[{GRaViTY}]

uurrgghh…the pressure

Posted in car, decisions, issues, life, money, school, Tae', work, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on May 8, 2008
ok…i’m Tanae’. plain and simple. ii do what ii want, when ii want and if ii dont want to do something then ii wont do it. so why in the world are there people that continue to force me to do shit that ii dont want to do…YES II AM TALKING ABOUT SCHOOL. okay, okay…this is the point where you sigh and hang your head. ii know what the plan was, ii created it. ii know what the goal was, ii made it up. ii know what everyone was expecting….but oh.well. this is whats happening. first of all…gas is exactly three dollars and fifty seven cents as of 7:45 this morning. therefore driving to work everyday would force me to put gas in my tank at least three times a week. now lets average this out and weigh the options. as far as im concerned, a half tank in Bobby is like E so ii never let it get past that middle mark. if im exactly on a half tank it takes twenty to get me filled up. right now, i fill up ONCE A WEEK and that gets me every where ii need to go after work hours. ii also pay for a weekly bus pass which runs me 16.50…we can round that to twenty if you would like. so thats forty dollars of transportation in one week if i take the bus to work everyday. now, with the whole gas thing in mind, if ii fill up three times a week thats already sixty dollars in one week…plus parking. everyone knows that parking is not cheap in the city. so now, take that sixty and add a good ten to twenty dollars to it depending on where ii park at and that is 70 to 80 bucks out of my pocket every week…JUST TO DRIVE TO WORK!! i’ll take MTA. now, what does this have to do with school at all?? the original plan was to go to Sojourner Douglass College, of course that plan was put into motion before ii got my car and the plan was to drive. well, at that time ii wasn’t thinking of the financial aspect of it. anyways, if ii were to go to SDC which is two seconds from my job ii would have to drive to work everyday. so, ii started thinking a lil more reasonably. if ii go back to CCBC ii would only have to drive right up the street from my house to go to class…so after ii get off the bus ii can walk to my house, eat then get in my car and drive three minutes up the street. ok, so whats the problem. really there is none. ii want to go to CCBC and thats where ill go in the fall and everyone is okay with that except for the well-educated older cousin. sorry honey, im doing things my way. ii actually owe CCBC a couple [[hundred]] dollars but that should be in the clear by the time registration gets here. that just means that ii have to start saving up some money so that ii can have enough money to cover books if ii dont get the financial aid that ii am desperately praying for. ii just dont like feeling pressured to do something that ii dont want to do. ii want to go to CCBC and ii am well aware of the fact that it is not a four year college but its a start and if im going back then ii might as well start somewhere that im comfortable. it may not be what you prefer but im going the way ii want to go because thats the road im going to stay on. if ii try to do everyone elses way ii wont finish like ii should so everyone who dont like it can fall back…oh.boo.you this is MY life.

{{heartless}}

Posted in fed-up, forgiveness, im so over it, life's a game, Tae' by Tanae' A. on April 10, 2008
after a while, when one person is hurt and walked over enough they close up. they shut down, put their heart on lock and vow to never ever trust again. after being lied to, cheated on, messed over, abandoned and left alone a person would understandably chose to give up. how much hurt does one person live thru before they become heartless?? ii never wanted to be that person. ii always said, every time ii got hurt, that ii would pick up the pieces and continue on. ii promised myself that ii would always have a heart and ii would always care but ii lied. ii took the heat, ii got thru it and the finished product was there but someone decided to put the icing on the damn cake a tad bit too soon. so guess what:: im over it. tae’ no longer has a heart. tae’ no longer has feelings. tae’ is a closed book. ii forgave everyone that has ever done me wrong, ever lied, cheated, stole, used, or manipulated…i forgave. but im angry, pissed and just plain enraged…forget about the hurt, hurt went out the door along with my heart…im just plain mad. ii was once the nice lil good girl that was there no matter what, and ii was always the one you called, or the one that gave and broke my damn back for you but no more…im thru loving, im thru helping, im thru being there for anyone so here is my apology. ii say sorry to the ones to come that are true because ii will never open my heart again. in 20 [[and a half]] years ii have seen more hurt than anyone should ever see so the shop is shut down…say what you will, think what you want…but until you walk in my shoes and live thru the hurt i lived thru and do what i have done only to have every good deed unappreciated dont judge me. im a heartless chick and i HATE every cunt that wronged me.

