[{GRaViTY}]

a change of plans

my thoughts and prayers are with the students, faculty and staff of Randallstown High School and well as the parents, family and friends of Steve Parrish. He was a graduating senior and scheduled to walk across the stage on Sunday. Unfortunately, his life was taken from him on yesterday May 29, 2008. I can not imagine what his family and friends are going thru. To the graduating seniors of Randallstown High, especially my lil cousin Sedria, keep yall heads up. Walk across that stage proud on Sunday. I pray that he is in a much better place and that you all hold onto his memory knowing that he was supposed to be celebrating the beginning of a new chapter with you all. Dria, babes, he might have been supposed to sit on your right side on graduation day but hopefully he’s on God’s right side right now.
Congratulations to all 2008 grads!! including Shany, TJ and my bestie JazzieGurl
ii cant really say what ii am going to do or what ii am not going to do because ii dont want to be a hypocrite…but, ii am changing a lot of things in my life as of right now. im just trying to better me fa’real because ii dont want a scare like that one ii had yesterday ever again. a new month is coming and im not pledging to change over night or to completely step into this ‘holier than tho’ attitude but ii do want to be better and do better. so therefore, ii solicit your prayers yet again. and, if you will please pray that ii am able to go back to school in the fall. ii have one REALLY BIG hurdle to jump over before ii can register but ii really really want to go. and pray for my sister, Jesus knows that cheesecake every other day would be nothing short of a blessing lmao.
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afraid of heights…

Posted in back to the past, check ya flesh, forgiveness, growth, ministry by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
I remember back when I was really little [[before life happened]] I was a really tiny thin girl. Back then, it only took a small breath to knock me over lolzz. But, I have this very vivid memory of my step dad. He wasn’t a big guy but to my lil self he was huge and he had muscles sooo big. He used to flex and me and my sisters would literally swing from his arms. One day, he lifted me up and he sat he on top of his arm. At first I was scared, terrified that I would fall but even more scared that if I fell, he wouldnt be there to catch me. It wasn’t until I stopped looking down that I really gave into that moment. Once I let go of that fear I felt like I was on top of the world and I wanted to stay there forever. My little small self on his big arms, him lifting me up beyond any height that my eyes could think of seeing. I thought about that today. Sometimes, God will lift us up and most times we are so scared of falling that we never take time to indulge in the moment. Im to a point now where Im going higher in him. Someone once said that the higher up you go the lonlier you get and that must be true cause im pretty lonely up here by myself. But I was so scared of falling and even more scared that if I fell He would refuse to catch me out of disappointment and so the only thing on my mind was getting down. Here I am, on the arms of God, my feet are dangling and im holding on for dear life. But once I let go of that fear of falling, I can really appreciate the height in which I have reached. Sometimes I just wanna get back to the comfortableness of the ground tho. One thing that I am realizing more and more each day is that God is going to be there at my highs and my lows. So when He has me up high He’s there to carry me and when I fall back down to my lowest, He’s there to lift me back up. Its just that I fear failing Him so much. Not just Him but myself and the people that are expecting so much from me. If I fail, how can I minister to someone else who is trying to do the right things?? Today Ms. Naomi looked me in my face and she said this “You are harder on yourself than God is, just let Him forgive you…” How right was she. I beat myself over the head for months on end about something petty that I did wrong when God has already forgotten about it and is telling me to move on with my ministry. This past weekend, I was going to stay in the house all weekend long. I was gonna sit on my couch watch some movies and get some rest because I didnt want to be in an atmosphere that would allow me to compromise my growth. Friday night, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up going to eat with a friend and her mom but I was back in the house by ten thirty and knocked out. Friday night, ten o clock and I’m sleep. Not out partying or drinkin or having fun. I was sleep and bored and lonely in a house all by myself. By the time Saturday rolled around I was so bored I wanted to get out but I was standing my ground. Turns out, however,a  few friends around the corner were having a lil get together so round eight we walked around the block. At first it was cool, we was just sitting around chilling and then some things started happening. We didnt stay long, got in the house around eleven but I beat myself up the whole night and well into this morning because not only did I partake in certain activities but I set myself up for failure. I went into this environment against my own better judgement and I wasnt strong enough to resist the temptations of the night. No, I didnt get ridiculously drunk and I wasnt extremely high but I sat in a room with people who were participating in activities I used to participate in. I sat in a house with people who had bottles passing around faster than a ferris wheel. But why? Why would I be in that setting?? Why would I feel the need to put myself into that type of situation knowing good and well what the outcome is going to be. I am mad at myself because of it. Mad because I knew what I wanted to do and it sucks that I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet and say NO!! Is it worth the try?? Is it worth it to try and do all these things right? Should I just give up on myself and allow God to use someone more qualified for the job?? You know what I think?? I think that God has me where I am, doing what I am doing because the people that I am ministering to are learning something from my downfalls. They are not just looking at my triumphs and seeing what they want to be but they are also looking at my mistakes knowing that even thru all of their mess they can do and be someone better for Him. I mess up, I fall short, I do things that I shouldnt do but Im growing and im getting thru the struggles of each day. And at the end of the day someone is going to look at me, see where I come from and know that the same God that saved me can save them. The same God that lifts me high up is the same God that can catch me when I fall off His shoulders from time to time. I dont think im too afraid of heights anymore yall!!!

