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Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah

Posted in blessings, crying, death, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

I remember it almost like it was yesterday. It was hot outside but I still walked across that road to get to this house. To this day, I do not remember what I was going to get but I know that whatever it was, I had to wait for it. I knocked on the screen door and peeked inside to see if anyone was there. Then she came, with this great big smile and her lovely voice, she told me to come in and sit down in the big chair. Because the big chair was for guests. We sat there for at least 15 minutes not talking about anything in particular. I liked this lady, she was sweet and sincere and genuine. She had love in her eyes and she still had a sway in her lil walk. The house smelled fresh, like she had just cleaned but it wasn’t the least bit stuffy. She got up from her chair, went into the kitchen and got whatever it was that I went there for. She handed it to me with a smile on her face and just like my grandmother would do, she held my hand as I walked to the door. She stood there, I walked across the street and half way across the parking lot and she was still there with that smile on her face. I turned around and waved at her and she yelled out the door… “you better come back and see me, ya hear”

She had the kindest heart in america. I remember so many times after that, I would walk by that door and she would yell out, telling me to put on my coat or zippen up my jacket, or be careful crossing that road. Ms. Sarah will always be remembered. She will always be loved and her smile is one that I will never forget. I know that she is in heaven smiling down and right now I wish that she would just hold Vicky-T and comfort her through this.

My prayers are with their entire family, I know that this is a hard time for them.

Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah… I know you’re with God up in heaven

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scooda & squirt

Posted in back to the past, blessings, good times, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

well, ever since Tray & Von were born me & Shink were practically taking care of them. I remember them being at our house like every weekend or we were at theres. They are my heart but now they are big lil boys and I have are memories. Tray was  always the fat one. He used to cry and scream and yell at the top of his lungs. I remember when he used to lay on his stomach and get mad cause he couldn’t crawl. He would always eat my oatmeal inventions no matter hiw nasty they were LoL. Now, Squirt, is my bad lil mojo. He was crawling first. he’s the crazy one, always jumping off chairs and flipin down steps and doing something stupid. He is the fighter of the two, always ready to hit some one. His laugh and cry are exactly the same and his voice is the squeekiest in america. These boys will always hold a special place in my heart cause ever since they were babies, I helped to take care of them. They may not remember it today but I will remember it forever. And I know that every time I see them and they jump on me that a piece of my lil heart melts for them and there’s nothing better than a day with my Scooda and Squirt.

January 4th 2004 I fell in love with two lil boys: TrayVon Amaih and DeVon Machi… they are my heart and my joy and no one can take their place no matter how old they get.

a tough tuesday

Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on October 30, 2007

So, yesterday I was sick and so I went home early from work and crashed. I got up to eat and that was it. I really wanted to go into work this morning but I just could not get up and what do you know. By the time 12:30 hit I was feeling better and bored out of my mind. So I decided to get up finally and get something to eat and then i watched Why Did I Get Married?… It’s funny because every time I watch this movie it has the same effect on me as it did the very first time. I know every great part and every funny line and every secret that was disclosed around the table and yet this movie still does something to me…

Well, now I feel tons better and I cant wait to go to work tomorrow morning but what do I do with the rest of my day?? I’m sitting here doing nothing and I am extremely dehydrated but no one has bought kool-aid to drink.

and by the way… I am loving the fact that I can now blog from home… lovely!!

a good weekend=a bad monday

Okay, its not really a bad monday but…

Friday I really had a serious attitude. It was raining outside, I didn’t feel well and my sister was getting on my last half of nerve. After 45 minutes of standing on the bus stop I hopped on the first thing I saw coming. My mom had to pick me up somewhere cause I got on the wrong bus on purpose and then she had to run to the dollar store. Jazzy persuaded me to go to Jason’s Woods with them so I went home to change clothes. We drove for about an hour and then decided to turn around because the weather was too bad and we were hydroplaning [i learned that in driving school ha] and swerving like crazy. So we settled on going to Red Lobster and we ate some of the best food ever. The waiter was really really nice so we left him a big tip and then we went to the pool hall. Me and Matt shot around for a lil bit while Jazzy and Shay looked at us like we were crazy and then around 1 we got in the house.

