happy.sad.kinda glad.

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 18, 2008
today muh almost favorite goonie, KRiS, is coming down and ii am so so so excited. ii havent seen her in too long and we can finally have a REAL gurls night with ALL the chix. and muh goonies, JesSA, is celebrating her birthday on tuesday. ii know its so unethical to party on a tuesday night but we are going to p a R T y ! ! ! !
my lil cuzzo Sedi and their fam is going thru. the next few days are going to be hard for them but more hard on her than anyone. she’ll be okay tho. she just has to remember to trust GoD thru it all. ii know how much Jasmine meant to her. she was more than just a pet, she was a part of their family and she will be missed. Love You Miss Moo Moo lol.
my lil sis Dre is going thru right now too. she’s tryin to put on her gangsta face but ii know she’s afraid of what the outcome is going to be. ii think she feels okay knowing that she has us there to support her no matter what. she’s gonna be alright…ii believe that.
there’s a chik that ii lovezz with ALL my heart. her name is Crystal. a few years ago we became really close thru a ministry that we were trying to start. Crystal is strong. she can make it thru anything even when she thinks she cant. im praying for her. not that she gets thru, because ii know that God is already bringing her thru, but im praying that she holds on to that strength and more than that im praying that ii may be a help to her during this time.
TroyBoy ::sigh:: ii wish ii could just leave it at that. TroyBoy is leaving me. he is going to VA for a job and part of me is happy. part of me is sad. part of me just doesn’t care. happy:: because its something good for him. a new start and a clean get-away from all the craziness here. sad:: because he’s not here in b-more. so its not that simple on days that ii want to see him to just say come over lets chill. indifferent:: because we are both at a point in our lives where we are pretty much going our own seperate ways. if he were to stay in b-more ii would be leaving him behind and if ii were to stay where ii am he would be leaving me. but we both are moving forward with life and maybe one day shit will follow thru but for now we just trying to live life the best way that we can. the other day he pretty much poured his heart out to me. i’ve known how hes felt about me for some time now but when you hear the words its somehow different. ii didnt know how to tell him that ii love him too. ii didnt know how to tell him that somewhere in my heart is a space for him. maybe one day ill be able to tell him that but for now im okay with how things are.
ii talked to LeyLey the other day….so how did that go?? fairly well. how do ii feel about it?? okay ii suppose. will it happen again?? no. ii told her that she can call me before ii leave and that ii would answer just for her but if she just so happens not to call… ii wont be seeing her or talking to her EVER again and honestly…thats a relief to me. it hurts of course but ii feel good about it. ii feel that same relief for that one other person whose name ii refuse to speak out loud. ii feel like for so long ii was the one being left behind but now im not. now im the one doing the leaving and sooner or later that is going to sink in. and when it does. ill be long gone. damn.that feels super good lmao.
last thing and then im done. Nas has a new cd out as of last week. DO NOT SLEEP ON NAS. seriously. that dude is dope boy fresh. he is hottness. straight up…NAS IS A BEAST!!! cop his cd. you have got to hear it. put the carter three to the side for just a minute and let that Nas just rotate a lil bit. see if it aint realness.

a void that cant be filled

Posted in love by Tanae' A. on June 13, 2008
nothing can fill the void. not even muh papa. ii miss him.thats all to it. but.ii guess it dont matter either way. ii just wish he knew how much ii really do love him. ii try to tell him but somethings just cant be explained. no matter how much ii say it its still impossible to convey it because you cant put that into words. no matter who comes along…dudes come with the quickness but NO ONE in the world can take his place in my heart. no one has even made it into my heart. ii just want him to know and understand. until the day ii die, ii will love him. aint nothing changing it. no matter where this life takes me or who ii end up with…James Harrison Wells II will have my heart FOREVER.

Rest In Peace

Posted in love, people I love, R.I.P Askew, R.I.P Brielle, R.I.P Cornell, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 10, 2008
in four days we will get together to celebrate the birthday of Brielle C. Newland. unfortunately this angel will not be here to celebrate with us but we all know that she is in our hearts forever. and ii know that she would want Rye enjoy their birthdays just like they would if she was here. Happy Birthday Bre. You are loved and missed beyond belief.










