[{GRaViTY}]

but i already knew that

chaos:: that is the one word that describes my entire existence. ii know that every single aspect of my life is pure chaos but somehow ii have managed to find peace in the midst of it. this perhaps, is the reason why ii continue to try to make plans that will never go thru. there’s always something that ii want to do and yet there is always something [[or someone]] that stands in the way of that. so why do ii continue on this useless cycle of making plans and having them shot down?? i dont really know. but ii know everytime ii make the plans that they will never come out the way ii want them to. so this comes as no surprise… ill be home this weekend all by myself. ii misses my shink already. ::tear:: it just sucks to know that she wont be home when ii get there and she wont be there when ii wake up in the morning. she wont be there to tell me which outfit looks better for church or to make me late for dance practice on monday. im PLANNING to buy a car tomorrow and she wont be here for that either. funny thing is, ii know that for some reason ii wont get a car tomorrow and yet ill still insist on waking up way too early in the morning to go look at what they have. then ill be mad and ill write another post about how nothing goes my way. so in order to avoid all of that ill let you all know now that my PLAN is to get a car but we all know that wont happen so ill grab hold of my attitude now and ill let my frustrations out while i have the time. nothing goes my way, but, we all know that right?? lol

well…ii wanna make a wish too!!

if ii could make a wish, ii would wish that the stupid Make A Wish Foundation would not be taking away my sister and bestie for a whole FIVE DAYS!! if ii could make a wish, ii would wish that somehow they could have a different wish so ii could somehow be near them during this exciting time. if ii could make a wish, ii would not be staying in BALTIMORE while they go all the way across seven seas and twenty four rivers to the BAHAMAS!! maybe they should be staying IN THE COUNTRY so that ii can feel a little bit connected. but tomorrow morning EARLY AS CRAP they will be going BY LIMO to the airport to venture off to foreign lands for a very long time. actually, ii am a lil happy cause ii get some time without them and PEACE && QUIET is greatly appreciated but ii dont think ii need five days away from them. nope, five days is way too long. but, Jazzzie deserves this. she’s been thru hell and she survived so im glad that her wish came true. Big Mama and Daddy Dearest deserve this because they have been thru this with her the entire time and this is a great way to reward them for staying strong thru everything. now, shink, ii dont really know if she deserves this lol… i mean, she might deserve a great best friend award. maybe even a trip to the ocean or something like that. BUT A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS FOR FIVE DAYS AND FOUR NIGHTS…um ii dont know if that is sufficient lmao. ii am hoping and praying that they enjoy every single second of their trip and that they return safely home with lots of gifts for me!!! lol. but um, anyways…im going on my own private trip on saturday. where to?? THE AQUARIUM!!! and of course its better than the bahamas…ii get to look at the fish, no one wants to swim with them.DuH!! lol. and ii get to sleep in my own lil bed because that is so much better than a five star hotel suite. and, my mother makes the best pancakes and id take that over free room service anyday!!! hahaha… ok. ii wont have as much fun as them but perhaps a few days with just me and the wifee is exactly what ii need so altho ii am missing them terribly already, ii know that ii am going to have fun this weekend as well. and ii get to do the honors of making the next scrap book!!
so be in prayer for them that they have loads of fun and that they remain safe this whole trip. and pray for me because ii have to drag myself out of bed at 4 am tomorrow morning just to see them off and take pix in the limo….they are lucky ii love them cause at 4 in the morning ii be just rolling over!! ii heart my besties.

