[{GRaViTY}]

because there’s always tomorrow…

so, of course, my weekends never turn out how ii want them to but ii must say that saturday was awesome!! ii didnt even bother waking up to go look for a car cause ii didnt feel like being disappointed. so, everything was cool with that one. we left the house around 12:30 after the very very GREAT news!! we had so much fun!! we ate, went to the aquarium, and even climbed all the steps to get to federal hill lolzz. by the end of the day, my feet were hurting, ii was tired and ready to go to sleep. needless to say, after the great day the drama began and the night was terrible. we got back around 9:30 and from midnight to around 5:30 am ii was up mad upset frustrated and sleepy as hell. after all the drama was over, ii felt like crap, my head was hurting from crying so darn much and ii still hadn’t been to sleep but there was no point cause ii would be forced to wake up anyway. ii got up feeling so bad, got dressed and was out the door by 9am. we were on our way to church and that was the LAST place ii wanted to be. the drive was super long but ii felt like the further we went, the further away from my problems ii was going. the more we drove, the better ii felt and by the time we got there ii was okay. the service was great, ii got the word that ii needed to hear and ii left out of there ok. we went to go eat and the food was sooo on point. by the time we got back in the car ii was knocked out for life lmao. went home, took a nap, got up, ate and watched some tv before bed. this morning ii woke up so not ready for work but ii came in here anyway. funny thing is, saturday night ii cried because ii was so pissed, hurt and just fed up but yesterday ii cried because ii knew that something better was coming and ii had something to look forward to. its not about whats going on right now, its not about the shit that is literally trying to break me down but ii know that tomorrow will be better than today and so ii always have something to look forward to…
it takes [[FAITH]] to stand but it only takes ~feet~ to walk away…
aquarium pix on flickr

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

Faith In Action

Posted in actions, celebrations, community, events, faith, Faith In Action, men, ministry, prayer by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008

A few years back one of my favorite people, HebHeb, became a radio personality lol. He was on 88.9fm every sunday morning from 5-9 and I would purpose to set my alarm to make sure that I didnt miss a second of the show. For while he was on the air with Phil Deal and then he partnered up with Joi Thomas. Sooner than later he was right on track with Myisha Cherry doing the very talked about talk show entitled Faith In Action. I loved it. Right when they almost hit a year the talk show was off the air. It’s been some time now since Faith In Action graced my Sunday mornings but HebHeb has not been quiet at all. The voice of Rev. Heber M. Brown III has been heard loud and clear and now the time has come again for him to be heard thru my radio. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Faith In Action is back on the air!!! On Sunday February 10, 2008 my HebHeb will be doing his thang on spirit 1400. The time has not yet been confirmed but as soon as I get word I will put it out there for all to see!! Please, listen in, be a support and keep him in your prayers. If you wanna know more about Heb’s impact on the community you can check him out at faithinactiononline.com. I am so super excited about this and I am so proud of my HebHeb…he is a great man and I call him MINISTRY… 

i am such a rebel lol

Posted in be the change, commitment, decisions, determination, faith, Tae', [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
I have always been told that if you want something done you gotta do it yourself. So I am taking the initiative and im doing things on my own, with the help of someone else. Why sit around wait for someone else to do what I should be doing anyway. Im going straight rebel and im getting things done and im not taking no for an answer. There comes a time when we have to stop riding the bench and actually get in the game… well im in the starting line-up and ready to go. There are going to be a few people who will turn up their noses at what we are doing but I am believing by faith that there more that will stand behind us and support us…
Y.R.P all day long ya digg
Tanae’ A.
status update:
# of txts as of 020508: zero
# of incoming calls as of 020508: zero
# of emails as of 020508: zero
# OF PPL I REACHED OUT TO: ZERO

im a big girl now [[or at least im tryin to be]]

