[{GRaViTY}]

.just.so.tired.

Posted in choir, church, dancing, FOOD!!, friends, getaway, help me!!, im so over it, prayer, Shiloh, tired, [[o8 aint 4 me]] by Tanae' A. on April 22, 2008
im tired yall. really tired. just of the day to day ritual. tired of the everyday people, the everyday headache…the everyday bullshit. tired. tired of trying, tired of helping, tired of being used. tired. just. plain. old. tired. no if ands buts on the end of it…maybe a yarn or two.
yesterday i had to cut off a real cool chick cause being friends with her was keeping me tied to someone else that i didnt want to continue being stuck to in any kind of way. we talked about it and she was cool with it, understood the situation and after that i felt free to walk away. im no longer tied to someone and now that chapter is over with. thank God.
now. i tried the same thing with JHW II but there is no way to be free from that. everywhere i turn there is some way that i am connected to him. i mean, we go to the same church for Christ’s sake and even tho he is hardly ever there….uummm HELLO do you not see his fam and friends surrounding me?? thats a book that has no ending so i guess ill be stuck to him forever…its draining.
i call myself trying to be a friend. i try to be nice, i really do. i let someone who called me their best friend borrow money. the first time i aint think twice about it. she was about to start a new job and just needed gas money. of course ima give it to her especially since she gave me a ride home that day. she claimed she was going to give it back to me and i wasn’t really worried about it… what is ten dollars?? nothing. so two weeks later she had lost that job and was about to start a new job [[did i mention that this chick cant keep a job to save her life??]] and of course was broke and needed money. so, after thinking about i figured id give her some money cause at least she is TRYING to get a job and do something positive. mind you, this wasnt no chumo  change…this was some serious dough, no joke. so, about a week later she loses that job, outrageous yes. so i decides im not going to say anything about the money for a minute cause she needed a chance to get back on her feet. so about three weeks later i asked her when she would have the money and told her i wasnt expecting it all at once. she says that she would have it all on the following friday. by the time the next wednesday came she asked me if she could wait two weeks til the 26th. of course, i said yeah. at least she came at me and asked if i could hold out and i really didnt even need the money. so the 26th rolls around and you would think that she would call me, txt me, im me, hit me up on the space…something. nope. didnt hear from this chick at all. so two days later she texted my phone like she aint owe me nothing…just talking bout nothing. ok, wait a minute, something aint right. i let her go a week just to see if she would mention the money at all. nope. silence. no money talk round here. so by that point i was irritated…not even mad fa’real. i called her and asked when she was going to have the money and after that she been ducking me out ever since. not answering my phone calls or nothing. she was supposed to bring it last week but of course something happened and two days later she magically lost her bank card. so you know what i did?? i went to every single bank website that i could think of and checked to see how long it takes to send a new bank card thru the mail. THE LONGEST THAT IT TAKES TO GET A NEW BANK CARD IS THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS. ok, she lost the card on saturday so that means it should be in the mail by monday morning and at her house by wednesday or friday.  that means, ill be knocking at her door on saturday evening and if my money aint in my hand my fist will be in her face. sorry but im tired.
pastor’s anniversary is in two weeks. am i excited?? yes and no. excited because first…FREE DINNER!!! i know, i know, the first reason should be because i just love my pastor so much [[which i do]] but…i love food just so much more and you know FREE food is the best food ever invented. so second reason i am excited is because i love my bishop oh so much. third reason…we have three wonderful great menses of GOD preaching and i know that it is going to be a holy ghost filled day. reasons why i am not excited…first, three services, from 7:30 am to around 6:30 pm i will be in Shiloh, around church going people and in church clothes that i do not want to be in for more than two hours max. reason number two, i just got a text message two minutes ago saying that ALL choirs must sing. that means, i have to go to rehearsal and on top of that i have to dance. singing and dancing all day long is not going to work for me so i am going to go to both rehearsals and then decide which one i want to be bothered with because the changing and stresses of both will not be working. reason number three… who in their right mind decided that it was ok to tell Tanae’ that pastors anniversary was coming up two weeks before it comes…ok, allow me to get my head together please. thank you.
im tired. just tired and worn out. tired. i just want to go somewhere far far away and sleep for two days straight and pray for eternity and then come back to try it again. sometimes we just need to get away from the world and just spend some alone time with us and God… until i get to get away ill just be tired and hopefully you will keep praying.

slowly dying

Posted in death, health, help me!!, him by Tanae' A. on April 21, 2008
ii think everyday that ii go thru this shit hurts worse. how can he chose her over me?? what is so special about her?? nothing. there cant be anything so wonderful about her. she cant be right for him so why is he with her?? it didn’t bother me when ii first found out, ii was okay. but now, ii dont know what the problem is. ii guess everyday that he spends with her is another step he’s taking away from me. ii no longer have his heart. im no longer the one that he wants and as much as it kills me to admit that to myself i have to do it. ii dont know where to go from here, there is no one else in this entire world that ii would rather be with so what else is there to do??