where do I draw the line??

I am a lil bit stuck right now. I am almost 20 years old and I realized that my life is the way it is because I dont know where to draw the line. There is still so much in life that I want to do. I still want to go out and have fun and enjoy myself but there is a very thin line that can easily be crossed. How do I go out and have fun without throwing a hex in my growing relationship with God. Like, next weekend is my sisters 21st birthday party and she really wants me to go. I really want to go. I want to go have fun, dance the night away, chill with some friends and just enjoy myself but does that make me a hypocrite? If I sit in a club half the night and then get up to go to worship service the next morning should I feel bad about it. My problem is, I dont know where the line is drawn. These days I dont even know if there is a line but I dont want to be considered someone who lives two seperate lives. I just want to have fun and I am terrified that I’ll find myself in either of the two extremes. Either I’ll live for Christ and will not have fun at all point, blank, period. Or I’ll have fun and go too far. I dont want neither of those things to happen. I think I deserve to go out and have fun with my friends. I think I deserve to just enjoy myself every once in a while without feeling guilty about. So where do I draw the line??

getting to know people

Posted in check ya flesh, church, decisions, determination, events, ministry, Shiloh, [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on August 27, 2007

Yesterday was our last summer service at church so, like always, we enjoyed a very hott outside service. I woke up a little early because I decided that I wanted to go to Sunday School and I was a bit discouraged to hear that it was cancelled because of a New Members Breakfast. I ended up just sitting around chatting with a few good folks as I waited very patiently for service to start but in the meantime I noticed a girl walking into the church. I had seen this girl before a few times but I didn’t really know who she was so I decided to introduce myself… I was not pleased with the way the conversation went down…

“Hello!” I said with a very bright smile… she didn’t respond she just looked at me like I was crazy and gave me one of those four finger waves.

“Um, I been seeing you around a lot lately so I just decided to introduce myself. I’m Tanae’, this is Shanaira, and the one in the blue shirt is Kayla.”

“Okaay…”

“So, whats your name?”

“Deanna…” with sarcasm drippin from every other syllable

“Oh Ok, and the boy that you be with is your brother??”

“Who? John?”

“Is that his name??”

“uuuhhh huh..”

“Ok, well I just wanted to introduce myself. I’ll be seeing you around.”

And yet again a rude reply… “Oook…”

Now, at first, I was completely turned off by this chicks attitude. I was being really nice to homegirl trying to introduce myself and some of the other youth and she just straight up threw sarcasm all in my face. But, despite my feelings about her, she is a new youth at my church I feel as tho it is my responsibility to get her and her brother affiliated with some other people their age. So, I am going to continue to speak to her and greet her with million dollar smiles. I am going to give her chance to get to know some people and get used to the atmosphere that is probably not accustomed to. Maybe in a few weeks she’ll have a change of attitude and actually get to know some of us and she may even want to become active in ministry.