the way things are…

Posted in change, decisions, family, money, moving on, Shink by Tanae' A. on February 20, 2008
Let me get this out the way first::
I was reading my posts from yesterday and I realized that there are like fifteen people with all the same names so I need distinguish that millions lol
Kev*Out~ K.James
Kevin~ K.Powe
Ashley J~ Ashley from Syc
LeyLey or Ashley~ A. Stokes
Anthony~ lil drummer boy
AJB~ Anthony Brown
Jessa~ J.Howell
Jess~ J.Powe
Shink~ Shay P.
Shay~ Nashe B.
Yesterday I was thinking about a lot of things and started making plans to actually take a huge step towards I dont know what. I think that t he past week has been so frustrating to me because I feel as tho there are people who dont take time to appreciate now acknowledge the fact that I do more than required. The people that are standing in this circle would look at what is going on and think nothing of it. It doesn’t matter to them and therefore no one is really standing up in my defense or understanding why I’m so effin pissed about it all. At first I thought I was over reacting but every single person that I mentioned it to outside of my family circle has been blown away. Do I think that I am giving or doing too much?? Not at all but I dont want to feel like Im obligated to do anything. There are, however, too many people telling me that I am giving out too much and its not really worth it. Now, I’m stuck right here trying to figure out what decision is best. And of course, I am thinking about everyone’s feelings besides my own. I promised my ShinkButt that I wouldn’t do anything without her. Now, I’m trying to make that move based on my own selfishness and I know that she would be pissed and I would feel so bad. I dont know. I dont think I really have a choice tho, either I keep things how they are and deal with it or I demand a change and deal with the consequences and accept the responsibility.

resolved::

Posted in Shink by Tanae' A. on February 12, 2008

She got my back and life is too much of a COWARD to stab me in my front…

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Tanae’ A.

PizzaMia

Posted in FOOD!!, friends, girls night, good times, people I love, Shink, weekend by Tanae' A. on January 29, 2008
Friday night my plans were crushed because my ride bailed on me last minute so instead of going to Fourth Friday Fundamentals we decided to go to Pizza Hut. We get here and Shay decides that she wants bread sticks and pizza because she’s a fatty. But, we called ourselves saving money and so we took advantage of the Pizza Mia deal where you get three pizzas for fifteen bucks. Mind you, it was only three of us there and after Shay forced us to eat all the bread sticks we really didnt want any pizza. So now we have one and a half pizzas on my dining room table that are probably going to go to waste because by now the entire world is tired of eating our pizzas that we insisted on buying. But I just have some proof and evidence that all my friends are fatties and here it is for all the world to see…fatt-asses-ew1.jpgpizza-pizza.jpg

the best birthday ever…

Around 11:30 pm on Friday night we were in the house with a bunch of people. Playing monopoly and card games and dancing to some music just having a blast. So, me and the besties decide to crowd in the bathroom and sit on the floor and just talk. We talked for about 20 minutes and by the time we got up my booty was hurting like you would not believe but that didn’t even matter. We just sat there [emotional of course LoL] and talked about all the tests that our friendship has overcome. We talked about how we were there for each other from day one. Thru everything that life thru at us we had each other and without each other we wouldn’t be here today. Jazzy talked and talked and talked!! LoL!! She sat there and told Ashley so many wonderful things bout me that I have never even heard her say and at that moment I felt like I was the luckiest person in the whole world. There I was, sharing my birthdy with the three most important girls in my life and it was so worth it. I no longer wanted to go out anywhere and I didn’t have to do anything special because I wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else doing anything else. I had so much fun just sitting in the living room dancing with scarves and walking down by the pier and looking at the stars on the water… its getting up at 8am to go to breakfast and 5 people sitting in one of those photo things in the mall that cost $3 too much money. Its the people that make this life easy that made this birthday the best that it could ever be. I thank God for each of them..Shink Jazzy and my LeyLey…they are my world.

A Happy Tanae’

So… it is now 12:30am Monday morning but my mind is still in Sunday because I have not been to sleep yet. Let me just state for the record…[[i am so frickin happy right now, i mean, i dont think i can remember the last time I have been this happy]] Of course you want to know what is making me so happy…well, let me replay the weekend for you.

