[{GRaViTY}]

we live here…you & me.

Posted in death, family, friends, im so over it, lost one, people I love by Tanae' A. on July 15, 2008
right now ii am upset. enraged. mad. because of the world that we live in. can we really not go outside in the street without being scared for our lives?? can we really not step into a club or party without getting shot up or beat down?? is this really our reality?? we live here. this is where we call home. some friends of mine lost their cousin on sunday night. he was at a party. enjoying his self. having fun. at the end of the night he wasn’t breathing. ii didnt know him. i’ve seen him before but ii couldn’t point him out in a crowd if someone paid me. but ii know his family. ii know his cousins and his friends. ii know the people that are hurt over his death. ii know that this is not a place that ii want to live. ii know that ii dont want to call this home if people are losing their lives ridiculously. ii know that this is not the place that ii want to have children because im scared that their lives will be in danger every time they walk out of the door.
Tyrelle, Kashay, Ryeisha and family…keep yall heads up. everything happens for a reason and God wont give you more than you can handle. you too Te and Jon, im here if you need me
Rest In Peace Tariq Alston 07/13/08

.just.so.tired.

Posted in choir, church, dancing, FOOD!!, friends, getaway, help me!!, im so over it, prayer, Shiloh, tired, [[o8 aint 4 me]] by Tanae' A. on April 22, 2008
im tired yall. really tired. just of the day to day ritual. tired of the everyday people, the everyday headache…the everyday bullshit. tired. tired of trying, tired of helping, tired of being used. tired. just. plain. old. tired. no if ands buts on the end of it…maybe a yarn or two.
yesterday i had to cut off a real cool chick cause being friends with her was keeping me tied to someone else that i didnt want to continue being stuck to in any kind of way. we talked about it and she was cool with it, understood the situation and after that i felt free to walk away. im no longer tied to someone and now that chapter is over with. thank God.
now. i tried the same thing with JHW II but there is no way to be free from that. everywhere i turn there is some way that i am connected to him. i mean, we go to the same church for Christ’s sake and even tho he is hardly ever there….uummm HELLO do you not see his fam and friends surrounding me?? thats a book that has no ending so i guess ill be stuck to him forever…its draining.
i call myself trying to be a friend. i try to be nice, i really do. i let someone who called me their best friend borrow money. the first time i aint think twice about it. she was about to start a new job and just needed gas money. of course ima give it to her especially since she gave me a ride home that day. she claimed she was going to give it back to me and i wasn’t really worried about it… what is ten dollars?? nothing. so two weeks later she had lost that job and was about to start a new job [[did i mention that this chick cant keep a job to save her life??]] and of course was broke and needed money. so, after thinking about i figured id give her some money cause at least she is TRYING to get a job and do something positive. mind you, this wasnt no chumo  change…this was some serious dough, no joke. so, about a week later she loses that job, outrageous yes. so i decides im not going to say anything about the money for a minute cause she needed a chance to get back on her feet. so about three weeks later i asked her when she would have the money and told her i wasnt expecting it all at once. she says that she would have it all on the following friday. by the time the next wednesday came she asked me if she could wait two weeks til the 26th. of course, i said yeah. at least she came at me and asked if i could hold out and i really didnt even need the money. so the 26th rolls around and you would think that she would call me, txt me, im me, hit me up on the space…something. nope. didnt hear from this chick at all. so two days later she texted my phone like she aint owe me nothing…just talking bout nothing. ok, wait a minute, something aint right. i let her go a week just to see if she would mention the money at all. nope. silence. no money talk round here. so by that point i was irritated…not even mad fa’real. i called her and asked when she was going to have the money and after that she been ducking me out ever since. not answering my phone calls or nothing. she was supposed to bring it last week but of course something happened and two days later she magically lost her bank card. so you know what i did?? i went to every single bank website that i could think of and checked to see how long it takes to send a new bank card thru the mail. THE LONGEST THAT IT TAKES TO GET A NEW BANK CARD IS THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS. ok, she lost the card on saturday so that means it should be in the mail by monday morning and at her house by wednesday or friday.  that means, ill be knocking at her door on saturday evening and if my money aint in my hand my fist will be in her face. sorry but im tired.
pastor’s anniversary is in two weeks. am i excited?? yes and no. excited because first…FREE DINNER!!! i know, i know, the first reason should be because i just love my pastor so much [[which i do]] but…i love food just so much more and you know FREE food is the best food ever invented. so second reason i am excited is because i love my bishop oh so much. third reason…we have three wonderful great menses of GOD preaching and i know that it is going to be a holy ghost filled day. reasons why i am not excited…first, three services, from 7:30 am to around 6:30 pm i will be in Shiloh, around church going people and in church clothes that i do not want to be in for more than two hours max. reason number two, i just got a text message two minutes ago saying that ALL choirs must sing. that means, i have to go to rehearsal and on top of that i have to dance. singing and dancing all day long is not going to work for me so i am going to go to both rehearsals and then decide which one i want to be bothered with because the changing and stresses of both will not be working. reason number three… who in their right mind decided that it was ok to tell Tanae’ that pastors anniversary was coming up two weeks before it comes…ok, allow me to get my head together please. thank you.
im tired. just tired and worn out. tired. i just want to go somewhere far far away and sleep for two days straight and pray for eternity and then come back to try it again. sometimes we just need to get away from the world and just spend some alone time with us and God… until i get to get away ill just be tired and hopefully you will keep praying.

