[{GRaViTY}]

.just.so.tired.

Posted in choir, church, dancing, FOOD!!, friends, getaway, help me!!, im so over it, prayer, Shiloh, tired, [[o8 aint 4 me]] by Tanae' A. on April 22, 2008
im tired yall. really tired. just of the day to day ritual. tired of the everyday people, the everyday headache…the everyday bullshit. tired. tired of trying, tired of helping, tired of being used. tired. just. plain. old. tired. no if ands buts on the end of it…maybe a yarn or two.
yesterday i had to cut off a real cool chick cause being friends with her was keeping me tied to someone else that i didnt want to continue being stuck to in any kind of way. we talked about it and she was cool with it, understood the situation and after that i felt free to walk away. im no longer tied to someone and now that chapter is over with. thank God.
now. i tried the same thing with JHW II but there is no way to be free from that. everywhere i turn there is some way that i am connected to him. i mean, we go to the same church for Christ’s sake and even tho he is hardly ever there….uummm HELLO do you not see his fam and friends surrounding me?? thats a book that has no ending so i guess ill be stuck to him forever…its draining.
i call myself trying to be a friend. i try to be nice, i really do. i let someone who called me their best friend borrow money. the first time i aint think twice about it. she was about to start a new job and just needed gas money. of course ima give it to her especially since she gave me a ride home that day. she claimed she was going to give it back to me and i wasn’t really worried about it… what is ten dollars?? nothing. so two weeks later she had lost that job and was about to start a new job [[did i mention that this chick cant keep a job to save her life??]] and of course was broke and needed money. so, after thinking about i figured id give her some money cause at least she is TRYING to get a job and do something positive. mind you, this wasnt no chumo  change…this was some serious dough, no joke. so, about a week later she loses that job, outrageous yes. so i decides im not going to say anything about the money for a minute cause she needed a chance to get back on her feet. so about three weeks later i asked her when she would have the money and told her i wasnt expecting it all at once. she says that she would have it all on the following friday. by the time the next wednesday came she asked me if she could wait two weeks til the 26th. of course, i said yeah. at least she came at me and asked if i could hold out and i really didnt even need the money. so the 26th rolls around and you would think that she would call me, txt me, im me, hit me up on the space…something. nope. didnt hear from this chick at all. so two days later she texted my phone like she aint owe me nothing…just talking bout nothing. ok, wait a minute, something aint right. i let her go a week just to see if she would mention the money at all. nope. silence. no money talk round here. so by that point i was irritated…not even mad fa’real. i called her and asked when she was going to have the money and after that she been ducking me out ever since. not answering my phone calls or nothing. she was supposed to bring it last week but of course something happened and two days later she magically lost her bank card. so you know what i did?? i went to every single bank website that i could think of and checked to see how long it takes to send a new bank card thru the mail. THE LONGEST THAT IT TAKES TO GET A NEW BANK CARD IS THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS. ok, she lost the card on saturday so that means it should be in the mail by monday morning and at her house by wednesday or friday.  that means, ill be knocking at her door on saturday evening and if my money aint in my hand my fist will be in her face. sorry but im tired.
pastor’s anniversary is in two weeks. am i excited?? yes and no. excited because first…FREE DINNER!!! i know, i know, the first reason should be because i just love my pastor so much [[which i do]] but…i love food just so much more and you know FREE food is the best food ever invented. so second reason i am excited is because i love my bishop oh so much. third reason…we have three wonderful great menses of GOD preaching and i know that it is going to be a holy ghost filled day. reasons why i am not excited…first, three services, from 7:30 am to around 6:30 pm i will be in Shiloh, around church going people and in church clothes that i do not want to be in for more than two hours max. reason number two, i just got a text message two minutes ago saying that ALL choirs must sing. that means, i have to go to rehearsal and on top of that i have to dance. singing and dancing all day long is not going to work for me so i am going to go to both rehearsals and then decide which one i want to be bothered with because the changing and stresses of both will not be working. reason number three… who in their right mind decided that it was ok to tell Tanae’ that pastors anniversary was coming up two weeks before it comes…ok, allow me to get my head together please. thank you.
im tired. just tired and worn out. tired. i just want to go somewhere far far away and sleep for two days straight and pray for eternity and then come back to try it again. sometimes we just need to get away from the world and just spend some alone time with us and God… until i get to get away ill just be tired and hopefully you will keep praying.
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something to look forward to…