FRIDAY::

By the time I got off work, I wasn’t too happy. I was tired, frustrated and upset but thats not relevant right now. I ended up going home and sitting in my room for forever with my brother. I was waiting patiently for my booboo Ashley to come over so that we could go over to my besties house for a girls night. After a few hours her bus rolled around the corner and we were ready to go. We had a ball yall…we danced and laughed and watched some old-as-dirt episodes of comic view from like ’99 and then we went to sleep. I was excited tho because usually when it comes to new people in my life I am so quick to push them away but I felt comfortable with Ashley, I just wanted to be around her and she didn’t get on my nerves at all that night so I kinda felt good about that.

SATURDAY::

We didn’t get in the bed on Friday night til about 5 in the morning and we woke up at 7:30 to get dressed. Mommy was taking us to breakfast!! YaY!! So we go to eat and then we run to the bank to cash my check. Soon we were right back at Jazzy’s house attempting to take a nap. But of course, Jasmine is never ever sleepy so she sat up messing around making sure that we didn’t go to sleep. 11:30 hit and Big Mama was calling me && Ashley to get up so she could take us back to my house. We sat around doing nothing for about an hour and then we left out so she could get on the bus and go home. But, what do ya know?? She misses the effin bus. Now, we’re talking about the 4…you know, the one that comes every hour. It’s now 12:45 and I have to go driving at 1 and I really dont know what you are going to do baby. So she’s sitting in the house by herself [because everyone else was gone] mad as I dont know what cause she’s bored and lonely. Eventually she went home and around 3:15 I was back in the house and Phil was on his way. We all hopped on the bus to go to the mall and meet Ashley then we walked around for a lil bit before heading back out to familiar territory!! LoL!! How bout:: we was seven deep [Me, Shink, Jazzy, Jessa, Phil, Shay, and Ash] so anyways, we all went out to eat and then we parted ways around 11. For some reason around 12 midnight Ashley decides that she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants to sit up talking and acting like a retard for like 5 hours. Mind you, the night before we only got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nap to carry us over. I have no clue what time we fell asleep but in the morning I was tired and mad cause Shay woke us up at like 8:30…like what really was she thinking??

SUNDAY::

I woke up ready for church. I knew what I was wearing and all I had to do was iron my clothes. Thankfully my outfit looked right, all I had to do was switch around the pants cause the ones I had on first wasn’t flowing with the shoes. So, we eat, get dressed and head out the door. Suprisingly we walk into the sanctuary at 10:56 and I was absolutely shocked. Service was great. It was funny cause the whole time we sitting there we trying to figure out who is going to preach so we thinking Bishop is just running late or something…of course he’ll show up. Nope, we was all surprised to see Pastor Ben Long walk up on the pulpit. Slam soon as I saw him I turned and looked at mommy like we bout to get a good word. And what do ya know?? God was in that place so heavy… I promise, I dont even remember the benediction. It was awesome… like, I have seen God move. I have seen things in church that will have me just like “Wow, look at God” but today… I cant even explain it. The word was good but there was something about God’s presence in that place that just made me feel tingly inside… it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m talking a good 20 minutes after everybody was gone out the sanctuary I’m still trying to get it together so that we could go… but I couldn’t. Everytime I tried to make it out of there the spirit of God was just holding on to me with like incredible force. All I can say is, you had to be there to see it or know what i felt fa’real. I have never ever had an experience like that or seen anything like that ever before in my life and it just blew my mind completely. I just wish that I could have stayed right there forever.

But eventually we had to leave so… we went home, changed clothes, ate and headed to Jazzy’s. We were watching some Lifetime movies and I was trying desperately to go to sleep but Ashley lil stpuid self kept tickling me and them other two bamas was so loud it was ridiculous. We played a game of monopoly and around 8:45 we left to go to my house. We stood with Ashley at the bus stop and went back in, talked with Indi for a while and watched a movie while I took out my hair. I just now hopped in the shower and now I am about to go to sleep cause I am exhausted but I just had to tell everyone how happy I am right now.