 

and to add insult to injury my frickin head will not stop hurting. there’s this pressure in the back of my head that wont go away. at first it just appeared after some type of exercise or activity but its been there now for two days and will not budge. it doesn’t really hurt and if ii dont pay any attention to it ii even forget its there but its annoying. whatever it is thats wrong is making me tired, ii feel sluggish and dont feel like doing anything. ii was going to call my doctor today but ii decided not to. ii hate going to doctors. if it gets any worse i’ll make an appointment but if not ii suppose ill be okay.

 

ii just dont feel like dealing with whatever is not right. when it’s my time to go, there aint no stopping it so all the extra is so unnecessary. we’ll see what happens in the very near future and take it from there. in the meantime, keep me [[and my health]] in your prayers.

tired of giving

Posted in giving back, help me!!, life, people I love, tired by Tanae' A. on February 5, 2008
Every week, I reach out to at least ten people in some kinda way. Every week I talk to people about their issues and problems. Every week I call someone just to see how they are doing. Every week I shoot someone an email or text message just to let them know that I was thinking about them. Every week.
Every day I reach out to family and friends to make sure they are doing okay. Every day I text, call or hit them up on the space to see how they are. Every day, one of those persons that I reach out to need an encouraging word and everyday I give it. Every day.
Every so often, I go thru stuff. Every once in a while I have a bad day and need someone to talk to. Sometimes, I need to know that someone some where is thinking about me, praying for me, and are there if I need them. Every once in a while my faith is tested. Every month, every week, every single day.
Do you wanna know who calls me… no one. Do you wanna know who texts me… no one. Do you wanna know who emails me…no one. Do you wanna know who stops for more than two seconds to ask how im doing and really expect to hear something other than the simple “im okay”…no one. Do you wanna know who hits up myspace or facebook…no one.
Today I did a test. I did not pick up my phone not one time to call, text or send anyone an email. I let it sit here on my desk. You know how many txt messages are in my inbox?? Zero. You know how many incoming calls I got today?? Zero. You know how many emails I got?? Zero. You know how many people reached out?? Zero. One person txted me to ask me if I did what she asked me to do and I deleted her txt before I even thought about responding. And for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of the year… I will not pick my phone to dial anyone’s number. I aint texting no one that aint texting me and I def aint offering no words of encouragement. Truth be told, I’m tired… I feel like I give and give and give, not just my time but my money and my energy and my resources so that everyone that I care about can be okay. But who stops for two seconds to make sure that Tanae’ is good?? No hard feelings, I’m not mad. Just a lil fed up with the same stuff. When I get to a point where I feel like someone actually cares enough to give back to me then I’ll revert back to old ways. A simple thankyou that is truely sincere would do the trick but I dont get that either. So all the people that got used to Tanae’ being there when there was trouble… sorry for ya. For all you that grew accustomed to my phone calls every other week just to let you know I was thinking about you… sorry. For all you that looked forward to my text messages and emails… sorry. You can only drink from a well for too long before it becomes empty… im runnin on E so I’ll see yall on the flip side. Does this mean that I dont care?? Not by a long shot, it just means that I have to stop giving of myself in order to help others when I need that strength to pull my own self thru.
Peace:: Tanae’ A.
And for those of you wondering, I’m not looking for handouts. I dont want anyone to read this and then just pop up sending me txts and phone calls and junk. Thats not the purpose. My point is to stop giving of myself to a point where I run out of fuel. I have done perfectly fine getting thru life on my own for twenty years and ill do just fine the rest of the way so dont get that part twisted. I have never expected anyone to be there for more than a short period of time and so I wont start now. I just have to create a balance but right now im stepping back completely. Just dont think I need you or anyone else to cater to me like some child because that is not the case at all…
Tanae’ A.

—>friends<—

Posted in bills, friends, help me!!, hurt, issues, mommy, people I love, phone, when everything goes wrong by Tanae' A. on January 23, 2008
Yesterday night I was really having a moment and it probably is not that serious to any of you but it is important to me so I’m sharing it…
As you all know I broke my phone on Saturday and the past three days have been spent filling out paper work and talking to people about getting a replacement. It was a stressful process but when I finally got to the end I was relieved. For some reason I thought that they were going to bill me for the replacement phone instead of requesting in on the spot so I was kinda upset when they asked for it last night. When I realized that I didn’t have it I got really upset because I didn’t have anyone that could spot me the money. It kinda pissed me off because when anyone needs money I’m the one that they come to. I give and give but it sucks that when I need something I have no one to turn to. I know that if I wouldn’t be there for so many people I would have had the money in my account when I needed it. But since I didn’t have it I attempted to call my “best friend” because I knew that she had money stashed away. Now, like I just said, I am always the one to give people money. If someone asks me for something and I have it I will not think twice about giving it to them expecially when I know that they are going to pay me back… check out how this conversation went…

Me –> “Hey, you got some money I can borrow til I get paid??”

