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ii think ii just fell in love all over again :)

Posted in back to the past, back track, church, memories, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 11, 2008
you know how you have that one thing from when you were little that just makes you smile all over just thinking about it because for two seconds when you get to relive that memory you feel like you were ten all over again?? well thats how ii felt a few minutes ago when ii spotted someone with penny candy. oh.dear.Jesus. it was as if ii had seen the light and went to my own personal heaven for all of two minutes. ii haven’t had penny candy in ssooossooossoossoo long. and it took me back to them good ol friendship days when we would ALL walk from my grandmothers house to sunday school and on the way we would all stop at Speed’s just to get two dollars in penny candy.a piece. it was the only way we could stay woke during the service lol. by the time we got back in the house we would be emptying out pockets and purses that were stuffed to the max with wrappers and we would all get yelled at for eating all that candy in church. after while our parents just stopped fussing about it. right now. ii got me a whole bag of penny candy. no, ii cant eat it all in two hours…ill prob die if ii tried. but by the end of two days im sure ill be cleaning my purse of all the wrappers that ii will be sure to leave behind. ii feel like a kid again and it feels damn good. see what penny candy will do to?? lmao.

im excited about this crap…

today my big sis In and my nephew will be moving out. a town home not far from my house is calling their name and i secretly want them to stay…but this means good shit for me lol.
i can finally move out of my hole in the wall and into a SPACIOUS area. and i am syked because i bought a BIG bed today and a dresser that is soo nice. im getting the other dresser, night stand and wardrobe soon as i get some more money but i see change and i am excited about it.
and, hold up, biggest hype of all….I GET TO PAINT!!! YaY for me lol. I actually decide that I am going to paint two of my walls a pale green which is so hott. the gay dude on flip that house told me that when you do that it makes the room look more spacious. awesome right!! lol.  i know.
and easter is right around the corner and i am excited about the next three weekends. this weekend im moving so thats the plus about today. next weekend is easter, im going to see Meet The Browns on friday [still skeptical about the same ol same ol good friday service] saturday we are going out for mommy’s birthday and sunday is easter and dinner at the crib. the weekend after that shay and jazzy are going to the bahamas..ooohhh. and my LeyLey is coming to stay with me. we are going to the aquarium on saturday and im sending my mommy to see the Marriage Counselor on sunday. the first weekend in april we are having a girls night just like the old days. all the chicks are gonna be in bmore so we back like the 80’s, dont get it twisted. lmao.
oh and im gettin my hair and nails did tomorrow… no, there’s not a dude, im doing it for me. cause sometimes a chick needs to spoil herself.

never felt hurt like this before

The worst pain is the kind that you cant smile thru… You ever had a splinter so deep in your finger that no matter which way you tried to move it it still hurt?? Some plinters I used to get would stick out a lil bit so I knew that if I pushed it in the direction that it was going it would feel a lil better because it was slowly making its way out. But, there are some that you can push and push and push but the pain only seems to get worse. There are some that try to move this way and that but it doesn’t subside and its those kinda splinters you know are gonn hurt like hell to get rid of. Well, I have a splinter like that in my heart, making its way to my soul and diminishing my faith. I try to move forward and backwards and this way and that but no matter where I try to move to, this pain is still there. A lot of times I complain and say that there is so much going on. A lot of times a little can look like a lot to me, I know this. But you ever been going thru so much stuff at one time that you cant even figure out in your own mind where to begin the healing process?? My faith isn’t completely gone, I still have a lil bit of something there that I’m trying to hold onto for dear life because I know that as soon as I lose my faith I’m as good as gone. But its hard. The hardest part really, is not having anyone to talk to or listen or care but even more than that its me admitting to myself that I need someone to talk to, to listen and to care. I get so used to doing everything on my own that when I actually need someone it takes a whole lot out of me to admit that but I am coming to realize that I need someone… anyone to be there. The problem is, however, that I dont have anyone because slowly but surely im realizing that I dont have friends that I can go and sit down with and talk to. It sucks because I try and try to be strong but I cant get thru on my own. I cant get thru on my own strength but I know that if I have a few faithful people praying me thru than maybe I can make it to see a brighter day. I know that everything that I am going thru is not in vain. I know that my tears are here for a reason and in the end God is only doing a work in me but I also know that I cant handle it all on my own. I know that if someone would just get on their knees and pray then maybe I can have the strength required to get out of bed in the morning. I know that if some people would just go to God on my behalf than at least I can gain enough strength and faith to get thru this tough time. because quiet as its kept, I dont have the necessary strength needed to get thru. I dont have what it takes to make it thru and I really dont even know that I’ll make it see next week if I have to rely on myself but I know that if I take the lil bit of faith that I have and a few prayers than I can at least find the strength to go to God on my own. I cant talk to anybody, I cant tell nobody bout what im going thru cause wont nobody understand but if a few people would mention my name to God before they go to sleep at night than maybe I can make it through the night. This is a pain never before felt. A hurt that is cuttin me so deep on the inside that its sometimes too much to keep going. I thought about so many things I could do to numb myself but I cant do that. I could easily go out and smoke something or pop a few pills. I could grab a pint of henney and flush out all the pain with every sip. I could even call someone for a quick lay but what would it do?? Start me on a downward path back to the place that i’ve fought so hard to come from. You dont know how bad I want to go back to that but I refuse to compromise my growth in order to feel some type of temporary relief. So Satan, hit me with ya hardest punch but im not giving up. If I gotta get people everyday to pray me thru than thats what I’ll do. If I gotta cry all day long then thats what I’ll do. If I gotta be on my knees all day long praying to God for some kinda strength than thats what I do but I refuse to go back… I just need yall to pray, real talk. Just pray that I make it thru this in one piece, I know its gonna get worse before it gets any better so I just need some praying people to remember my name. I’m getting thru this no matter what.