Usually, I would never talk to this chick again after the conversation that we first had but I had to really think about it. I know back in the day, my first impression on a lot of people was probably horrific but most of those people continued to deal with my lil attitude and eventually realized that i’m not a bad chick. Actually, I can be nice, quirky and retarded most times. But, some people just take a lil longer to come around then others so maybe if she sees somebody thats continuously trying to make her feel apart of she’ll warm up a lil. I’m hoping and praying she does…

J.Bynum [why are people bashing her??]

Posted in check ya flesh, church, events, frustrations, marriage, ministry by Tanae' A. on August 24, 2007

I am really not understanding why there’s a story about Prophetess Juanita Bynum every where I turn. Most people are being sympathetic and prayerful but there are a few that are chosing to criticize and it’s really bothering me.

Marriage is supposed to be something sacred. Marriage is something ordained by God. Every one has problems, no doubt, but who in their right mind would want their marriage blasted all over the global world?? I dont care if everything is peachy cream or going terribly wrong, people need to mind their business!! Let’s pray for her and her husband rather than commenting negatively about what has happened.

Someone wrote on a blog that this was a setup used to cell more cd’s and Conference tickets… come one people!! I happen to like Junaita Bynum, I think she is a wonderful lady and more than that I think God has used her in a dynamic way to uplift women all over this country. She does not need to be beat down in a parking lot in order for people to buy her cd or go to hear her preach.

I guess this is what you get when you begin to make a name for yourself. I hope and pray that a few praying folk would go to God and just wish her well in everything that she does. But I also pray that the IGNORANT people in the world would take a look at what they are doing and who their words and actionas are affecting.

My prayers go out to Juanita… B.Blessed Sistah

a lil bit of this and that

why are there some people in this world that chose to never grow up?? i’m really having a difficult time understanding why this one person just wants to be so immature. what really does she get by acting like a five year old child, can we please move on to something better… ITS CALLED MATURITY!! i laugh at people like her because she is a prime example of what i dont want to be like when i grow up…i mean, my thirteen year old sister is more mature than she is and she is well into her 30’s. come on boo-boo, aint nothing in america that serious.

how bout i am so excited for the rest of the week to just come on and get here because i think i will enjoy my weekend for the most part. tomorrow right after work i have to go to my new part time job [congratulate me please] to fill out some paper work. i’m kinda excited because i desperately need to save money and pay bills at the same time. i am sooo super excited about friday night because i get to take my lil sister chelley to this pcif back to school night. i wasn’t going to go but i figured it would be something that she would enjoy so i’m trying to round up her and the kiddies to go ahead and have a good time.

the rest of my weekend will be spent in relaxation unless i get drafted to go somewhere or do something on saturday. i am going to church on sunday…[for all you 7:30 service people, i do go to church i just be sleep during early service and sunday school… maybe if you all went to 10:45 service you would see me there!!! LoL!!] i promise you, i have gotten at least 6 phone calls this week telling me that i better show up in early morning service on sunday. i do miss sunday school a tad bit so i might make an effort to actually wake up early just to go to service and get some breakfast… it’s just that everytime i go to early service i am tempted to leave and go to city for their 11:00 service. but i vow to try my hardest to get up in time to actually go to early service… will i make it?? who knows.

And also, let it be known for the record that I AM NOT A RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR!! so someone please tell me why everyone seems to be coming to me this week for advice about their relationships. I’M SINGLE!!  maybe that should tell you something… hahaha!! but its beginning to make me think that i am trying out for the wrong profession… maybe i should be a relationship counselor since i seem to be the only one that can solve these people’s problems…

For the 1st time in my life

Posted in check ya flesh by Tanae' A. on August 13, 2007

All my life, I have reacted to everything based on my feelings. My attitude towards one person could be totally different than how I act towards everyone else based on my feelings about that person. Sometimes this can be a good thing, but most of the time its not very good. Last week, I did something and my actions were not based on my feelings towards a certain person. I took time out to actually pray about what I should do and I did things the way that I felt was best and I can honestly say that no matter who the person was I would have dealt with the situation the exact same under those same circumstances. I look back on it, and part of me feels sorry for the other party involved because she could have prevented anything that is about to happen but now I have no control over the situation from here on out. All I can do is continue to pray about it and hope that things blow over rather smoothly. I think that once we stop acting based on our feelings a lot of things will go better than we would ever expect.