Posted in choir, friends, Meek, people I love, Shiloh, sleepy night nights, tired by Tanae' A. on March 7, 2008
This week was very…interesting. I was excited on Monday because I was actually able to go home after work and stay there. The rest of the week, however, wasn’t that simple. On Tuesday I ended up having to go handle some business with a friend and we didnt get back in til about 1:30 in the morning. I was a whole lot pissed when it was time to get up and I promised that I would go home and go to sleep on wednesday after work. I actually kept my word and slept for a good two hours. I was ready to be in the bed at ten but then another friend wanted to go on this emotional roller coaster and I didnt get to sleep til 3. I woke up yesterday morning happy that a lot of things got settled the night before but still pissed due to lack of sleep. Yesterday was another long day, I went to see my grandmother right after work. Me and Meek ended up going to the mall to see Nisha and the fam and after about an hour there we went down to see Kev*Out since I couldnt go to the funeral this morning. I was in the bed by 10:30 last night but when I didnt want to get up this morning. I dragged myself into work and was planning to go home and chill. But, what do you know, the good people at Shiloh insist on sending emails out on thursday night to tell us that we have choir rehearsal friday. Do I feel like going?? Not at all but I guess it doesnt hurt to be obedient every once in a while lol. I am going home as soon as we pray out to put on some comfy clothes, chill out and wash clothes. I will wake tomorrow morning excited and happy because I have one hell of a day to look forward to. My bae is coming to see me YaY!! We actually have a plan but I heard that it is supposed to rain tomorrow and that is not good at all. This is supposed to be a whole day together and in the evening we’re hooking up with Meek and her boo. Hopefully it does not rain and we can go thru with our plans but if it does we are def. gonna figure out something else to do. I am just excited because even after a long, tiring week I have something to look forward to.
Let me state for the record how much I absolutely lovezz my homegirl Meek. She is the most retarded person I know but this week has been extra fun because she is just so crazy.