Her –> “Not really but I can get it out the bank for you. How much you need??”

Me –> “a hundred…”

Her –> “for your phone?”

Me –> “yeah…”

Her –> “Oh hell no!!”

Me –> “~dial tone~”

Why did I hang up?? And why have I been ignoring her calls all morning long?? Because I’m pissed… If ever in ten million years she ever asked me for some money for ANYTHING regardless of what it is I would give it to her and wouldn’t even ask for it back but here I am askin her for some money to BORROW that I was going to pay back WITH INTEREST and she tells me know because she thinks its stupid. I never really thought that I would ever have her deny me something that I wanted that she had. So last night I was really mad. Not just at her but at the fact that when I need something no one is there to call on except my mother. One thing that I’m beginning to realize in this life is that my mother is my best friend. So, mommy gave me the money and I’ll have my phone by tomorrow but that doesn’t change how I feel. I dont need friends that are just there for certain things. I want a friend thats there for everything and my mom is the only one that is there on every level. I love my friends to death but I guess now I know that there are boundaries to everything but that sucks when I dont put restrictions in my friendship.
So today I am so thru with people who are so called friends… I just need a break from it all and I’m spending more time with mommy dearest whome I love so very very much.

Lawd… not another birthday

Posted in beauty, birthdays, celebrations, complaining, get ya mind right, help me!!, issues, life, pain by Tanae' A. on November 8, 2007

In exactly seven days I will be celebrating my birthday. YaY me!! NOT!! On Nov. 1st I was a lil bit excited. Actually, the whole first week of Nov. I was excited, but now, I could care less. I think the entire incident with my NanaBoo kinda threw a lil hex in my excitement. But anyways, I am going to get excited very soon so that I can actually have a good weekend. But I am not looking forward to the day AFTER my birthday… why?? BECAUSE I’LL BE TWENTY!! I feel like every year I just keep getting older and older and its like I am finally not a teenager anymore and it’s depressing!! LoL!! I dont want to reach twenty, you can keep ya 21 party and please prolong 25 for as long as possible…i want to remain a teenager!! I dont really have a problem with growing up I just have a problem with getting old. I mean, I be having back aches, pains in my knees… my legs be falling asleep. By the time I hit 30 I’ll be frickin gray with atheritis all up and down my bones… I’m not ready for that yet. I gosta keep it young and on point. I mean, I do have a few good genes in the fam cause God knows my NanaBoo look good for 76 but I aint trying to be bent over backwards with cramps and muscle aches!! I wanna be 56 and still looking and FEELING great. Maybe I’m thinking too ahead of time but when I see 20 my mind thinks 50… cause thats how fast its gonna come. So I think I’ll start trying to take care of myself now so I wont have to pay later. Maybe if I start trying to eat healthy and exercise more than I wont have so many problems in ten maybe fifteen years.

Let’s pray that I can keep up cause I am the QUEEN on unhealthy!! LoL!!

Tae’

im trying to trust Him…

Posted in emergencies, family, G-D, healing, help me!!, hospitals, hurt, love, people I love, when everything goes wrong by Tanae' A. on November 5, 2007

So, friday night was fun just like any other friday night. I did nothing but chill with my besties and eat sketti all night. I went to see Vicky-T for a while and she seems to be holding up pretty good. But, it was all fun… a great night. Then around 6:30am we get the call that put me in a funk. My Nana had a stroke. I dont think it registered at first, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up went driving and then went to the hospital and thats when it hit me. MY NANA HAD AN EFFIN STROKE!!! It’s been hard seeing her like this. To know that there is nothing i can do. Is she going to pull thru this okay?? I think she will. but its going to be a long hard process and everyone is going to have to be strong for her.

I told myself last night, after being at the hospital practically all day, that no matter what happened I would continue to have faith in God. I’m trusting that He will bring her thru this alright and things will go back to normal but even if they dont [go back to normal] i still wanna know that He is still God. No matter what happens… he’s still faithful. And even when none of us feel like being strong anymore I trust that He’s going to be there to help strengthen us. But right now I dont need him to be my strength, or my friend, or my confidant or even my provider… right now I need him to be her healer. I am unimportant. My needs are not what matters right now… I need him to bring her some strength so that she can walk again, give her some comfort for those lonely nights in that hospital bed… give her some healing that will help her to get better really soon.

i’m trying to trust Him… I really am

[[i am who i am]]

Posted in acceptance, decisions, differences, family, friends, frustrations, help me!!, life by Tanae' A. on November 2, 2007