doing what you think you cant

Posted in love, Tae', [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 3, 2008
a lot of places that ii go, ii hear people talk about love. a simple four letter word that has so much meaning. love can work wonders but people never tell you that love can be aboused, misused or unappreciated. ii think, thats a lesson to be learned the hard way. ii learned my lesson on more than one occasion but ii always went back for more. unfortunately, love aint as powerful as some people would like to believe. anything that can be walked over, taken advantage of or pushed aside is not as great as we make it seem. but the great thing about love is that it cant be defeated. someone should’ve told me that the people who trust in it can be. on yesterday ii did something that ii am extremely proud of. for the past eight years my mom has been on a journey to kinda find herself, heal herself, forgive herself, make amends with the people that love her but most importantly she has been on a journey to loving herself. ii have watched her grow into this great person and not only has she grown but everyone around her has been impacted by the positivity that this journey has brought to her. on yesterday evening she spoke about forgiving self and loving self and putting self before other people. one thing that i know about my mom is that we are very alike in so many ways. we are both selfless and we both would do anything for the people that we care about. sometimes i am not grateful at all to have this trait of hers. but ii think ii learned a valuable lesson. so many times ii place people in front of me and a lot of times ii tell myself that im no longer doing that but ii end up in the same place that ii started at. ms. dee told me yesterday that when you get to a certain point you learn that ‘no’ is okay. [[well she wasnt really talking to just me but it felt like it]] but she said that ‘no’ is a statement and there is no shame in saying it. right after she said that ii ended a very tiring argument  with someone that ii love dearly and ii said my goodbyes. ii told this person that ii was thru, ii was thru giving my time and energy to someone who didnt appreciate nor deserve. a few hours later, ii told my honey that ii was thru. ii was thru being there for someone who doesnt even take the time to pick up a phone and make sure im okay. im done helping people that take me for granted whether they are friends or something more. im done doing nice things for people that are only out to get what they can from me. “no one wastes my time and/or energy without my permission” [[thanks Heb]] so yesterday, ii started loving me. to be honest, it hurt. it hurt like hell. people never think that its hard to love yourself but for me it was hard. im still learning how to do that. im still learning how to put me first. ii guess ii love me more and more each day but the problem was that for so long ii thought that if ii put so many people first. ii thought that if ii did all this stuff for other people and cared about all these people than at least one of them would do the same for me. ii learned the hard way that it doesnt work that way. right now im okay, im hurt and scared and afraid of whats to come but im still okay. id rather struggle trying to love myself than love someone who cant love me enough. ii think it would be different if they would’ve tried. maybe if they would’ve tried giving almost half of what they took then maybe ii would feel better. but they didnt, none of them cared enough to love me almost as much as ii loved them and so ii had to walk away.
can you imagine loving someone who cant even pick up a phone to call you?? can you imagine loving someone who only talks to you when its convenient for them?? can you imagine loving someone who is only interested in what you can give them?? can you imagine loving someone who, for some reason, decides to walk away right after you do something for them?? can you imagine loving someone who is so quick to ask you for something but never ever mentions paying you back, returning the favor, or even says a thankyou?? can you imagine loving someone who has a bitch fit when they dont get their way?? can you imagine loving someone who claims they love you but their actions dont even resemble love in the slightest bit??
so, Tanae’ is loving Tanae’ and everyone that doesnt love Tanae’ the way she deserves to be loved is on standby. and ii refuse to feel bad about that because for once im putting my own needs FIRST!!! and no matter how hard it is im gonna love me.

a feeling i’ve felt

Posted in acceptance, blessings, him, life, lost one, love, memories, relationships, Tae', thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 27, 2008
yesterday ii was thinking about my life and future and all the things that ii want to happen in my life. ii took time to think about the things that ii have had the opportunity to experience, live thru and struggle with. when ii thought about it ii realized that ii am blessed. not because ii made it to where ii am or because ii have so many great things to look forward to but ii am blessed simply because ii have had the opportunity to experience what some people never have the chance to live thru. one of my really good friends said to me yesterday that most of the people in the world are on a search for REAL LOVE… almost everyone is either on a quest to find love or looking for the love they let go. when she said that, ii couldnt help but wonder which one was better?? looking for a love that you’ve never had or looking for a love that you let go. well, ii fit into one of those categories and perhaps my opinion is slightly biased but ii would have to say it is much better to look for a love you lost.
let me explain::
ii know what it is to experience true love. ii know what that feels like. ii know what its like to have someone take complete control of your heart and soul. the love that ii had was real and no one can tell me any different. when he touched me, held me, talked to me, let me lay on his shoulder, played in my hair, laughed at my jokes, sung with me, wrote me love letters, looked in my eyes…it was real. when he said he loved me, it was real and ii never ever questioned that. ii had the chance to feel that feeling that most people search a lifetime for. so, yeah, ii would much rather live trying to get that feeling back than to live without knowing what that feels like. and even if ii never feel that love again ii know in my heart that God found enough favor in me to allow me to know what its like to love and be loved. and because of that, ii have no problems if ii never feel that feeling again.