tired of giving

Posted in giving back, help me!!, life, people I love, tired by Tanae' A. on February 5, 2008
Every week, I reach out to at least ten people in some kinda way. Every week I talk to people about their issues and problems. Every week I call someone just to see how they are doing. Every week I shoot someone an email or text message just to let them know that I was thinking about them. Every week.
Every day I reach out to family and friends to make sure they are doing okay. Every day I text, call or hit them up on the space to see how they are. Every day, one of those persons that I reach out to need an encouraging word and everyday I give it. Every day.
Every so often, I go thru stuff. Every once in a while I have a bad day and need someone to talk to. Sometimes, I need to know that someone some where is thinking about me, praying for me, and are there if I need them. Every once in a while my faith is tested. Every month, every week, every single day.
Do you wanna know who calls me… no one. Do you wanna know who texts me… no one. Do you wanna know who emails me…no one. Do you wanna know who stops for more than two seconds to ask how im doing and really expect to hear something other than the simple “im okay”…no one. Do you wanna know who hits up myspace or facebook…no one.
Today I did a test. I did not pick up my phone not one time to call, text or send anyone an email. I let it sit here on my desk. You know how many txt messages are in my inbox?? Zero. You know how many incoming calls I got today?? Zero. You know how many emails I got?? Zero. You know how many people reached out?? Zero. One person txted me to ask me if I did what she asked me to do and I deleted her txt before I even thought about responding. And for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of the year… I will not pick my phone to dial anyone’s number. I aint texting no one that aint texting me and I def aint offering no words of encouragement. Truth be told, I’m tired… I feel like I give and give and give, not just my time but my money and my energy and my resources so that everyone that I care about can be okay. But who stops for two seconds to make sure that Tanae’ is good?? No hard feelings, I’m not mad. Just a lil fed up with the same stuff. When I get to a point where I feel like someone actually cares enough to give back to me then I’ll revert back to old ways. A simple thankyou that is truely sincere would do the trick but I dont get that either. So all the people that got used to Tanae’ being there when there was trouble… sorry for ya. For all you that grew accustomed to my phone calls every other week just to let you know I was thinking about you… sorry. For all you that looked forward to my text messages and emails… sorry. You can only drink from a well for too long before it becomes empty… im runnin on E so I’ll see yall on the flip side. Does this mean that I dont care?? Not by a long shot, it just means that I have to stop giving of myself in order to help others when I need that strength to pull my own self thru.
Peace:: Tanae’ A.
And for those of you wondering, I’m not looking for handouts. I dont want anyone to read this and then just pop up sending me txts and phone calls and junk. Thats not the purpose. My point is to stop giving of myself to a point where I run out of fuel. I have done perfectly fine getting thru life on my own for twenty years and ill do just fine the rest of the way so dont get that part twisted. I have never expected anyone to be there for more than a short period of time and so I wont start now. I just have to create a balance but right now im stepping back completely. Just dont think I need you or anyone else to cater to me like some child because that is not the case at all…
Tanae’ A.

A Happy Tanae’

So… it is now 12:30am Monday morning but my mind is still in Sunday because I have not been to sleep yet. Let me just state for the record…[[i am so frickin happy right now, i mean, i dont think i can remember the last time I have been this happy]] Of course you want to know what is making me so happy…well, let me replay the weekend for you.

FRIDAY::

By the time I got off work, I wasn’t too happy. I was tired, frustrated and upset but thats not relevant right now. I ended up going home and sitting in my room for forever with my brother. I was waiting patiently for my booboo Ashley to come over so that we could go over to my besties house for a girls night. After a few hours her bus rolled around the corner and we were ready to go. We had a ball yall…we danced and laughed and watched some old-as-dirt episodes of comic view from like ’99 and then we went to sleep. I was excited tho because usually when it comes to new people in my life I am so quick to push them away but I felt comfortable with Ashley, I just wanted to be around her and she didn’t get on my nerves at all that night so I kinda felt good about that.

SATURDAY::

We didn’t get in the bed on Friday night til about 5 in the morning and we woke up at 7:30 to get dressed. Mommy was taking us to breakfast!! YaY!! So we go to eat and then we run to the bank to cash my check. Soon we were right back at Jazzy’s house attempting to take a nap. But of course, Jasmine is never ever sleepy so she sat up messing around making sure that we didn’t go to sleep. 11:30 hit and Big Mama was calling me && Ashley to get up so she could take us back to my house. We sat around doing nothing for about an hour and then we left out so she could get on the bus and go home. But, what do ya know?? She misses the effin bus. Now, we’re talking about the 4…you know, the one that comes every hour. It’s now 12:45 and I have to go driving at 1 and I really dont know what you are going to do baby. So she’s sitting in the house by herself [because everyone else was gone] mad as I dont know what cause she’s bored and lonely. Eventually she went home and around 3:15 I was back in the house and Phil was on his way. We all hopped on the bus to go to the mall and meet Ashley then we walked around for a lil bit before heading back out to familiar territory!! LoL!! How bout:: we was seven deep [Me, Shink, Jazzy, Jessa, Phil, Shay, and Ash] so anyways, we all went out to eat and then we parted ways around 11. For some reason around 12 midnight Ashley decides that she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she wants to sit up talking and acting like a retard for like 5 hours. Mind you, the night before we only got 2 and a half hours of sleep with no nap to carry us over. I have no clue what time we fell asleep but in the morning I was tired and mad cause Shay woke us up at like 8:30…like what really was she thinking??