Of course I was mad as hell when I had to wake up at 8 on Saturday morning. I got dressed and was out the door at 9. I managed to make it to Amy’s to get my hair done about 10 minutes after 10 and I didn’t leave there til about 1 cause mommy got lost coming to pick me up. So, with a headache and growling tummy, I hopped in the car. I was so hungry that I ate a half of chicken box and some food from wendy’s LoL!! so fat!! But anyways… we stopped at the halloween store so that I could get some stuff for the party I was going to go to. We got back in the house and I packed all my bags and was ready to go. Shink plucked my nerves for 10 hours before we left out the house but once we got to Jazzy’s she straightened up a bit. Once we got there our dacquiris (sp) were done and our food was cooking. We walked next door for a while and soon and very soon we sat down to eat. Ronnie hooked us up with some smothered pork chops, cabbage, spanish rice and corn pudding… the food was on point!! After that, Jazzy helped me get my outfit together and then we left to go to Dougs party.

Since we couldn’t find a ride we ended up walking… let me tell you. I had on a mini skirt, some fishnet stockings, some knee boots, and a lil ass black shirt… that outfit does not mix with walking up the street for 20 minutes in the freezing cold. But, I did it and we finally made it. When we got there it was really early still but there were mad people in there. It had to be no later than 8:30 and half of them were already drunk… it didn’t make no sense. We walked around and talked to everyone for a while and then we sat down and watched these people act like fools. Surprisingly, we didn’t drink anything that night besides the dacquiris (sp) that Ronnie made for us… and let me tell you, it is funny watching other drunk people when you’re sober LoL!! but anyways, we left around 12:30. Got in the house, ate some left over food and crashed.

We woke up Sunday morning ready to go to church. [well me and Shink were ready, Jazzy wanted to stay home] Eventually we got her dressed and made her come and she was glad that she did. The sermon was right on time and I think it was something that we all kinda needed to hear. We went to Golden Corale, laughed with Mommy a lil bit and eventually drove back to the house. Mommy went inside and we sat in the car and took the best nap this world has seen. An hour later we were on our way back up Sycamore and into the church. The choir was on point!! The service was extremely long and I was extremely tired but I still stayed til the end. We walked up the street and helped Jazzy with her project that she waited til the last minute to do. By the time we were finished it was 10:30 and I was beat. I went home and hopped face first in the bed and was pised when my alarm went off this morning.

I was so tempted to not come to work because I really feel like crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I think I have a fever and I just do not feel good at all. I will probably end up going home early cause if not I do not think I will make it thru the rest of this day. It is freezing cold outside so I was really mad when I walked out the house this morning. Lucky for me, I put on a sweater and some boots and a scarf cause if not I would probably freeze to death.

I was going to go to dance rehearsal today after work but when I got up I quickly changed my mind. I may just wait and go next monday cause there is no way I am going to make it today. The only thing I want to do is go home and get in the bed… anybody got a thermometer??

just a few of my thoughts

Posted in thoughts by Tanae' A. on October 26, 2007

I was doing a good job yesterday, I kept my attitude all day long even after I got home. I made it my business not to say anything to my mother at all and she made it easy cause she was busy working. Then it happened, at exactly 8:51 pm she called me to her room. So I sit on the bed and we have this really nice conversation and I walked away no longer mad at her, instead, I was mad at me for not being able to stay mad at her!! LoL!! But anyways… I take back everything I said about her in yesterdays post and even tho I was mad I kinda knew I didn’t mean anything I said. I heart that lady!

Oh, and people’s, I am so super excited because I get to hook up my internet this weekend and it has been a long time coming!! Now I can blog from home because God knows I hate having to wait til I get to work to post everything. So… I am completely thankful right now!!

Guy problems:: [[sigh]] okay, I met my friend Smurph a while ago and he’s really nice and he has a lot going for hisself BUT… i am not good with meeting people. I am not good with new people and I would much rather stick with the people that I know. I dont like being around new people and I dont like people expecting too much out of me and maybe thats why I have a problem with him. I like him from a distance, I can talk to him all day and laugh and joke but the second he comes around I am ready for him to go back to where he came from. He always drops lil hints that he wanna be with me but… uummm I have told him like 700 times, thats not an option. Sorry, he’s just so not my type. He calls it joking but every joke hides a truth so he needs to go somewhere. Maybe I just need to try to meet new people a lot more so that I can get used to it. Who knows… maybe I should just stick with the people that I know and love, yeah, thats an option.