im ok…

Posted in G-D, good times, life, morning, Tae', [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 4, 2008
Yesterday morning, I woke up to a very sweet txt message. I got dressed, talked to my mommy and then headed out the door to go to court. From there I went to work and the first thing I did was get some white cheddar popcorn. I flipped on the radio and jammed to 95.9 all day long. Work was cool, I finished up on some stuff and then went out to lunch. The weather was so nice so I decided to take a walk over to Apple Tree. I came back, ate and then got back to work. Before I knew it 4:30 was here and I was ready to go. For once, I was happy that the bus came late because I wanted to stand outside and enjoy the nice weather. The ride home was quick, quiet and peaceful. I walked to 7-eleven for some chips and dip and then went in the house to eat. I sat up in my room talking to my bae all day long and then went to join my sister in front of the t.v. By the time 9:30 came around I was in such a good mood that I was just ready to hit the bed lolzz. Then I got a phone call from someone that I did not want to talk to so I ignored it. Then I got a message from that same person telling me to call them back. So of course I wanted to know what was so urgent to talk about and they went on to tell me that our “friendship” is not working. lol…oh you’re serious. Ok, even that did not piss me off and I was so proud of myself cause I just laughed it off. I called the person back after while and was told that they would call me today. I said goodnite to all the important people and went to sleep. The sun woke me up this morning. Woke me up a whole lot early but I felt refreshed so I wasn’t mad. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, checked my email and was out the door by 8:11. The bus came on time and again the weather was nice. I got to work ON TIME and in such a good mood and part of me wants this day to go soo slow because I am in no hurry to get to tomorrow lolzz. I’m ok. For once in my entire life I am truely okay with everything. I realized that the contentment that I feel is within myself and when I feel ok within me than everything around me will be ok too. So, to anyone out there that is going to try to piss me off today you might as well keep going because its not going to work. I am finally okay and it dont get no better than this. Thank You God!!

i am such a rebel lol

Posted in be the change, commitment, decisions, determination, faith, Tae', [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
I have always been told that if you want something done you gotta do it yourself. So I am taking the initiative and im doing things on my own, with the help of someone else. Why sit around wait for someone else to do what I should be doing anyway. Im going straight rebel and im getting things done and im not taking no for an answer. There comes a time when we have to stop riding the bench and actually get in the game… well im in the starting line-up and ready to go. There are going to be a few people who will turn up their noses at what we are doing but I am believing by faith that there more that will stand behind us and support us…
Y.R.P all day long ya digg
Tanae’ A.
status update:
# of txts as of 020508: zero
# of incoming calls as of 020508: zero
# of emails as of 020508: zero
# OF PPL I REACHED OUT TO: ZERO