Posted in blessings, determination, faith, lets grow up, life, prayer, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 31, 2008
There’s not too much that I really want out of life fa’real. Of course, I want to be successful. I want to do a lot but I have never been the type to want a lot as far as material possessions are concerned. I know how to be content with what I got and perhaps thats because I’ve never had much anyway. Who knows. Right now, my main focus is on getting a car and going to school which I think is pretty much set in stone. In a month or two I’ll have my car [maybe even sooner than that] and in July I’ll be going to school at Sojourner-Douglas. Perhaps before the summer gets here I may even be out of my moms house but we’re gonna see about that. Pretty much, the point of this is that I’m growing up. I’m already twenty and while a part of me wishes that I could go back to sixteen I know that the age will only increase. I dont really want to grow up and do all these things but the bills on my kitchen counter remind me that I am older and am getting more responsibility. Perhaps someone could bless me with a raise..::clears throat:: lolzz
But seriously, pray for me guys. I’m trying to do a lot at one time but with a few prayers and a whole lot of faith I know that I will  be okay and every thing will work itself out. I guess it really is time to be a big girl and do some things on my own… man this sucks. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE SELL ME A CAR PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE JESUS KNOWS I NEED ONE ASAP!!!

the waiting process

“if its meant to be it will happen…” I hate cannot stand stuff like that. Why cant someone just tell me straight off top if stuff is “meant to be”…  well as you can tell, im a bit irritated right now but its only a lil bit. For the most part im in a really really good mood today so I guess we can start with whats got me irritated. The unknown. Plain and simple right?? Not right. The unknown is the most complicated thing in this world to deal with because its just not known…duh lolzz. But I guess theres always something that we dont know and i have learned to deal with it regardless how annoying it may be…
The past two days have been super good for me and I am literally smiling ear to ear because everything has been going soo good. On Christmas day I got into a really big altercation with my honey and I kinda brushed him off very rudely just because I was frustrated with the situation yet again. But on tuesday he actually reached out to me and since then we have been in constant communication which is absolutely amazing for us. Two days withough fighting ar arguing but actually talking about very real issues and helping one another out. It has been lovely and wonderful and great. And, I got to spend a very nice day with the besties yesterday and that only added to my excitement because there hasn’t really been any good quality time in a minute. I am also excited because I am getting to know people. I know that most times that is not always a good thing cause reality is that the people i have gotten to know are not good people but I feel good because now I know who they are and what I want to stay away from.And I feel really good because the past few days I have been taking time out to actually READ the Word of God which is really really amazing because I have been learning new things and I can feel myself getting closer to Him which is exciting. In addition to all these good things that have been happening I am also super overly happy because there is a four day weekend coming up and its a pay week so you know what that means. I get to spend time with all the people who mean something to me!!! YaY!! Tomorrow will be spent with Meek, Saturday is reserved for a ‘friend’, Sunday will be spent in church and with my fam, and Sunday night and monday will be time for the besties to spend some qt!! Isn’t that just exciting.. and I get to go to the movies… Praise Jesus!!!
Even when things aren’t how I want them to be I realize that I have so much to look forward to. Tomorrow, next week and even next year will present so many great things and now is the time to prepare for all that God has in store… im getting there guys, im growing up slowly but surely…

inspired by a life…

Posted in crying, death, faith, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain by Tanae' A. on January 7, 2008

It is always hard to deal with death but for me it is like the ultimate struggle. No matter who it is that we are saying goodbye to, I always find it extra hard to deal with. Death is truely something that i despise with like everything in me and but this time around I’m not angry. Its almost like the famous words “death where is your sting?” Usually, the death of someone can send me for a loop and altho I am really saddened right now I’m also happy. Cornell was a great guy whome I loved dearly. He was always smiling and laughing and he never complained. He showed up and pressed his way thru every obstacle and he had faith that allowed him to praise in the midst of his pain. I remember those sundays when me and Shay would come strutting in and he would give us a wink from the piano and ask if we were okay… he was always so happy. Im gonna miss him and it sucks cause I never thought in a million years that I would never see him again. I just knew that sooner rather than later I would see him make his way into that sanctuary and lead that choir like he always does. I just knew that I would be able to see him and hug him and tell him how much I love him just one more time… but that time never came. It’s sad and it hurts to know that I will never be able to see him again but inside my heart is rejoicing because I know that finally he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Finally he is at rest and I know that he is somewhere in the heavens singing his lil heart out. Oh God, I’m going to miss that voice of his. There will never be another Cornell. There will never be another person that inspires me the way he does. I looked at him with so much admiration because it was amazing to me how someone can go thru so much but still have this smile on their face and this aura about him. There was something about Cornell that you just couldn’t help but love and it was like everytime I saw him I just couldn’t complain about anything because its people like him that make my situations look small. Its people like him that teach me to appreciate life and its people like him that cause me to have faith. Because I know that if even thru everything that he went thru he can trust in God and still praise God and still do the work of the Lord then I know that the same God that kept that smile on his face can keep a smile on mine as well. I will never ever forget him, I love him and I am so blessed to have known someone like him. I thank God for his life.