FINALLY::

I finally feel like everything in my life is falling into place. I have the best friends in the world that help me grow in so many ways. They are there thru good times and bad times… to make me laugh when I want to cry. I have the best girl in the world by my side letting me know that its just life… hopefully I can help her grow. [she told me today that she never felt anything like what she felt in church today and she wishes that she could join… I told her she could with out a problem] hopefully, we’ll help each other in the long run. I have the most wonderful support in the entire world, a wonderful church family that is there no matter what. They are there to give me hug, pray a prayer, offer a word of encouragement or simply life me up off the floor when I find myself half way under the sixth pew..LoL!! Really, I cant complain. And a lot of times I look around at all that I have and I feel unworthy, I feel like I dont deserve it but not right now. I know for a fact that I am truly undeserving of every blessing that I get and I am completely aware of the fact that I dont even deserve the air in my lungs but its different right now. I dont deserve it, I know I dont but God has so much love in Him to allow me to be here today. He is allowing me to be who I am today and I am truly grateful for that. I serve a God that accepts me just the way I am… even after every wrong thing that I have done he still looks at me and loves me and continuously blesses me. He dont look at me and see everything that I have been thru and done and I shouldn’t look at me like that either. My slate is clean my sins are forgiven and I am here today if for no other reason but to give Him praise for bringing me thru everything that I have been thru and to be a witness to those that are going thru. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the person that I used to be.. but I see all that God has in store for me and it gives me joy just to know that I dont look like what I been thru… now, thats a word..

Guys…I’M HAPPY!!!

a good weekend=a bad monday

Okay, its not really a bad monday but…

Friday I really had a serious attitude. It was raining outside, I didn’t feel well and my sister was getting on my last half of nerve. After 45 minutes of standing on the bus stop I hopped on the first thing I saw coming. My mom had to pick me up somewhere cause I got on the wrong bus on purpose and then she had to run to the dollar store. Jazzy persuaded me to go to Jason’s Woods with them so I went home to change clothes. We drove for about an hour and then decided to turn around because the weather was too bad and we were hydroplaning [i learned that in driving school ha] and swerving like crazy. So we settled on going to Red Lobster and we ate some of the best food ever. The waiter was really really nice so we left him a big tip and then we went to the pool hall. Me and Matt shot around for a lil bit while Jazzy and Shay looked at us like we were crazy and then around 1 we got in the house.

Of course I was mad as hell when I had to wake up at 8 on Saturday morning. I got dressed and was out the door at 9. I managed to make it to Amy’s to get my hair done about 10 minutes after 10 and I didn’t leave there til about 1 cause mommy got lost coming to pick me up. So, with a headache and growling tummy, I hopped in the car. I was so hungry that I ate a half of chicken box and some food from wendy’s LoL!! so fat!! But anyways… we stopped at the halloween store so that I could get some stuff for the party I was going to go to. We got back in the house and I packed all my bags and was ready to go. Shink plucked my nerves for 10 hours before we left out the house but once we got to Jazzy’s she straightened up a bit. Once we got there our dacquiris (sp) were done and our food was cooking. We walked next door for a while and soon and very soon we sat down to eat. Ronnie hooked us up with some smothered pork chops, cabbage, spanish rice and corn pudding… the food was on point!! After that, Jazzy helped me get my outfit together and then we left to go to Dougs party.

Since we couldn’t find a ride we ended up walking… let me tell you. I had on a mini skirt, some fishnet stockings, some knee boots, and a lil ass black shirt… that outfit does not mix with walking up the street for 20 minutes in the freezing cold. But, I did it and we finally made it. When we got there it was really early still but there were mad people in there. It had to be no later than 8:30 and half of them were already drunk… it didn’t make no sense. We walked around and talked to everyone for a while and then we sat down and watched these people act like fools. Surprisingly, we didn’t drink anything that night besides the dacquiris (sp) that Ronnie made for us… and let me tell you, it is funny watching other drunk people when you’re sober LoL!! but anyways, we left around 12:30. Got in the house, ate some left over food and crashed.

