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What would you do??

Posted in community, death, decisions, events, family, hurt, issues, life, lost one, people I love, war by Tanae' A. on May 30, 2007

What would I have done??

Thats thw question that I’ve been asking myself for the past few days. Last week, seven people died in a fire, one of those people escaped and went back in to save his brother.

Is he a hero??

Maybe to a lot of people he is… he should be considered one. He died trying to save a life. And if it were my sister stuck in a burning building, I would be the first to go in after her no matter what.

But then I take time to really think…

How many people everyday risk their lives for their brothers and sisters. And more importantly…do they get noticed?? So many people lose their lives everyday because they run boldly into the line of fire and we dont even appreciate it.

Our brothers and sisters are away from home fighting a war that has taken many lives…and the question still remains… what would I do??

Would you put your life on the line for your brothers and sisters?? Would you travel to a foreign country?? Would you even be brave enough to run back into a harsh fire to save a sibling and nephew??

Or have we just become that careless… looking out for self?

What would you do??

R.I.P to all those that lost their lives in that deadly fire…

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lessons and seasons

Lately, everything in my life has been going exactly the way I want it to go which is strangely unusual. This just means that something is coming up really soon. Of course, I have stress everyday and some things/people can push me over the edge but for the most part everything is peachy. I realized yesterday that I am going to school in the fall. I dont know where it came from but I was sitting there and I just thought that maybe I should go… I have nothing to lose and everything to gain… so I’ll go to register today after work…finally. I also realized that I desperately want to be a part of the youth coucil at my church. I want to be one of the one’s that makes the decisions but more importantly I want to be the one to build the gap between the youth and the council. There are a few who take time out to really interact with the youth but I dont think it’s being done enough. I guess this is just further evidence that I am falling in love with youth ministry as a whole. I’ll pray bout that… I got some things to work on before I step into a leadership position. Another thing that I realized yesterday is that I am nothing without my friends. Yesterday evening I talked to my ex-room mate whome I haven’t spoken to in at least a good 2 months. We both kinda just got lost in our seperate lives and although we talk about every 3 months or so… it’s not enough. So I did the best thing that I could think to do… I invited her to church… Youth Day 2007. She’ll spend the entire day with me and I am excited about it. I haven’t hung out with her in sooo long and I honestly miss my sis. Everyday is full of lessons that we have to hang on to and process. The most valuable lessons that I learned yesterday:: 1. My mom is absolutely amazing and I love her dearly… no I didn’t just learn that but that fact kinda smacked me in the face last night. 2. Some people are only meant to be involved in certain things for a season and after while they have to leave. No one can fill someone elses shoes but any one can take a certain someones place. In a lil while someone that I love dearly will be making transition to somewhere she thinks is better for her and I am crushed…not for personal reasons but mainly because I dont know what will happen to whats left of them. A lot of times her words, actions, and influence is what has driven and now she is politely dismissing herself… I’m praying.

*for everything there is a season*

can i go home yet??

Posted in back track, cold, events, family, frustrations, heat, issues, work by Tanae' A. on May 29, 2007

Sooo… yesterday was a very good monday. I was able to sleep past 6:30… YaY… It felt soo good to roll over at 10:30 and smell breakfast in the air… [I love my mommy!!] I slept about half the day on and off and got some good cleaning done. Okay, how bout, I was super excited to watch Montel and the stories… LoL!! I went to bed around 11 and slept so great. I woke up happy this morning to be going to work. I was up and dressed a good 20 minutes before schedule and even had time to go to the store. Sorry to say, as soon as I walked through the door I was ready to turn around and go back the way I came… it is at most 30 degrees in this building and they will not turn the air down or the heat up… I have on some holey sweater that aint doing nothing to keep me warm at all and I am desperately praying for 4:15 to hurry up and get here so I can go home. I thank God for air but gosh darnit… this is ‘walk in freeza, hurry up and get the meat’ type of cold… this is ‘middle of  winter, snow ball fight, frost bite toes’ type of cold… no…this is ‘the Titanic done sank, send a boat to save me and my chil’ren’ type of cold… I NEED HEAT!!!!

