my take on relationships and marriage

Posted in commitment, love, marriage, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2008
ii have never ever been the relationship type. it has just never been for me. my longest, most stable relationship started when ii was in 6th grade and we were only allowed to see each other monday thru friday for the fifteen minutes that were in between classes. such a wonderful relationship i tell ya. lolzz. anyways, we were pretty much together until the 11th grade and even then the time that we spent together was limited. ii guess ii just love my space. by the time ii got to college ii started dating that idiot and when he was home we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY together but that month or two of every single day was also interrupted by three months of never so ii didnt really mind the constant company. but, even before the idiot came along ii was never the type to want people all up my azz. give me space, let me breathe. we can be friends but ii hate being tied up to one person. perhaps that is why the thought of marriage just annoys me so bad. living with someone and having to see them every single day is not something that ii think ii would like UNLESS THERE WERE CERTAIN EXCEPTIONS. granted, ii do think that one day ii will be married and begin a family but ii want things to work under my conditions. ii want a happy family and ii dont think that people stay happy together after fifty years but ii want to change the game. ii guess we can focus on the relationship part of it first so that you have a greater understanding of the whole marriage thing. most people reading this def. wont agree but oh well, it is what it is.
let me state for the record, ii believe in complete honesty but not monogamy. out of the three relationships that ii have been in, all but one of those consisted of another female being brought into the equation. the first time ii was okay and the second time ii was devastated. the first was with my first ex whome ii loved with every little teenaged bone in my body. but, he told me while we were still together that he was talking to another chick and he wanted to get to know her better. what was my response?? well, there was only one question and one request. do you want to be with me?? yes. and if so dont allow her to take away from the time that ii get which is really not that much being as tho ii feel no need to be around you 24/7. and with that ii was okay. ii knew that there was another chick, ii didnt want to know who she was. ii didnt care that there was another chick because ii was still number one. and when ii felt like ii was no longer number one ii ended the relationship and he finally told me who she was. after that they eventually got together and ii was not upset in the least bit. it was okay. now, the second time that someone cheated ii was deeply hurt, not by the act of sex but by his betrayal. before anything, we were friends, we told each other everything so thats why ii had such a hard time figuring out why on earth he wouldnt tell me that he was involved with someone else. ii would not have cared. ii mean, he was in another state for forever without me so ii would have gladly accepted it for what it was. but, ii had to find out from someone else and therefore ii was hurt by the way he handled the situation. well, this raises a question…have ii ever cheated?? not really. now, in my eyes, ii have only been cheated on once. think of it like this:: its stealing if you dont ask, if you do ask its borrowing. its not cheating if you tell me but when you go behind my back its cheating. so with that said, no ii have never cheated on anyone. ii have, however, decided to pursue other persons while in relationship [[that sounds halfway decent lolzz]] but, he looks at it as cheating because he didnt agree. ii told him what it was, ii like him, ii wanna get to know him. of course, the first question asked is “when you say get to know him does that include sexually??” well, yeah. duh. anyways, ii let him know, either you gonna stay with me or you gonna walk away. he chose to stay. do ii blame him?? no. ii assured him that even after ii “get to know” this other person ii would still be with him in the end and ii kept my word. unfortunately, he stayed with me because he didnt want to lose me and he thought that if he stayed ii would change my mind about the other dude. eventually he walked away [[he came back tho]] because he couldnt deal with the thought of me being with any other dudes. well that sounds like a personal problem. ii am no hoe, no sex crazed fanatic and ii def dont go around just sharing my goods with everybody but ii have a lot of male friends that ii like to talk to and associate with. are all these dudes getting any?? hell no. but ii am still very honest with everyone that ii talk to and perhaps that is why no one stays. ii refuse to be tied down to one person. ii can do the relationship thing but ii want my space. ii want to be able to do what ii want to do, when ii want to do it, and with who ii want to do it with. if you are a good enough person to make it to my top spot then there is no other dude that is going to come before you so ii dont know why dudes be tripin. the question was raised the other day, how would ii feel if my “boyfriend” was messing with another chick. let me make it plain for you, ii dont care. if ii hold the top spot ii know that no chick is going to take my crown and if they do then obviously the crown was plastic from the start. no biggie, just be honest enough to let me know that there is another chick and be smart enough to keep your priorities in order.
now, the big m word. ii really dont want to get married. ii feel like, if im going to spend the rest of my life with you ii dont need to waste all that money doing it. and ii dont want a marriage because so many people have so many rules as to what marriage is supposed to be. marriage is supposed to last, no matter who you marry, it is supposed to last and so you do what it takes to make it last. the woman getting a divorce cant talk about me bringing someone else into my bedroom in order to keep my marriage alive…feel me?? prob not. but the point is… marriages fail today because everyone wants it to be this fairy tale. every one thinks that after fifty years of looking at the same person you wont want anything different. well hello, we are human. either yall gonna agree to step outside the box or yall gonna get a divorce because you catch him in bed with ya next door neighbor. and ill be damned if my marriage is going to be flushed down the toilet just because ii want to act honkey dorey and act like ii dont want something other than what my man has to offer. monogamy is so like…whatever. in my opinion, marriages last when two people love each other. thats it. and as far as im concerned ii can love you while you sleep in a guest room because some nights ii want to stretch out in my own damn bed BY MYSELF… im just saying, if im gonna be married or in a serious relationship then ii want it to be on my terms. commitment is about honesty and loyalty…ii want that. now, the problem would be finding someone who wants the same thing ii want. hhmmm, not too  many men like that in the world. they all wanna cheat and then have the woman all to themselves…lolzz
i’ll say now… sorry if ii offended anyone. if you are in a serious relationship or a marriage and you make it work then more power to you, way to go. but ii just think it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay with someone for the rest of your life and never be with another person. if you are able to do it, ii commend you but ii would suggest a week’s vacation every once in a while for your stuffy life. everyone wants to be single from time to time.

