a change of plans

my thoughts and prayers are with the students, faculty and staff of Randallstown High School and well as the parents, family and friends of Steve Parrish. He was a graduating senior and scheduled to walk across the stage on Sunday. Unfortunately, his life was taken from him on yesterday May 29, 2008. I can not imagine what his family and friends are going thru. To the graduating seniors of Randallstown High, especially my lil cousin Sedria, keep yall heads up. Walk across that stage proud on Sunday. I pray that he is in a much better place and that you all hold onto his memory knowing that he was supposed to be celebrating the beginning of a new chapter with you all. Dria, babes, he might have been supposed to sit on your right side on graduation day but hopefully he’s on God’s right side right now.

Congratulations to all 2008 grads!! including Shany, TJ and my bestie JazzieGurl

ii cant really say what ii am going to do or what ii am not going to do because ii dont want to be a hypocrite…but, ii am changing a lot of things in my life as of right now. im just trying to better me fa’real because ii dont want a scare like that one ii had yesterday ever again. a new month is coming and im not pledging to change over night or to completely step into this ‘holier than tho’ attitude but ii do want to be better and do better. so therefore, ii solicit your prayers yet again. and, if you will please pray that ii am able to go back to school in the fall. ii have one REALLY BIG hurdle to jump over before ii can register but ii really really want to go. and pray for my sister, Jesus knows that cheesecake every other day would be nothing short of a blessing lmao.

God will shock you…seriously.

ii promise, if ii were God ii would be one conceited bama up in heaven just grinning lolzz. seriously. God will do some stuff and have you shocked just waiting on His next move. this week started out a lil on the down side. ii was finding out truth that ii really didnt want to learn and in the process ii didnt realize that God was showing me a whole lot more than truth. He was showing me that He can show up in the midst of anything and make something good out of it. its crazy how one person can hurt three people in such a raunchy way that they are left wondering who this person is. but in the end we are left with the last laugh. she lost three great people that loved her to death but we only lost one person who used, manipulated and lied to us all. we lost one scum bag liar and gained two wonderful friends that are strong, beautiful ladies who have a heart of gold. they always say that what the devil means for evil, God makes for good and ii never really saw that until now. we are faced with a situation that we cant just walk away from but we are so much better because of it. God found a way to put three ladies together that are strong enough to help carry one another thru this tough time. He gave me two great people, and a crazy sister, to help me laugh in the midst of my hurt. He showed me that in everything the ones that trust Him and keep Him first will be the true conquerors. In the end, I can laugh at this all and know that we are victorious and she has been defeated. I can go to sleep at night and be content after praying that God has mercy on her. I can wake in the morning and feel refreshed because I didnt lose any sleep over what has happened. God has managed to amuse me…its fun to just sit back, relax and watch Him work. He’s an awesome God and ii know He hasta look at Hisself sometimes and think just how GREAT He is… ii love this life. Thank You God!!

but i already knew that

chaos:: that is the one word that describes my entire existence. ii know that every single aspect of my life is pure chaos but somehow ii have managed to find peace in the midst of it. this perhaps, is the reason why ii continue to try to make plans that will never go thru. there’s always something that ii want to do and yet there is always something [[or someone]] that stands in the way of that. so why do ii continue on this useless cycle of making plans and having them shot down?? i dont really know. but ii know everytime ii make the plans that they will never come out the way ii want them to. so this comes as no surprise… ill be home this weekend all by myself. ii misses my shink already. ::tear:: it just sucks to know that she wont be home when ii get there and she wont be there when ii wake up in the morning. she wont be there to tell me which outfit looks better for church or to make me late for dance practice on monday. im PLANNING to buy a car tomorrow and she wont be here for that either. funny thing is, ii know that for some reason ii wont get a car tomorrow and yet ill still insist on waking up way too early in the morning to go look at what they have. then ill be mad and ill write another post about how nothing goes my way. so in order to avoid all of that ill let you all know now that my PLAN is to get a car but we all know that wont happen so ill grab hold of my attitude now and ill let my frustrations out while i have the time. nothing goes my way, but, we all know that right?? lol

Bishop, My Bishop

Bishop, My Bishop [[aka Askew]]

I never thought I would see this day. I just knew that you were gonna come back just like old times but I guess I was wrong. From the time you first got to Shiloh me and Shay loved ya lil crazy self. You are Cornell were a total package and I never thought we would have to say goodbye. Tell him that I love him and I miss him down here. Tell him that Y&YA are doing pretty darn good with this DonDon fella. Wow, I cant believe this man. This is going to be a hard one to deal with but I know that you and him probably having a blast up there on them heavenly streets. Just dont forget to watch over us and be with us every step of the way. We’ll meet again soon enough.