Tawana:: ii was looking at the pic of you that Brandy had and ii couldnt help but laugh. ii remembered one of the last days we spent together was at the birthday cookout and ii had on my shades… you tried so hard to pull my card in front of mommy. ii threatened you so many times that night but ii would give anything to go back to that day. ill never forget that last night before you went home and you was just talking about life and Sherry on the way to the lion. ii never thought that would be our last night together but ii know that everything happens for a reason and ii know that ii will always remember that weekend. you were the best and ii miss ya crazy self. ii promise, every time ii sit at that computer ii think about you struggling tryin to put it together lmao. love those memories. love you. Rest In Peace, we’re gonna make this a good summer.
Cornie and Bishop:: thank you so much for being with us on sunday. we had so much fun and everything turned out wonderfully. ii know you guys played a part in that. ii know yall are watching over me so yall know everything that is going on down here. just help me to keep praying because im not really sure whats gonna come next and every time ii think about it ii think about the promise ii made you guys. ii kinda know that it wasnt just abouto the choir. love you guys to death and ii wish you were here but ii know that you are in a better place. you guys are the best ever.

healer….thats what HE is

Posted in family, friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on June 6, 2008
for some reason right now, ALL my gurliezz are going thru their own struggles. they all need someone to lean on, someone to understand, and some God to heal. all their issues are different, all their needs are diverse, but their hurt is all the same. and here ii am, sitting here trying to be strong for all them because reality is, im just on chills. everything is going great on my end. im getting blessings galore and maybe that lil thing a week ago that seemed so weird at the time was just God preparing me for this week’s problems. today im trying my hardest to be there for all of them and most would find that to be impossible but ii can do it. things work themselves out. and just like ii told them all, God heals all broken hearts, all wounded spirits and all troubled minds. ii pray for each of their situations, ii pray that they keep the faith and ii pray that God does a work even now. ii dont know what tomorrow is going to bring but ii know that those girls have each other to lean on… they got some chix that are there for them no matter what. and even if all we have to offer is a shoulder to cry on then so be it. ii trust Him to heal all hurt, calm all spirits and bring peace to every mind. ii trust Him. He’s gonna do it, He’s gonna have His way and He’s gonna have each and every one of them stronger because of what they have had to endure. pray for my gurlzz…pray for their families…pray for every single person that they come in contact with in the days to come. pray that they remain strong through it all and when all else fails, pray that they have what it takes to call on the name of JESUS when they have no one else to call. ii love those gurls, all of them…from the bestie all the way down to the cunt…ii love them all and ii know that they’ll ALL  be okay.

