[{GRaViTY}]

((it’s not about me…or you))

I realized in the past month that there a lot of people that I dont like [in my church]. Now, let me break it down for you all. It pretty much falls into two categories… 1st there are the people that I just dont like && then there are the people that I dont like IN MINISTRY.

I have noticed however, that the persons who I just dont like are far better off in my book than those that I dont like in ministry… here’s why. In ministry, to me, nothing else matters. When we all are working together with one particular thing in mind all personal issues go out the door. I can put aside any personal feelings for an individual and do whatever it is that I need to do. I am also a talker. Before I flat out say that I dont like a person I will go to them and just say straight up… look I dont like this, this and this about you. In return they will point out what they dont like about me… and we ACCEPT it. There have been times when I have told people that they dont have to like this about me I aint changing but there also times when I look at myself and  I will work towards changing for the better. But my main purpose is to come to some sort of middle ground where we know.. I dont like this about you, you dont like this about me, ok… I respect your opinion and you respect mines.. lets hug move on and do what we came here to do.

If I have a problem with someone I WILL NOT SIT BACK && DOGG THEM OUT JUST BECAUSE. AND I DEF WONT HAVE THEM WALKING AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT THE PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SILENCE KILLS.

Now, the persons that I dont like IN MINISTRY have it bad as far as I am concerned. I can talk to you all day long and you can be the coolest person in the world but if I feel as tho you are doing nothing to build up ministry but instead you are using titles for your own selfish gain… Oh buddy, you cut. In the past month or so ministry has become such a priority that personal things really dont matter. I dont care how cool you are, when it comes time to do the work of the Lord and you sitting around faking the funk… trust. I will call you out. Not because I dont like you as a person but because I have no respect for you period.

There are plenty people in my church that I dont really bump wit like that. There are alot of people that I have come to an understanding with. But even those persons that I’m not really cool with… keep my respect because when it comes down to ministry we put our whole selves into it. I used to be the type, if I dont like you, I wont sing with you, dance with you, sit with you, speak to you, nothing. But there cant be division in ministry. When there are so many people with so many agendas God cannot be pleased. I’m striving to please God and no I am not perfect but in Ministry, I am striving for perfection. When persons in leadership are not on one accord there is division. When persons in ministry cant put personal issues to the side there is a hex in the plan.

Yes, there are quit a few people that I cannot stand but no one would ever know it except for me and that person because when it comes time to do something in the house of GOD it aint about me or them but its about HIM!!

Tae’

What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.

Tae’

Hateration

Posted in clothes, dey str8 fony, drama, fed-up, friends, frustrations, issues, life, move on by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

This weekend was not good. It was not bad either… It just was. I enjoyed myself as best as I could and I had fun during a few moments of a few days but I am honestly glad it is over with. One thing that I realized over the past three days is that some people will hate on you for no apparent reason at all. I mean the people that have no reason at all to hate will make it known that you have something that they want and will never have. No one hates on me… as far as I know, but I just sat back and watched the events of this weekend unfold and laughed to myself. I just dont understand. I mean, everyones hates on someone but theres a difference between hating and HATING. These females be hating like there’s no tomorrow. Like really, I hate, I’ve been jealous before, not necessarily of people but I have been jealous when someone had what I wanted. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I’m not even the type to down someone, especially a friend, when they got something or someone that I want. I just simply congratulate and get over it. It aint even that deep fa’real. But when females hate that you have something that they want and they really start to hate you, despise you, talk about you, and down you… then there is a problem. And males do it to. I just laugh at people like that because they are too dumb to see that they got something worth having right by their side. You worried about some other chicks dude and you got a good dude at home. You worried about her outfit and you got on a banging outfit ya self. You worried about what she got so much that what you had done been there and walked away 4 times before you even notice. Please just stop the hateration… it’s getting really old.

