking around the house with his eyes closed. my guess is, he does it because he feels as tho he knows his surroundings well enough to manuver without looking at where he is going. it is not until he bumps into something or trips over something that he will open his eyes again. altho this is funny to me while he is doing it i was thinking yesterday that there is a lesson to be learned. how many of us walk around with our eyes closed thinking that we know everything around us?? how many of us go thru life blinded only to open our eyes when we trip up or run into a wall? well, i am tired of living life with my eyes closed because reality is, if i would only take time to look around i could save myself a bunch of skinned knees. truth of the matter is, i dont really know my way around. this week i have run into a lot of eye openers and i have learned a lot of lessons about people. but more than that i have learned a lot about me and how i handle situations. i have observed my reactions and have determined the negatives and positives about me. so im walking thru each day lookin life in the eye…
oh… and i applied to Sojourner-Douglass yesterday and i’ll be able to register in a few months for fall semester… YaY Me!!! im excited yall lolzz

what the future holds…

Posted in be the change, decisions, determination, life, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 8, 2008

there are a few people in my life that often express their “concerns” when it comes to certain things. most times the concerns are school or poetry related but every once in a while someone will throw me for a loop. because i am who i am i usually outwardly dismiss their concerns but i do hold onto them internally [[if that makes any sense]]. needless to say, nothing that i do to better myself is ever to please anyone else but only so that i might gain from it. people have been telling me for over a year now that i need to go back to school but i have not gone because I was not ready to go back. plenty of people have asked me why all of a sudden i have stopped writing and when i am going to start back up again. people have told me time and time again that i should pick up a trade or do this or that. i have finally come to a point where i have decided that i am going to do things on my own time and in my own way and when i do decide to make choices as far as school, my writing, or any other thing in my life is concerned i am going to keep it to myself. of course, there are a few choice people that are going to know about my decisions but in order for me to do certain things i have to keep certain people out of the loop. i just want everyone to know that i have started making some “adjustments” and i am trying to get on [[and remain on]] the right track. we’ll see where this road leads me and prayerfully i’ll end up where i need to be. so keep praying and maybe sooner rather than later you “concerned” individuals will be well pleased. and those of you that have been priviledged enough to know of my future plans [[and there are only three of you outside of family]]… you should feel most honored lolzz!!

oh and for all of you N.O.R readers… there will be no poetry up for a while so give the page a break for a few months. I have posted quite a bit of surveys up but its nothing too interesting.

[[im oh so 08]]

my letter to a friend…

Posted in decisions, determination, drama, friends, frustrations, Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on December 27, 2007
sometimes we do things that try to help other people but our actions come back to bite us. sometimes we walk away from certain situations regretting everything that has happened. sometimes people dont take time out to realize that your intentions were good, but instead they blame you for someone elses faults. am i responsible for everything that has happened over the past few weeks?? probably so. i can take that tho. i can accept the fact that all this has come from one simple conversation but i cant say that this is what i wanted. at the end of the day, i wanted to do something good but i guess my intentions have gone ignored. so from today on i am excusing myself from the situation. i just cant deal with the drama. you say that no one is to blame but yet you coming at me like this ish is my fault. really, i’ll take the blame. i’ll be held accountable for everything that has taken place and you can go on with ya fake story book romance but sooner or later the truth is going to bite you in the butt. truth is, there’s a good chance that i was out of line and so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i shouldn’t have spoke the truth when it was asked of me so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i should have just continued on with my good talk and encouragement because maybe then you guys would all be happy bout everything. so i’m sorry, really i am. im sorry for being real. im sorry for telling the truth. im sorry that the people you deal with are fake and you had to find out this way. im sorry that things caused problems for you. im sorry that some friendships are ruined. im sorry for not being this fake ass person who’s willing to smile in ya face and watch shiesty people walk over you. i know now that maybe in the future i should just keep my mouth shut because that would just make a better life for everyone. i know now that some people cant handle truth and would much rather live in ignorance as if deceit doesn’t have a face. i know now that some people dont appreciate or acknowledge when something was done to help them. so i’ll pack my shit and go. i’ll take all the havoc that i have caused and i’ll toss it out the window. i’ll walk away and allow you to go back to your blinded reality of what love really is. i dont blame you and i’m not mad at all, i’m just a lil bit frustrated with the way things turned out. i know that sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, i’ve been in your shoes plenty of times. so i wish only the best for you. i wish that you would give it your best shot and do what it takes to make things work the way they should. i wish that you would get what you deserve and thats nothing more than a smile on your face and happiness in your heart. but more than that, i hope that when you finally realize the truth it doesn’t hit you too hard. i have never regretting helping someone until now but it is what it is i guess. there’s nothing more that i can do or say to rectify the situation and so i’m doing the one thing that everyone would appreciate… im walking away. i cant undo whats been done nor can i change the past but i truely wish that you would have a great future… you deserve the best and maybe what you have is the best for you. 

