[{GRaViTY}]

no celebration for some…

Posted in death, faith, family, father, friends, prayer by Tanae' A. on January 3, 2008

for most people New Years Eve was a day of celebration. wherever you were you were most likely doing some type of celebrating. but for one family New Years Eve was not a celebration at all. yesterday i decided to hit up my lil cousins phone just to see how things were going. it was her first day back at school and she had been dealing with some stuff last week so i really wanted to make sure everything was straight on her end. when i finally talked to her she seemed like she was a lil down about something and she went on to tell me that her best friend’s dad was killed in a hit and run on New Years Eve. while she was in church praying her way into the new year, while others were partying their way into the new year… this girl [[Casey]] and her family were grieving. i suppose that their day probably started off good. they probably had plans to enjoy their night. they were probably looking forward to 2008 just like the rest of us but how do you wake up in a new year without your daddy there?? how do you say goodbye on the last day of the year?? i dont know [[Casey]]… never met her a day in my life but when i heard what happened i just felt compelled to pray. i had to let her know that as long as she kept trusting in God that she would be okay. I had to tell her that she has the best friends in the world to lean on for support but more than that i had to tell her that people that she didn’t even know were somewhere praying for her strength. i never thought that there would come a day when i would feel the urge to really pray for someone that i dont know but here i am praying for this gurl who has to go thru this right now.

[[Casey]] you and your family are in my prayers and like i told you yesterday, God will never put more on you than you can bear.

[[Sedria]] you are a great friend and i am so proud of you right now. continue to be strong for her and remember that prayer is the solution to everything. you know that you have people behind you and you can always turn to your family for support even when you feel like you are not strong enough to help her. keep trusting in Him.

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R.I.P Mr. Brooks

The Worst Father’s Day Ever

I honestly dont think I’ve ever had a bad Father’s Day. Of course, I’ve never really had a father to celebrate but usually my days are spent with my family enjoying their company. Yesterday will be a day that I will never forget, just because it was that terrible.

It started off good. I went to church early to dance, went to sunday school, laughed a lil, got some breakfast, and chilled with my fam. As soon as the 10:45 service started we got word that some people close to us lost their grand-father and from there my day went down hill. I tried my best to be there for them all but it was extremely hard. We all decided to dance anyway and the rest of the church service was spent comforting them and making sure they were okay.

Everytime someone around me loses someone, I feel like I’m just that much closer to losing someone that I love. It scares me to think about death because I dont think I would be able to deal with that type of loss. I think now more than ever, I have the urge to be with my family as much as I possibly can because you never know when some one will be taken from you.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day that I can remember not being surrounded by all of my aunts uncles and cousins. We went to dinner, just my sister and my mom, and then we went home. It saddens me because I see things changing in my family and I dont want to accept the change. We no longer get together on holidays like we used to. We no longer do something as simple as Sunday dinner like we used to. I just have the feeling that it’s gonna take something terrible in order to get us all back together. We are moving away from each other physically and I have a problem with it. My cousins moved to PA a few months ago. My brother moved to South Carolina in January. My aunt, uncle and cousins just moved to Chicago last week. My Uncle has lived in Atlanta since I can remember, my grandfather is in Ohio. And my other uncle is moving back to Alberquerque, New Mexico in less than two months. What is happening to my family?? Why are we seperating ourselves??

My prayers go out to Mama Na and the entire family. Be strong honeys God is with you and so are we…

Father’s Day

Posted in family, father, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on June 15, 2007

Well, Father’s Day is coming again. This Sunday…all day long. Am I excited?? No way! I have asked a lot of people in the past week what they were doing or buying for their dads, and to my surprise, I got a lot of rolled eyes, sucked teeth, and ‘tsst nothing’. I guess that lets me know how many people in my generation have grown up without a dad. Ok… how sad is that. Although I was forced to grow up without a father in my life, if given the opportunity, I would proudly begin a relationship with my dad. I often ask myself why but I think it’s only because I dont hate him. My father has five other kids whome he takes very good care of. He didn’t know I existed until about 3 years ago and even then, I never took the time out to reach out to him. But, I would pay to have my father in my life for the rest of my life and not just a simple phone call every other week but I want a real relationship with my dad. I want him to know my future husband and kids. I want him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I want him to take me out to breakfast on saturday mornings or beg me to watch the game with him on Sunday afternoons. I want to tell him about my long days at work and get advise from him that my mother can’t give. I want to look at him and know that he’s where I got this funny shaped nose from. It’s not something that I wish for every night before I go to sleep. But how wonderful would it be to go through life with a father by my side?? He’s out there somewhere and to him I say Happy Father’s Day… and I love you for every birthday that you missed. I love you for missing my graduation and my prom. I love you for not being there when I skinned my knee. I love you for not reprimanding me when I got bad grades. I love you for not being the father that I needed you to be and I hope that you love me or at least think about me every once in a while. Hope to see you when the sky turns green.

Life Without a Father

Posted in back to the past, decisions, family, father, healing, him, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 16, 2007

The other day I was having a conversation with someone about life without a father and the affect it has had on me. Because that isn’t something that I really take time out to think about, I had to take a lil while to get my responses together. Whn I first thought about it automatically said that my growing up without a father really didnt have a serious impact on the person I grew up to be. I lied.

When I really think about it, I know that being raised by my mother only has had an affect on me that I wouldn’t name totally negative. Because I know what it’s like to grow up without a father I purpose to be in a long healthy stable relationship [hopefully married] before I even consider having kids. Although my mom took very good care of me and my sisters, I watched her struggle for too many years just trying to keep food on the table. We managed but I never want to be put in a situation where I am forced to care for my kids on my own.

One thing that I’ve also noticed is the way I interact with persons of the opposite sex. I am very careful about who I let into my circle. A lot of times I hear people say that girls who have grown out without a father figure will gravitate towards guys cause they are in search of that love they never got. I think I am the total opposite… I am in search of that type of love but at the same time I know that everyone cant give that genuine love that a father can give. I am very adamant about who I let love me or who I give my heart to and a lot of people say thats a bad thing but I really disagree.

I do not totally push love away but I dont trust peoplw with my feelings because thats a serious way to get hurt along the line. I refuse to be hurt and heart broken a million and one times on my way to finding true love. A fathers love cant be given to me from anyone no matter what. There is no one that can fill the shoes of a daddy at this point in my life so I realize that there’s no point in searching for that type of love. The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.

My mom used to always say that out of me and my sister, I took not having a father the hardest. I think that’s true. I took all my anger out on my mother causing us to have a very rocky relationship. My sister is totally different than me. She’s not quick to love but at the same time she doesn’t push love away and when she does love its easy for her to walk away without a big fuss. Now me, on the other hand, If I love you…it’s gonna take 27 men to pull me away and change my heart cause I dont fall in love quick and I dont know how to fall out of love.

A lot of times I try to think about who I would be if I did have my father around and I honestly dont think I wanna know. I like who I turned out to be. I like the fact that I had to struggle to get to where I am. I like the fact that I had to endure some hurt and pain cause now I am stronger because of it. I’m happy to say that a lil while ago me and mom did have a terrible relationship and today I am happy because more than anything, today I can call her my friend. So living without a father didnt turn out to be so bad after all. Am I affected by it today? Yeah I am. But I live everyday knowing that I wouldn’t pay anyone to let me start over again differently. And the only thing that saddens me, is knowing that I’ll walking down an aisle one day all alone. Oh Well!!