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I have been bad this week…

Posted in morning, tired, weekend, work by Tanae' A. on September 28, 2007

I dont know what I was thinking but this kind of behavior has def caught up to me cause I’m feeling it now. What have I been doing that is so bad?? I’m glad you are curious enough to ask. I have been staying up late every day this week like I dont have a job.

This madness started on Sunday night when I just decided to sit around the living room watching tv. Soon as 9:30 hit I decided that I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep. Well, this has been the pattern I have been following since then. I have been sitting up like it everyday was friday and now that it really is friday, I want nothing more than to jump face first into a deep sleep and not be waken up until 10am tomorrow morning, to the smell of pany-kakes of course!! hehe!! But, I seriously do not know what got into me… I was seriously staying up til like almost 1:00 am every single night this week, and I wonder why 6:30 come so soon. It felt good to sit up late but I  have made a mental note to myself that I will not, under any circumstances what-so-ever, stay up past 10 at the very latest on a work night. The funny thing is that every single night, everyone has been telling me to go get in the bed cause they know that by 9 I am usually out like a light. I should have listened to them and went to sleep while I still had the chance. Now, its friday and I am exhausted and I dont want to go anywhere or do anything… besides, I dont have any money to do anything anyway or go anywhere so oh well… Driving school has to be paid for in two weeks so there is no way in bajesus that I am even bout to go to some fancy smanchy restaurant, these fools better order some pizza and rent a few movies and call it a night… well, thats just my opinion.

I need to suffer the consequences for showing out this week… my punishment… in bed by 10pm tonight… or better yet, maybe 8… now, that sound reasonable.

awkward emotions

Posted in crying, friends, frustrations, issues, life, lonliness, love, men, money, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 26, 2007

I am a very very ridiculously emotional person… such a darn scorpio. One would think that by now I would be used to this emotional rollercoaster that I seem to always find myself on… but that is so not the case. Right now, my problems mostly revolve around men and money. How sucky is that?? But anyways… the money thing is cool its just that everytime I get ready to save some money something comes along that takes the few dollars that I have left over. I’m not really upset about it because I know that the money that I am spending is being put to good use but I secretly wanna be able to do both at the same time, i know thats kinda greedy but oh well.

My men issue is not eventhat serious but I seem to blow things way out of proportion. I am sad about my honey and I dont want to be but I secretly am. I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m not sad because we’re not together, I’m sad because we were supposed to last. I’m lonely because I was so used to him, I dont want to be with him but now I have to learn to live without him and thats something that I dont really want to do. We have to somehow start over from the beginning as friends. We have to learn to not be a couple and try being acquaintences. It’s going to be hard but I know that its something that has to be done. I am glad that I am at this point but I kinda wish that this was not an issue right now. But things seem to be coming along great. We talk more when we are just friends, I guess because we no longer have these failed expectations. In due time, things will work themselves out for the better. But in the meantime… I’m still praying.

And I need a huge box of tissues because I am overly emotional and for some reason I just keep crying… Hopefully this will be over soon.

Complicated Simplicities

Posted in friends, frustrations, people I love, relationships, TKM Jr. by Tanae' A. on September 26, 2007

Right now, there are not too many things in my life that make sense. I have figured out a lot of things over the past few days. Taken time out to think and pray and get some things sorted out. Some stuff in my life I have completely dismissed but most things I am totally confused about. I am, however, a confused individual… so confusion is nothing new. In fact, if everything were all too simple I would probably go insane so I can’t complain about uncertainties. But one that I really cannot stand is a complicated simplicity. Something that seems so simple but is still so complicated. My relationship with Troy is just that… a complicated simplicity. He is the one person that can keep me leveled… he understands me. I want him, but yet I find myself running for cover. I keep him at a distance and when I get too close I completely dismiss him. I think maybe I should figure things out soon before I ruin the friendship that we have.

Perfectly Flawed

Just Tanae’

I am more than a conqueror!!!