standing my ground…

Posted in chickzz, him, people I love, relationships, Tae' by Tanae' A. on January 29, 2008
Last night I had to deal with a few situations that could have gotten the best of me. Aside from being very jealous I am very possessive as well. When I feel like someone belongs to me they are mine and I better come first lol. But really tho, my heart is in Ohio and we both know that we deal with or talk to other people but we never ever talk about it because that would not be good at all. So we brush it off and thats it. He doesn’t know who I deal with and I have no clue who he talks to and thats how I like it. But last night i txted him and we’re having this normal conversation and I asked what he was doing. Okay, why didnt he lie?? Why didn’t he just say nothing? He had to tell me that he was out to eat with a friend knowing good and well that im going to ask who he was eating with. Sure enough, it was a chick. I went off, what the h do you mean you out wit some chick?? Why would you tell me that?? So I was mad for like an hour and then I had to get it under control because I do my dirt to but I dont tell him about it so that was so unfair that I had to know. Then I went home and I decided to talk to my other ex who now is talking to some chick. Ok, lets just state for the record that if anybody that I deal with is talking to someone that is going to benefit them than im all for it but if the people they talk to are doin them dirty then im going off. But anyways, back to the situation at hand, I ended up talking to this chick and she turns out to be this really nice gurl. She has a good head on her shoulders and I respect her a lot. We talked for a while last night, at least an hour or two, and when I hung up I felt really good because I knew that my ex was dealing with someone that was positive for once. Altho I am happy I am also secretly jealous because Im supposed to be number 1 no matter what and I dont want no chick coming along to take what is rightfully mine… lolzz. So I am just a tab bit upset because it seems like everyone that I want is moving on to someone better and I am at a stand still. Well my honey is not moving on to anything better because I am convinced that there is no one as good as me within Otterbein College or its surroundings but thats not the point. I just wanna make sure that no one is a threat because regardless of who comes along and what they have to offer im standing my ground… im still the top chick, the wifee and the honey that has his heart so all these other chicks can fall back lolzz… well except Silk who understands that she can have my boop but Im always gonna be the wifee. I just love a chick that knows she cant take my place, theres something so reassuring about that lolzz.
ok…maybe im trippin a lil bit 🙂

A Happy Tanae’

So… it is now 12:30am Monday morning but my mind is still in Sunday because I have not been to sleep yet. Let me just state for the record…[[i am so frickin happy right now, i mean, i dont think i can remember the last time I have been this happy]] Of course you want to know what is making me so happy…well, let me replay the weekend for you.

FRIDAY::

By the time I got off work, I wasn’t too happy. I was tired, frustrated and upset but thats not relevant right now. I ended up going home and sitting in my room for forever with my brother. I was waiting patiently for my booboo Ashley to come over so that we could go over to my besties house for a girls night. After a few hours her bus rolled around the corner and we were ready to go. We had a ball yall…we danced and laughed and watched some old-as-dirt episodes of comic view from like ’99 and then we went to sleep. I was excited tho because usually when it comes to new people in my life I am so quick to push them away but I felt comfortable with Ashley, I just wanted to be around her and she didn’t get on my nerves at all that night so I kinda felt good about that.

SATURDAY::

We didn’t get in the bed on Friday night til about 5 in the morning and we woke up at 7:30 to get dressed. Mommy was taking us to breakfast!! YaY!! So we go to eat and then we run to the bank to cash my check. Soon we were right back at Jazzy’s house attempting to take a nap. But of course, Jasmine is never ever sleepy so she sat up messing around making sure that we didn’t go to sleep. 11:30 hit and Big Mama was calling me && Ashley to get up so she could take us back to my house. We sat around doing nothing for about an hour and then we left out so she could get on the bus and go home. But, what do ya know?? She misses the effin bus. Now, we’re talking about the 4…you know, the one that comes every hour. It’s now 12:45 and I have to go driving at 1 and I really dont know what you are going to do baby. So she’s sitting in the house by herself [because everyone else was gone] mad as I dont know what cause she’s bored and lonely. Eventually she went home and around 3:15 I was back in the house and Phil was on his way. We all hopped on the bus to go to the mall and meet Ashley then we walked around for a lil bit before heading back out to familiar territory!! LoL!! How bout:: we was seven deep [Me, Shink, Jazzy, Jessa, Phil, Shay, and Ash] so anyways, we all went out to eat and then we parted ways around 11. For some reason around 12 midnight Ashley decides that she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants to sit up talking and acting like a retard for like 5 hours. Mind you, the night before we only got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nap to carry us over. I have no clue what time we fell asleep but in the morning I was tired and mad cause Shay woke us up at like 8:30…like what really was she thinking??

SUNDAY::

I woke up ready for church. I knew what I was wearing and all I had to do was iron my clothes. Thankfully my outfit looked right, all I had to do was switch around the pants cause the ones I had on first wasn’t flowing with the shoes. So, we eat, get dressed and head out the door. Suprisingly we walk into the sanctuary at 10:56 and I was absolutely shocked. Service was great. It was funny cause the whole time we sitting there we trying to figure out who is going to preach so we thinking Bishop is just running late or something…of course he’ll show up. Nope, we was all surprised to see Pastor Ben Long walk up on the pulpit. Slam soon as I saw him I turned and looked at mommy like we bout to get a good word. And what do ya know?? God was in that place so heavy… I promise, I dont even remember the benediction. It was awesome… like, I have seen God move. I have seen things in church that will have me just like “Wow, look at God” but today… I cant even explain it. The word was good but there was something about God’s presence in that place that just made me feel tingly inside… it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m talking a good 20 minutes after everybody was gone out the sanctuary I’m still trying to get it together so that we could go… but I couldn’t. Everytime I tried to make it out of there the spirit of God was just holding on to me with like incredible force. All I can say is, you had to be there to see it or know what i felt fa’real. I have never ever had an experience like that or seen anything like that ever before in my life and it just blew my mind completely. I just wish that I could have stayed right there forever.