my take on relationships and marriage

Posted in commitment, love, marriage, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
ii have never ever been the relationship type. it has just never been for me. my longest, most stable relationship started when ii was in 6th grade and we were only allowed to see each other monday thru friday for the fifteen minutes that were in between classes. such a wonderful relationship i tell ya. lolzz. anyways, we were pretty much together until the 11th grade and even then the time that we spent together was limited. ii guess ii just love my space. by the time ii got to college ii started dating that idiot and when he was home we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY together but that month or two of every single day was also interrupted by three months of never so ii didnt really mind the constant company. but, even before the idiot came along ii was never the type to want people all up my azz. give me space, let me breathe. we can be friends but ii hate being tied up to one person. perhaps that is why the thought of marriage just annoys me so bad. living with someone and having to see them every single day is not something that ii think ii would like UNLESS THERE WERE CERTAIN EXCEPTIONS. granted, ii do think that one day ii will be married and begin a family but ii want things to work under my conditions. ii want a happy family and ii dont think that people stay happy together after fifty years but ii want to change the game. ii guess we can focus on the relationship part of it first so that you have a greater understanding of the whole marriage thing. most people reading this def. wont agree but oh well, it is what it is.
let me state for the record, ii believe in complete honesty but not monogamy. out of the three relationships that ii have been in, all but one of those consisted of another female being brought into the equation. the first time ii was okay and the second time ii was devastated. the first was with my first ex whome ii loved with every little teenaged bone in my body. but, he told me while we were still together that he was talking to another chick and he wanted to get to know her better. what was my response?? well, there was only one question and one request. do you want to be with me?? yes. and if so dont allow her to take away from the time that ii get which is really not that much being as tho ii feel no need to be around you 24/7. and with that ii was okay. ii knew that there was another chick, ii didnt want to know who she was. ii didnt care that there was another chick because ii was still number one. and when ii felt like ii was no longer number one ii ended the relationship and he finally told me who she was. after that they eventually got together and ii was not upset in the least bit. it was okay. now, the second time that someone cheated ii was deeply hurt, not by the act of sex but by his betrayal. before anything, we were friends, we told each other everything so thats why ii had such a hard time figuring out why on earth he wouldnt tell me that he was involved with someone else. ii would not have cared. ii mean, he was in another state for forever without me so ii would have gladly accepted it for what it was. but, ii had to find out from someone else and therefore ii was hurt by the way he handled the situation. well, this raises a question…have ii ever cheated?? not really. now, in my eyes, ii have only been cheated on once. think of it like this:: its stealing if you dont ask, if you do ask its borrowing. its not cheating if you tell me but when you go behind my back its cheating. so with that said, no ii have never cheated on anyone. ii have, however, decided to pursue other persons while in relationship [[that sounds halfway decent lolzz]] but, he looks at it as cheating because he didnt agree. ii told him what it was, ii like him, ii wanna get to know him. of course, the first question asked is “when you say get to know him does that include sexually??” well, yeah. duh. anyways, ii let him know, either you gonna stay with me or you gonna walk away. he chose to stay. do ii blame him?? no. ii assured him that even after ii “get to know” this other person ii would still be with him in the end and ii kept my word. unfortunately, he stayed with me because he didnt want to lose me and he thought that if he stayed ii would change my mind about the other dude. eventually he walked away [[he came back tho]] because he couldnt deal with the thought of me being with any other dudes. well that sounds like a personal problem. ii am no hoe, no sex crazed fanatic and ii def dont go around just sharing my goods with everybody but ii have a lot of male friends that ii like to talk to and associate with. are all these dudes getting any?? hell no. but ii am still very honest with everyone that ii talk to and perhaps that is why no one stays. ii refuse to be tied down to one person. ii can do the relationship thing but ii want my space. ii want to be able to do what ii want to do, when ii want to do it, and with who ii want to do it with. if you are a good enough person to make it to my top spot then there is no other dude that is going to come before you so ii dont know why dudes be tripin. the question was raised the other day, how would ii feel if my “boyfriend” was messing with another chick. let me make it plain for you, ii dont care. if ii hold the top spot ii know that no chick is going to take my crown and if they do then obviously the crown was plastic from the start. no biggie, just be honest enough to let me know that there is another chick and be smart enough to keep your priorities in order.
now, the big m word. ii really dont want to get married. ii feel like, if im going to spend the rest of my life with you ii dont need to waste all that money doing it. and ii dont want a marriage because so many people have so many rules as to what marriage is supposed to be. marriage is supposed to last, no matter who you marry, it is supposed to last and so you do what it takes to make it last. the woman getting a divorce cant talk about me bringing someone else into my bedroom in order to keep my marriage alive…feel me?? prob not. but the point is… marriages fail today because everyone wants it to be this fairy tale. every one thinks that after fifty years of looking at the same person you wont want anything different. well hello, we are human. either yall gonna agree to step outside the box or yall gonna get a divorce because you catch him in bed with ya next door neighbor. and ill be damned if my marriage is going to be flushed down the toilet just because ii want to act honkey dorey and act like ii dont want something other than what my man has to offer. monogamy is so like…whatever. in my opinion, marriages last when two people love each other. thats it. and as far as im concerned ii can love you while you sleep in a guest room because some nights ii want to stretch out in my own damn bed BY MYSELF… im just saying, if im gonna be married or in a serious relationship then ii want it to be on my terms. commitment is about honesty and loyalty…ii want that. now, the problem would be finding someone who wants the same thing ii want. hhmmm, not too  many men like that in the world. they all wanna cheat and then have the woman all to themselves…lolzz
i’ll say now… sorry if ii offended anyone. if you are in a serious relationship or a marriage and you make it work then more power to you, way to go. but ii just think it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay with someone for the rest of your life and never be with another person. if you are able to do it, ii commend you but ii would suggest a week’s vacation every once in a while for your stuffy life. everyone wants to be single from time to time.

un~complicate my life

Posted in friends, frustrations, issues, life, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on April 30, 2008
Since the beginning of time, TKM has been down for this chick. SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING!!! I met this dude three years ago and thru it all he has been there. But, you all know this already. So what’s so complicated now?? Well, last night he hit my phone up telling me how he is in love with me and all this other stuff…ok, slow ya role playa. what?? I didn’t know what to say cause everything I had to say would sound so rude to him so I didnt say anything. The goonie says that I should drop him now because he’s only going to be stuck to me like a leech. I dont know what to do, he is the only constant thing in my life and I am really happy to have him as a friend but as far as anything else is concerned, I cant go there.
I just dont know.

