[{GRaViTY}]

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.
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2 Responses

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  1. cordieb said, on February 14, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    No one likes or desires rejection. However, an early rejection usually saves you from a great deal of pain, grief, and heartache, in the long run. There are also those times when what you have is not really what you want, but you convince yourself that it is what you need, and you settle. Well, if the other person rejects you, guess what! you are saved from having to run away yourself! Rejection is most traumatic when you start out in the relationship feeling needy, have a possessive need to be loved, or are in the relationship for material things. When you enter a relationship feeling needy and unfulfilled, rejection can feel devestating, because you never got the chance to really love and appreciate your own selfworth. In those situations you must not become withdrawn or feel hopeless. First, you must realize that your creator will not keep anything in your life that is not for your good. This rejection could have occurred to teach you a life lesson or give you another perspective on life. Next, ask yourself, what is it that this person has that is so great, and why is it you don’t think you can get it anywhere else. If you understand that you can only draw to yourself that which is a reflection of yourself, you will begin to see rejection in another light. If you still do not fully love and appreciate your self worth, you will surely draw the same type of relationship issues back to you again. When you enter any relationship, you should be and feel the best you can about your self and your life. If you get rejected, it could very well be that you have to work on self a little bit more, and that includes loving yourself so that you only draw to you what’s worthy of you.

    Happy Valentines Day! Keep your head up, and I will surely keep you in my prayers. I’ve been there before, don’t wanna go there no more. But, life is life.

  2. Juli said, on March 27, 2009 at 1:45 am

    You will survive. Thank you for wrighting what I feel.


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