living for me

Posted in decisions, determination, fed-up, frustrations by Tanae' A. on October 9, 2007

I am so tired of young, immature, fake, phony, half-steppin people. I am tired of people thinking that they can get away with dirt when they only setting themselves up to be caught. I am tired of people and their juvenile behaviors. I am tired of people saying they are going to do something and not doing it. I am tired of people taking their frustrations and stresses out on everyone around them. But most of all I am tired of people that smile in my face and try to do me harm behind my back. This is life people, life is meant for living. So when are people going to really start living?? People seem to be so focused on Tanae’ and what she is doing that they never worry about themselves. People so worried about making sure I know that they dont like me or going out of their way to mugg me or steppin in my face to speak to me and then tell ya homegirl that you dont like me loud enough for me to hear. What the hell is the point?? I mean really, you hating on me because I’m doing something that you couldn’t do on your own. Well, get over it. You mad cause YOU THINK i got something that you want… and i’m laughing at you in your face cause you assuming for no reason at all. People sneaking around trying to do their dirt in all the wrong places… there’s a time and a place for everything and its time that something be said about behavior that is going on. People look at the behavior of people around them and they never stop to correct it… but instead they settle for talking about those people behind their backs when that aint the way to go. When you see something broken YOU FIX IT… you  dont just watch it collapse and fall. People all around me are looking out for self. No one is worried about the people around them. We walk past people and we talk about them and then wonder why no one helps us when we are at our lowest points. I’m through. I’m done worrying about other people, I’m done caring what people think. If you dont like me than you know what, thats your problem not mine. I could care less what you think of me… go ahead and talk about me and disrespect me and do what ever you feel in your lil heart to do. And watch me smile in your face and hug you when I see you and offer you a helping hand whenever you need it and then we’ll see who is really mad. Because there is really no point in hating me over things that you cannot control. Get your life together please. If life to you is all about me and what I am doing than you are not really living. Glad I inspire you and have that big of an impact on your life but its really about that time for you to grow up. Start looking at the bigger picture. Start living like tomorrow aint coming… and STOP PISSING ME OFF!! LoL!! Really man, people are really starting to get to me and its a bunch of things at once. All these people are coming at me all at once I feel like I am being attached by all of them. Well I’m tired of fighting… I’m tired of helping and I’m tired of hurting. Go ahead and do what you do, go where you wanna go, live how you wanna live, mug me if you want, dont speak if you dont feel like it, continue to hate and talk about me, please continue to smile in my face, continue to ignore what I say so that you can get caught up, continue to take your frustrations out on me, continue to be immature and young… please please, continue on with your antics and when you finish look the hell around and see how much of life you’ve really missed being dumb.

I’m just gonna live my life for me… how bout it??

I am more than a conqueror!!!

