[{GRaViTY}]

my take on relationships and marriage

Posted in commitment, love, marriage, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
ii have never ever been the relationship type. it has just never been for me. my longest, most stable relationship started when ii was in 6th grade and we were only allowed to see each other monday thru friday for the fifteen minutes that were in between classes. such a wonderful relationship i tell ya. lolzz. anyways, we were pretty much together until the 11th grade and even then the time that we spent together was limited. ii guess ii just love my space. by the time ii got to college ii started dating that idiot and when he was home we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY together but that month or two of every single day was also interrupted by three months of never so ii didnt really mind the constant company. but, even before the idiot came along ii was never the type to want people all up my azz. give me space, let me breathe. we can be friends but ii hate being tied up to one person. perhaps that is why the thought of marriage just annoys me so bad. living with someone and having to see them every single day is not something that ii think ii would like UNLESS THERE WERE CERTAIN EXCEPTIONS. granted, ii do think that one day ii will be married and begin a family but ii want things to work under my conditions. ii want a happy family and ii dont think that people stay happy together after fifty years but ii want to change the game. ii guess we can focus on the relationship part of it first so that you have a greater understanding of the whole marriage thing. most people reading this def. wont agree but oh well, it is what it is.
let me state for the record, ii believe in complete honesty but not monogamy. out of the three relationships that ii have been in, all but one of those consisted of another female being brought into the equation. the first time ii was okay and the second time ii was devastated. the first was with my first ex whome ii loved with every little teenaged bone in my body. but, he told me while we were still together that he was talking to another chick and he wanted to get to know her better. what was my response?? well, there was only one question and one request. do you want to be with me?? yes. and if so dont allow her to take away from the time that ii get which is really not that much being as tho ii feel no need to be around you 24/7. and with that ii was okay. ii knew that there was another chick, ii didnt want to know who she was. ii didnt care that there was another chick because ii was still number one. and when ii felt like ii was no longer number one ii ended the relationship and he finally told me who she was. after that they eventually got together and ii was not upset in the least bit. it was okay. now, the second time that someone cheated ii was deeply hurt, not by the act of sex but by his betrayal. before anything, we were friends, we told each other everything so thats why ii had such a hard time figuring out why on earth he wouldnt tell me that he was involved with someone else. ii would not have cared. ii mean, he was in another state for forever without me so ii would have gladly accepted it for what it was. but, ii had to find out from someone else and therefore ii was hurt by the way he handled the situation. well, this raises a question…have ii ever cheated?? not really. now, in my eyes, ii have only been cheated on once. think of it like this:: its stealing if you dont ask, if you do ask its borrowing. its not cheating if you tell me but when you go behind my back its cheating. so with that said, no ii have never cheated on anyone. ii have, however, decided to pursue other persons while in relationship [[that sounds halfway decent lolzz]] but, he looks at it as cheating because he didnt agree. ii told him what it was, ii like him, ii wanna get to know him. of course, the first question asked is “when you say get to know him does that include sexually??” well, yeah. duh. anyways, ii let him know, either you gonna stay with me or you gonna walk away. he chose to stay. do ii blame him?? no. ii assured him that even after ii “get to know” this other person ii would still be with him in the end and ii kept my word. unfortunately, he stayed with me because he didnt want to lose me and he thought that if he stayed ii would change my mind about the other dude. eventually he walked away [[he came back tho]] because he couldnt deal with the thought of me being with any other dudes. well that sounds like a personal problem. ii am no hoe, no sex crazed fanatic and ii def dont go around just sharing my goods with everybody but ii have a lot of male friends that ii like to talk to and associate with. are all these dudes getting any?? hell no. but ii am still very honest with everyone that ii talk to and perhaps that is why no one stays. ii refuse to be tied down to one person. ii can do the relationship thing but ii want my space. ii want to be able to do what ii want to do, when ii want to do it, and with who ii want to do it with. if you are a good enough person to make it to my top spot then there is no other dude that is going to come before you so ii dont know why dudes be tripin. the question was raised the other day, how would ii feel if my “boyfriend” was messing with another chick. let me make it plain for you, ii dont care. if ii hold the top spot ii know that no chick is going to take my crown and if they do then obviously the crown was plastic from the start. no biggie, just be honest enough to let me know that there is another chick and be smart enough to keep your priorities in order.
now, the big m word. ii really dont want to get married. ii feel like, if im going to spend the rest of my life with you ii dont need to waste all that money doing it. and ii dont want a marriage because so many people have so many rules as to what marriage is supposed to be. marriage is supposed to last, no matter who you marry, it is supposed to last and so you do what it takes to make it last. the woman getting a divorce cant talk about me bringing someone else into my bedroom in order to keep my marriage alive…feel me?? prob not. but the point is… marriages fail today because everyone wants it to be this fairy tale. every one thinks that after fifty years of looking at the same person you wont want anything different. well hello, we are human. either yall gonna agree to step outside the box or yall gonna get a divorce because you catch him in bed with ya next door neighbor. and ill be damned if my marriage is going to be flushed down the toilet just because ii want to act honkey dorey and act like ii dont want something other than what my man has to offer. monogamy is so like…whatever. in my opinion, marriages last when two people love each other. thats it. and as far as im concerned ii can love you while you sleep in a guest room because some nights ii want to stretch out in my own damn bed BY MYSELF… im just saying, if im gonna be married or in a serious relationship then ii want it to be on my terms. commitment is about honesty and loyalty…ii want that. now, the problem would be finding someone who wants the same thing ii want. hhmmm, not too  many men like that in the world. they all wanna cheat and then have the woman all to themselves…lolzz
i’ll say now… sorry if ii offended anyone. if you are in a serious relationship or a marriage and you make it work then more power to you, way to go. but ii just think it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay with someone for the rest of your life and never be with another person. if you are able to do it, ii commend you but ii would suggest a week’s vacation every once in a while for your stuffy life. everyone wants to be single from time to time.
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karma is my best friend and your worst enemy

