I finally did it

Posted in poetry, spoken word by Tanae' A. on July 31, 2007

So Thursday I found out about this Soul Renaissance thing that goes on every Fourth Friday at Heart of God Ministries. I knew when I saw the flyer that this was something that I really wanted to go to but I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to participate or not. By the time Thursday night came along I decided that I might just take a leap and actually participate in the open mic session. Well, I was nervous as all hell all day long friday and when I got home I was really second guessing myself. We ended up going and got there on time. Of course, they didnt start til almost 9 and we were sitting around. I was so darg on nervous that I ended up having to pee like 500 times before they even started but I got up there and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Once I got finished it was like a breathe of fresh air cause I was finally done. It was a very nice setting and everyone there was so nice and inviting… maybe thats why it was soo chill for me. I promised my older sister that sooner or later I would go to her lil spot one wednesday and do something but for now I’ll settle for the once a month thing… I’m def. going back on August 24th.

If you want more info about this event feel free to contact me and I’ll see what I can do!! LoL!!


Alone But Never Lonely

Posted in cancer sucks, death, family, friends, lonliness by Tanae' A. on July 30, 2007

I now have a new favorite show that comes on Lifetime every Sunday night. Well, nothing could really ever take the place of Still Standing but we’ll just call this one my second favorite. Its a new show called Side Order of Life. It’s really interesting and if I were you I would really check it out… comes on at 8pm by the way.

Let me tell you briefly about this show [for those of you that have never seen it]. There are 4 main characters. The first is Vivy, she is this great person who loves life so much and lives every day to the fullest but she has terminal cancer. Then there is her best friend, Jenny, who works for a magazine as a photographer. Ian, who is, well was, Jenny’s fiance, met Jenny through Vivy. And then there’s Rick, who is Jenny’s boss and also a close friend to Vivy, Jenny and Ian. In last weeks episode, Jenny postponed the wedding and in yesterday’s episode her and Ian broke up for good. In the first episode, Jenny dialed a wrong number and it ended up being some dude that she doesn’t know but she eventually ended up talking to him about a lot of things. She feels safe talking to him because she doesn’t know him and therefore she feels as tho he cant really judge her.

Well, to get back to the point of this post. On yesterdays episode Jenny was sent to do an article on siamese twins who were sharing the same liver and were ultimately going to die. They sat down and they explained to her that they had been side by side for so long that neither of them could ever imagine life without the other so they were refusing get a seperation surgery that would most likely kill one of them. For a while, Jenny understood. These twins had shared their entire lives with one another and they wouldn’t be able to possibly imagine living life all alone.

As Vivy and Jenny were at lunch Vivy said something that changed her entire outlook on situation. She said that when you have the opportunity to live you take it, you fight for it. You dont just give up on life because you want to be with someone, you fight, even if its not for you, you fight for the people that love you. The twins were eventually persuaded to have the surgery done because they went into it knowing that if one of them died they were giving the other a chance to finally live their lives normally. Well, to make a long story short, one of the twins died but even after the surgery the living twin said that she felt her sister with her and that she wasn’t alone.

I guess that was a learning process for Jenny. She was so stuck onto Ian that she wanted to have him all to herself when she knew that eventually she would have to say goodbye. She didnt want anyone else to be with him or even take some of his time away because she was stuck to him for so long that she couldn’t picture life without him. Eventually she said goodbye, gave the ring back, and moved on but it was still hard for her to do. By the end of the show she realized that she may be alone but she’s never ever lonely because she has the love of her friends and family even when they aren’t right there by her side.

What did I get from this episode?? You’re never lonely unless you chose to be. There is always someone or something that you carry around in your heart so even in your most lonely times you are never really alone. We all have family and friends that have marked places in our hearts and the simple impact that they leave is enough to comfort us when it seems like we’re all by ourselves. Never ever be afraid to let anything or anyone go for fear of being alone. A lot of times we hold onto people and things when we should really be walking away from it but we let our fears paralyze us.

Just something to think about.