Posted in determination, fighting, G-D by Tanae' A. on September 25, 2007

It seems like everytime I try to do something positive, something comes up to throw me off. Everytime I get my mind set to move forward in the direction that G-d would have me to go, there’s always something there waiting to just trip me up… but I got news for you satan. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR, I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED && I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!! The devil can throw whatever he wants to throw at me but I’m still fighting, i’m still in his word, im still praying more than ever and doing what I have to do. No negative thing will stand in the between me and my destiny… I will not fail. I got a G-d in my corner that is greater than any negative thing that can be thrown against me. So hit me with ya hardest punch, give me ya best shot, i may stumble a little bit, I may even fall…. BUT I WILL NOT FAIL!! I will come out on top no matter what happens or how long it takes. I’m gonna press my way through.

hiding the hurt

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on September 24, 2007

i saw her yesterday and yet again, she looked in my face, rolled her eyes and kept walking like i never even existed. i keep making excuses, well maybe she didn’t see me, or she was in a rush to get back to her seat. i dont know. i know that this is really bothering me tho. how can someone just act like that?? i’ve never done anything to her, never crossed her over or any of that. we’re better than that… or at least i thought so. i guess now i know how people really are. it’s okay tho. i guess we take our wins and expect the loses but its just sad that things have to end this way. i am really hurt right now because someone that i was supposed to be close to is now like at such a distance. i dont understand. am i trippin?? cause maybe she has a reason to be mad. maybe she has a reason to walk past me without even speaking but i thought that if something like this ever happened she would at least be woman enough to come to me and let me know that there was a problem. walking past me like i dont even exist is not the way to do things.

why do i care?? why is this bothering me?? now i wish that i could take bake every single thing that has happened. maybe i should have ignored the email and kept right on with my life. maybe i blew things out of proportion and maybe i should have never went to someone with an issue that would soon die down. maybe i was in the wrong the whole time and nobody wanted to tell me. maybe all of this nonsense and childish play could’ve been avoided if i would’ve just let it go.

i am hurt and i think that i have every right to be hurt. im not mad or angry or the least bit upset, but i am hurt. not only because we were really tight at one point in time but because i looked up to her and it seems like now she is acting like a person that i dont want to look up to. seems like everyone that i look up to has a shady side. i guess you never know people. i just wish that something could be done to undo what i have done. but wishing gets us nowhere and juvenile behaviors surely do die hard.

just another day

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on September 24, 2007

You know how you have those days that are just days?? They are never good or bad but they just are. They’re there and you will probably not remember what you did or what you wore or who you were with because it just wasn’t that important. Thats the kind of day I had on yesterday. I got up and made it to church after I searched high and low for something to put on. I went to Popeyes to get some chicken and then I went home, ate, took a nap, watched some tv, hung out with my cousins, and watched some more tv. Nothing exciting about it. A few people pissed me off, my mother aggraveted the hell outta me, and my big cousin T just forced a smile to appear on my face like she always does.

Around 9:30 I decided that I should try to get some sleep cause I knew that I would be tired even tho I took a nap earlier. But I was in the middle of two very interesting conversations. One with Troy and the other with James. By the time I ended the conversations it was almost 11:30 and I was exhausted but I couldn’t sleep. There was finally some light shed onto my day and I was excited about it. Me && Troy just had the same type of conversation that we always seem to have. There was nothing big about it. We are what we are and there’s never anything new about it. I love the relationship that we have but I try to keep him at a distance and I dont know how much longer that is going to work out. We’ll see what happens… either way, he’ll always be here. I think it was the conversation with James that really kept me up thinking. For once in forever we weren’t talking as a couple or even as people who have been hurt by one another. We were talking like friends. Like friends that had nothing to hide, nothing to be afraid of, and nothing to hold back. There was no talk of the past or the future or anything that had to do with the relationship that seemed to slip through the cracks of our hearts. But instead there was talk about life and school and partying and beer and gifts and driving and things that did not matter. We ended the conversation on a good note. We promised not to be strangers anymore. We promised that we would contact one another periodically just to let each other know that we were doing alright. And then we said goodbye. It felt good, because every conversation before this was about us. About what we could do or should do or didn’t do. About how one or both of us had been hurt. About how we still loved each other and wanted to make it work. But finally, there was nothing like that to be said. It was simple and it didn’t hurt at all. And its things like that that I look forward to.

I am also a little bit excited because I think that I am starting driving school in a week. At least, I hope that I am. They dont open til 12 so I have to call and see if they have anymore openings and if they do that means that I have to leave work early to get there by the time they close. Jessa is supposed to be going to but I dont even know if she is going to sign up today or not. Hopefully she will so that I have someone there to talk to but even if she doesn’t its all gravy.

