[{GRaViTY}]

.just.so.tired.

Posted in choir, church, dancing, FOOD!!, friends, getaway, help me!!, im so over it, prayer, Shiloh, tired, [[o8 aint 4 me]] by Tanae' A. on April 22, 2008
im tired yall. really tired. just of the day to day ritual. tired of the everyday people, the everyday headache…the everyday bullshit. tired. tired of trying, tired of helping, tired of being used. tired. just. plain. old. tired. no if ands buts on the end of it…maybe a yarn or two.
yesterday i had to cut off a real cool chick cause being friends with her was keeping me tied to someone else that i didnt want to continue being stuck to in any kind of way. we talked about it and she was cool with it, understood the situation and after that i felt free to walk away. im no longer tied to someone and now that chapter is over with. thank God.
now. i tried the same thing with JHW II but there is no way to be free from that. everywhere i turn there is some way that i am connected to him. i mean, we go to the same church for Christ’s sake and even tho he is hardly ever there….uummm HELLO do you not see his fam and friends surrounding me?? thats a book that has no ending so i guess ill be stuck to him forever…its draining.
i call myself trying to be a friend. i try to be nice, i really do. i let someone who called me their best friend borrow money. the first time i aint think twice about it. she was about to start a new job and just needed gas money. of course ima give it to her especially since she gave me a ride home that day. she claimed she was going to give it back to me and i wasn’t really worried about it… what is ten dollars?? nothing. so two weeks later she had lost that job and was about to start a new job [[did i mention that this chick cant keep a job to save her life??]] and of course was broke and needed money. so, after thinking about i figured id give her some money cause at least she is TRYING to get a job and do something positive. mind you, this wasnt no chumo¬† change…this was some serious dough, no joke. so, about a week later she loses that job, outrageous yes. so i decides im not going to say anything about the money for a minute cause she needed a chance to get back on her feet. so about three weeks later i asked her when she would have the money and told her i wasnt expecting it all at once. she says that she would have it all on the following friday. by the time the next wednesday came she asked me if she could wait two weeks til the 26th. of course, i said yeah. at least she came at me and asked if i could hold out and i really didnt even need the money. so the 26th rolls around and you would think that she would call me, txt me, im me, hit me up on the space…something. nope. didnt hear from this chick at all. so two days later she texted my phone like she aint owe me nothing…just talking bout nothing. ok, wait a minute, something aint right. i let her go a week just to see if she would mention the money at all. nope. silence. no money talk round here. so by that point i was irritated…not even mad fa’real. i called her and asked when she was going to have the money and after that she been ducking me out ever since. not answering my phone calls or nothing. she was supposed to bring it last week but of course something happened and two days later she magically lost her bank card. so you know what i did?? i went to every single bank website that i could think of and checked to see how long it takes to send a new bank card thru the mail. THE LONGEST THAT IT TAKES TO GET A NEW BANK CARD IS THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS. ok, she lost the card on saturday so that means it should be in the mail by monday morning and at her house by wednesday or friday.¬† that means, ill be knocking at her door on saturday evening and if my money aint in my hand my fist will be in her face. sorry but im tired.
pastor’s anniversary is in two weeks. am i excited?? yes and no. excited because first…FREE DINNER!!! i know, i know, the first reason should be because i just love my pastor so much [[which i do]] but…i love food just so much more and you know FREE food is the best food ever invented. so second reason i am excited is because i love my bishop oh so much. third reason…we have three wonderful great menses of GOD preaching and i know that it is going to be a holy ghost filled day. reasons why i am not excited…first, three services, from 7:30 am to around 6:30 pm i will be in Shiloh, around church going people and in church clothes that i do not want to be in for more than two hours max. reason number two, i just got a text message two minutes ago saying that ALL choirs must sing. that means, i have to go to rehearsal and on top of that i have to dance. singing and dancing all day long is not going to work for me so i am going to go to both rehearsals and then decide which one i want to be bothered with because the changing and stresses of both will not be working. reason number three… who in their right mind decided that it was ok to tell Tanae’ that pastors anniversary was coming up two weeks before it comes…ok, allow me to get my head together please. thank you.
im tired. just tired and worn out. tired. i just want to go somewhere far far away and sleep for two days straight and pray for eternity and then come back to try it again. sometimes we just need to get away from the world and just spend some alone time with us and God… until i get to get away ill just be tired and hopefully you will keep praying.

