[{GRaViTY}]

someone cry with me….please, jus shed a tear on my behalf

ok, so everyone knows that Katt Williams is coming to town next week. and everyone knows that ii purchased the tickets the FIRST day that they went on sale because ii could not possibly risk them being sold out. ii have been waiting for this for over a month now. doing a count down in my head. but then, someone mentioned a car…and you know all those funds so necessary for tags and insurance?? well, they kinda slapped me in the face and now im a lil on the broke side. so in order to get the well waited for vehicle to be in front of my house ii have to make sacrifices. yes, ii am giving up on my future baby daddy and selling my ticket to mommy and inside ii am dying but ii know that it will all be so worth it when ii am able to get behind the wheel of MY car on this coming FRIDAY!!! [[a moment of silence for the show that ii am going to miss…]] you know what, im gonna be ok, im gonna make it thru this grieving process and me and my future baby daddy are gonna have to meet up at a block buster somewhere at a later date… matter fact…my car now has a new name… Katt Jr…. no kidding….thats the vehicle name. and ii do understand if your heart is a lil sore from the unexpected change of plans… ii know how much you all wanted me to go and see my mans…
to all you N.O.R readers, Tae’ is back in full effect. poem is posted and we keeping up with the flow. leave me some comments too, ii wanna know what yall think

because there’s always tomorrow…

so, of course, my weekends never turn out how ii want them to but ii must say that saturday was awesome!! ii didnt even bother waking up to go look for a car cause ii didnt feel like being disappointed. so, everything was cool with that one. we left the house around 12:30 after the very very GREAT news!! we had so much fun!! we ate, went to the aquarium, and even climbed all the steps to get to federal hill lolzz. by the end of the day, my feet were hurting, ii was tired and ready to go to sleep. needless to say, after the great day the drama began and the night was terrible. we got back around 9:30 and from midnight to around 5:30 am ii was up mad upset frustrated and sleepy as hell. after all the drama was over, ii felt like crap, my head was hurting from crying so darn much and ii still hadn’t been to sleep but there was no point cause ii would be forced to wake up anyway. ii got up feeling so bad, got dressed and was out the door by 9am. we were on our way to church and that was the LAST place ii wanted to be. the drive was super long but ii felt like the further we went, the further away from my problems ii was going. the more we drove, the better ii felt and by the time we got there ii was okay. the service was great, ii got the word that ii needed to hear and ii left out of there ok. we went to go eat and the food was sooo on point. by the time we got back in the car ii was knocked out for life lmao. went home, took a nap, got up, ate and watched some tv before bed. this morning ii woke up so not ready for work but ii came in here anyway. funny thing is, saturday night ii cried because ii was so pissed, hurt and just fed up but yesterday ii cried because ii knew that something better was coming and ii had something to look forward to. its not about whats going on right now, its not about the shit that is literally trying to break me down but ii know that tomorrow will be better than today and so ii always have something to look forward to…
it takes [[FAITH]] to stand but it only takes ~feet~ to walk away…
aquarium pix on flickr

caught me by surprise

Posted in crying, death, people I love, R.I.P Askew by Tanae' A. on February 20, 2008
Today started out as an okay day. I was tired and had a lot on my mind but it wasn’t a bad day. Things were good and so I decided to email a friend that I haven’t seen a while (totally her fault by the way). We discussed a few things and then right before lunch I get this email saying that she had to tell me something. What is it?? Now, I did not think that it would be anything bad. I figured she was about to share a personal life story to go along with the topic of the day but she tricked me cause the next three words I read was ~Askew William passed~ ok, do not tell me that. No, I dont wanna know. You shouldn’t have told me at all. I tried my hardest to ignore it but I just kept going back to that email and reading those same three words over and over again. There go them damn tears again. Im sitting here looking at Cornell’s pic on my desk wondering why in the world God would take both of them from us. Was He not satisfied with just one?? Maybe Cornell wanted Askew with him up there just like he was with him down here. Maybe God put them together for a reason and wanted them to remain together even after life on this Earth was over. I may not ever understand or be able to deal with the fact that two wonderful great people have been taken from us but I know that God has a plan that I dont have to understand. I was looking forward to seeing his beautiful smile again and hearing his voice and now all we have are memories. I can still see him at that organ with them arms just flying everywhere lol. You would not believe how many services me and Shay were so scared he was gonna fall backwards off that bench lol. Man, I loved me some Askew and now that he is gone I dont know what we are going to do. I’m keeping his family in my prayers and I know that Cornell is taking care of him up in heaven, they gonna give them angels up there a run for their money lol.
Rest In Peace Bishop ~ give Cornell kisses for me