But eventually we had to leave so… we went home, changed clothes, ate and headed to Jazzy’s. We were watching some Lifetime movies and I was trying desperately to go to sleep but Ashley lil stpuid self kept tickling me and them other two bamas was so loud it was ridiculous. We played a game of monopoly and around 8:45 we left to go to my house. We stood with Ashley at the bus stop and went back in, talked with Indi for a while and watched a movie while I took out my hair. I just now hopped in the shower and now I am about to go to sleep cause I am exhausted but I just had to tell everyone how happy I am right now.

FINALLY::

I finally feel like everything in my life is falling into place. I have the best friends in the world that help me grow in so many ways. They are there thru good times and bad times… to make me laugh when I want to cry. I have the best girl in the world by my side letting me know that its just life… hopefully I can help her grow. [she told me today that she never felt anything like what she felt in church today and she wishes that she could join… I told her she could with out a problem] hopefully, we’ll help each other in the long run. I have the most wonderful support in the entire world, a wonderful church family that is there no matter what. They are there to give me hug, pray a prayer, offer a word of encouragement or simply life me up off the floor when I find myself half way under the sixth pew..LoL!! Really, I cant complain. And a lot of times I look around at all that I have and I feel unworthy, I feel like I dont deserve it but not right now. I know for a fact that I am truly undeserving of every blessing that I get and I am completely aware of the fact that I dont even deserve the air in my lungs but its different right now. I dont deserve it, I know I dont but God has so much love in Him to allow me to be here today. He is allowing me to be who I am today and I am truly grateful for that. I serve a God that accepts me just the way I am… even after every wrong thing that I have done he still looks at me and loves me and continuously blesses me. He dont look at me and see everything that I have been thru and done and I shouldn’t look at me like that either. My slate is clean my sins are forgiven and I am here today if for no other reason but to give Him praise for bringing me thru everything that I have been thru and to be a witness to those that are going thru. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the person that I used to be.. but I see all that God has in store for me and it gives me joy just to know that I dont look like what I been thru… now, thats a word..

Guys…I’M HAPPY!!!

a very emotional weekend

I dont really know how to explain this weekend. It was very emotional and very weird but we managed to get thru it. We actually had plans for friday. The dungeons was on our list of things to do but it was closed because of the rain so we ended up going to this other haunted house. After standing in that line for about 10 minutes we realized that it wasn’t worth it because it looked like it was for a bunch of little kids so we sold our tickets and left. So it turned out to be a girls night. We got a few drinks and sat around to play cards and that’s when it all started. We are sitting here talking about nothing in particular and then we just started talking about life. About everything that we had to get thru to get to where we are. Talking about all the poeple that weren’t there and how we were going to learn from their mistakes. We talked about everything that was hurting us and everything that we wished we could change. We talked about so much stuff and then we realized how absolutely blessed we were. We are here, all of us and we are doing damn good. We were sitting around all of us trying to be something better and this is what we have to be proud of. Sometimes we cant be proud of our parents or our family members but we are proud of ourselves because we were strong enough to make it thru every thing that the devil threw at us and we did it with the help of God. So this Friday night gurls night turned into a full blown praise party right there in the house. We sat there for at least an hour just praying and praising and thanking God because we made it to where we were and we are so blessed because we are here. It was a moment that I will continue to replay over and over again in my head for a long long time. It was just that special.

But anyways, we woke Saturday morning and we wanted to cook breakfast but everyone had something to do and in order to get to our various destinations we only had time to shower and get dressed before we were out the door fast. I went home, changed clothes and then got prepared to go driving. [my driving lessons are not up for discussion… LoL!! I’ll tell you about them when all my hours are complete and that will not be til Nov. 10th] I came home after two hours and sat around doing absolutely nothing. Finally my friend Smurph came over and we hung out all day not doing nothing until we decided to go see Jazzy. So me him and Shay hopped in the car and we were on our way. The visit started out a lil shakey cause everyone was getting on everybody’s nerves but after about 10 minutes we were all good. We played cards and ate a lil til about 1 in the morning and then we went home. I hopped right in the bed and was out like a light.