I just really want it to be known that I no longer have a say so in what happens because I chose not to. I dont know what the next best thing to do would be and so I handed the situation over to someone who could handle things better than I ever would be able to. Please just keep me in prayer plus all the people involved in this situation. Thanks a lot fam…

youth leaders are not really leading

How would you feel if you knew that a LEADER in your church was sending your youth emails about the size of people’s (rappers, singer etc.) private areas and how well they are in bed??

There are a lot of people in the world that are familiar with the infamous “Superhead” otherwise known as Karrine Steffans… the Video Vixen. She has a book out titled ‘Confessions of a Video Vixen’ and she now has a second book on shelves, I am unfamiliar with the name. But for those of you that dont know, she has made a not-so-positive name for herself by sleeping with numerous people in the music industry. The purpose of the book was to tell a side of her story that no one had heard. I think that purpose was looked over entirely. Everyone that read the book was in it to hear about who she had slept with and what type of relationship she had with these men. I think that by the time the book became popular, she had also forgotten about her original reason for writing it. But that is not the reason for this post.

About two days ago, I recieved an email that totally blew me away. It was a list of about 40-50 music icons, past & present. Next to each of their names was a rating of big, small, thick, thin, short or fat. Add fuel to the fire… this ‘Superhead’ also remembered to add a detailed description of exactly how they were in bed. Although the email was very graphic, even for me, what pissed me off the most is that a leader of my church sent it to me. Not just any leader… a leader who works directly with YOUTH!! Is there any way to justify that??

I didn’t know what to do really. I was going to address her about the situation simply because I dont prefer to recieve things like that from anybody be it a leader of the church or a friend from school. But in a situation like this I really dont know how I am supposed to react. I am not surprised that this person would send something like that… I can easily tell a hypocrite when I see one. But what I dont understand is how you can even look at yourself after you have sent something like this to a youth in your church that you are supposed to be leading. Am I wrong for being upset about this and should something be said in order to get this type of behavior under control??

Tae’

getting my mind right

Posted in check ya flesh, get ya mind right, thoughts by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

I often times get overly excited when I see myself growing. There are a lot of things that I dont do anymore and there are a lot of ways that I handle things differently but someone pushed me back a lil this past weekend. As we are sitting here playing Monopoly, Bry says a simple seven words that have stuck with since then. “As a woman thinketh, so is she” Of course I have heard this before. Too many times before. But it just really hit me in the past week. I may not do a lot of things but I still think about them. I didn’t cuss homegirl out but in my head I was thinking of all the ways that I could blow her out the water and hurt her feelings. I didn’t do this or that, I but I certainly thought about it and that is just as bad as me doing it. So I am now working on getting my thoughts together. I dont want to think about the things that I shouldn’t be doing.

I dont know… I’m just still praying about it…

I’m really trying to be better guys.

i think i can make it through this week

Posted in check ya flesh, differences, humility, issues, moving on by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

This morning I woke up and for some reason I had the strong urge to check my email before I got to work [which i never ever do] I opened up the email that I had been patiently waiting for and when I got finished reading it, I smiled. Not because I was happy, or excited, but because I was content. This issue that I have been struggling with is officially over. I got through this without cursing anyone out or going off and I am proud of myself. I know that a big part of me wanted to really go off on this chick but I didnt do that and because I thought about what I said before I said it this issue was resolved in a very respectful way on my part. I feel really good and I honestly didnt think that today would be a good day when I woke up this morning but it’s turning out to be a very thought provoking thursday and I know for sure that I will get through this day in one piece… and I’m waiting for tomorrow to knock on my front door.

Tae’