my letter to a friend…

Posted in decisions, determination, drama, friends, frustrations, Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on December 27, 2007
sometimes we do things that try to help other people but our actions come back to bite us. sometimes we walk away from certain situations regretting everything that has happened. sometimes people dont take time out to realize that your intentions were good, but instead they blame you for someone elses faults. am i responsible for everything that has happened over the past few weeks?? probably so. i can take that tho. i can accept the fact that all this has come from one simple conversation but i cant say that this is what i wanted. at the end of the day, i wanted to do something good but i guess my intentions have gone ignored. so from today on i am excusing myself from the situation. i just cant deal with the drama. you say that no one is to blame but yet you coming at me like this ish is my fault. really, i’ll take the blame. i’ll be held accountable for everything that has taken place and you can go on with ya fake story book romance but sooner or later the truth is going to bite you in the butt. truth is, there’s a good chance that i was out of line and so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i shouldn’t have spoke the truth when it was asked of me so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i should have just continued on with my good talk and encouragement because maybe then you guys would all be happy bout everything. so i’m sorry, really i am. im sorry for being real. im sorry for telling the truth. im sorry that the people you deal with are fake and you had to find out this way. im sorry that things caused problems for you. im sorry that some friendships are ruined. im sorry for not being this fake ass person who’s willing to smile in ya face and watch shiesty people walk over you. i know now that maybe in the future i should just keep my mouth shut because that would just make a better life for everyone. i know now that some people cant handle truth and would much rather live in ignorance as if deceit doesn’t have a face. i know now that some people dont appreciate or acknowledge when something was done to help them. so i’ll pack my shit and go. i’ll take all the havoc that i have caused and i’ll toss it out the window. i’ll walk away and allow you to go back to your blinded reality of what love really is. i dont blame you and i’m not mad at all, i’m just a lil bit frustrated with the way things turned out. i know that sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, i’ve been in your shoes plenty of times. so i wish only the best for you. i wish that you would give it your best shot and do what it takes to make things work the way they should. i wish that you would get what you deserve and thats nothing more than a smile on your face and happiness in your heart. but more than that, i hope that when you finally realize the truth it doesn’t hit you too hard. i have never regretting helping someone until now but it is what it is i guess. there’s nothing more that i can do or say to rectify the situation and so i’m doing the one thing that everyone would appreciate… im walking away. i cant undo whats been done nor can i change the past but i truely wish that you would have a great future… you deserve the best and maybe what you have is the best for you. 

my brudder, my Dilly, my best friend && R0(k$t@R

Posted in family, friends, life, people I love by Tanae' A. on December 26, 2007

Yesterday, I realized [[not for the first time of course]] how much i absolutely love my brudder Dilly. We talk about each other and curse each other out all day long but he is like my life and i love him with everything I have in me. He is mybestfriend and I am his, he is there for me when I need him and I try to be the best for him.my-dilly.jpg 

Yesterday something happened that kinda threw him for a loop and I was the only person he called. I was pissed at the moment cause I was trying to sleep but now I realize the role that I play in his life. I am there to listen to all the crap that no one else will listen to. He’s there to listen to me nag and bitch about everything that even besties wont listen to and I love him to death for it. I need him in my life and I would give up my life for that lil boy and he knows it. He is the best dude in my life and I thank God for him every day that I am on the earth. No one could ever take his place and if I ever lost him I think I would just go absolutely crazy… LOVE U DILLY!! MUAH!


a CHRISTmas to remember

Posted in family by Tanae' A. on December 26, 2007
its the day after Christmas and i am happy to say that it was a great day. everything went according to plan accept the fact that i wasn’t able to go to church cause my fam didn’t leave my house til 11:30 and there was no way that i would have time to clean up behind them, shower and get dressed in 30 minutes. it was just not gonna happen. but anyways, i think i enjoyed being at my uncles house more than i thought i would. as always the food was on point and i was in it for seconds, thirds and a take home plate lol. my NaNa had so much fun watching all of my lil cousins act like fools in the living room and i engaged in a very intense hand of spades… [[me and Shay will gladly beat anyone who think they big enough to step to us lol]] by the time 8 rolled around we were all tired and ready to go. we hopped in the car to head home and then we all crashed. i was upset to have to come to work this morning but i know that we have pictures and memories and laughs to last us until this time next year. i just really thank God not only for His son that came to give us life but also for my sexy shamookie NanaBoo who brings joy unspeakable to our lives. all my cousins and aunts and uncles weren’t with us this year, some are in other states, some were with other family but whatever the reason is i want it to be known that i missed them all greatly and i also had fun with the cousins that i haven’t seen in forever. no matter what happens or where we go or what life throws at us… we will always be family and we will always have love strong enough to keep us all together.