I did not want to wake up at 6:30 the next morning but I dragged myself out of the bed anyway. I put on anything and was ready to go by the time 7:45 hit. We hopped in the car and road up the peninsula at top speed and by the time we got to the church I was ready to go back to sleep!! LoL!! We went inside and the guest person who came, no I do not know his name, did really well. I really enjoyed their lil mini concert and sooner than I thought we were out the door. I talked for a bit then went up the street to grab a bite to eat. I recieved a phone call to let me know that there was no sunday school but I still came back down a lil early to talk to my peoples. I sat around for a while, laughed, joked, had another conversation about school and then we headed into service.

The service was good. The choir was great. The sermon was on point. But for some reason I felt disconnected… I wanted to be focused and I tried really hard but there were so many things on my mind that posed as minor distractions. When church was over we made a speedy exit so that we would be at NaNa’s house on time. On the way out I got a hug from someone and that was all the confirmation that I needed that a certain issue has been resolved. It felt good to finally have this woman acknowledge my presence and I walked away with a smile on my face. We went to NaNa’s house and waited because, of course after we rushed to get there, no one was ready. We went out in the tent to eat and have fun and eventually we went back home. While we were waiting for everyone to come and the food to get ready me and Jazzy had a really nice conversation… we just talked about things that we have never talked about before and I got a chance to actually tell her some things that she never asked and I never told. We got in the house and watched ‘Georgia Rule’ which was really good and then she left. I went upstairs to my room and I just thought about a lot of stuff. I finally went to sleep way after my bedtime and here I am on this monday evening ready to go home and watch Why Did I Get Married…

I purposely left all of the emotional things out. There are two reasons why I did that. 1. I have already talked about this with my second mother and it nearly brought me to tears at work so therefore I do not wish to discuss it anymore today… or until ultimately forced to deal with the situation at hand. 2. It is all kinda tied into one thing and the one thing that is at the root of all this craziness is not mine to discuss. Yes it involves me because it involves someone that I love very much but if that person just happened to browse by my blog I dont think they would too happy about their business being exposed.

I dont think it is going to be an easy week… it is still monday. I think I am anxious for the weekend to come because its my sisters 21st birthday and my TroyBoy is going to be at the party. This just gives me and excuse to see him without really letting him know that I want to see him. And I can flirt with him and make out with him all night which is always fun for a girl to do!! 🙂 This weekend is also my besties birthday so you know we bout to really have some fun.

we’re NOT in this together…

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, hurt, issues, Jasmine, life, lonliness, people I love, seperation, Shink, Tae' by Tanae' A. on August 15, 2007

Since I can remember, I have never done too much of anything on my own. There’s always someone there with me, in it for the long haul. But, I guess now things have changed. For once in my entire life I’m forced to do some things on my own and I am pissed about it. Sometimes you never think that you would be standing alone at certain points in your life. But I guess somethings we just have to deal with on our own. I dont want to do this by myself. I dont want to be left out of something only to have to tackle it by myself later. We’re supposed to be in this thing together and now you two wanna do things on your own and leave me standing here looking stupid. But, it’s okay because you always stand behind the one you leave behind.

Maybe this is just a journey that I need to go on by myself. Maybe this is time that I need to sit back and really just take time out to get things done alone. I wrote a post a lil while ago about being alone. It suggested that even when we are alone we’re not really lonely because we have people in our hearts that keep us company even when it seems as tho we are by ourselves. I want to delete that post right now because I’m not alone but I feel very lonely at this point in my life. Despite all the people around me that are there to help me I still feel like I have no choice but to go through the next chapter in my life, on my own. I’m lonely and I think that I’m supposed to be.

I’m just pissed because someone that is supposed to be there is leaving me in the background to do things on my own and its not right. Would I be pissed if it were anyone but her?? No, I wouldn’t. But it is her and I am mad and angry and she knows it. Or maybe I’m just overly sensitive because I’m going thru a lot right now. Who knows, I just know that right now I wanna be mad so I’ll be mad for as long as I feel like being mad.