SUNDAY::

I woke up ready for church. I knew what I was wearing and all I had to do was iron my clothes. Thankfully my outfit looked right, all I had to do was switch around the pants cause the ones I had on first wasn’t flowing with the shoes. So, we eat, get dressed and head out the door. Suprisingly we walk into the sanctuary at 10:56 and I was absolutely shocked. Service was great. It was funny cause the whole time we sitting there we trying to figure out who is going to preach so we thinking Bishop is just running late or something…of course he’ll show up. Nope, we was all surprised to see Pastor Ben Long walk up on the pulpit. Slam soon as I saw him I turned and looked at mommy like we bout to get a good word. And what do ya know?? God was in that place so heavy… I promise, I dont even remember the benediction. It was awesome… like, I have seen God move. I have seen things in church that will have me just like “Wow, look at God” but today… I cant even explain it. The word was good but there was something about God’s presence in that place that just made me feel tingly inside… it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m talking a good 20 minutes after everybody was gone out the sanctuary I’m still trying to get it together so that we could go… but I couldn’t. Everytime I tried to make it out of there the spirit of God was just holding on to me with like incredible force. All I can say is, you had to be there to see it or know what i felt fa’real. I have never ever had an experience like that or seen anything like that ever before in my life and it just blew my mind completely. I just wish that I could have stayed right there forever.

But eventually we had to leave so… we went home, changed clothes, ate and headed to Jazzy’s. We were watching some Lifetime movies and I was trying desperately to go to sleep but Ashley lil stpuid self kept tickling me and them other two bamas was so loud it was ridiculous. We played a game of monopoly and around 8:45 we left to go to my house. We stood with Ashley at the bus stop and went back in, talked with Indi for a while and watched a movie while I took out my hair. I just now hopped in the shower and now I am about to go to sleep cause I am exhausted but I just had to tell everyone how happy I am right now.

FINALLY::

I finally feel like everything in my life is falling into place. I have the best friends in the world that help me grow in so many ways. They are there thru good times and bad times… to make me laugh when I want to cry. I have the best girl in the world by my side letting me know that its just life… hopefully I can help her grow. [she told me today that she never felt anything like what she felt in church today and she wishes that she could join… I told her she could with out a problem] hopefully, we’ll help each other in the long run. I have the most wonderful support in the entire world, a wonderful church family that is there no matter what. They are there to give me hug, pray a prayer, offer a word of encouragement or simply life me up off the floor when I find myself half way under the sixth pew..LoL!! Really, I cant complain. And a lot of times I look around at all that I have and I feel unworthy, I feel like I dont deserve it but not right now. I know for a fact that I am truly undeserving of every blessing that I get and I am completely aware of the fact that I dont even deserve the air in my lungs but its different right now. I dont deserve it, I know I dont but God has so much love in Him to allow me to be here today. He is allowing me to be who I am today and I am truly grateful for that. I serve a God that accepts me just the way I am… even after every wrong thing that I have done he still looks at me and loves me and continuously blesses me. He dont look at me and see everything that I have been thru and done and I shouldn’t look at me like that either. My slate is clean my sins are forgiven and I am here today if for no other reason but to give Him praise for bringing me thru everything that I have been thru and to be a witness to those that are going thru. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the person that I used to be.. but I see all that God has in store for me and it gives me joy just to know that I dont look like what I been thru… now, thats a word..