a very merry Christmas

Posted in family by Tanae' A. on December 24, 2007

this year wasn’t like the years before. i was not in the Christmas spirit at all and i really didn’t want tomorrow to ever come but now i am just a little bit excited. my mother forced me to go shoppin this weekend so i purchased gifts for everyone and splurged a lil on myself. by the time saturday night came i was exhausted from the shoppin spree but i was still excited about the day we call Christmas. this evening i will go see my bestie and give her and chelly their gifts. tomorrow i will be priviledged to sit around with my closest family members at breakfast. they will come from their homes in their pajamas and cook up every breakfast thing that you could imagine. i will go to church and then go to my uncles house with the best family in america. we will laugh and eat and open gifts and fight over a grab bag and then we will go home and crash. unfortunately i have to back here at work bright and early on wednesday but thats okay i guess. i am still looking forward to spending time with my aunt uncles and cousins and more than anything i am looking forward to seeing a smile on my NaNa’s face all day long. this christmas is not about the gifts and presents. there is no real thing about exchanging names or making a big grab bag but its the jokes that we make and the pictures we take as we all open up nothing but gift cards. its the fighting and kicking that we do trying to grab the best things out of the grab bag. its the huge plates of food and sitting around with the cuzzos trying to figure out who made what. its the blessing that allows us to enjoy one another and forget about everything wrong. its our time to be a family that doesnt have problems or issues. its our day to forget that our grandmother is sick, its our day to remember irene, its our day to call everyone out of state and talk as if we really talk with them every week, its our time to be together as one. its our time to stand in a circle and say what we are so thankful for, its time to reflect on a gift given on this day, its time to build memories that will last an entire lifetime. this christmas is about God, love and family… so merry christmas to all..

i hope your days are blessed beyond abundance

ok… i take it back

Posted in life by Tanae' A. on December 20, 2007

ok so sometimes i let my anger get the best of me && last nite was one of those times. i was pissed bout something and then to top it off someone tried to come at me incorrect so i had to put her in her place. i am not nor have i ever been [nor will i ever be] a shiesty chick… i just cant take that charge. you can call me anything you want but you def. cant call me shiesty… i was just a lil fed up last night. needless to say, as soon as i got over whatever i was pissed about, someone else came along and pissed me off even more but i just laughed at that. most times when things piss me off i do things like make all these plans to go off the deep end but im beginning to catch myself before i actually jump. i guess thats a part of growth too huh?? i am currently laughing at the post from last nite cause i dont know what i was thinking lol. anyways… even tho i am not taking the title of –>shiesty chick<– i am on my {NuNu} lol… time to make some changes when it comes to the ppl in my life. im so fed up with being walked on so im putting a stop to it all. if you dont know what i mean when i say im on my {NuNu} then you need to watch ATL… lol

im out

some things have to change…

Posted in life's a game by Tanae' A. on December 20, 2007

this may be a bit angry but its okay cause right now im mad as hell but this is how i feel so…

I am really to the point now where I’m bout to say eff it all. Seems to me like shiesty chicks is always the ones to get to the top so I’m bout to roll with the best of em. Sure, I have always been a manipulator ~no lie~ I have used plenty of people to get what I want but the people that I have used dont feel an ounce of pain so it doesn’t matter. And besides that was the old Tanae’… now things have changed for the better. I guess thats a good thing but not in my book. Seems like once I start really changing for the better I get walked over like a damn boardwalk so I’m to take these suckers 4 a lil trip. The game has just changed… im on some new shyt. Every single dude and chick that trying to play me is going to get played. I’m gonna get what I want from them and then they can stand on the side looking in cause I’m tired of being the damn bench warmer…I got my head in the game. I know how to be shiesty and its really sad that I have to go to this extreme but I’m tired of being a pawn in their game. I’m gonna get them back ten times worst than they came at me and then we’ll see who really gets played. I wont play the dummy anymore so somethings just gosta change.