[[R.I.P Cornell]]

watch over us from your seat up in heaven

no celebration for some…

Posted in death, faith, family, father, friends, prayer by Tanae' A. on January 3, 2008

for most people New Years Eve was a day of celebration. wherever you were you were most likely doing some type of celebrating. but for one family New Years Eve was not a celebration at all. yesterday i decided to hit up my lil cousins phone just to see how things were going. it was her first day back at school and she had been dealing with some stuff last week so i really wanted to make sure everything was straight on her end. when i finally talked to her she seemed like she was a lil down about something and she went on to tell me that her best friend’s dad was killed in a hit and run on New Years Eve. while she was in church praying her way into the new year, while others were partying their way into the new year… this girl [[Casey]] and her family were grieving. i suppose that their day probably started off good. they probably had plans to enjoy their night. they were probably looking forward to 2008 just like the rest of us but how do you wake up in a new year without your daddy there?? how do you say goodbye on the last day of the year?? i dont know [[Casey]]… never met her a day in my life but when i heard what happened i just felt compelled to pray. i had to let her know that as long as she kept trusting in God that she would be okay. I had to tell her that she has the best friends in the world to lean on for support but more than that i had to tell her that people that she didn’t even know were somewhere praying for her strength. i never thought that there would come a day when i would feel the urge to really pray for someone that i dont know but here i am praying for this gurl who has to go thru this right now.

[[Casey]] you and your family are in my prayers and like i told you yesterday, God will never put more on you than you can bear.

[[Sedria]] you are a great friend and i am so proud of you right now. continue to be strong for her and remember that prayer is the solution to everything. you know that you have people behind you and you can always turn to your family for support even when you feel like you are not strong enough to help her. keep trusting in Him.

brooksc.jpeg 

R.I.P Mr. Brooks

&& WE know…

and we know that ALL things work together 

A few Sundays ago we sat in a service that we really didn’t want to be in. I wanted to go at first but once I got in there I realized that I wasn’t in the mood for ‘church’ and so I was only half way paying attention. I was focused on everything but what was going on right in front of me and then something grabbed my attention. It wasn’t the choir’s singing and it wasn’t the man that was preaching, nor was it the scripture that was read but it was the title of the sermon.. “He’s working it out” The sermon grabbed my attention and held on to it for dear life and at that moment in time those four words are what I needed to hear.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was back at work and unable to be by my Nana’s side and that really had me in a funk. I tried talking to friends but nothing that they said made me feel any better about any of it. Finally, I called Jess and she tried to make me feel better but I just ignored everything she said because I wanted to remain in my lil funk. By the time I got home it was dark out [[because the sun is now setting by the time lunch rolls around..ridiculous]] and I just needed to get a few hours of sleep. BUT OF COURSE THE PEOPLE THAT I LIVE WITH ARE LOUD AND RUDE AND WOULD NOT LET ME SLEEP…so I laid there in the dark for two hours thinking and praying and crying my lil eyes out.

Needless to say, today I feel better. I am still not happy about the situation that my Nana is in but I remembered that sermon from that sunday and I know that He’ll work it out. No matter how bad things look right now or how slow the process is… I know that it will be okay because the GOD the my Nana serves cant fail. She always used to tell me that God is still God and no matter what happens that will never change. He’s still God, no matter what happens today or tomorrow or what problems I have… I know that he’s still who He says He is. And I have a lil bit of faith that lets me rest assured that everything really will work itself out and its that lil bit of faith that gonna get me thru the days and weeks and months of helping my grandmother get back to her normal… she has been my strength for so long and now I have to be strong for her.