Bishop, My Bishop

Bishop, My Bishop [[aka Askew]]
I never thought I would see this day. I just knew that you were gonna come back just like old times but I guess I was wrong. From the time you first got to Shiloh me and Shay loved ya lil crazy self. You are Cornell were a total package and I never thought we would have to say goodbye. Tell him that I love him and I miss him down here. Tell him that Y&YA are doing pretty darn good with this DonDon fella. Wow, I cant believe this man. This is going to be a hard one to deal with but I know that you and him probably having a blast up there on them heavenly streets. Just dont forget to watch over us and be with us every step of the way. We’ll meet again soon enough.
Rest In Peace 02-19-08

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

inspired by a life…

Posted in crying, death, faith, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain by Tanae' A. on January 7, 2008

It is always hard to deal with death but for me it is like the ultimate struggle. No matter who it is that we are saying goodbye to, I always find it extra hard to deal with. Death is truely something that i despise with like everything in me and but this time around I’m not angry. Its almost like the famous words “death where is your sting?” Usually, the death of someone can send me for a loop and altho I am really saddened right now I’m also happy. Cornell was a great guy whome I loved dearly. He was always smiling and laughing and he never complained. He showed up and pressed his way thru every obstacle and he had faith that allowed him to praise in the midst of his pain. I remember those sundays when me and Shay would come strutting in and he would give us a wink from the piano and ask if we were okay… he was always so happy. Im gonna miss him and it sucks cause I never thought in a million years that I would never see him again. I just knew that sooner rather than later I would see him make his way into that sanctuary and lead that choir like he always does. I just knew that I would be able to see him and hug him and tell him how much I love him just one more time… but that time never came. It’s sad and it hurts to know that I will never be able to see him again but inside my heart is rejoicing because I know that finally he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Finally he is at rest and I know that he is somewhere in the heavens singing his lil heart out. Oh God, I’m going to miss that voice of his. There will never be another Cornell. There will never be another person that inspires me the way he does. I looked at him with so much admiration because it was amazing to me how someone can go thru so much but still have this smile on their face and this aura about him. There was something about Cornell that you just couldn’t help but love and it was like everytime I saw him I just couldn’t complain about anything because its people like him that make my situations look small. Its people like him that teach me to appreciate life and its people like him that cause me to have faith. Because I know that if even thru everything that he went thru he can trust in God and still praise God and still do the work of the Lord then I know that the same God that kept that smile on his face can keep a smile on mine as well. I will never ever forget him, I love him and I am so blessed to have known someone like him. I thank God for his life.

[[R.I.P Cornell]]

watch over us from your seat up in heaven

farewell 2 my brother…

Posted in crying, friends, moving on by Tanae' A. on January 3, 2008

tomorrow my brother will be getting on a bus to go back to South Carolina. that means that today will be the last day that i get to spend with him for a while and i am a lil bit upset about it. i am going to miss him oh so much but i am really happy that he is making the decision that he’s making. i do think that he is doing what’s right but i want to keep him here for selfish reasons. well, i guess i’ll get used to it and i’ll be taking a trip down south soon and very soon to spend time with my brudder and best friend Dilly.bffs-4ever.jpg