someone cry with me….please, jus shed a tear on my behalf

ok, so everyone knows that Katt Williams is coming to town next week. and everyone knows that ii purchased the tickets the FIRST day that they went on sale because ii could not possibly risk them being sold out. ii have been waiting for this for over a month now. doing a count down in my head. but then, someone mentioned a car…and you know all those funds so necessary for tags and insurance?? well, they kinda slapped me in the face and now im a lil on the broke side. so in order to get the well waited for vehicle to be in front of my house ii have to make sacrifices. yes, ii am giving up on my future baby daddy and selling my ticket to mommy and inside ii am dying but ii know that it will all be so worth it when ii am able to get behind the wheel of MY car on this coming FRIDAY!!! [[a moment of silence for the show that ii am going to miss…]] you know what, im gonna be ok, im gonna make it thru this grieving process and me and my future baby daddy are gonna have to meet up at a block buster somewhere at a later date… matter fact…my car now has a new name… Katt Jr…. no kidding….thats the vehicle name. and ii do understand if your heart is a lil sore from the unexpected change of plans… ii know how much you all wanted me to go and see my mans…
to all you N.O.R readers, Tae’ is back in full effect. poem is posted and we keeping up with the flow. leave me some comments too, ii wanna know what yall think

but i already knew that

chaos:: that is the one word that describes my entire existence. ii know that every single aspect of my life is pure chaos but somehow ii have managed to find peace in the midst of it. this perhaps, is the reason why ii continue to try to make plans that will never go thru. there’s always something that ii want to do and yet there is always something [[or someone]] that stands in the way of that. so why do ii continue on this useless cycle of making plans and having them shot down?? i dont really know. but ii know everytime ii make the plans that they will never come out the way ii want them to. so this comes as no surprise… ill be home this weekend all by myself. ii misses my shink already. ::tear:: it just sucks to know that she wont be home when ii get there and she wont be there when ii wake up in the morning. she wont be there to tell me which outfit looks better for church or to make me late for dance practice on monday. im PLANNING to buy a car tomorrow and she wont be here for that either. funny thing is, ii know that for some reason ii wont get a car tomorrow and yet ill still insist on waking up way too early in the morning to go look at what they have. then ill be mad and ill write another post about how nothing goes my way. so in order to avoid all of that ill let you all know now that my PLAN is to get a car but we all know that wont happen so ill grab hold of my attitude now and ill let my frustrations out while i have the time. nothing goes my way, but, we all know that right?? lol

Bishop, My Bishop

Bishop, My Bishop [[aka Askew]]
I never thought I would see this day. I just knew that you were gonna come back just like old times but I guess I was wrong. From the time you first got to Shiloh me and Shay loved ya lil crazy self. You are Cornell were a total package and I never thought we would have to say goodbye. Tell him that I love him and I miss him down here. Tell him that Y&YA are doing pretty darn good with this DonDon fella. Wow, I cant believe this man. This is going to be a hard one to deal with but I know that you and him probably having a blast up there on them heavenly streets. Just dont forget to watch over us and be with us every step of the way. We’ll meet again soon enough.
Rest In Peace 02-19-08

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

giving up on everything

Posted in [[o8 aint 4 me]] by Tanae' A. on January 14, 2008

i feel like my life is kinda at a dead end and its bothering me. i have a lot of plans for the 08 but its almost the end of January and im worse off then i was before this new year got here. My bank account is blown because it seems like everybody needs money and everytime i try to put something in i end having to take some out. One thing that I cant do is leave people hanging but some people just aint the helpin type and usually when i help ppl i dont expect anything in return. Back in like November I let a friend borrow a lot of money [[like not no 20 or 50 bucks]] and i told her to give it back when she gets back on her feet. So Christmas time rolls around and she callin me tellin me bout all this stuff she bought herself and her roommate and all this other stuff but what happened to my money?? Seems like someone in my fam is always needing money for this or that and I really dont mind giving money to family because if i need it they got me. Today one of my homegirls calls me to ask if I can spot her some change. I AM NOT THE BANK!! I am trying to buy a car, go back to school and get out of debt so i dont have money to be giving ppl left and right. Then I feel like the more I try to do stuff the more ppl come along and harass me about it. IM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!! Well at least that was the plan but now im to the point where i dont wanna do shit. I came into the new year wit mad goals, money and a lot of open doors but now it seems like the goals are shot my money is gone and the doors have been slammed in my face so im giving up. I’ll continue being the disappointment that I am cause I aint doing nothing and 08 can kiss my rear end. Seems like every time i try to do something reality comes to bite me in the butt and maybe i really am living in a fantasy world. All the shit that i want out of life aint attainable, maybe for other ppl but not for someone like me. This year aint nothing but another 365 days to get thru and thats what im going to do regardless. I’m tired of gettin ahead only to have life push me back…

[[08 aint 4 me]]