Alone but never Lonely


So Through With It…

Posted in love, marriage by Tanae' A. on July 25, 2007

When I was younger, I never had huge dreams of getting married or falling in love or even being in a committed relationship. I knew that I wanted kids and a house some kind of companionship, even if it was only for a brief little while. Most of the women in my family have never been married and those that were married have lived to tell of their divorce(s). I have NEVER in my life seen a good marriage. Not even a good long term relationship. I guess now when I look at cute lil couples I know that there’s more than what meets the eye. My first thought when seeing a “happy” couple is… ‘I wonder whats wrong in their relationship’. I dont doubt that there are people that really have good relationships for a while but I dont think that I believe that love lasts forever no matter how good it is. Maybe thats why I’m giving up on thought that I will ever find real true love that will actually last. There’s no use in trying to find something that isn’t real so why do people waste their time. I try to think of relationships that I could really look up to as an example and I honestly know of four and none of these people are in my family. I wont put those people out there cause I dont know if they would appreciate it. But, I look at these couples and I see that they are people that have put God first in everything and have loved their way through each day. I know that nothing in the world will go without problems but somethings shouldn’t bring you down in life. Do I ever think I will get to see that type of happiness?? No way. I dont even know how to communicate effectively so how in the hell do I expect to survive a relationship and/or a marriage. One thing that does kinda have me stuck tho…. all the couples that I look up to are young except for one. I think its great that they have found something so wonderful at a young age but at the same time its like I’m sorta waiting on the sidelines knowing that sooner or later its going to fail. Of course, I dont wish that on anyone but thats the mentality that I have because thats all that I have seen all my life. Even what I thought to be the perfect marriages growing up were not so peachy cream in the end. I saw a marriage fall apart right before my eyes. I used to look up to one relationship only to find out a few years later that he cheated and they weren’t really happy together. I looked up to another marriage only to find out after he passed away that he verbally abused her all the years that they were marriaged. I dont know. Maybe people like me aren’t supposed to get married and grow old with someone and really be HAPPY with that one person. And maybe its the way I percieve things that will hold me back in that department. All I know is that for now,  I am completely through with love and the thought of it.


its okay to cry

Posted in crying, frustrations by Tanae' A. on July 24, 2007

This morning, I cried.

I dont really know why tho. I think that finally, everything that I have been trying to hold in for so long just came down on me like a ton of bricks. It was like the simplest thing and at first I was really hoping and praying that my mommy wouldn’t come upstairs and see me pouring my eyes out like a little baby. She knew, she knew that I had locked my lil self in the bathroom just to cry. She knows me, knows me better than I know myself most times. Once I acknowledge the fact that there was nothing wrong with crying the tears that I have grown to despise just kept right on rolling. I couldn’t stop them and so I did the next best thing, I let them go. I wasn’t only crying because of my frustrations this morning but I was not letting go of every single thing that I have refused to deal with in the past three weeks. I hate crying, I dont like doing it. Crying is weakness… theres no need for it. But sometimes when I least expect it these damn tears get a lil bit of balls and decide to just gang up on me and attack my cheeks. Maybe this mornings episode was what I needed but who knows… I know that I’m okay now… no longer carrying around frustrations that I dont want to deal with.

It’s okay to cry… every once in a while

no school but still making moves

Posted in determination, life, moving on, school by Tanae' A. on July 23, 2007

I cant go to school in the fall and I am really upset about it.

I finally got to the poing where I really REALLY wanted to go back to school. I knew what classes I was going to take and everything but my mom told me not to go. You’re probably wondering why. Most likely, within the next few months my hours at work will be changing and I would be forced to take morning classes. If I sign up for evening classes right now, I would end up having to drop them all due to the position at work that I already accepted. I am only a lil upset because I know how I can get, I can get really sidetracked really quickly and then not feel like going back at all. I am going to keep my mind on it tho so that even when the spring comes I’ll be just as ready to go back. But while I am out, I figured I might as well get some stuff done. I realized that I could go ahead to get a lot of stuff that I have been putting off out the way. I mean, I have nothing but time on my hands right now so I might as well prepare myself for what is to come. 2008 is going to be a BIGG year for me, hopefully I’ll be doing a lot of big things but I wont be able to any of that if I dont prepare myself now. So I need to start making a few changes and get on the grind cause by this time next year I will be ready to make some major moves. I just gotta do things that right way cause I refuse to take two steps up and then be forced to take 5 steps back. I’m planning this thing first so that I will be well prepared. Just keep praying for me.


Just hop up there already…

Posted in Indi*poo, poetry by Tanae' A. on July 20, 2007

My sister and her homegirls go to this poetry joint a lot on Wednesday evenings and she has been pushing me a lot to go with them. I told her that one day soon, me and her could take a ride up there and just chill out but I also made a promise to myself. If I go once and I enjoy myself and the environment, I will go again but the second time I will hop up on the stage and share some of my talent. I dont think I’m really nervous… yes I am. I dont even like sharing my poetry with my friends on a chill Friday night so I know I am going to be really reluctant to share in front of a bunch of people. I think it will be like anything else in the world. The first time is always the hardest then if it’s in ya blood it comes naturally.