Posted in determination, fighting, G-D by Tanae' A. on September 25, 2007

It seems like everytime I try to do something positive, something comes up to throw me off. Everytime I get my mind set to move forward in the direction that G-d would have me to go, there’s always something there waiting to just trip me up… but I got news for you satan. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR, I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED && I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!! The devil can throw whatever he wants to throw at me but I’m still fighting, i’m still in his word, im still praying more than ever and doing what I have to do. No negative thing will stand in the between me and my destiny… I will not fail. I got a G-d in my corner that is greater than any negative thing that can be thrown against me. So hit me with ya hardest punch, give me ya best shot, i may stumble a little bit, I may even fall…. BUT I WILL NOT FAIL!! I will come out on top no matter what happens or how long it takes. I’m gonna press my way through.

getting to know people

Posted in check ya flesh, church, decisions, determination, events, ministry, Shiloh, [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on August 27, 2007

Yesterday was our last summer service at church so, like always, we enjoyed a very hott outside service. I woke up a little early because I decided that I wanted to go to Sunday School and I was a bit discouraged to hear that it was cancelled because of a New Members Breakfast. I ended up just sitting around chatting with a few good folks as I waited very patiently for service to start but in the meantime I noticed a girl walking into the church. I had seen this girl before a few times but I didn’t really know who she was so I decided to introduce myself… I was not pleased with the way the conversation went down…

“Hello!” I said with a very bright smile… she didn’t respond she just looked at me like I was crazy and gave me one of those four finger waves.

“Um, I been seeing you around a lot lately so I just decided to introduce myself. I’m Tanae’, this is Shanaira, and the one in the blue shirt is Kayla.”

“Okaay…”

“So, whats your name?”

“Deanna…” with sarcasm drippin from every other syllable

“Oh Ok, and the boy that you be with is your brother??”

“Who? John?”

“Is that his name??”

“uuuhhh huh..”

“Ok, well I just wanted to introduce myself. I’ll be seeing you around.”

And yet again a rude reply… “Oook…”

Now, at first, I was completely turned off by this chicks attitude. I was being really nice to homegirl trying to introduce myself and some of the other youth and she just straight up threw sarcasm all in my face. But, despite my feelings about her, she is a new youth at my church I feel as tho it is my responsibility to get her and her brother affiliated with some other people their age. So, I am going to continue to speak to her and greet her with million dollar smiles. I am going to give her chance to get to know some people and get used to the atmosphere that is probably not accustomed to. Maybe in a few weeks she’ll have a change of attitude and actually get to know some of us and she may even want to become active in ministry.

Usually, I would never talk to this chick again after the conversation that we first had but I had to really think about it. I know back in the day, my first impression on a lot of people was probably horrific but most of those people continued to deal with my lil attitude and eventually realized that i’m not a bad chick. Actually, I can be nice, quirky and retarded most times. But, some people just take a lil longer to come around then others so maybe if she sees somebody thats continuously trying to make her feel apart of she’ll warm up a lil. I’m hoping and praying she does…

ok, im complaining… AGAIN!!

I AM SO EFFIN FRUSTRATED!!

I KNOW THAT I CANT DO EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO HELP ME I COULD DO THIS. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS JUST LOOKING AT ME AND NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME OUT.

I’M STRESSING MYSELF OUT BECAUSE THERE’S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO WAIT AND PATIENCE IS NOT MY THING. I’M TRYING, GOD KNOWS I AM BUT IM REALLY GETTING TICKED OFF BECAUSE I WANT SO BADLY FOR THIS MONEY TO FAL INTO MY LAP.

IN THE MIDST OF ALL OF MY HYSTERIA, I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I CANT REALLY DISCLOSE ANY INFO BECAUSE I DONT KNOW FOR SURE IF THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT. BUT JUST KEEP PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WORKS IN MY FAVOR. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THIS MONTH, ALL OF MY MONEY ISSUES WILL BE STRAIGHTENED OUT AND I’LL BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BESIDES JUST STAY IN CONSTANT PRAYER CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW CRAZY THIS SITUATION IS MAKING ME. I KNOW THAT I WILL GET THRU THIS (on my own) AND I WILL THEN HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.