Sunday is choir day and I am so super excited about it. They was on point sunday so yall know I cant wait to see them rock!! I hope a lot of people come out to support them, I know it takes a lot to sound like that and let me tell you…to say they sound good would be such an understatement… they must’ve got some divine intervention that was floating somewhere between their mouths and my ears cause I cant think of anything in this world that would have them sounding that good… Sang Choir!! LoL!!

a weekend of celebration…or maybe not

Posted in birthdays, celebrations, events, friends, girls night, Indi*poo, issues, Jasmine, movies, party, tired, weekend by Tanae' A. on October 26, 2007

so, yesterday was my sister’s 21st birthday and tomorrow is my besties birthday… so I am really in the mood to celebrate. We had some plans that would fill the whole weekend but I have a feeling that I am not going to like the way things turn out. We were supposed to go to Jason’s Woods last weekend but no one had any money so we are planning to go today. Note:: I do not want to go. I am terrified of anything that seems the least bit scary so I am not really looking forward to this. But since it is my besties birthday weekend and she wants me to go I agreed. Now, I think I have changed my mind. Tomorrow night, my sister will be having a birthday party at the club and we have been planning to go since forever. Now all of a sudden it seems like there are so many issues that are stopping everyone from going. That was the one thing about this weekend that I have been looking forward to and now they are telling me that we might not be able to go. Well, I am really not in a compromising mood so if we do not go to this party I am going to stay my butt in the house all weekend long. I am going to watch movies and wash clothes and not een bother going anywhere or doing anything. I am not going to PA just to be scared out of my mind and I am not going to sit in the house on Saturday night just to look at them like they stupid… I want to go out so if I dont go I’ll make sure that her birthday is boring and uneventful. I just wanna go to this daggone party and everyone is tripin like it takes that much effort to get to a stupid club. I would love nothing more right now than to go home, snuggle up on my couch with a movie and some Papa Johns and right now I am really tempted to do just that. I dont feel good, I have cramps to die for, a headache that will not go away, and I am sleepy as all hell so I dont think I’ll be a fun person to deal with if I dont get my way.

Happy Birthday everyone… this weekend better be the best of the best because if it isn’t I’ll make it the worst of the worst!!

Bing Bing

Posted in blessings, child, family, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

More than anything in this entire world… more than any person in this entire world… more than any amount of money in this entire world, i love my Bing!! I never ever thought that someone so small could capture my heart but he has a death grip on me and I cant shake it. I always thought that after my Scooda Tray came along no other lil boy would have my heart… but my Bing proved me wrong. [my wonderful babies Von and Tray are next on my list…or somewhere on my list] I remember the night he was born like it was yesterday. He was laying down all wrapped up in his lil blankets sucking on those lil fingers of his, I’ll never forget it. Its like, the past year has gone by so fast and it is amazing to see how much he has grown up. He is my smile. No matter what kind of day I have I can always come home and find him crawling around the living room and no matter what he is doing he always smiles at me and waits for me to pick him up. I mess with him all day everyday. I beat him up and I pick with him and I tease him but he still loves his auntie Tae’ and I love that lil man. He brings chaos and peace to my lil house. He eats and eats all day long. He is fat and bad and he loves to climb up the steps all day long. His laugh is infectious and his dance skills are ridiculous. His talk is hilarious. His singing is amazing and his fists are strong. He is the heart of my family and that only one person that seems to bring all four of us crazy women together and word cannot even begin to express how much I love him.

I thank God tremendously for sending me a lil blessing by the name of Eric Jerome Mann III… He is the greatest gift that I could have ever received and no one could ever take his place.. [except for the son that I’ll be having in another 10 1/2 years of course!! LoL]

i wasn’t going to do this but…

Posted in birthdays, family, forgiveness, frustrations, Indi*poo, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

so, this morning when I woke up I was still in a crappy mood from all that happened last night and my plan was to remain in that mood until I got good and ready to get out of it. But of course, my idiot of a sister India decides to send me this cute lil text message apologizing for acting like a complete idiot. I guess she realized that I was really pissed when I walked by her and didn’t say anything especially happy birthday. Yes, I was going to go a full day without saying happy birthday to my sister who is now 21… petty?? i dont know but who cares. Its not to often that I can just be mad so when I decide to sit in my own funk it shouldn’t matter too much. But she said sorry and now I guess I’ll stick with my plan and dedicate todays blogging to her and her son.