Lets see what happens and where we go from here. I’m excited… a lil bit.

getting my mind right

Posted in check ya flesh, get ya mind right, thoughts by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

I often times get overly excited when I see myself growing. There are a lot of things that I dont do anymore and there are a lot of ways that I handle things differently but someone pushed me back a lil this past weekend. As we are sitting here playing Monopoly, Bry says a simple seven words that have stuck with since then. “As a woman thinketh, so is she” Of course I have heard this before. Too many times before. But it just really hit me in the past week. I may not do a lot of things but I still think about them. I didn’t cuss homegirl out but in my head I was thinking of all the ways that I could blow her out the water and hurt her feelings. I didn’t do this or that, I but I certainly thought about it and that is just as bad as me doing it. So I am now working on getting my thoughts together. I dont want to think about the things that I shouldn’t be doing.

I dont know… I’m just still praying about it…

I’m really trying to be better guys.

i think i can make it through this week

Posted in check ya flesh, differences, humility, issues, moving on by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

This morning I woke up and for some reason I had the strong urge to check my email before I got to work [which i never ever do] I opened up the email that I had been patiently waiting for and when I got finished reading it, I smiled. Not because I was happy, or excited, but because I was content. This issue that I have been struggling with is officially over. I got through this without cursing anyone out or going off and I am proud of myself. I know that a big part of me wanted to really go off on this chick but I didnt do that and because I thought about what I said before I said it this issue was resolved in a very respectful way on my part. I feel really good and I honestly didnt think that today would be a good day when I woke up this morning but it’s turning out to be a very thought provoking thursday and I know for sure that I will get through this day in one piece… and I’m waiting for tomorrow to knock on my front door.


are you really serious?? Really??

Posted in family, healing, issues, mommy, people I love, prayer by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

Ok. remember them days when you were little and you went to mommy to ask if you could go somewhere or do this and you got so excited when she said yes. But then. Daddy comes home early or she says the three dreadful words “Ask your father” and you know that any plans that you just had are now totally flushed down the drain. Thats how I feel right now.

I got soo darg on happy last week when my mom came back from the emergency room totally fine. I was excited because I was very worried and I felt a lot of comfort knowing that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. So, a week later she had to go to another doctor for an already scheduled appointment and they told her something that could possibly not end well. Now all of my worries are back and they will continue to linger until this journey is over and we know what is really wrong. They are telling us that we would have to wait at least two months to know if this is anything serious but its hard waiting ever-so-patiently for the doctor to say something that you dont think you would want to hear.

Just continue to pray cause right now thats the only hope that I really have. I’m praying that this is something that we can deal with… No, let me take that back. I know that whatever it is, we will get through it but I hope that this is just another easy hurdle to hop over.


a lil past 6 months ^_^

Posted in work by Tanae' A. on July 18, 2007

So, the 29th of last month marked 6 months that I have been at my job. How do I really feel about this entire 9 to 5 thing??

Well, it took me a tremendously long time to get used to waking up at 6:30 in the morning and to be quite honest… I’m still not used to it. There are days i wake up late and end up rushing and there are days I wake up early and have too much time to get dressed. But everyday I can honestly say that I am happy to come into work!! I love these people. I love the team that I am on. I love these wack people that make me laugh all day long.I love the fact that these people eat as much as I do and spend more money than me on carry out.I love the work, and the jokes, and the games that we play in the file room. And I really am blessed to be here doing what I am doing.

Hopefully, I wont be here forever. I want to move on and do bigger and better things but I always want to go somewhere that I like going to. I honestly have not had a job that I didn’t like once I got out of fast food but I usually get tired of the everyday thing about 2 months into a job… I think this work is absolutely amazing. This is like one big family and I really do not mind waking up every morning too early just to come in here and do this. I even sometimes secretly get upset when I have to call out for some reason. Might I add that in the past 7 months I have only called out once because of myself. The second time I was in an emergency with my mom all night long and there was no way in hell I was going to come into work… but I was secretly wishing I could go in for a half day by the time 10:30 hit.

I am just thankful and blessed to have the opportunity to work here cause I know good and well that someone else with more experience could have very well gotten this job done way better. Thank Jesus for the very early 9-5