[{GRaViTY}]

It’s Me…only duplicated

Posted in clothes, death, family, friends, healing, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love, prayer, seperation, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

I have never really feared my own death. I understand that everyone is alloted a certain amount of time on this earth to do whatever it is that they have been created to do. The only thing that I have asked of God is that I go as quickly and calmly as possible. I’ve lived in dramatic rage all my life and the last thing that I want to do is die in that same hell. Suffering is what has pushed me to life, I¬†certainly dont want it to push me to death.

Up until yesterday I’ve never really taken too much time out to dwell on the world without me. Trust the world as a whole would not be affected but my small world will. I am so afraid of the people that I love being called away from here that I never even take time out to think about my own departure. I thought about it yesterday and the only thing that I could think about is my closest friends and family having to live without me.

I think about my mom and how she calles me for every technical issue that she encounters. Without me she would have no one to drive with her everywhere in America just to pay some bills.

My grandmother wouldn’t have anyone to call her o-so-sexy on sunday evenings…and no one to make sure her phone bill is exactly a week and 3 days late.

My older sister wouldn’t have anyone to yell at for picking with her son…again. And she wouldn’t have anyone to yell at her everytime she needs someone to walk to 7-11 to get some cheese for her doritos.

My Jazzy wouldn’t have anyone to call weird everyday. Or make her laugh when she cries. Or to jump on her when she just barely falls asleep. Or to steal all the new shirts that she got over the weekend.

My Budd*y wouldn’t have anyone to flirt with on those boring nights. Or anyone to actually beat him in pool or force him to buy the french fries that noone needs.

My Phil wouldn’t have anyone to call every ten minutes. Or to book his flights back to baltimore. Or to say how much she really hates ALL his girfriends. He wouldn’t have anyone to talk about when he got a lil attitude. He wouldn’t have anyone to write him letters or walk around the corner with. No one else will sleep in his bed and force him to sit on the floor with the small pillow. He wouldn’t have anyone to make him a cup of juice just to drink it all.

My Shink wouldn’t have anyone to do everything for her that she cant do for herself. She wouldn’t have anyone to stand on her bed to cut on the light, or to steal her jewelry and red hoody. Or to bother her at 2 in the morning for nothing. Or to sit in the bathroom and talk to when she takes those 10 hour candle lit baths. She wouldn’t have anyone to order her food, or her water [3 cubes of ice no lemon] or to tie her shoes. She wouldn’t have anyone to do her bun or talk about her colors or get the hair off her shirt after having a fit with the brush. She wouldn’t have anyone to eat with or watch movies with or talk to about the stupidest things. She wouldnt have anyone to argue with or sit with or walk with down the street. She wouldn’t have anyone to complete her.

These are the only reasons that I will ever be scared of leaving this earth. I dont want my family and friends to miss me in anyway or hurt because I’m gone. Instead I wish I could send them a duplicate…not as weird or as funny or as helpful…but close to it. Maybe not the same crazy hair or choice of clothing but I want someone to come that will make their life somewhat the same as it has been for years. I dont wanna leave this earth anytime soon but if I do… I pray that I would go quick and that my family would be blessed with someone to fill my shoes… just a lil bit.

Tae’

becoming something I dont want to be

Posted in be the change, check ya flesh, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

This morning I kinda scared myself a lot. I never ever wake up so frustratedd. I usually wake up happy…no matter what time it is, especially on mornings like today when the sun wakes me at the perfect time. I dont know what happened tho. I was just mad. I got up and everything around me just got me so irritated and I really had to sit back a think about why I was so frustrated.

Things that aren’t supposed to get to me are beginning to take a major toll on me and I dont wanna be the type to just blow up one day on any given person. I try not to let things bother me… I just brush everything off because its really not that serious. There are so many better things to worry about on a day to day basis rather than the little stuff that kit-picking at my brain.

I think I just need some time to really re-evaluate some things and figure out what it is that is really pushing me over the edge. I dont like the person I am becoming.

Tae’