Guys…I’M HAPPY!!!

drained

Posted in tired by Tanae' A. on November 8, 2007

i think i have come to a point where i am just drained. from everything really. im just tired of the everyday. it sucks really…to be drained physically, emotionally, spiritually…just everything. i try to stay upbeat even in the midst of everything that is going on right now in my life but for some reason i’m just not feeling it. im tired. i am drained from life and i really just want a 20 hour nap and wake up completely refreshed…

its not to often that i really just get tired. not upset or mad or angry or hurt or scared or frustrated… im just tired. i’ve put a stop to all the emotional nonsense that is usually going on because i just dont have enough energy to try to figure this shit out anymore. i haven’t even attempted to pray the past few days because i am tired of waiting on reponses from God. i’m tired of having to make decisions about this and that. tired of being this person who has all these concerns and worries that only prove that i am human just like everyone else. really, i just wanna have a few days where i can just not give a damn. i haven’t been to see my Nana in two days and i probably wont go up there for a few more days. im tired of everything. im just plain old drained and maybe this weekend will revive me but either way it doesn’t matter.

bottom line… im just drained.. tired and drained.

a good weekend=a bad monday

Okay, its not really a bad monday but…

Friday I really had a serious attitude. It was raining outside, I didn’t feel well and my sister was getting on my last half of nerve. After 45 minutes of standing on the bus stop I hopped on the first thing I saw coming. My mom had to pick me up somewhere cause I got on the wrong bus on purpose and then she had to run to the dollar store. Jazzy persuaded me to go to Jason’s Woods with them so I went home to change clothes. We drove for about an hour and then decided to turn around because the weather was too bad and we were hydroplaning [i learned that in driving school ha] and swerving like crazy. So we settled on going to Red Lobster and we ate some of the best food ever. The waiter was really really nice so we left him a big tip and then we went to the pool hall. Me and Matt shot around for a lil bit while Jazzy and Shay looked at us like we were crazy and then around 1 we got in the house.

Of course I was mad as hell when I had to wake up at 8 on Saturday morning. I got dressed and was out the door at 9. I managed to make it to Amy’s to get my hair done about 10 minutes after 10 and I didn’t leave there til about 1 cause mommy got lost coming to pick me up. So, with a headache and growling tummy, I hopped in the car. I was so hungry that I ate a half of chicken box and some food from wendy’s LoL!! so fat!! But anyways… we stopped at the halloween store so that I could get some stuff for the party I was going to go to. We got back in the house and I packed all my bags and was ready to go. Shink plucked my nerves for 10 hours before we left out the house but once we got to Jazzy’s she straightened up a bit. Once we got there our dacquiris (sp) were done and our food was cooking. We walked next door for a while and soon and very soon we sat down to eat. Ronnie hooked us up with some smothered pork chops, cabbage, spanish rice and corn pudding… the food was on point!! After that, Jazzy helped me get my outfit together and then we left to go to Dougs party.

Since we couldn’t find a ride we ended up walking… let me tell you. I had on a mini skirt, some fishnet stockings, some knee boots, and a lil ass black shirt… that outfit does not mix with walking up the street for 20 minutes in the freezing cold. But, I did it and we finally made it. When we got there it was really early still but there were mad people in there. It had to be no later than 8:30 and half of them were already drunk… it didn’t make no sense. We walked around and talked to everyone for a while and then we sat down and watched these people act like fools. Surprisingly, we didn’t drink anything that night besides the dacquiris (sp) that Ronnie made for us… and let me tell you, it is funny watching other drunk people when you’re sober LoL!! but anyways, we left around 12:30. Got in the house, ate some left over food and crashed.

We woke up Sunday morning ready to go to church. [well me and Shink were ready, Jazzy wanted to stay home] Eventually we got her dressed and made her come and she was glad that she did. The sermon was right on time and I think it was something that we all kinda needed to hear. We went to Golden Corale, laughed with Mommy a lil bit and eventually drove back to the house. Mommy went inside and we sat in the car and took the best nap this world has seen. An hour later we were on our way back up Sycamore and into the church. The choir was on point!! The service was extremely long and I was extremely tired but I still stayed til the end. We walked up the street and helped Jazzy with her project that she waited til the last minute to do. By the time we were finished it was 10:30 and I was beat. I went home and hopped face first in the bed and was pised when my alarm went off this morning.