afraid of heights…

Posted in back to the past, check ya flesh, forgiveness, growth, ministry by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
I remember back when I was really little [[before life happened]] I was a really tiny thin girl. Back then, it only took a small breath to knock me over lolzz. But, I have this very vivid memory of my step dad. He wasn’t a big guy but to my lil self he was huge and he had muscles sooo big. He used to flex and me and my sisters would literally swing from his arms. One day, he lifted me up and he sat he on top of his arm. At first I was scared, terrified that I would fall but even more scared that if I fell, he wouldnt be there to catch me. It wasn’t until I stopped looking down that I really gave into that moment. Once I let go of that fear I felt like I was on top of the world and I wanted to stay there forever. My little small self on his big arms, him lifting me up beyond any height that my eyes could think of seeing. I thought about that today. Sometimes, God will lift us up and most times we are so scared of falling that we never take time to indulge in the moment. Im to a point now where Im going higher in him. Someone once said that the higher up you go the lonlier you get and that must be true cause im pretty lonely up here by myself. But I was so scared of falling and even more scared that if I fell He would refuse to catch me out of disappointment and so the only thing on my mind was getting down. Here I am, on the arms of God, my feet are dangling and im holding on for dear life. But once I let go of that fear of falling, I can really appreciate the height in which I have reached. Sometimes I just wanna get back to the comfortableness of the ground tho. One thing that I am realizing more and more each day is that God is going to be there at my highs and my lows. So when He has me up high He’s there to carry me and when I fall back down to my lowest, He’s there to lift me back up. Its just that I fear failing Him so much. Not just Him but myself and the people that are expecting so much from me. If I fail, how can I minister to someone else who is trying to do the right things?? Today Ms. Naomi looked me in my face and she said this “You are harder on yourself than God is, just let Him forgive you…” How right was she. I beat myself over the head for months on end about something petty that I did wrong when God has already forgotten about it and is telling me to move on with my ministry. This past weekend, I was going to stay in the house all weekend long. I was gonna sit on my couch watch some movies and get some rest because I didnt want to be in an atmosphere that would allow me to compromise my growth. Friday night, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up going to eat with a friend and her mom but I was back in the house by ten thirty and knocked out. Friday night, ten o clock and I’m sleep. Not out partying or drinkin or having fun. I was sleep and bored and lonely in a house all by myself. By the time Saturday rolled around I was so bored I wanted to get out but I was standing my ground. Turns out, however,a  few friends around the corner were having a lil get together so round eight we walked around the block. At first it was cool, we was just sitting around chilling and then some things started happening. We didnt stay long, got in the house around eleven but I beat myself up the whole night and well into this morning because not only did I partake in certain activities but I set myself up for failure. I went into this environment against my own better judgement and I wasnt strong enough to resist the temptations of the night. No, I didnt get ridiculously drunk and I wasnt extremely high but I sat in a room with people who were participating in activities I used to participate in. I sat in a house with people who had bottles passing around faster than a ferris wheel. But why? Why would I be in that setting?? Why would I feel the need to put myself into that type of situation knowing good and well what the outcome is going to be. I am mad at myself because of it. Mad because I knew what I wanted to do and it sucks that I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet and say NO!! Is it worth the try?? Is it worth it to try and do all these things right? Should I just give up on myself and allow God to use someone more qualified for the job?? You know what I think?? I think that God has me where I am, doing what I am doing because the people that I am ministering to are learning something from my downfalls. They are not just looking at my triumphs and seeing what they want to be but they are also looking at my mistakes knowing that even thru all of their mess they can do and be someone better for Him. I mess up, I fall short, I do things that I shouldnt do but Im growing and im getting thru the struggles of each day. And at the end of the day someone is going to look at me, see where I come from and know that the same God that saved me can save them. The same God that lifts me high up is the same God that can catch me when I fall off His shoulders from time to time. I dont think im too afraid of heights anymore yall!!!