{{heartless}}

Posted in fed-up, forgiveness, im so over it, life's a game, Tae' by Tanae' A. on April 10, 2008
after a while, when one person is hurt and walked over enough they close up. they shut down, put their heart on lock and vow to never ever trust again. after being lied to, cheated on, messed over, abandoned and left alone a person would understandably chose to give up. how much hurt does one person live thru before they become heartless?? ii never wanted to be that person. ii always said, every time ii got hurt, that ii would pick up the pieces and continue on. ii promised myself that ii would always have a heart and ii would always care but ii lied. ii took the heat, ii got thru it and the finished product was there but someone decided to put the icing on the damn cake a tad bit too soon. so guess what:: im over it. tae’ no longer has a heart. tae’ no longer has feelings. tae’ is a closed book. ii forgave everyone that has ever done me wrong, ever lied, cheated, stole, used, or manipulated…i forgave. but im angry, pissed and just plain enraged…forget about the hurt, hurt went out the door along with my heart…im just plain mad. ii was once the nice lil good girl that was there no matter what, and ii was always the one you called, or the one that gave and broke my damn back for you but no more…im thru loving, im thru helping, im thru being there for anyone so here is my apology. ii say sorry to the ones to come that are true because ii will never open my heart again. in 20 [[and a half]] years ii have seen more hurt than anyone should ever see so the shop is shut down…say what you will, think what you want…but until you walk in my shoes and live thru the hurt i lived thru and do what i have done only to have every good deed unappreciated dont judge me. im a heartless chick and i HATE every cunt that wronged me.

karma is my best friend and your worst enemy

Posted in actions, decisions, events, im so over it, karma, lies, right vs. wrong, thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 7, 2008
ok… never again will ii do this to a person but all ii did was tell someone the truth about what was going on. what happened from there was not my fault. its a domino effect. i pushed the first one over but ii didnt know the rest of them would fall. is that wrong?? no, its called karma and in the end she will get what she deserves. now the truth is being revealed so what else can be said?? there is no covering it up and pushing it aside. the cat is out the bag and now whatever happens is gonna happen and oh well to the one that gets hurt in the process… you hurt three people so bad so whatever you are feeling right now is what you need to feel and maybe real soon you will be begging for forgiveness but of course that will never happen because you are always the victim. someone has always wronged you. someone is always doing you dirty but yet you have been lying, cheating, deceiving, and using people for your own selfish gain. karma is what you get…