loving him more && more each day…

Posted in car, love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 29, 2008
well…DuH…im referring to my lil hooptie Bobby Jack. we have done quite a bit of bonding over the past few days and right now ii just want to sit back and admire him in all of his excellence. ii do not wish to sit behind his wheel, ii have no desire to take him anywhere…he can sit in that parking lot and ii just want to look at him. seriously. you would think i’d be happy go lucky…wanting to drive every where the road can take me but nope. ii want to look at lil ol Bobby Jack and thats it. im tired of driving, tired of paying for gas and ii aint even been with him for a week yet. no, im not neglecting him at all, he’s there when ii need him but ii desperately want to hop in the back seat of my mom’s forenza and just ride. ii guess im gonna miss those days of being scauffered around lolzz. but, ii do lovezz my hoop…he is sexylicious. awesome and he’s MINE!! secret:: i think ii loved him more on saturday than ii do today but since its not raining ii love him more today than ii did yesterday!! lol… once we get him all pimped out ill have pic’s up but he is currently undergoing some reconstructive surgery

pay close attention…

Posted in church, family, friends, life, love, people I love, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 28, 2008
this weekend ii learned three valuable lessons about dudes.
first, is that sometimes the good really does erase all the bad. there’s this guy that ii met a lil while ago and he is just the sweetest person ever. ii gues ii was being kinda shallow because ii was so wrapped up in something so small. now, im not too sure what exactly he has been thru, been too scared to ask but he has what looks like a burn on his face. its not grotesque, just a light spot. ii haven’t really seen too much of him because ii was focusing on that one minor thing but ii happened to run into him at the bank on saturday morning. ii saw him and at first ii wasnt going to speak but ii did and at the end of the day ii realized that if thats the only issue ii have im doing pretty good for myself. he’s a cool dude and ii could see me and him being friends.
second, the ones you think is cool are the ones you gotta watch. ok, there’s this guy ii talked to a lil while ago. his name is Avery. and when ii first met Avery ii thought he was nice. good church going boy, loved God, played drums there, good job, okay looking and pretty cool. we talked for a lil bit and then eventually ii stopped talking to him. dont ask me why, it was just something about him that ii didnt want to be associated with. although we didnt really talk or whatever ii would hit him up on aim every once in a while just to say hey and see how he was doing. friday night, it all fell to pieces. he was on aim and this time he sent me the message TELLING me that he was going to come to my house to see me. hold up. what?? uumm, first off, you dont TELL me that you are coming to see me, you ask. second, even if you did ask the answer would still be no. so he asked me why ii didnt want him to come see me and ii said very politely that we are friends…distant friends… and that means you will NOT be poppin up at my house under any circumstances. yall, when ii say this dude went off ii mean he went OFF. starts calling me every kinda hoe in america. cussing me out acting extra young and just flat out disrespecting me. off course ii was pissed but ii just politely signed out of mym s/n and said nothing else to him. he just happens to be the cousin of a chick ii went to school with and she hit my phone up saturday telling me that he was engaged to be married and all he was trying to do was hit… and im the hoe?? yeah ok. he was fake and that was another lesson learned. glad ii followed my instincts on that one and decided not to talk to him.
third, good friends are always good friends. everyone knows about TKM and ALL our drama lol. well, ii guess at the end of the day he is the only constant male in my life. yeah, we fight, we argue, half the time we cant stand one another but when push comes to shove we got a friendship that doesnt get a price tag. thats my dude and since day one, three years ago, he been down thru all the bullshit, sweat tears and everything else so at the end of the day ii got so much love and respect for that dude just because he is there thru all my craziness. and just like he said the other day, we gonna be friends for a long time to come…as long as he dont get on my nerves too bad lol.


in addition to those three valuable lessons ii also learned a whole lot on yesterday::
first lesson: poles run into cars named Bobby Jack!! lmao, ii refuse to go into detail but it has to be stated for the record that the one pole on the far side of the parking lot likes to abuse vehicles so stay far far away from that thing lol.
second lesson:: the ties that bind are stronger than those that can tear us apart. after the detrimental [[really not as serious as ii made it]] fight with the pole, ii went to the besties house. the plan was to go to breakfast before church and so Chelley got dressed to go. mind you, this entire time ii was talking to muh main goonie who was literally, right up the street 6 doors down. did ii ask her if she wanted to eat?? nope. why?? BECAUSE A FRICKIN POLE JUST HIT ME, IM PARANOID AND BOBBY JACK DOES NOT LIKE PEOPLE!!! but, of course Shay decides to text her AFTER WE GET TO THE DINER to tell her that we are eating and then she gets mad wondering why we didnt ask her to go. so of course, everyone blames me. so wrong. ii think she’s over it now cause ii told her we could cooko next saturday and ii would cut up her pancakes lol. that made her love me all over again… haha.
third lesson::  its never too late for change. of course we were late for church and we can blame it all on Laverne [[the besties mother]]. she decided to go to church with us [[praise Jesus]] but it took her eight years to put some clothes on. we sat there, as a family, me, Shay, mommy, Jazzie, Chelley, Brandy, Liz, Laverne, Dre, and Vicky. by the time we left Laverne already said she was coming back next sunday and she would be at the mother daughter tea. it made me think, all of us have been thru hell and high water but yet we were there all at once praising God just for what He is already doing… ii guess some people and things do change…one day at a time.
fourth and final lesson:: Laverne is the BIGGEST trash talker in the history of spades!! we sat down around 8:30 to play a hand of spades. ii promise we only lost because Laverne talked to much crap and it made Jazzie irritated. she couldn’t concentrate on her cards, couldnt think straight or nothing. ii thought it was funny but we are supposed to be having a rematch tonight. ii think ii need to take a rain check cause ii am taking my azz home after dance practice. sistah gurl is tired. we gonna get Jazzie some ear plugs so we can hurry up and womp on these chumps lmao.