&& WE know…

and we know that ALL things work together 

A few Sundays ago we sat in a service that we really didn’t want to be in. I wanted to go at first but once I got in there I realized that I wasn’t in the mood for ‘church’ and so I was only half way paying attention. I was focused on everything but what was going on right in front of me and then something grabbed my attention. It wasn’t the choir’s singing and it wasn’t the man that was preaching, nor was it the scripture that was read but it was the title of the sermon.. “He’s working it out” The sermon grabbed my attention and held on to it for dear life and at that moment in time those four words are what I needed to hear.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was back at work and unable to be by my Nana’s side and that really had me in a funk. I tried talking to friends but nothing that they said made me feel any better about any of it. Finally, I called Jess and she tried to make me feel better but I just ignored everything she said because I wanted to remain in my lil funk. By the time I got home it was dark out [[because the sun is now setting by the time lunch rolls around..ridiculous]] and I just needed to get a few hours of sleep. BUT OF COURSE THE PEOPLE THAT I LIVE WITH ARE LOUD AND RUDE AND WOULD NOT LET ME SLEEP…so I laid there in the dark for two hours thinking and praying and crying my lil eyes out.

Needless to say, today I feel better. I am still not happy about the situation that my Nana is in but I remembered that sermon from that sunday and I know that He’ll work it out. No matter how bad things look right now or how slow the process is… I know that it will be okay because the GOD the my Nana serves cant fail. She always used to tell me that God is still God and no matter what happens that will never change. He’s still God, no matter what happens today or tomorrow or what problems I have… I know that he’s still who He says He is. And I have a lil bit of faith that lets me rest assured that everything really will work itself out and its that lil bit of faith that gonna get me thru the days and weeks and months of helping my grandmother get back to her normal… she has been my strength for so long and now I have to be strong for her.

saying goodbye

Tomorrow morning sad and hurting hearts will gather to say goodbye to Ms. Sarah. They will come together to support one another and to pay their last respects to a lady that will not be forgotten. I wish I could go but unfortunately I have to work but my sister and bestie are all going to support the family, especially Victoria. I think goodbye is one of the hardest things that we can say to someone and this week I know that lots have struggled with having to say those two simple words. I am happy tho, and I feel very blessed to know that I am apart of a supporting church family that comes together no matter what happens to support one another. I am happy that so many of Shiloh’s members have gathered in that house that I have walked past so many times. They have gone to support a family that is pained by a loss. I know that tomorrow will be hard day for them and my prayers are def. wit them all day long. I just hope and pray that even after tomorrow, they remember that God is there to comfort them and that she is there watching over them all but more importantly she is in their hearts.

Good bye Ms. Sarah… watch over us all

R.I.P Brielle… && thank you for strengthening the gurls. They miss you terribly but they are doing so good and they are growing and realizing that life is worth living. Thank you especially for watching and keeping Lucy, you have somehow managed to give her some type of direction and I know that you are proud of her. She is a beautiful girl and she is learning to be as strong as you were. One Love.

Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah

Posted in blessings, crying, death, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

I remember it almost like it was yesterday. It was hot outside but I still walked across that road to get to this house. To this day, I do not remember what I was going to get but I know that whatever it was, I had to wait for it. I knocked on the screen door and peeked inside to see if anyone was there. Then she came, with this great big smile and her lovely voice, she told me to come in and sit down in the big chair. Because the big chair was for guests. We sat there for at least 15 minutes not talking about anything in particular. I liked this lady, she was sweet and sincere and genuine. She had love in her eyes and she still had a sway in her lil walk. The house smelled fresh, like she had just cleaned but it wasn’t the least bit stuffy. She got up from her chair, went into the kitchen and got whatever it was that I went there for. She handed it to me with a smile on her face and just like my grandmother would do, she held my hand as I walked to the door. She stood there, I walked across the street and half way across the parking lot and she was still there with that smile on her face. I turned around and waved at her and she yelled out the door… “you better come back and see me, ya hear”

She had the kindest heart in america. I remember so many times after that, I would walk by that door and she would yell out, telling me to put on my coat or zippen up my jacket, or be careful crossing that road. Ms. Sarah will always be remembered. She will always be loved and her smile is one that I will never forget. I know that she is in heaven smiling down and right now I wish that she would just hold Vicky-T and comfort her through this.

My prayers are with their entire family, I know that this is a hard time for them.

Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah… I know you’re with God up in heaven