because there’s always tomorrow…

so, of course, my weekends never turn out how ii want them to but ii must say that saturday was awesome!! ii didnt even bother waking up to go look for a car cause ii didnt feel like being disappointed. so, everything was cool with that one. we left the house around 12:30 after the very very GREAT news!! we had so much fun!! we ate, went to the aquarium, and even climbed all the steps to get to federal hill lolzz. by the end of the day, my feet were hurting, ii was tired and ready to go to sleep. needless to say, after the great day the drama began and the night was terrible. we got back around 9:30 and from midnight to around 5:30 am ii was up mad upset frustrated and sleepy as hell. after all the drama was over, ii felt like crap, my head was hurting from crying so darn much and ii still hadn’t been to sleep but there was no point cause ii would be forced to wake up anyway. ii got up feeling so bad, got dressed and was out the door by 9am. we were on our way to church and that was the LAST place ii wanted to be. the drive was super long but ii felt like the further we went, the further away from my problems ii was going. the more we drove, the better ii felt and by the time we got there ii was okay. the service was great, ii got the word that ii needed to hear and ii left out of there ok. we went to go eat and the food was sooo on point. by the time we got back in the car ii was knocked out for life lmao. went home, took a nap, got up, ate and watched some tv before bed. this morning ii woke up so not ready for work but ii came in here anyway. funny thing is, saturday night ii cried because ii was so pissed, hurt and just fed up but yesterday ii cried because ii knew that something better was coming and ii had something to look forward to. its not about whats going on right now, its not about the shit that is literally trying to break me down but ii know that tomorrow will be better than today and so ii always have something to look forward to…
it takes [[FAITH]] to stand but it only takes ~feet~ to walk away…
aquarium pix on flickr

but i already knew that

chaos:: that is the one word that describes my entire existence. ii know that every single aspect of my life is pure chaos but somehow ii have managed to find peace in the midst of it. this perhaps, is the reason why ii continue to try to make plans that will never go thru. there’s always something that ii want to do and yet there is always something [[or someone]] that stands in the way of that. so why do ii continue on this useless cycle of making plans and having them shot down?? i dont really know. but ii know everytime ii make the plans that they will never come out the way ii want them to. so this comes as no surprise… ill be home this weekend all by myself. ii misses my shink already. ::tear:: it just sucks to know that she wont be home when ii get there and she wont be there when ii wake up in the morning. she wont be there to tell me which outfit looks better for church or to make me late for dance practice on monday. im PLANNING to buy a car tomorrow and she wont be here for that either. funny thing is, ii know that for some reason ii wont get a car tomorrow and yet ill still insist on waking up way too early in the morning to go look at what they have. then ill be mad and ill write another post about how nothing goes my way. so in order to avoid all of that ill let you all know now that my PLAN is to get a car but we all know that wont happen so ill grab hold of my attitude now and ill let my frustrations out while i have the time. nothing goes my way, but, we all know that right?? lol

im so over it…

Posted in im so over it, life, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 12, 2008
on saturday corey was sitting in my living room all day long. we laughed, talked, watched tv and played around like two lil elementary school kids. so, whats so wrong about it?? the entire time he was sitting there ii was wishing that it was my honey sitting in his seat. ii didnt say anything tho. ii enjoyed myself and went on like nothing was wrong altho part of me was aching for this long lost love. yesterday was spent running around the office, cleaning the house and doing some other necessary things and so ii wasnt really on my phone too much. im usually txting someone all day long but yesterday ii was on chills and corey had a damn fit about that. first off, you aint my man, we just friends so if ii dont want to talk to you for a day please catch yaself before you go off. ii explained to him yesterday that ii was busy and ii wasnt really into txting anyone most of the day. so this morning when ii txted him he wanted to try to call me out on some bull crap. tell me why this fool wanna tell me that im tripin because ii decided not to talk to him for a day. so after almost an hour of going back and forth with him ii was just like whatev, im not dealing with this mess. so he tells me to erase his number out my phone. ok, to those of you that dont know me, telling me to erase ya number out of my phone is like the last straw for me. im deleting ya numbers, ya email addresses, you off my friends list, im erasing ya voice messages, deleting ya pix and anything else that got anything to do with you. dont play. so ii eventually got to the point where ii was just so over it. you aint even cool peoples if you can trip on me over me not txting you for a day so you aint somebody that ii want in my life on any kind of level. ii laugh at it tho because its like everything that you ever said is now bullshit to me. like really, im real with everybody, before we even become friends ill tell you straight up what you bout to get yaself into but dont try to pull my card over one day that ii dont talk to you.  boy bye.
so, from now on this is how its gonna go… im on chills. the summer is almost here and ii am doing me. im focused on Tae’ and im trying to have fun and enjoy my life so anybody thats coming at me tryin to throw me off can go somewhere fareal. ii aint got time for no dudes that on some trip shit. omg, you would not believe, i met this dude a good month ago and he already talking bout he can see hisself marrying me… ok, you are CR@ZY!!! anyways… whatever, ii am focused on today and forever will take care of itself. there are so many things to be concerned about and somebody flipin over something stupid is not top priority. im so over it. really.