My uncle is going to sell me his computer before he moves and I am so excited about that but I am more excited about painting my room. Seems like everyone in the house is making transition. In is moving out, Shay is moving in the basement, I’m moving in Shay’s room. Mommy’s making my room into an office and there’s plenty more that she wants to do soon. But I think I am most excited about painting. And I saw some really nice furniture at Target and it was inexpensive so I was like YaY!! Troy is supposed to be helping me paint which is great because I will totally mess up my walls. He doesn’t know that I am recruiting him to put together my desk, bookcase and computer stand too… I may buy him lunch one day in exchange for his wonderful services!! LoL!! Well, let me go… I have the worlds most files to put away today and I might as well get it out of the way while I have a lil bit of energy. Cause God knows that after lunch I will be exhausted.

Oh, the choir sang a new song yesterday that I fell in love with, here’s the words.

Like a shepard, he leads us

Like a father, he feeds us

From the morning to the evening, til the sun rises again

Like a shepard he leads us

Like a father, he feeds us

He is, He is the Great I Am!!

Talk to you guys later and pray really hard cause I’m bout to be on the road really soon!!! I’m getting my car in March yall!!! Isn’t that lovely!!

This Fire Down In My Soul

Posted in books, hurt, pain by Tanae' A. on September 21, 2007

Last night, I finally finished a book that my co-worker gave to me to read on Wednesday [This Fire Down In My Soul by J.D. Mason]. She talked for weeks about how good this book was and how I absolutely needed to read it. At first, when I started reading it I didn’t think it was all that good but the more I read, the more I liked it. I was so anxious to get to the end and see what was going to happen but when I finally got to the last page, I wished I would have never read it at all. It was said, it caused me to lose all hope and it really just put me in a bad mood. The book was very well written, the author took me on a trip that allowed me to walk in the shoes of every single woman characterized. One was desperate, on was greedy, and one was hopeful or hopeless [depends on how you look at it], and the last one was naive but they were all vulnerable. They all wanted so much but got nothing in the end. One lady put her everything into a relationship that she got nothing out of. She put her dreams, goals, and feelings on the back burner for her husbanad a sons and at the end of the day she had nothing. She didn’t have any work experience to go out and get a job. She didn’t have a husband to come home to because he was in love with another woman. She didn’t even have her kids because they had grown up, moved out, and moved on with their lives. She was lonely. Eventually she moved on as well, got a man who paid attention to her and in the process her husband divorced her and kids acted like she never existed. Another woman was so desperate to find love and eventually she did. She found the perfect man, someone who loved her and wanted to be with her but he was torn between his lover and his wife. When she found out she was pregnant she thought that they would finally be together but it made him realize that he had a great woman at home that he didn’t wanted to lose. She lost the love of her life and the baby that she would have brought into this world. This guys wife worked hard, took care of their kids, and made sure the the house was clean and dinner was cooked when he got into the house but somewhere along the line their sparks died out. He cheated and she never knew but at the end of the day he chose her over his pregnant lover and I guess they were happy. They did what they could to make their relationship work and they worked hard to stay together and they did. Then theres the interior decorator. She came into this couples house to decorate and she ended up listening to another womans story of how her life had been a mess since her husband was promoted and forced them to move. Instead of being a friend and being there for the woman she went out and had her own private affair with her husband. Eventually she lost a friend and a good man and she never heard from them again. The couple got a divorce and moved away from one another. Last, but not least, there’s the good ol preachers wife. She counseled all the women at her church. She listened to their problems and she judged them. She looked down on them but her husband, the pastor of their church, was having a affair with a member there. But still, she felt better than every single women that walked into her office. Her husband went to jail for the murder of his lover who threatened to leave him and his wide filed for a divorce. All these woman wanted nothing more than to be appreciated, loved, and cherished by the men that they had loved, cared for and supported for so long but they all got nothing. They all walked away empty handed and nothing to show for their time spent. The only one who may have had something to live for was Tess. She stuck by her husbands side but she was too blind to see that he was sleeping with another woman who came so close to having his baby. She walked away with her husband  and a marriage that had the potential to work but what does that amount to. She got what she wanted but that only left another sad lonely woman without.

I heard the author of this book has plenty of other books that are really good, but I will never pick up another book that she has written because this book really put me down in the dumps. I dont understand how someone can write something so sad. I really got the end thinking that things would work out for all these women, at lest most of them. But it didn’t. They all lost and reality is… I feel just like them… empty and lost with nothing show except for the work that i put in and the tears i’ve put out.

im thru.

Posted in decisions, freedom, him, hurt, lost one, love, moving on, pain, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 20, 2007

sometimes walking away is the best thing that we can do… for ourselves.