“ya gosta keep coming, baby girl”

the last conversations with Cornell and MY Bishop…
it was a second sunday and YYA were not in place. for some reason there had been a drought and everyone was on chills for the most part. after service ii decided to go speak to my two fav persons who were around the piano with K.Wellz. ii stood there for a minute waiting patiently for my opportunity to speak with them. by the time they had ended their conversation with Wellz, ii was talking to Big Brother Shawn so now they were waiting patiently to speak with me lol… ii turned around and bent down to give Cornell a hug then ii stepped around him laughing as Bishop said something so stupid lol. And there came the conversation that ii will forever remember


B: what happened to y’all today??
c: baby girl, what ii keep telling ya??
B. ya gosta keep coming baby girl [[while smackin that left hand on the piano lolzz]]…just keep coming
Me: but we aint having no practices, you know that. and when there are practices its only 4 of us up there
C: you gosta keep coming baby, you strut ya lil cute self in here and you sang!!
B: i dont care if its 2 of y’all up there. you keep coming!
Me: i know, yall keep telling me that
C: dont i keep coming?? huh??
Me: yeah you do ya thing Cornell
C: and dont he keep coming??
Me: yeah, my Bishop keep coming
B: alright then, you keep on coming…
Me: aight Bishop, ima come
C: [[giving me that eye]] now who you fooling?? you aint coming.
Me: ok, when they get it together ima come
B: now dont be talking just to be talking. you know im ya Bishop, i know that trick
Me: [[laughing]] when they get it together ima come
C: alright now, you done said it so it is
Me: promise. ima come
B: thats what i like to hear baby girl
C: ya gosta keep coming

~a few months later: January 11, 2007~

B: hey babygirl, you alright??
Me: yeah Bishop, im alright. you hanging in??
B: come on now baby girl you know im hanging!!
Me: yeah…i know you hanging. you gosta hang cause you my Bishop [[laughs]]… just cant believe this crap
B: yeah me either but we know he’s in glory… you just dont forget your promise baby girl
Me: when they get it straight Bishop, ima come. i promised i would. now its just you and us fa’real
B: you know he’s here…WE gonna get it straight. you got it in you baby girl. you and ms. diva over there.
Me: [[looking at Shay thru the doors]] she is kinda cute aint she… we gonna come Bishop, for Cornell, for you
B: for God baby girl…thats who its for
Me: and for God too…but really for Cornell
B: and ya Bishop?? [[huggin me]]
Me: and my Bishop!!


so, i made a promise and every time i get up on that choir stand im doing it for Cornell and MY Bishop. [[and for God of course]] but they are my motivation when i dont feel like it. when i wanna stay home on friday nights instead of going to rehearsal…i hear them in the back of my head saying “you gosta keep coming, baby girl” lolzz… I know they better be happy up there cause we doing pretty good for ourselves and i know that if it wasn’t for the promise that i made to them i wouldnt be up there every second sunday having a blast. so thank you Cornell and MY Bishop for pushing me and for them simple words of encouragement…and the big hugs didnt help none either lol. i miss yall like crazy but yall are forever in my heart.

i am such a rebel lol

Posted in be the change, commitment, decisions, determination, faith, Tae', [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
I have always been told that if you want something done you gotta do it yourself. So I am taking the initiative and im doing things on my own, with the help of someone else. Why sit around wait for someone else to do what I should be doing anyway. Im going straight rebel and im getting things done and im not taking no for an answer. There comes a time when we have to stop riding the bench and actually get in the game… well im in the starting line-up and ready to go. There are going to be a few people who will turn up their noses at what we are doing but I am believing by faith that there more that will stand behind us and support us…
Y.R.P all day long ya digg
Tanae’ A.
status update:
# of txts as of 020508: zero
# of incoming calls as of 020508: zero
# of emails as of 020508: zero

I feel good about myself

Posted in church, commitment, decisions, determination, mommy, money, Shiloh, tithes by Tanae' A. on July 16, 2007