Tanae’

what the h is ACCEPTANCE and why is it so important to people?? See the five letters above?? Well, thats me. I’m TANAE’ the one and only. But who really am I?? And if you really knew who I was, would you accept me?? A lot of times we go thru everyday making it seem like we really dont care about what people think of us but I know for a fact that is not true. We care what people think of us, we may not care what the whole word thinks but there is still that need to have someone accept you for who you are. I am not the type to need the approval of outside people, I could care less what they think but I need the approval of my family and friends. Thats what I strive for and a lot of times I do it without even realizing it. In the back of my mind I’m always thinkin about what my mother or grandmother or sisters will think about this decision or that one. I always wanna make sure that my besties accept and get along with every new person that I meet and I do it without even thinkin about it. There has not been one person that I have talked to that has not met my bestie.. they may never meet my mother or Indi or anyone else but they will meet Jazzy and Shink. Reality is, I want them to accept me… for me. Last night my bestie said something to me that let me know that no matter what she still got my back. No matter what decision I make or how things turn out she still loves me just the same. Now, only if I can know that I can get that same courtesy out of my mom and the rest of my family… well really just my mom and NaNa cause they are the only two I really care about like that. I wonder. I dont know. Right now I am just confused and I am dealing with a lot right now and I am trying to figure everything out but I dont know how this will end. I dont know what is going on in my heart and in my head… I just dont know.

Ya gurl is confused.

where do I draw the line??

I am a lil bit stuck right now. I am almost 20 years old and I realized that my life is the way it is because I dont know where to draw the line. There is still so much in life that I want to do. I still want to go out and have fun and enjoy myself but there is a very thin line that can easily be crossed. How do I go out and have fun without throwing a hex in my growing relationship with God. Like, next weekend is my sisters 21st birthday party and she really wants me to go. I really want to go. I want to go have fun, dance the night away, chill with some friends and just enjoy myself but does that make me a hypocrite? If I sit in a club half the night and then get up to go to worship service the next morning should I feel bad about it. My problem is, I dont know where the line is drawn. These days I dont even know if there is a line but I dont want to be considered someone who lives two seperate lives. I just want to have fun and I am terrified that I’ll find myself in either of the two extremes. Either I’ll live for Christ and will not have fun at all point, blank, period. Or I’ll have fun and go too far. I dont want neither of those things to happen. I think I deserve to go out and have fun with my friends. I think I deserve to just enjoy myself every once in a while without feeling guilty about. So where do I draw the line??

lets do something to help free the Jena Six

yesterday, i was at work when my bestie called me with some information. she was tellin me about something that she had heard about 6 black teens getting charged with attempted murder for beating up a white boy after they were harrassed for weeks. i didn’t really understand what she was talking about because she had limited facts but i knew that this was something she wanted to do something. she told me that she wanted to contact HebHeb to see if there was anything that we could do.

well, since there wasn’t too much that i knew about this situation i looked it up online and when i read the story of what happened i wanted to do something as well. [in my own words] in a school in Jena LA, there were 2 black kids sitting under the ‘white’ tree on their campus and white students responded by hanging nooses on the tree. after quite a while of racial tension, and harrassment by white students, a few black kids beat up a lil white boy who was part of all nonsense that had been going on. Six boys got charged with second degree attempted murder. One of the kids already went to trial and was convicted, he will be sentenced with up to 22 years. Let it be known for the record, the lil white boy went to the hospital AND WAS RELEASED THAT SAME NIGHT.

this is ridiculous. there are six kids between the ages of 16 and 18 that are facing a ridiculous amount of years for something as simple as a school fight. i dont know what can be done but i do know that i want to do something to help these boys and their families to get past this craziness. there has to be something that we can do…

ok, im complaining… AGAIN!!

I AM SO EFFIN FRUSTRATED!!

I KNOW THAT I CANT DO EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO HELP ME I COULD DO THIS. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS JUST LOOKING AT ME AND NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME OUT.

I’M STRESSING MYSELF OUT BECAUSE THERE’S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO WAIT AND PATIENCE IS NOT MY THING. I’M TRYING, GOD KNOWS I AM BUT IM REALLY GETTING TICKED OFF BECAUSE I WANT SO BADLY FOR THIS MONEY TO FAL INTO MY LAP.

IN THE MIDST OF ALL OF MY HYSTERIA, I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I CANT REALLY DISCLOSE ANY INFO BECAUSE I DONT KNOW FOR SURE IF THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT. BUT JUST KEEP PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WORKS IN MY FAVOR. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THIS MONTH, ALL OF MY MONEY ISSUES WILL BE STRAIGHTENED OUT AND I’LL BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BESIDES JUST STAY IN CONSTANT PRAYER CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW CRAZY THIS SITUATION IS MAKING ME. I KNOW THAT I WILL GET THRU THIS (on my own) AND I WILL THEN HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.