Rest In Peace 02-19-08

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

—>friends<—

Yesterday night I was really having a moment and it probably is not that serious to any of you but it is important to me so I’m sharing it…

As you all know I broke my phone on Saturday and the past three days have been spent filling out paper work and talking to people about getting a replacement. It was a stressful process but when I finally got to the end I was relieved. For some reason I thought that they were going to bill me for the replacement phone instead of requesting in on the spot so I was kinda upset when they asked for it last night. When I realized that I didn’t have it I got really upset because I didn’t have anyone that could spot me the money. It kinda pissed me off because when anyone needs money I’m the one that they come to. I give and give but it sucks that when I need something I have no one to turn to. I know that if I wouldn’t be there for so many people I would have had the money in my account when I needed it. But since I didn’t have it I attempted to call my “best friend” because I knew that she had money stashed away. Now, like I just said, I am always the one to give people money. If someone asks me for something and I have it I will not think twice about giving it to them expecially when I know that they are going to pay me back… check out how this conversation went…

Me –> “Hey, you got some money I can borrow til I get paid??”

Her –> “Not really but I can get it out the bank for you. How much you need??”

Me –> “a hundred…”

Her –> “for your phone?”

Me –> “yeah…”

Her –> “Oh hell no!!”

Me –> “~dial tone~”

Why did I hang up?? And why have I been ignoring her calls all morning long?? Because I’m pissed… If ever in ten million years she ever asked me for some money for ANYTHING regardless of what it is I would give it to her and wouldn’t even ask for it back but here I am askin her for some money to BORROW that I was going to pay back WITH INTEREST and she tells me know because she thinks its stupid. I never really thought that I would ever have her deny me something that I wanted that she had. So last night I was really mad. Not just at her but at the fact that when I need something no one is there to call on except my mother. One thing that I’m beginning to realize in this life is that my mother is my best friend. So, mommy gave me the money and I’ll have my phone by tomorrow but that doesn’t change how I feel. I dont need friends that are just there for certain things. I want a friend thats there for everything and my mom is the only one that is there on every level. I love my friends to death but I guess now I know that there are boundaries to everything but that sucks when I dont put restrictions in my friendship.

So today I am so thru with people who are so called friends… I just need a break from it all and I’m spending more time with mommy dearest whome I love so very very much.

He’s still God

I am so so so so grateful right now just for God showing up in more ways than one. The past two weeks have been so mind-blowing its ridiculous. Last Wednesday I ended up having to go to the library with my mom so that she could get the very well talked about book by T.D. Jakes. After she had heard so much about it she decided that she needed to read it…or maybe she is just trying to reposition herself… i dont know. But anyway, when we went they didnt have the book that she wanted but we picked up two of his books anyway. One I had never heard of and the other I heard little about but I chose the one that was more familiar. “The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord” was up next for the tackle. I read the first chapter the night that I got it and then I put it on hold. Something told me not to read it at that moment and so I put it to the side. Two days later I found myself opening this book up again and to my surprise it spoke to the very thing that I was going thru at the time. Needless to say, the past week my face has been glued to the pages of this book and its amazing because I picked it up thinking that it would speak to my relationship and not necessarily to my situation. I am almost done now and I have been trying to prolong the ending because I am sad to be finished lol. I think this is a book that I must buy because I am def going to read it again.

One thing that I want people/anybody to know is that God has a way of speaking to your situation when you least expect. I mean, everything that I struggled with over the past week has been spoken of in this book. Its so much more than a relationship. This book speaks about work~place issues, being motivated to do more in life, money and the role it plays in our lives, communication and the effect that the tongue has on people and so much more. Just when I was to the point where I’m like eff it all, God comes along and reminds me that He is still God and I am so thankful for that.

in the perfect position to pray

I was always told that when you get to your lowest point you have no where to go but up. That may be true, but I have learned to take complete advantage of being at my lowest point. You see, when you are at your lowest, you are either laid out because you have given up or you are on your knees trying to somehow get back on your feet. You are either laying prostrate or you are bowing down to Him but no matter what position you find yourself in you are in the perfect position to pray.