…its time to focus on me and stop worrying about him… finally im free.

Sister2Sister

Posted in blessings, church, life, love, ministry, people I love, seperation, Shiloh, sisters by Tanae' A. on September 19, 2007

A few years ago, some sistahs got together at my church to start a ministry called Sister2Sister. It was cool at first but over time things died down and eventually no one heard anything else about it. A few people would say that this was a failure but I would beg to differ. Although there were no meetings and no more sitting together on the third pew on third Sunday’s… we were still a ministry in my eyes. We ministered to one another. We was there for each other, the big sisters as well as the lil sisters. At the end of the day I walked away from that with five great and wonderful big sisters… Tam, Rease, Ness, ShanShan, and Esther. Within the past year or so I think that everyone has pretty much gone their seperate ways. People have gone to different churches, life has taken their toll on some lives, and others are still around but just not as close.

I just wanted to take time out to recognize and appreciate five special ladies that have impacted my life in such a great way over the past few years. There’s no telling where this life will take them or me so I just wanted to take time out to acknowledge them individually and collectively…

Shan: You have such a beautiful spirit and you are such a beautiful woman. I remember them days I used to call you just cause I hadn’t seen you in church in a minute. You have always been there on the sidelines doing something to help out… I love you for that.

Rease: You already know I got the worlds most love for you!! [and your glow in the dark toe polish!!! LoL!!] You are always there putting up with my craziness and laughing at my retardness. You are so real and down to earth and you just all around cool peoples… Luv Yah Chick!

Esther: You are my smiling sister. You are always there to give that big old beautiful smile and even when you dont know you have a way of flashing those pearlie whites and making my day so much better. You have a beautiful spirit and a warm heart. You did great!! Love you always.

Ness: Life has taught us some lessons. You’ve been there since day one with me. You never judged me and therefore, I’ll never judge you. You are wonderful. You are a leader and you have told me thru example how to remain humble in the face of controversy. I will forever cherish our saturdays out and our long rides to New York. And even those phone calls that I’d get every other day… I love you Boo!!

Tam: You were my original Big Sis and you will always be just that in my mind. You have taught some wonderful lessons and you were always there to reprimand me when I got in trouble even tho I never knew how you found out about stuff LoL!! You are such a beautiful person and you have impacted so many lives so I am more than blessed to have had you in my life. Through everything… you were there && I will love you forever because of that… Thank You!

Life takes everyone in different directions and some things we never ever see coming but sometimes we have to take life for what it is and appreciate the downs just as much as we enjoy the ups. I love you all dearly.

Tae’

Butterfly:: you were given wings to fly… even thru all your troubles and everything else just trust God and continue to do what it is that you were meant to do. You are in my prayers… I miss you

Music is Everything…

Posted in be the change, change, friends, good times, growth, Jasmine, Luvli Ladiez, people I love, right vs. wrong, Shink by Tanae' A. on September 18, 2007

I know that too many people went out to see the very talked about movie Dream Girls. It turned out to be better than I ever thought it would be and I even got the dvd and soundtrack. My favorite best song on the soundtrack besides Jimmy’s Jam [LoL] is a song called “I Am Changing” by Jennifer Hudson or Effie… here are the words:

 Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I can do it on my own
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dog nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Looking for some light
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

I love this song so much because, 1, she sings it with so much power as she does every other song, but mainly because of the words. We all get to a point in our lives where its time to make a change for the better. I think that everyday I change a lil. Everyday I grow a lil and everyday I’m closer to being such a better person.

The other night I sat at my best friends house til atleast 12:30. We played cards, made spaghetti, and even recorded ourselves singing a bunch of dumb songs. We just sat there, the four of us and Chelley and when I got home I was proud of the change that we all have made. I remember a day in time where Chelley could never just sit up with us because we were always doing something we shouldn’t be doing. We would have to send her to her room or something and watched as she peaked around corners or thru windows. But the other day, we sat there with her acting dumb and stupid and there was nothing wrong with it. We sat up with Big Mama for at least 3 hours and laughed and laughed and sang a bunch of songs off key because we could. Because there was nothing there to hide besides the fact that none of us can sing a lick. But it was fun. And thats where changing has got us. To some people it may be just something minor or stupid but to me that means a whole lot to be able to sit here with my bestie’s sister and grandmother and just have fun and be myself and act stupid and know that I didn’t even have the desire to go out and get into trouble. Nothing compares to that.