scooda & squirt

Posted in back to the past, blessings, good times, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

well, ever since Tray & Von were born me & Shink were practically taking care of them. I remember them being at our house like every weekend or we were at theres. They are my heart but now they are big lil boys and I have are memories. Tray was  always the fat one. He used to cry and scream and yell at the top of his lungs. I remember when he used to lay on his stomach and get mad cause he couldn’t crawl. He would always eat my oatmeal inventions no matter hiw nasty they were LoL. Now, Squirt, is my bad lil mojo. He was crawling first. he’s the crazy one, always jumping off chairs and flipin down steps and doing something stupid. He is the fighter of the two, always ready to hit some one. His laugh and cry are exactly the same and his voice is the squeekiest in america. These boys will always hold a special place in my heart cause ever since they were babies, I helped to take care of them. They may not remember it today but I will remember it forever. And I know that every time I see them and they jump on me that a piece of my lil heart melts for them and there’s nothing better than a day with my Scooda and Squirt.

January 4th 2004 I fell in love with two lil boys: TrayVon Amaih and DeVon Machi… they are my heart and my joy and no one can take their place no matter how old they get.

i need a bigger word than blessed

I think I just had the most powerful thought provoking conversation that I have ever had with anyone in a very very long time, if ever. I was sitting here and I always seem to get a lil figgety on Fridays so I decided to see who was on aim. And what do ya know.. Meeka hits me up. So at first we are just talking casually about life and everything that we are doing and have done. Mind you, I have not talked to her in forever and 3 years. But we sitting here just talking and then the conversation takes a turn. She tells me that God is really blessing her and I agree. She tells me all these things that he has been revealing to her and it blows my mind because I never in a million years thought that I would be having this conversation with her. God is just awesome. It amazes me how much he is doing in all of our lives really. I mean, we have all grown up so much and we used every single obstacle to make us stronger and here we are blessed beyond abundance and none of us can complain. I look at her and see what God has brought her from and I just get excited because if you knew Meek back then you would know how much work he had to do on her. I look at Nish and I am so proud of my sister. She is happily married and she has e beautiful baby gurl and she is living everyday trusting that God will guide her thru. Everybody judged her. Everybody said that things wouldn’t work but she had a faith big enough to get her to where she is now and there’s nothing I can do but be happy for her because she is living the way that she is supposed to be living. I look around at everyone and see the lil crazy gurls that we used to be and I cant complain because every day aint great and every moment aint all smiles but I am so happy that I am not the same person that I used to be. I am happy to know that I can call up my sisters and talk to them about the goodness of God and that right there to me signifies growth.

I’m proud of us… I think we did alright.

Forgiveness

Posted in back to the past, forgiveness, hurt, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 15, 2007

Today is a rough day. A lot of things are going thru my mind and it all revolves around forgiveness. I have been told plenty of times in the past that the hardest thing to do is to forgive someone that has hurt you. I beg to differ. I think that holding a grudge is harder for me because its takes so much out of me. I’d rather just get over it, let it ride and continue on with my day. Resentment eats away at your core… the more you hold onto it the more you hurt yourself. The hardest thing, i think, when it comes to forgiveness is forgiving yourself. The easy stuff is easy to forget. Oh, I did this, that and the other and I told myself that I wouldn’t do it… its cool, I learned from that mistake and moved on. I said this to this person, I apologized… no biggie, I now know what not to say. Simple things are always easy to forgive. But what about the big things that started out as little things that just went out of control. What about the stuff that affected everyone in some type way. What about the stuff that you allowed to get completely out of hand… how do you forget that stuff?? How do you forgive yourself after you have hurt so many people? It’s the big things that I hold on to. I know what I have to do in order to forgive myself but I must look at the situation as a whole. Who would be affected by need to for some peace? Who would be hurt even more?? I think we all go thru life and we all have that one thing that eats at us and we just dont know how to shake it. Well, this one thing is just going to have to eat away at my core until there is nothing else there because there are some things that I refuse to do. My mom always told me that whats done in the dark will always be revealed in the light and that is really the only thing that scares me but at the same time… thats almost like the moment that I will be waiting for forever. I just cant do something to hurt the people that mean most to me only to be able to find comfort in my own reflection.