Posted in actions, decisions, events, im so over it, karma, lies, right vs. wrong, thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 7, 2008
ok… never again will ii do this to a person but all ii did was tell someone the truth about what was going on. what happened from there was not my fault. its a domino effect. i pushed the first one over but ii didnt know the rest of them would fall. is that wrong?? no, its called karma and in the end she will get what she deserves. now the truth is being revealed so what else can be said?? there is no covering it up and pushing it aside. the cat is out the bag and now whatever happens is gonna happen and oh well to the one that gets hurt in the process… you hurt three people so bad so whatever you are feeling right now is what you need to feel and maybe real soon you will be begging for forgiveness but of course that will never happen because you are always the victim. someone has always wronged you. someone is always doing you dirty but yet you have been lying, cheating, deceiving, and using people for your own selfish gain. karma is what you get…

a HOLY matrix, um matrimony…nope, just easter lol

it is only wednesday and ii am already crackin up over this weeks events. easter sunday is going to be hilarious. first off, ii know somebody is going to put their daughter in some white frilly dress with sling back white sandals and hair ribbons. and that same somebody is going to put that same daughter in some ugly thin shawl that is supposed to protect her from the tiny gusts of wind that come thru on easter morning. to that mother who is planning to torture that daughter, warning:: IT IS GOING TO BE FORTY SIX DEGREES ON EASTER!!! just thought she might want to know that before she sets herself up for failure. please put your children in COATS!!
and you would not believe that after two hours of sitting for two hours on monday trying to find a song to dance to, we picked some song that is ridic. seriously tho, this song got some wack beat in it so we was practicing and ii rocked off with this holy matrix move mixed with a tick and ii promised mo that i would do that on sunday morning. lmao. this is going to be funny but like India Arie said:: a promise is a promise haha.
ii am also deciding to renew my vows on easter sunday. somewhere along the line ii drew a line in the relationship that ii have created with Jesus. so that line will be erased somewhere around the spot where 5:45 slowly turns into 6am… translation, ii will be in church bright and early on sunday morning for sunrise service and ii know that there better be a mixed crowd on that parking lot when ii get there.
ii am showing up but ii will be dippin out to get a nap in before sunday school. ii am praying that someone brings in our early dismissal forms lmao. matter fact, im getting my own leave slips just in case she forgets. this should be funny, hey, we’re just being OBEDIENT…DuH.
and um, please Jesus allow a certain someone to get her hair did before she get up to dance on sunday morning because we all know that you dont want to rise and see that mess cause ii surely dont. we want to leave this Easter holy because we understand and appreciate the sacrifice that you made just you and I both know that someone should sacrifice a few dollars to get that weave done. Amen Jesus.

sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Posted in acceptance, drama, friends, hurt, life, love, people I love, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

giving of myself

Posted in frustrations, poetry, relationships, right vs. wrong, thoughts by Tanae' A. on November 20, 2007

A lot of times it is extremely hard for me to be this really open person. Most times I keep my feelings to myself because thats where they’re most safe. No one can ignore or dismiss my feelings when they aren’t made public therefore I prefer to keep them to myself. My feelings and emotions go into my writing. My poems capture every emotion that I feel and that has become my outlet over the years. I dont confide in people. I am easily hurt and usually the hurt that I feel comes off as anger. So when someone comes along and aint really digging the way I am…I say oh well. This is me, what you see is what you get. This secretive withdrawn person. I push people away with my attitude and I keep myself guarded at all times because the second you give someone your everything you will get hurt. I learned that the hard way. No, I’m not bitter I just know better than to make the same mistake more than once. Thats why I dont really understand why I am willing to compromise right now. For some reason I have gotten to a point where I am trying to give more of myself in order to move further and this for me is like super hard to do but I am really trying. I just wish that the one person that mattered right now could see my effort and appreciate it for what it is… stop concentrating on what is so wrong and try to look at what im struggling to do right.

Tae’

where do I draw the line??

I am a lil bit stuck right now. I am almost 20 years old and I realized that my life is the way it is because I dont know where to draw the line. There is still so much in life that I want to do. I still want to go out and have fun and enjoy myself but there is a very thin line that can easily be crossed. How do I go out and have fun without throwing a hex in my growing relationship with God. Like, next weekend is my sisters 21st birthday party and she really wants me to go. I really want to go. I want to go have fun, dance the night away, chill with some friends and just enjoy myself but does that make me a hypocrite? If I sit in a club half the night and then get up to go to worship service the next morning should I feel bad about it. My problem is, I dont know where the line is drawn. These days I dont even know if there is a line but I dont want to be considered someone who lives two seperate lives. I just want to have fun and I am terrified that I’ll find myself in either of the two extremes. Either I’ll live for Christ and will not have fun at all point, blank, period. Or I’ll have fun and go too far. I dont want neither of those things to happen. I think I deserve to go out and have fun with my friends. I think I deserve to just enjoy myself every once in a while without feeling guilty about. So where do I draw the line??

when complaining isn’t enough

Posted in blessings, complaining, decisions, frustrations, G-D, issues, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on October 4, 2007

I realized the other day, as I was going thru some of my posts, that I complain a lot. Either something is wrong or something is just not quit right or something could be better. Life is not perfect, there are days that nothing will go right and a few where nothing will go wrong. I complain because I chose to… I chose to whine about the issues that I have and then I do something about it. There’s always something that can be done to make something wrong right but sometimes we cant always take full control over the entire situation. Like I said, I complain because I chose to. Some days I do it because I want to vent, somedays I do it because I have nothing better to do, but other times I do it because I feel that its what I have to do at the time. I complain in order to get the results that think are appropriate and when I dont get them I complain because nothing has been done. I complain because I walk away feeling like my complaining was in vain and often times I feel like my complaining was not enough. I was always told to take control of my own situation. I was always told to do what is best at all times. And I was always told not to dig the whole that I am standing in… I think I have totally ignored all three of those little lessons in the past week. I can’t possibly take control of my own situation when its not just involving me and its WAY bigger than I am, I’ve done my part and now I no longer have a say so in it. I thought that what I was doing was the best way to handle things but apparently I was wrong. My way of doing things didn’t agree with other people’s ways so my opinion got swept under the carpet and I am upset about it. Will I get over it?? In time I will, I just never thought that I would be faced with something like this and it has kinda put me on edge a lot. Sure, I can joke about it and laugh it off but reality is that right now I am not okay and I everything is not peachy cream and I really have an attitude with everyone who made things seem like they weren’t as important as they were. And that’s my complaining for the day.