lessons and seasons

Lately, everything in my life has been going exactly the way I want it to go which is strangely unusual. This just means that something is coming up really soon. Of course, I have stress everyday and some things/people can push me over the edge but for the most part everything is peachy. I realized yesterday that I am going to school in the fall. I dont know where it came from but I was sitting there and I just thought that maybe I should go… I have nothing to lose and everything to gain… so I’ll go to register today after work…finally. I also realized that I desperately want to be a part of the youth coucil at my church. I want to be one of the one’s that makes the decisions but more importantly I want to be the one to build the gap between the youth and the council. There are a few who take time out to really interact with the youth but I dont think it’s being done enough. I guess this is just further evidence that I am falling in love with youth ministry as a whole. I’ll pray bout that… I got some things to work on before I step into a leadership position. Another thing that I realized yesterday is that I am nothing without my friends. Yesterday evening I talked to my ex-room mate whome I haven’t spoken to in at least a good 2 months. We both kinda just got lost in our seperate lives and although we talk about every 3 months or so… it’s not enough. So I did the best thing that I could think to do… I invited her to church… Youth Day 2007. She’ll spend the entire day with me and I am excited about it. I haven’t hung out with her in sooo long and I honestly miss my sis. Everyday is full of lessons that we have to hang on to and process. The most valuable lessons that I learned yesterday:: 1. My mom is absolutely amazing and I love her dearly… no I didn’t just learn that but that fact kinda smacked me in the face last night. 2. Some people are only meant to be involved in certain things for a season and after while they have to leave. No one can fill someone elses shoes but any one can take a certain someones place. In a lil while someone that I love dearly will be making transition to somewhere she thinks is better for her and I am crushed…not for personal reasons but mainly because I dont know what will happen to whats left of them. A lot of times her words, actions, and influence is what has driven and now she is politely dismissing herself… I’m praying.

*for everything there is a season*

It’s Me…only duplicated

Posted in clothes, death, family, friends, healing, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love, prayer, seperation, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

I have never really feared my own death. I understand that everyone is alloted a certain amount of time on this earth to do whatever it is that they have been created to do. The only thing that I have asked of God is that I go as quickly and calmly as possible. I’ve lived in dramatic rage all my life and the last thing that I want to do is die in that same hell. Suffering is what has pushed me to life, I certainly dont want it to push me to death.

Up until yesterday I’ve never really taken too much time out to dwell on the world without me. Trust the world as a whole would not be affected but my small world will. I am so afraid of the people that I love being called away from here that I never even take time out to think about my own departure. I thought about it yesterday and the only thing that I could think about is my closest friends and family having to live without me.

I think about my mom and how she calles me for every technical issue that she encounters. Without me she would have no one to drive with her everywhere in America just to pay some bills.

My grandmother wouldn’t have anyone to call her o-so-sexy on sunday evenings…and no one to make sure her phone bill is exactly a week and 3 days late.

My older sister wouldn’t have anyone to yell at for picking with her son…again. And she wouldn’t have anyone to yell at her everytime she needs someone to walk to 7-11 to get some cheese for her doritos.

My Jazzy wouldn’t have anyone to call weird everyday. Or make her laugh when she cries. Or to jump on her when she just barely falls asleep. Or to steal all the new shirts that she got over the weekend.

My Budd*y wouldn’t have anyone to flirt with on those boring nights. Or anyone to actually beat him in pool or force him to buy the french fries that noone needs.

My Phil wouldn’t have anyone to call every ten minutes. Or to book his flights back to baltimore. Or to say how much she really hates ALL his girfriends. He wouldn’t have anyone to talk about when he got a lil attitude. He wouldn’t have anyone to write him letters or walk around the corner with. No one else will sleep in his bed and force him to sit on the floor with the small pillow. He wouldn’t have anyone to make him a cup of juice just to drink it all.

My Shink wouldn’t have anyone to do everything for her that she cant do for herself. She wouldn’t have anyone to stand on her bed to cut on the light, or to steal her jewelry and red hoody. Or to bother her at 2 in the morning for nothing. Or to sit in the bathroom and talk to when she takes those 10 hour candle lit baths. She wouldn’t have anyone to order her food, or her water [3 cubes of ice no lemon] or to tie her shoes. She wouldn’t have anyone to do her bun or talk about her colors or get the hair off her shirt after having a fit with the brush. She wouldn’t have anyone to eat with or watch movies with or talk to about the stupidest things. She wouldnt have anyone to argue with or sit with or walk with down the street. She wouldn’t have anyone to complete her.

These are the only reasons that I will ever be scared of leaving this earth. I dont want my family and friends to miss me in anyway or hurt because I’m gone. Instead I wish I could send them a duplicate…not as weird or as funny or as helpful…but close to it. Maybe not the same crazy hair or choice of clothing but I want someone to come that will make their life somewhat the same as it has been for years. I dont wanna leave this earth anytime soon but if I do… I pray that I would go quick and that my family would be blessed with someone to fill my shoes… just a lil bit.