Before I begin braggin… I must send out like major kudos to my mommy. She recently started working with this new company with Mortgage Protection. She struggled at first. Had to pass a test that required her to study harder that hard. She failed it the first time and still went back to pass it the second time. She put out money just to get started. She ended up having to not only buy a laptop but to also learn how to do something as simple as send an email or download an attachment. She bothered be days on end and begged me to show her how to do this and save that or print this out. She didn’t receive the proper training and she was ready to quit but she stuck with it and gave it all she could. Last week she got a call from her manager saying that she would go through another training process and now she would become a manager making more money than she could even imagine. There are probably tons other people in the B altimore area that are making tons more money than my mom. They probably have more clients and know more about what they are doing than her. But somebody saw something in her that allowed them to take a risk and give her a chance. When she was going to give up she stuck in there and in the end she has benefited and that just shows me how strong she really is. She has set a wonderful example and maybe that’s why I feel so good about myself now.

I hardly ever claim to broke because these days I am never broke. It seems like it doesn’t matter how much money I spend, I always end up having just enough money to last me until pay day. One thing that I learned from my mom is even if i cant afford to do an entire 10% in tithes I should set a price that I am going to give each month. So I decided on a price that at first I struggled with every month… it wasn’t 10% but it was close. Then I signed up to pay on the Capital Campaign and there were a few weeks when I didn’t have the money to pay on it so I know I’m at least 3 or 4 weeks behind but I still sacrifice to pay on it… the amount that I said at first.

Yesterday I was in church and the darling Sis. Goode came up to me and informed me that I was the youngest member of Shiloh to be apart of the Capital Campaign. I just felt really good about myself for some reason.

I have to really prepare myself tho for the beginning to 2008. By the end of this year the Capital Campaign will be done with and I made a commitment to myself that I would begin to pay my full tithes. That is over double what I am paying every pay for my tithes and commitment put together but I really think that I can do it. The only that kinda set me back is the fact that I am not supposed to base my 10% on my net and thats what I was doing. So now I have to re-calculate everything and pay from my gross which ups my tithe by a whole lot. Am I really ready for this?? I’ll just say that I am in no hurry to get into 2008.


Posted in bills, broke as a joke, commitment, debt, money, pain, tithes, weekend by Tanae' A. on May 1, 2007

I always hear people say that when you tithe you get everything back in all these different ways and what not… but still.. I was never ever the one to even think about putting 10% in for offering. What can I say…. I’m broke and I’m cheap!! LoL!!

So, I went against myself and decided I was going to tithe. And you know that every two weeks when it came down to getting my money right, I gritted my teeth and almost went into seizures when sunday morning came… but I did it! YaY Me!! Until… Bishop mentions a commitment. Oh My God, are you really serious. So I’m looking at this paper with all the different lil levels on it and I’m silently praying that this is a joke. Um… it wasn’t. So I made a commitment.. and I was going to pick the lowest one but I didnt. And so every two weeks for the past 4 months I have been paying tithes… PLUS a commitment… can somebody say ‘sacrifice’…

Not to mention… My goal by the summer is to be completely out of debt. I hate puttin little small payments down only to pay on the same stupid bill for 110 months. I’d rather just put down one or two big payments and have it be over with. So Cingular hit me up and told me last month that I had to pay these two huge payments that are more than half of what I get paid. So friday I get my check and I run to the bank and I sit down to really get all my funds together. Tithes, commitment, mommy, NaNa’s phone bill, Cingular… done. But then, uumm okay where’s my money at? I HAVE NONE!! This is like detramental… seriously. I had enough money to get the bus back and forth for a week… and that was it. This is a major problem.

So… the entire weekend I was on this ‘no shoppin’ kick and I was so hurt because saturday I saw these green pumps that were ON SALE and sooo cute and I immediately thought of ten things I could wear them with… But my dream was killed by the huge reminder in my head that screamed too loudly… “Hello, you’re broke remember!!” So yesterday, I was starving after dance rehearsal and me and my mom decided to stop at the pantry to get something to drink. And I’m wondering if They will break my big bills cause if not… I really wont have any 1’s to get on the bus. So I’m going through my purse and I get my M&T envelope and I look in it and see a 20. Uuuumm okay… I know I didnt have any 20’s cause the bank gave me all big bills… so what is this? What is it?? OMG… is this really $90?? You should’ve seen me and my mom sitting in this car trying to figure out if this was extra money or just something I had sitting to the side. Turns out… this was money I had left over from last pay that I didnt use. And I didnt even know I had it until last night. Then to make something great even better, my mom gets home and tells me that she still has $60 of mine that I told her to hold on to last pay… [i thought I def spent that money]… so now I have $150 extra and thats more than what I need to last me the next two weeks and I can go get my green pumps… TODAY!! Now isn’t that just luvli!! LoL!!

I’m excited about that yall!! I dont know if all this money came cause of my tithing or not but I know for sure that from now on I’m tithing without complaining cause I like finding money in weird places… [shink, I got an Ivy testimony!!! LoL]