I often ask myself why I love this knucklehead so much but then I realize… I have no other choice! HaHa!! Naw, but really. She is part of my joy, she is always saying something funny or doing something stupid and when she’s not acting like a total ass [which is 97% of the time] she is actually a fun person to be around. She looks out for me all the time and she sucks up to me so that she can get her way. I argue with her almost everyday and the days that we can actually act like civilized human beings are the days that make it all worth it. I really do love her, no matter how much I think I should hate her crazy self. And I am actually a lil mad at myself because I find it impossible to stay mad at her. She has the power to make a good day sooo terrible in like 5 seconds. She doesn’t know how to talk to people and she has no respect for others. She is ruthless and she doesn’t care what people think about her. She is loud and sloppy and just plain ignorant but thru all of her flaws she is a sweet responsible girl. She takes care of the things that I forget to do, she cleans up my mess when I am too preoccupied to do it, she lets me hold her cd’s when I dont feel like it and she cleans out the bathroom every friday even tho she doesn’t do it any other day of the week. She puts a smile on my face. She is the only person that can actually curse me out and have me think its funny. She is spoiled and she gets what she wants by saying three little words “come on Tin..” I cannot stand her, she is my headache and she is my attitude and I dont know why I am her friend but thats my sister and I def cant live without her. My love for her is bigger than any headache or attitude that she could ever give me.

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY INDI*POO!!

oh, i can do that too

Posted in fed-up, frustrations, issues, mommy, money by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

A lot of times I have the world’s most patience when it comes to issues within my household. I may get frustrated or whatever else but I’ll simply go to my room and blow off the steam before getting angry about anything. I usually try to see things from other peoples point of view but not anymore. I am frustrated and fed-up with trying to understand this crap when there is nothing to understand. Point is, I am sick of my mother. Now, this is a lady that I love more than life and I appreciate her and everything that she does but right now I am really not feeling her. I always said that if I could, I would take care of my mother for as long as she took care of me. When I get stable enough I wanna pay off my mother’s house, I wanna be the one to take her to a car dealership and tell her to pick out the truck that she want and then pay the bill on it myself, I wanna be the one that takes her to the grocery market on saturday mornings just to make sure she dont ever want for nothing… but right now I cant really do that. I dont ask my mother for much, well at least I try not to. I dont ask my mother for money and if I do it is because I really need it and I always make sure I pay her back with interest. The only thing that I ever really need from her is a ride somewhere that the bus wont take me. But God knows, I try not to ask her for too much. Especially when it comes to material things, I work everyday so that I can buy what I want to buy and if I cant afford it I’ll save up for it. I make sure that every pay I give my mother a good chunk out of my check plus I give her gas money on top of that. Just last week I called her to ask her if she wanted me to pay off one of her bills because I had a lil extra money and I knew things were a lil tight but she told me no. WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO SHOW YOU THAT I APPRECIATE YOU?? What do you want me to write in the sky?? I do my share around the house, I say thank you as much as I can, I follow directions fairly well. Two weeks ago I spent an entire 3 days rearranging furniture in my bedroom, buying new furniture, getting rid of some stuff and doing things so that I have more space to organize things. I didn’t do it for her, I did it for me. I was tired of being cramped in my lil hole in the wall and I was tired of hearing her fuss about my room being dirty. Now, I am still in the process of getting some things done in there but I have to wait til some extra money comes in but I never knew that making up a bed every morning shows how much I appreciate you. I really feel like my mom is like a walking time bomb. Anyday now she’ll snap and throw us all out so I wanna make sure I’m well prepared when that happens. So, I am really in my fed-up mode. She wants to be done with us so I’ll be done with her. I can keep my 400 a month and put it in the bank so that I can get a car faster. I can not put gas in your car since you refuse to take me anywhere I need to go. As a matter of fact, let me take the money that I was giving you and give it to the people that I have to beg and bride to take me to where I need to go because you know everything comes with a price. I’ll continue to do what I have to do in the house, I’ll continue to clean and take care of my responsibilities but everything else is cut. So when you dont have no extra cash in ya pocket cause you gotta pay 4 bills, please do not rely on my lil bit of money cause…HA HA!! YOU WONT BE GETTING IT!! Just like I cant rely on you for a ride when I have NO OTHER WAY you cant rely on me when you stuck between a rock in hard place. Because reality is, I never ever have to question whether or not you appreciate what I give you because I know that you do appreciate it when you say thankyou. And even if you dont appreciate it, it would never matter because I would rather be unappreciated than to see you want for anything and I would expect the same thing but I guess thats where we differ. Thank you aint enough for you, giving back my last just so that you can have some gas is not enough for you, trying my hardest to squeeze out an extra 50-100 after I have paid bills and bus passes and tithes and everything else… thats not good enough. Good enough to you is having a house that is super clean, good enough for you is making sure that my bed has not one wrinkle in it, good enough for you is making sure that there is not one fork in the sink when you wake up because you want it to be perfect. Well guess what mama, i am not perfect and I hate cleaning and I dont mind there being a bobby pin or a rubber band on the floor every once in a while so what are you going to do about it?? I think your actions have answered that question. Continue to act the way you do and I’ll continue to act just like you because after all, you are my example. You wanna hold back and not do anything for me… well guess what, I can do that too!