P.S. The last time I heard the words “no news is always good news” I was severly disappointed and I unfortunately heard those words again yesterday evening from my sister. We were hoping that a financial blessing would come our way and help both of us tremendously but we were forced to wait a while for an outcome. The moment she said that, I kinda knew in the pit of my stomach that things weren’t going to come thru but I still wanted to positive and all. So this morning she calls me and lets me know that we were not approved… and I wasn’t upset at all. Sure, I wish I could get it but God will make a way when we least expect it. Maybe if she would take time out to actually PRAY then He will make a way for her. Who knows… I just know that I will NEVER speak those words about anything cause I really do hate them… with a passion.

Tae’

Music is Everything…

Posted in be the change, change, friends, good times, growth, Jasmine, Luvli Ladiez, people I love, right vs. wrong, Shink by Tanae' A. on September 18, 2007

I know that too many people went out to see the very talked about movie Dream Girls. It turned out to be better than I ever thought it would be and I even got the dvd and soundtrack. My favorite best song on the soundtrack besides Jimmy’s Jam [LoL] is a song called “I Am Changing” by Jennifer Hudson or Effie… here are the words:

 Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I can do it on my own
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dog nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Looking for some light
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

I love this song so much because, 1, she sings it with so much power as she does every other song, but mainly because of the words. We all get to a point in our lives where its time to make a change for the better. I think that everyday I change a lil. Everyday I grow a lil and everyday I’m closer to being such a better person.

The other night I sat at my best friends house til atleast 12:30. We played cards, made spaghetti, and even recorded ourselves singing a bunch of dumb songs. We just sat there, the four of us and Chelley and when I got home I was proud of the change that we all have made. I remember a day in time where Chelley could never just sit up with us because we were always doing something we shouldn’t be doing. We would have to send her to her room or something and watched as she peaked around corners or thru windows. But the other day, we sat there with her acting dumb and stupid and there was nothing wrong with it. We sat up with Big Mama for at least 3 hours and laughed and laughed and sang a bunch of songs off key because we could. Because there was nothing there to hide besides the fact that none of us can sing a lick. But it was fun. And thats where changing has got us. To some people it may be just something minor or stupid but to me that means a whole lot to be able to sit here with my bestie’s sister and grandmother and just have fun and be myself and act stupid and know that I didn’t even have the desire to go out and get into trouble. Nothing compares to that.

lets do something to help free the Jena Six

yesterday, i was at work when my bestie called me with some information. she was tellin me about something that she had heard about 6 black teens getting charged with attempted murder for beating up a white boy after they were harrassed for weeks. i didn’t really understand what she was talking about because she had limited facts but i knew that this was something she wanted to do something. she told me that she wanted to contact HebHeb to see if there was anything that we could do.

well, since there wasn’t too much that i knew about this situation i looked it up online and when i read the story of what happened i wanted to do something as well. [in my own words] in a school in Jena LA, there were 2 black kids sitting under the ‘white’ tree on their campus and white students responded by hanging nooses on the tree. after quite a while of racial tension, and harrassment by white students, a few black kids beat up a lil white boy who was part of all nonsense that had been going on. Six boys got charged with second degree attempted murder. One of the kids already went to trial and was convicted, he will be sentenced with up to 22 years. Let it be known for the record, the lil white boy went to the hospital AND WAS RELEASED THAT SAME NIGHT.

this is ridiculous. there are six kids between the ages of 16 and 18 that are facing a ridiculous amount of years for something as simple as a school fight. i dont know what can be done but i do know that i want to do something to help these boys and their families to get past this craziness. there has to be something that we can do…

What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.

Tae’