i am a liar ~ yes me, a big ol’ fat LIAR!!!

Posted in lies, love, moving on, people I love, Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on April 23, 2008
in the past two years and some change, I have said that I do not care about James Harrison Wells II about five hundred and thirty seven THOUSAND times. well, I’m a liar!! I say that things dont affect me, I’m over him, his stupid lil girlfriend doesnt bother me, he doesn’t even matter to me anymore…LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. I figured that maybe if I tell myself that I dont care, eventually I’ll really stop caring. well, that hasnt happened yet. I know, I know, you all are tired of reading about him and honestly im tired of thinking about him but i just cant help it. I cant get this fool out of my system. Bottom line, I love that idiot. and maybe that makes me a fool. Go ahead, shake your head, tell me how stupid I am. I DO NOT CARE!! I LOVE HIM!! Thru all the bullshit, the betrayal, the lies, the cheating, the fights, the bad times…yes, I still love him. And its not even about the good times fareal, I barely even think about that anymore, it was what it was I just cant get him out of my fricking heart. Its like…sickening. really it is. ok, I am no fan of LOVE…HATE IT!!! seriously. you can keep your story book romance, keep your mushy tears and your little fairy tale ending but its like all that doesnt matter when I see his face. I can be pissed, cause God knows that right now I could kill him but everytime I see his face and that stupid lil smile something in my heart melts, I get butterflies and junk all up in my stomach lol. So for everytime that I have ever said that I dont care or that I am walking away, I was lying. I love him way too much to ever walk away from him. But this time…I think im a lil bit serious. Right now, at this very moment, i’m gonna walk away. There’s no telling what will happen tomorrow or next week but for right now, today, im saying goodbye to him. Maybe he will gain some sense in the very near future and pay attention to WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING but until then im walking away and this is my final goodbye. Go ahead and call my bluff right now if you chose to…yes, Jesus knows im lying. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM WHEN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER HATE HIM?? They say hate is love in its very worst form… I would hate him forever if it meant that i have some type of love for him somewhere in my heart. But, i’ll leave this earth with his name engraved on my soul… and THAT is not a lie. Truth is: I’ll NEVER stop loving that dude…EVER

a sweet lil old lady

Posted in family, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on April 16, 2008
When I was really little my NanaBoo used to always take me and my sisters to see Ms. Price. She was a sweet lil old lady and according to my grandmother she helped to take care of us when we were babies. Of course, I have no recollection of that but if Nana said we going to see Ms. Price then thats where we were going. I remember being eight or nine hopping in Nana car to ride up in Dundalk. We would sit in her living room for about fifteen minutes and just talk and laugh and to this day the only thing different about her house is the extra pillows on her couch. Yesterday I thought about Ms. Price. What used to be a once a month visit has easily turned into a once a year visit and for some reason I want to go see her. As far as I know she hasn’t really done anything that great for me, hasn’t impacted me in any kind of way but yet there is something comforting about going to this lady’s house and sitting with her for a few minutes. There is something nice about the way she prays in that lil old raspy voice. There’s security in them tight hugs that she manages to push out of her and I really miss her. So one day in the very near future im gonna go scoop up NanaBoo and we all are gonna go and see Ms. Price. It’s funny how when you are young you have no desire to even spend time with older people but the more you mature the more you find yourself wanting to be in the company of the elders…there’s a lot to learn from them really even if it is just simply how to talk to God…


Thank you Ms. Price for the role you have played in my life
You are a sweet lil old lady and ii lovezz you