What Love Is Not

Posted in love by Tanae' A. on May 29, 2007

[dedicated to all the wack jobs in the world who always be quick to say they love someone yet they dont even know what love is… so this is what love is not.]

love is not just 3 words

that are supposed to make

every single bad thing go away

love is not a joke

nor is it a game to be played

love is not a phone call

every three months

just to see whats poppin

love is more than

a hug and a kiss

before ya pants start droppin

love aint just you showing up

when i cry out

or say i need you

love aint you just sitting back

while my naive spirit feeds you

love is more than

a simple three words

that really dont mean shit

anybody can say i love you

but it takes someone real

to actually act on it

love aint some hurtful thing

that is out to kill and destroy

love is more than what meets the eyes

more complicated than girl and boy

love is not all peachy cream

every second every day

no, love takes hard work

as much work as play

so dont say you love someone

if it dont mean shyt to you

cause those words can really hurt

the one you say it to

3 simple words

can do more to hinder than help

love is not just a four letter word

it’s giving of yaself

when I need a friend.

Posted in friends, frustrations, him, issues, life, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 24, 2007

Today, I desperately needed someone to talk to and i was sitting here trying to figure out who the heck I could call. I called my sister but for some unknown reason she didn’t come to the phone. I called my brother then I realized that he was a total idiot. So I sent a message to the one person in the world that I just knew would not even think to respond. But he did. Just like he always does when he knows I need him. Just like the last time, when he was forced to push away all the anger he felt at the time and cater to me…again. That’s why I love him… because I know that despite everything that ever happens… he loves me too… he loved me first. And that means the world to me plus some more. I know that whenever I really need someone to talk to… if I call on him, he’ll be there. It’s like that Beyonce song… “I dont know why he loves me… and that’s why I love him. Catch me when I fall simply flaws and all thats why I love him.”

death all around me

Posted in death, events, family, frustrations, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, people I love, prayer by Tanae' A. on May 24, 2007

This morning, someone that I know just got word that her great-aunt had just passed away. It’s hard. I get this eery feeling everytime I hear of something different. So many people leaving this earth. I just keep praying everyday that the people that I love and care about and need dont make transition anytime soon. But the more I see the people around me going through grief that more fearful I become. It’s hard. Thats all I can think to say. It’s hard. Hard telling someone that everything is going to be okay. Hard not knowing what to say when she sits there crying not knowing what to do next. It’s hard. But I’m praying for her and the family. Much Love && Peace.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh…………..”

Posted in drama, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

THE DRAMA IS MAKING ME INSANE!!!

There comes a point in time where people just need to sit the hell back and really look at the situation at hand… IS IT REALLY THAT DEEP. You walk around with attitudes, huffing and puffing and blowing the whole damn house down… for what?? What is your temper tantrum going to solve. I can’t deal with the drama. I really cant. I dont know how much longer I can sit here and really take it. I am so tired of it. I wish they would all just quit it… Why cant they just grow up. It aint even that dag-on serious.

whoa…back track homie

Posted in back track, check ya flesh, decisions, karma, life by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

There are a few times in life that we have to sit back and question why we are doing certain things and what the outcome will be. A lot of times, when my mind is made up about something than thats all she wrote… I’m going thru with it. But this one time I slowed down and really took time out to think about what would come out of the decision that I had made. Luckily I eased onto the brakes before I ran head first into something that I would regret. One thing that my mother has always told me no matter what, never do things out of spite or to get revenge. I usually listen to my mom when she says stuff like that because I have seen some people reap what they sow and it was nothing pretty. Karma really is a bummer. But this one time I didnt really wanna listen to mommy and I wanted to do this anyway… not just to get someone back but to also benefit me. In the end… It probably wouldn’t matter what I was doing it for… I knew it was wrong when I planned it down to the very last detail. So now I have to back track and dismiss any plans that I had and I’m just thankful that something woke me up before I jumped into this mess. God is always on time.