Tae’

Life Without a Father

Posted in back to the past, decisions, family, father, healing, him, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 16, 2007

The other day I was having a conversation with someone about life without a father and the affect it has had on me. Because that isn’t something that I really take time out to think about, I had to take a lil while to get my responses together. Whn I first thought about it automatically said that my growing up without a father really didnt have a serious impact on the person I grew up to be. I lied.

When I really think about it, I know that being raised by my mother only has had an affect on me that I wouldn’t name totally negative. Because I know what it’s like to grow up without a father I purpose to be in a long healthy stable relationship [hopefully married] before I even consider having kids. Although my mom took very good care of me and my sisters, I watched her struggle for too many years just trying to keep food on the table. We managed but I never want to be put in a situation where I am forced to care for my kids on my own.

One thing that I’ve also noticed is the way I interact with persons of the opposite sex. I am very careful about who I let into my circle. A lot of times I hear people say that girls who have grown out without a father figure will gravitate towards guys cause they are in search of that love they never got. I think I am the total opposite… I am in search of that type of love but at the same time I know that everyone cant give that genuine love that a father can give. I am very adamant about who I let love me or who I give my heart to and a lot of people say thats a bad thing but I really disagree.

I do not totally push love away but I dont trust peoplw with my feelings because thats a serious way to get hurt along the line. I refuse to be hurt and heart broken a million and one times on my way to finding true love. A fathers love cant be given to me from anyone no matter what. There is no one that can fill the shoes of a daddy at this point in my life so I realize that there’s no point in searching for that type of love. The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.

My mom used to always say that out of me and my sister, I took not having a father the hardest. I think that’s true. I took all my anger out on my mother causing us to have a very rocky relationship. My sister is totally different than me. She’s not quick to love but at the same time she doesn’t push love away and when she does love its easy for her to walk away without a big fuss. Now me, on the other hand, If I love you…it’s gonna take 27 men to pull me away and change my heart cause I dont fall in love quick and I dont know how to fall out of love.

A lot of times I try to think about who I would be if I did have my father around and I honestly dont think I wanna know. I like who I turned out to be. I like the fact that I had to struggle to get to where I am. I like the fact that I had to endure some hurt and pain cause now I am stronger because of it. I’m happy to say that a lil while ago me and mom did have a terrible relationship and today I am happy because more than anything, today I can call her my friend. So living without a father didnt turn out to be so bad after all. Am I affected by it today? Yeah I am. But I live everyday knowing that I wouldn’t pay anyone to let me start over again differently. And the only thing that saddens me, is knowing that I’ll walking down an aisle one day all alone. Oh Well!!

Luvli Ladiez

I totally did not have the weekend that I was looking forward to. It turned out to be ten times better than what I expected. Friday night after work I went to Jazz Under the Stars which turned out to be really nice. I enjoyed myself and the music more than I thought I would. We decided to leave a lil early cause we desperately wanted snowballs and the movie we were planning to go see started around 9:30. So we left around 8:45 with enough to time to barely catch the snow ball stand before they closed and then our plans for the movies were drastically crushed. We ended up chilling out, ordering pizza, and talking about everything and nothing until about 3:30 in the morning. We eventually fell asleep around 4 and woke back up to go home at 5. By the time we got in the house it had to be a lil after 6 and my mom woke me up around 8 to go to MVA. I failed my permit test terribly but I shrugged it off cause I was half sleep and there’s always next saturday. We did a whole lot of running around and shoppin and then finally got back in the house for a hot minute. I ate some crabs with my sisters and then did my hair and hopped in the shower before I had to leave back out. Big Jack and Suzie came to get us so we could go to Jaz’s house to see her in her prom dress. After about an hour there we went home and cleaned up before hoppin head first into the bed. Of course, we rose early as sin on sunday morning to get to church. After the early service we went to McDonalds to get some grub and then we headed back cause Suzie had to be in place. Church was cool… after that we got some chicken from Popeyes and ate then me and my sisters all took naps while my mom enjoyed the rest of the day at my uncles house with the fam. I woke up this morning tired but well refreshed and I owe that to my Luvli Ladiez. When I left work on Friday I was upset and not feeling up to anything but they put smiles on my face and reminded me that no matter what is going wrong, I always have a reason to smile. There are people everyday that test me and sometimes cause me to go over the edge but at the end of the day I retrace my steps and really think about what happened and why. There are some people in the world who are good people and maybe we have some disagreements and altercations but even in those moments they are still good people and my friends helped me on friday night to see the good in people regardless of everything that is going wrong. A lot of times we look at the negative things first but I’m learning more and more everyday that there is more to people than what meets the eye and some people that are in our lives are little blessings. So thanks to my Luvli Ladiez… or what is left of us… for reminding me to look past everything and see people for who they are. I love you guys so much! Kisses!