We woke up Sunday morning ready to go to church. [well me and Shink were ready, Jazzy wanted to stay home] Eventually we got her dressed and made her come and she was glad that she did. The sermon was right on time and I think it was something that we all kinda needed to hear. We went to Golden Corale, laughed with Mommy a lil bit and eventually drove back to the house. Mommy went inside and we sat in the car and took the best nap this world has seen. An hour later we were on our way back up Sycamore and into the church. The choir was on point!! The service was extremely long and I was extremely tired but I still stayed til the end. We walked up the street and helped Jazzy with her project that she waited til the last minute to do. By the time we were finished it was 10:30 and I was beat. I went home and hopped face first in the bed and was pised when my alarm went off this morning.

I was so tempted to not come to work because I really feel like crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I think I have a fever and I just do not feel good at all. I will probably end up going home early cause if not I do not think I will make it thru the rest of this day. It is freezing cold outside so I was really mad when I walked out the house this morning. Lucky for me, I put on a sweater and some boots and a scarf cause if not I would probably freeze to death.

I was going to go to dance rehearsal today after work but when I got up I quickly changed my mind. I may just wait and go next monday cause there is no way I am going to make it today. The only thing I want to do is go home and get in the bed… anybody got a thermometer??

a very emotional weekend

I dont really know how to explain this weekend. It was very emotional and very weird but we managed to get thru it. We actually had plans for friday. The dungeons was on our list of things to do but it was closed because of the rain so we ended up going to this other haunted house. After standing in that line for about 10 minutes we realized that it wasn’t worth it because it looked like it was for a bunch of little kids so we sold our tickets and left. So it turned out to be a girls night. We got a few drinks and sat around to play cards and that’s when it all started. We are sitting here talking about nothing in particular and then we just started talking about life. About everything that we had to get thru to get to where we are. Talking about all the poeple that weren’t there and how we were going to learn from their mistakes. We talked about everything that was hurting us and everything that we wished we could change. We talked about so much stuff and then we realized how absolutely blessed we were. We are here, all of us and we are doing damn good. We were sitting around all of us trying to be something better and this is what we have to be proud of. Sometimes we cant be proud of our parents or our family members but we are proud of ourselves because we were strong enough to make it thru every thing that the devil threw at us and we did it with the help of God. So this Friday night gurls night turned into a full blown praise party right there in the house. We sat there for at least an hour just praying and praising and thanking God because we made it to where we were and we are so blessed because we are here. It was a moment that I will continue to replay over and over again in my head for a long long time. It was just that special.

But anyways, we woke Saturday morning and we wanted to cook breakfast but everyone had something to do and in order to get to our various destinations we only had time to shower and get dressed before we were out the door fast. I went home, changed clothes and then got prepared to go driving. [my driving lessons are not up for discussion… LoL!! I’ll tell you about them when all my hours are complete and that will not be til Nov. 10th] I came home after two hours and sat around doing absolutely nothing. Finally my friend Smurph came over and we hung out all day not doing nothing until we decided to go see Jazzy. So me him and Shay hopped in the car and we were on our way. The visit started out a lil shakey cause everyone was getting on everybody’s nerves but after about 10 minutes we were all good. We played cards and ate a lil til about 1 in the morning and then we went home. I hopped right in the bed and was out like a light.

I did not want to wake up at 6:30 the next morning but I dragged myself out of the bed anyway. I put on anything and was ready to go by the time 7:45 hit. We hopped in the car and road up the peninsula at top speed and by the time we got to the church I was ready to go back to sleep!! LoL!! We went inside and the guest person who came, no I do not know his name, did really well. I really enjoyed their lil mini concert and sooner than I thought we were out the door. I talked for a bit then went up the street to grab a bite to eat. I recieved a phone call to let me know that there was no sunday school but I still came back down a lil early to talk to my peoples. I sat around for a while, laughed, joked, had another conversation about school and then we headed into service.