“assume the position”

Posted in G-D, life by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

For the past few days I have been stuck on the word “reposition”… I didn’t realize til last night that I was stuck on the WRONG word. I have come to notice over the past year that I have already began to reposition myself. I have started making transition in more ways than one but at the end of the day I want to be in the perfect position to do what it is that God requires of me. It just took me minute to see clearly that altho I have not fully assumed the position, I am well on my way. Everyday I think I get a lil closer to being where He wants me to be and so 2008 is not going to be about re-positioning myself. Instead its going to be about staying on the road that I am on. Its going to be about remaining focused on what it is that I am striving to do. 2008 is going to be about continuing to better myself as a person. Growth comes everyday that I wake up. Maturity comes with every experience and no matter what year we are in the goal that I have set for myself is going to remain the same cause nothing else really matters if I aint doing the Will of God first.

So I am here to let you all know that there is no resolution this year. There is no big hype about the new year because the path that I am on now is the same path that I am going to remain on. Of course, there will be some changes made. Of course there are minor things that I want to accomplish but my main goal is just to remain in the position that I am in right now. Right now I am still eager to better myself, I am still eager to be in the presence of God, I am still eager to help those around me, I am still eager to do major things in my peresonal life, I am still eager to go back to school, I am still eager to wake up to endless possibilities and therefore I am still in the perfect position. There is no big fuss about a new year cause my new day has already began…

sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Posted in acceptance, drama, friends, hurt, life, love, people I love, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

the mis-education of the negro

Posted in books by Tanae' A. on December 16, 2007

okay so I went into the bookstore yesterday to get ONE book… The Autobiography of Malcolm X…and of course they were sold out. So instead of jus leaving out of the store I see this book by Carter G. Woodson and remembered that it was on Heber’s list so I decided to pick it up. But then they trapped me… in the store with Chunichi the author of A Gangsta Girl Saga and of course the book was on sale. Needless to say I walked out of there with 3 books that I didn’t plan to get that cost 26.15 that I didn’t plan to spend. But who isn’t giving in to a great sale?? lol!! but anyways…

I got this book and I started reading it and I got finished the first chapter and I am not really sure of how I should feel about it. The first thing that I noticed was the year the book was first written and then I was amazed that this black man could write with so much intelligence in such a time. And then I questioned how he knew so much about what it is that he speaks so profoundly about. He is obviously an educated man, and in the first chapter he talks about education so I wonder how he managed to get around or completely walk thru the barriers in which he speaks of. So I decided that before I read any further I would need to go online to read this mans biography. I’ll get back up with yall on Monday to let you know what I find out. This is pretty interesting so far.

Lets just hope I can get thru all 45 books… thats the goal I am setting for myself in 09

in the perfect position to pray

Posted in frustrations, life, prayer, Uncategorized, when everything goes wrong, work by Tanae' A. on December 13, 2007

I was always told that when you get to your lowest point you have no where to go but up. That may be true, but I have learned to take complete advantage of being at my lowest point. You see, when you are at your lowest, you are either laid out because you have given up or you are on your knees trying to somehow get back on your feet. You are either laying prostrate or you are bowing down to Him but no matter what position you find yourself in you are in the perfect position to pray.

Right now, I am a mixture of hurt and angry but I think [well actually I know] that I am more angry than anything. Really, I’m pissed and here’s why. There was a certain someone that I wanted to help. I helped this person, gave them my last and some more but its funny how people treat you. Dont sit in my face and call me fake or anything like it cause I am the realest person that you know so you cant really sit and act like I aint real. Fake is when your words contradict your actions and if I fell into the phony category I would admit it but I am real. I tell it how it is no matter what it is. I dont say I am going to do something and then not do it and I aint never lied bout jack shit so dont step to me like you stupid. Then to top it all off you have the nerve to try and give me the boot… haha!! Okay you funny. But when I erase ya number out of my phone and keep on going like it aint nothing then you wanna come at me with all these apologies… UURRGGGHHH!!! I HATE SOME PEOPLE!! Hate is a very strong word so sorry bout that but I truely dislike the way some people act and carry themselves. I aint staying around just to have anyone act all wishy washy with me. Either you in or you out but make up your mind cause I do not have the time nor the patience for young games.

If you really wanna piss me off… come at me wit a bullcrap apology after you very rudely kick me to the curb and then get mad when I turn you down and keep walking. And if you wanna really really really wanna piss me off… come at me wrong on the day of my Christmas party WHEN I DONT HAVE ANY ALCOHOL IN MY SYSTEM YET!!

Well, other than the minor issues, today was a good day. I enjoyed my Christmas party, got some wonderful gifts, ate some great food, and took some fun pictures with some great people so I am happier than happy and my day is somewhat complete!!