Tae’

spoken word

Posted in morning, poetry, spoken word by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

I have always been a fan of spoken word… I get this feeling in me when I hear people belt out these stanzas with so much emotion. It’s invigorating… But I have never ever wanted to be on anyone’s stage until this morning. I was in my kitchen making a cheeseburger [yes i do eat cheeseburgers at 8 in the morning when i should be on the bus] when this idea came to my head. The words to this poem just jumped in my head like juju beans and it’s not the type of poem that you want someone to read from a computer screen. So if my ideas form correctly onto this paper I guess I’ll do my first spoken word piece very soon.

Who knows?? Am I really spoken word material??

It’s Me…only duplicated

Posted in clothes, death, family, friends, healing, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love, prayer, seperation, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

I have never really feared my own death. I understand that everyone is alloted a certain amount of time on this earth to do whatever it is that they have been created to do. The only thing that I have asked of God is that I go as quickly and calmly as possible. I’ve lived in dramatic rage all my life and the last thing that I want to do is die in that same hell. Suffering is what has pushed me to life, I certainly dont want it to push me to death.

Up until yesterday I’ve never really taken too much time out to dwell on the world without me. Trust the world as a whole would not be affected but my small world will. I am so afraid of the people that I love being called away from here that I never even take time out to think about my own departure. I thought about it yesterday and the only thing that I could think about is my closest friends and family having to live without me.

I think about my mom and how she calles me for every technical issue that she encounters. Without me she would have no one to drive with her everywhere in America just to pay some bills.

My grandmother wouldn’t have anyone to call her o-so-sexy on sunday evenings…and no one to make sure her phone bill is exactly a week and 3 days late.

My older sister wouldn’t have anyone to yell at for picking with her son…again. And she wouldn’t have anyone to yell at her everytime she needs someone to walk to 7-11 to get some cheese for her doritos.

My Jazzy wouldn’t have anyone to call weird everyday. Or make her laugh when she cries. Or to jump on her when she just barely falls asleep. Or to steal all the new shirts that she got over the weekend.

My Budd*y wouldn’t have anyone to flirt with on those boring nights. Or anyone to actually beat him in pool or force him to buy the french fries that noone needs.

My Phil wouldn’t have anyone to call every ten minutes. Or to book his flights back to baltimore. Or to say how much she really hates ALL his girfriends. He wouldn’t have anyone to talk about when he got a lil attitude. He wouldn’t have anyone to write him letters or walk around the corner with. No one else will sleep in his bed and force him to sit on the floor with the small pillow. He wouldn’t have anyone to make him a cup of juice just to drink it all.

My Shink wouldn’t have anyone to do everything for her that she cant do for herself. She wouldn’t have anyone to stand on her bed to cut on the light, or to steal her jewelry and red hoody. Or to bother her at 2 in the morning for nothing. Or to sit in the bathroom and talk to when she takes those 10 hour candle lit baths. She wouldn’t have anyone to order her food, or her water [3 cubes of ice no lemon] or to tie her shoes. She wouldn’t have anyone to do her bun or talk about her colors or get the hair off her shirt after having a fit with the brush. She wouldn’t have anyone to eat with or watch movies with or talk to about the stupidest things. She wouldnt have anyone to argue with or sit with or walk with down the street. She wouldn’t have anyone to complete her.

These are the only reasons that I will ever be scared of leaving this earth. I dont want my family and friends to miss me in anyway or hurt because I’m gone. Instead I wish I could send them a duplicate…not as weird or as funny or as helpful…but close to it. Maybe not the same crazy hair or choice of clothing but I want someone to come that will make their life somewhat the same as it has been for years. I dont wanna leave this earth anytime soon but if I do… I pray that I would go quick and that my family would be blessed with someone to fill my shoes… just a lil bit.

Tae’