The service was good. The choir was great. The sermon was on point. But for some reason I felt disconnected… I wanted to be focused and I tried really hard but there were so many things on my mind that posed as minor distractions. When church was over we made a speedy exit so that we would be at NaNa’s house on time. On the way out I got a hug from someone and that was all the confirmation that I needed that a certain issue has been resolved. It felt good to finally have this woman acknowledge my presence and I walked away with a smile on my face. We went to NaNa’s house and waited because, of course after we rushed to get there, no one was ready. We went out in the tent to eat and have fun and eventually we went back home. While we were waiting for everyone to come and the food to get ready me and Jazzy had a really nice conversation… we just talked about things that we have never talked about before and I got a chance to actually tell her some things that she never asked and I never told. We got in the house and watched ‘Georgia Rule’ which was really good and then she left. I went upstairs to my room and I just thought about a lot of stuff. I finally went to sleep way after my bedtime and here I am on this monday evening ready to go home and watch Why Did I Get Married…

I purposely left all of the emotional things out. There are two reasons why I did that. 1. I have already talked about this with my second mother and it nearly brought me to tears at work so therefore I do not wish to discuss it anymore today… or until ultimately forced to deal with the situation at hand. 2. It is all kinda tied into one thing and the one thing that is at the root of all this craziness is not mine to discuss. Yes it involves me because it involves someone that I love very much but if that person just happened to browse by my blog I dont think they would too happy about their business being exposed.

I dont think it is going to be an easy week… it is still monday. I think I am anxious for the weekend to come because its my sisters 21st birthday and my TroyBoy is going to be at the party. This just gives me and excuse to see him without really letting him know that I want to see him. And I can flirt with him and make out with him all night which is always fun for a girl to do!! 🙂 This weekend is also my besties birthday so you know we bout to really have some fun.

The Half That Makes Me Whole

Posted in blessings, family, friends, love, Luvli Ladiez, people I love, Shink, sisters by Tanae' A. on October 18, 2007

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I absolutely love my Shink!! She is the bestest thing in my life and I know that no matter what happens or where life takes us she will always be there. In case you dont know Shink is my twin sister. She is everything that I am not and everything that I am… I know thats weird but she is. She understands me and puts up with me every single day and I could not picture life without her. She is my absolute best friend in the entire world and I just adore her so effin much. She’s funny and silly and she makes my bad days good. She also makes my good days bad but thats part of the reason why I love her so dag-on much. She keeps me in check and she’s always got my back. She’s crazy in her own little way and I really cant say that I love her enough. I really cant describe what she is to me because she is everything. She is my heart, she is me. I am her. We are conjoined at the hip and nothing or no one could seperate us. I will love her forever until the day I leave this Earth and if I die before she does I’ll be the guardian angel that helps her thru every day. She is the blessing that I dont deserve. She is the strength that I so graciously need sometimes. She is my shoulder to cry on and the force that keeps me grounded. She is my hug when I am lonely and my smile when I am pissed. She is my everything. I dont know what God was thinking when he sent me her but he must’ve known that I would be incomplete without her. He must’ve known that I would be a half of a person if she weren’t there. I thank God for her life every single day and if she were ever taken from me I really just dont know what I would do. There would be no reason for living without her because she is my air… she’s my reason to go on. She is my smile when I am forced to wake up every morning. She is my late night conversation when I cant get to sleep. She is my sanity when I seem to have lost my mind. She is the half that makes me whole and no words in the dictionary could ever say how much she means to me… she is the most important person in my life, she is my life. I love her more than life and without her there is no life.

This is my ShinkyShay!!

[everyday i am going to write about a certain someone who is something like a necessity in my life… today is Shink tomorrow will be my brother Phil]