living in resentment… Tae’

can old friendships be revived??

Posted in back to the past, drama, friends by Tanae' A. on August 23, 2007

last week i got a message from an old friend and it made me smile. me and this chick have been through some pretty deep water together and i guess a lot of years of issues and drama we parted ways. trust me when i say… we invented drama! LoL!! every week it was something new… if we weren’t fighting each other we were somewhere getting into some kind of trouble, side by side. We’ve got our share of memories, some good, most bad but i guess thru everything that we have managed to go thru there has always been that love there that has never gone anywhere. over the past few years we’ve talked about 2 times, haven’t even really seen each other but recently she reached out. i’m kinda skeptical about becoming friends again but i know that over the years both of us have matured and grown so i guess its worth a shot. there will never come a time that we will be best friends again or even anything close to it but i know that maybe we can go back to being cool. maybe do brunch or something one saturday. who knows??

some people are only for a season but some are a lifetime… i wonder which category she will fall under.

a different approach

A lot of times, i have the tendency to over react when it comes to certain people. I know that when it comes to people that I care about and love I will not tolerate anyone walking over them or giving the short end of the stick, especially when they do so much for other people. It’s just not right. One thing that I have yet to master is the art of humility. On Friday night someone that I am very close to got pushed over terribly in like 5 minutes time and just walked away from the situation like nothing happened. It frustrated me so bad because I know that she was upset, frustrated, hurt, and angry but in order to keep her dignity she didn’t even complain a bit. Instead she got her things and she walked away from it and continued on with her day. Just to see that kind of treatment pissed me off and I stood up on her behalf. Something needed to be said and/or done and so I took the initiative to let the people involved know that their actions were not cool. I let anger and frustration get the best of me and it didnt change anything. In fact, those involved were pissed because she decided to walk away and not complain about the situation. I look up to this person because she is like the model of what I want to be. She knows how to walk away from certain things and still does what she needs to do in ministry. She will dry her tears and remember what she’s in it for and it amazes me that she can do that. By the time Friday evening hit I wished I could go back in time and follow in her footsteps but I cant. The only thing that I can do is work on it in the future. I need to learn how to walk away from certain things that get to me and still do the work of ministry. Right now I’m being led towards either extreme. Either I’m totally speaking my mind about a situation and making things worse or im totally stepping away from everyone and everything. After this weekend I have decided to distance myself from everything but eventually I hope to get back into certain things with the right attitude and approach. My place is not in the pew and I know that. I have a desire to be a part of ministry but until I can master humility I think that is the best place for me right now. Just keep praying for me… I’m still growing.

Missing Irene…

Posted in back to the past, death, events, family, funeral home, healing, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2007

Yesterday evening my mom, sisters, aunt and I decided to head to the funeral home to pay our respects and show love to a family who has just lost someone close to them. I didn’t think anything of it until we pulled into the driveway and it took everything in me not to burst out into tears.

I haven’t been to that funeral home in two years and I didn’t at all expect to get the sick feeling that I got when I walked through the door. It’s been two years since my aunt passed and I remember having to hold up my little cousins as we all struggled to view her body.

I’ve been to that funeral home hundreds of times in my life. I’ve had distant family leave from this earth and friends make quick departures. Being in that particular funeral home never ever bothered me until I had to bid farewell to someone that I was so close to and loved so dearly. Yesterday, all the emotions that I felt two years ago somehow met me at the door.

I walked away from there feeling empty. There’s a space in my heart that my aunt used to fill and even tho she is still in my heart I miss her dearly. I pray that I wouldn’t have to step foot into that funeral home anymore in the near future. I dont think I could stomach too many more visits. But for some reason I think that I’mm be seeing a lot of James A. Morton and Sons.

Missing Irene…

Tae’