Right now, I am a mixture of hurt and angry but I think [well actually I know] that I am more angry than anything. Really, I’m pissed and here’s why. There was a certain someone that I wanted to help. I helped this person, gave them my last and some more but its funny how people treat you. Dont sit in my face and call me fake or anything like it cause I am the realest person that you know so you cant really sit and act like I aint real. Fake is when your words contradict your actions and if I fell into the phony category I would admit it but I am real. I tell it how it is no matter what it is. I dont say I am going to do something and then not do it and I aint never lied bout jack shit so dont step to me like you stupid. Then to top it all off you have the nerve to try and give me the boot… haha!! Okay you funny. But when I erase ya number out of my phone and keep on going like it aint nothing then you wanna come at me with all these apologies… UURRGGGHHH!!! I HATE SOME PEOPLE!! Hate is a very strong word so sorry bout that but I truely dislike the way some people act and carry themselves. I aint staying around just to have anyone act all wishy washy with me. Either you in or you out but make up your mind cause I do not have the time nor the patience for young games.

If you really wanna piss me off… come at me wit a bullcrap apology after you very rudely kick me to the curb and then get mad when I turn you down and keep walking. And if you wanna really really really wanna piss me off… come at me wrong on the day of my Christmas party WHEN I DONT HAVE ANY ALCOHOL IN MY SYSTEM YET!!

Well, other than the minor issues, today was a good day. I enjoyed my Christmas party, got some wonderful gifts, ate some great food, and took some fun pictures with some great people so I am happier than happy and my day is somewhat complete!!

&& WE know…

and we know that ALL things work together 

A few Sundays ago we sat in a service that we really didn’t want to be in. I wanted to go at first but once I got in there I realized that I wasn’t in the mood for ‘church’ and so I was only half way paying attention. I was focused on everything but what was going on right in front of me and then something grabbed my attention. It wasn’t the choir’s singing and it wasn’t the man that was preaching, nor was it the scripture that was read but it was the title of the sermon.. “He’s working it out” The sermon grabbed my attention and held on to it for dear life and at that moment in time those four words are what I needed to hear.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was back at work and unable to be by my Nana’s side and that really had me in a funk. I tried talking to friends but nothing that they said made me feel any better about any of it. Finally, I called Jess and she tried to make me feel better but I just ignored everything she said because I wanted to remain in my lil funk. By the time I got home it was dark out [[because the sun is now setting by the time lunch rolls around..ridiculous]] and I just needed to get a few hours of sleep. BUT OF COURSE THE PEOPLE THAT I LIVE WITH ARE LOUD AND RUDE AND WOULD NOT LET ME SLEEP…so I laid there in the dark for two hours thinking and praying and crying my lil eyes out.

Needless to say, today I feel better. I am still not happy about the situation that my Nana is in but I remembered that sermon from that sunday and I know that He’ll work it out. No matter how bad things look right now or how slow the process is… I know that it will be okay because the GOD the my Nana serves cant fail. She always used to tell me that God is still God and no matter what happens that will never change. He’s still God, no matter what happens today or tomorrow or what problems I have… I know that he’s still who He says He is. And I have a lil bit of faith that lets me rest assured that everything really will work itself out and its that lil bit of faith that gonna get me thru the days and weeks and months of helping my grandmother get back to her normal… she has been my strength for so long and now I have to be strong for her.

im trying to trust Him…

So, friday night was fun just like any other friday night. I did nothing but chill with my besties and eat sketti all night. I went to see Vicky-T for a while and she seems to be holding up pretty good. But, it was all fun… a great night. Then around 6:30am we get the call that put me in a funk. My Nana had a stroke. I dont think it registered at first, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up went driving and then went to the hospital and thats when it hit me. MY NANA HAD AN EFFIN STROKE!!! It’s been hard seeing her like this. To know that there is nothing i can do. Is she going to pull thru this okay?? I think she will. but its going to be a long hard process and everyone is going to have to be strong for her.

I told myself last night, after being at the hospital practically all day, that no matter what happened I would continue to have faith in God. I’m trusting that He will bring her thru this alright and things will go back to normal but even if they dont [go back to normal] i still wanna know that He is still God. No matter what happens… he’s still faithful. And even when none of us feel like being strong anymore I trust that He’s going to be there to help strengthen us. But right now I dont need him to be my strength, or my friend, or my confidant or even my provider… right now I need him to be her healer. I am unimportant. My needs are not what matters right now… I need him to bring her some strength so that she can walk again, give her some comfort for those lonely nights in that hospital bed… give her some healing that will help her to get better really soon.

i’m trying to trust Him… I really am