Maybe I am just mad right now so there is a great possibility that I am sayin all this out of frustrations but right now thats how I feel. And I still love my mommy just the same because of who she is and not what she does for me but right now I am just fed-up with her selfishness at this point and it has really gone a bit too far. 

if I had things my way

So, a lot of times I seem to get lost in my own thoughts. Well today I was just thinking, if I had everything in my life the way I wanted it to be how would it go?? Well, this is what I came up with.

 

For starters, I would not change anything that happened before Dec 2005. And really I wouldn’t change to much that happened after Dec. 2005 either, so here’s what I would change. I would change the fact that I ever became friends with, dated, or fell in love with James. Thats it. How lovely. Now let me explain before someone gets the wrong idea. If I had my way, I would take all of those happenings out of Dec 2005 and graciously move them to Dec. 2009. And you all are wondering why… the reason is quite simple really, in 2009 there will be no school. He would be completely through with school. So it would save me a lot of heartache and headache and I would be actually happy with him. And simply because James would not be in the picture I would have the opportunity to take things a lil further with this other dude without feeling completely bad about it. But since I cant change the past… this is what I would have happen in the future.

 

I think, well I know, that the first three things that I would have happen if I had my way is… 1. I would get a big fat check somewhere in the mail and I would use that to pay off the one bill that I have left, register for college and purchase the car that I have to wait until february to get. 2. I would have all of my poems somewhat close to being published and 3. I would give the youth ministry cpr and miraculously bring it back to life so that I can deal with all the stresses of keeping it well and kicking.

 

After that, I would go back to school, get a promotion [maybe that is asking a bit to much but that is what i would have happen], make enough money to make sure that my mother wasn’t struggling, fix up the big house from top to bottom and move out of my mom’s house… all in a year. And in 2009 I would be ready to transfer to a university [because i would have worked just that hard to get a two year program completed in one], I would have ridded my life of all the people that were nothing but distractions [all of whom are of the male sex for some reason, but that is neither here nor there], I would have started from scratch a healthy relationship with my honey, and I would be well on my way to success because by the middle of 2009 I would be expecting my 2nd promotion which includes a darn good raise and some major benefits, and I would be able to take a vacation to wherever I want and not have to worry about money, and I would be able to send my mother on a vacation to anywhere that she wanted to go for however long she wanted to go and there would be nothing she had to worry about except what she’s going to pack.

 

By the time 2013 hit I would plan to be married with two kids with a good paying job that allows me to spend time with my children and still be able to live comfortably. I want a nice house with a big back yard and front yard. I want two dogs, one for me and one for him. I want a playground in the back. I want one of those couch looking things that swing on my front porch and I want my own private bathroom in my room. I want a family day once a month to talk and eat and laugh and play with my kids and my husband. I want my mom to be happy and financially stable. By then I would have moved my NaNa somewhere, anywhere and I would be taking care of all her expenses. I would be making sure that my lil cousins are in college and doing their best and I will have coffee and bagels every saturday morning with my besties. And a girls night once a month and we’ll stay in and have drinks and lay around with our phones turned off and we’ll talk like we were back in high school, about boys and issues and there would be no thoughts of family or money or men or house cleaning or washing clothes or none of the other grown up stuff that we have to do every other day of our lives. I would go on a vacation once every three months, just me and my honey, and we would enjoy each others company and just have fun like back when we were dating. And last but not least… I would be happy. I would have a family and an education and a job and some damn good friends and I would be happy. I would want to wake up every morning and I would have a smile on my face every night and I would be happy.

 

If I could plan my life, thats what I would do. All those simple things is what I would expect. And sure, there would be some issues in between but I would be content with the smile that I had shining every single day. I would be blessed beyond abundance and joyful just because I am alive and surrounded by all the people I love the most.

 

Thats how my life would go if I had things my way…