Tae’

life…

I was ready. I mean… really. This time, I was seriously ready to let go. I was tired of trying and tired of being hurt. I was really gonna completely cut him off to never turn back. I vowed that if he hadn’t come thru by 12:00 last night I was really gonna be done with everything. But what do you know, at 11:37 pm I get a message telling me some serious news about their fam. And how could I walk away from him when he needs me?? I know him, I know he wont ever say he’s hurt… he’ll hold it all inside. Man, you never know what is gonna happen in life. Maybe this will be an eye opener but i dont know. Life is funny like that. Life throws things at you that you look at and dont think you can handle. I dont understand life but I love it… and I’m beginning to think that the spontaneous things are what I love the most. I never know what tomorrow is gonna bring and that to me is awesome. But one thing that I dont like… is that there are so many people who dont view life the way I do. People that are hurt by life and never take time to think that maybe things are meant to be. I care about him so much and at the end of the day my only concern is making sure he’s okay. I’m on the outside looking in so I see things clearer than he does. But if I were in his shoes I would be torn apart right now. He’s over there with no family, no real friends, and no one to really talk to… and I wish I could just be there for him cause I know he needs someone to show him that he’s not alone. And with 7 hours in between us… there’s no way I can get that message across to him. I was ready to turn my back on him but then life put a dent in my plan. I dont know if I’ll ever be able to walk away or if I ever want to but I know that even if it’s what I need to do… right now he needs me there more than I need space or time. He needs a friend, so I’m putting my selfishness to the side and am totally concerned about him… and I’m praying that his family pulls thru this and that everything works out for the better. But no matter what the outcome may be, he will know that I am here for him no matter what happens or where life takes us.

Loving Him

Tae’

a hard decision

Have you ever been forced to chose between to extremes? When forced to make a decision have you hesitated because no matter what you decided… you would ultimately get hurt? Have you ever known what was best for you but you didn’t wanna go with what you knew because you didn’t wanna admit the truth to yourself?

Last week, I sorta forced myself to make a choice that I didnt want to make. After much thought and “weighing of the options” I realized to I was still in the same place that I started because I didn’t want to admit the truth to myself. I didn’t wanna move past that place that I had become content.

And so I put the decision in someone elses hands and told them to make the choice. After all they were just as much apart of the solution as they were the problem. So today is the day that the truth shall reveal itself. I know that if he says what I know is right I’ll be hurt but at the same time… it will be a relief. I know the answer to the simple yes or no question that I proposed. I know also know that feelings and emotions may very well cause us to answer that question wrongly. But I’ll take my chances. I think that at this point in time… he’ll think a bit more rational than I will. Maybe he’s smart enough to respond with an answer that will ultimately give me what I need to walk away from the one thing that I’ve run back to so many times.

Sometimes when we cant make decisions for ourselves we have to depend on others to make the decision for us. I think, this time around, I’ll be lucky. He’ll make a choice that will benefit us both in the long run. And although it may hurt… I know it’s the simple truth that I’ve been trying not to face. But in making the decision that I made to allow him to chose… I also realized that he wont be there always to make these type of decisions. There will come a time where I’ll have to look at truth in it’s face and really deal with the hurt that comes along with the healing. Keep praying for me…please…. just dont stop praying.

Tae’

frustrated

Posted in dey str8 fony, fed-up, friends, issues, life, move on by Tanae' A. on May 8, 2007

im as very really frustrated right now. i cant stand people who think that immaturity is the next best thing. i mean, lets grow up honeys…if you have a problem, come to me. reality is, talking behind my back doesn’t change the fact that you’re mad! and i laugh because these people are really mad for no reason… i didnt do anything to them..i mean am i really that big of a threat?? just grow up!! gosh!