I was so tempted to not come to work because I really feel like crap. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I think I have a fever and I just do not feel good at all. I will probably end up going home early cause if not I do not think I will make it thru the rest of this day. It is freezing cold outside so I was really mad when I walked out the house this morning. Lucky for me, I put on a sweater and some boots and a scarf cause if not I would probably freeze to death.

I was going to go to dance rehearsal today after work but when I got up I quickly changed my mind. I may just wait and go next monday cause there is no way I am going to make it today. The only thing I want to do is go home and get in the bed… anybody got a thermometer??

a weekend of celebration…or maybe not

Posted in birthdays, celebrations, events, friends, girls night, Indi*poo, issues, Jasmine, movies, party, tired, weekend by Tanae' A. on October 26, 2007

so, yesterday was my sister’s 21st birthday and tomorrow is my besties birthday… so I am really in the mood to celebrate. We had some plans that would fill the whole weekend but I have a feeling that I am not going to like the way things turn out. We were supposed to go to Jason’s Woods last weekend but no one had any money so we are planning to go today. Note:: I do not want to go. I am terrified of anything that seems the least bit scary so I am not really looking forward to this. But since it is my besties birthday weekend and she wants me to go I agreed. Now, I think I have changed my mind. Tomorrow night, my sister will be having a birthday party at the club and we have been planning to go since forever. Now all of a sudden it seems like there are so many issues that are stopping everyone from going. That was the one thing about this weekend that I have been looking forward to and now they are telling me that we might not be able to go. Well, I am really not in a compromising mood so if we do not go to this party I am going to stay my butt in the house all weekend long. I am going to watch movies and wash clothes and not een bother going anywhere or doing anything. I am not going to PA just to be scared out of my mind and I am not going to sit in the house on Saturday night just to look at them like they stupid… I want to go out so if I dont go I’ll make sure that her birthday is boring and uneventful. I just wanna go to this daggone party and everyone is tripin like it takes that much effort to get to a stupid club. I would love nothing more right now than to go home, snuggle up on my couch with a movie and some Papa Johns and right now I am really tempted to do just that. I dont feel good, I have cramps to die for, a headache that will not go away, and I am sleepy as all hell so I dont think I’ll be a fun person to deal with if I dont get my way.

Happy Birthday everyone… this weekend better be the best of the best because if it isn’t I’ll make it the worst of the worst!!

I have been bad this week…

Posted in morning, tired, weekend, work by Tanae' A. on September 28, 2007

I dont know what I was thinking but this kind of behavior has def caught up to me cause I’m feeling it now. What have I been doing that is so bad?? I’m glad you are curious enough to ask. I have been staying up late every day this week like I dont have a job.

This madness started on Sunday night when I just decided to sit around the living room watching tv. Soon as 9:30 hit I decided that I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep. Well, this has been the pattern I have been following since then. I have been sitting up like it everyday was friday and now that it really is friday, I want nothing more than to jump face first into a deep sleep and not be waken up until 10am tomorrow morning, to the smell of pany-kakes of course!! hehe!! But, I seriously do not know what got into me… I was seriously staying up til like almost 1:00 am every single night this week, and I wonder why 6:30 come so soon. It felt good to sit up late but I  have made a mental note to myself that I will not, under any circumstances what-so-ever, stay up past 10 at the very latest on a work night. The funny thing is that every single night, everyone has been telling me to go get in the bed cause they know that by 9 I am usually out like a light. I should have listened to them and went to sleep while I still had the chance. Now, its friday and I am exhausted and I dont want to go anywhere or do anything… besides, I dont have any money to do anything anyway or go anywhere so oh well… Driving school has to be paid for in two weeks so there is no way in bajesus that I am even bout to go to some fancy smanchy restaurant, these fools better order some pizza and rent a few movies and call it a night… well, thats just my opinion.

I need to suffer the consequences for showing out this week… my punishment… in bed by 10pm tonight… or better yet, maybe 8… now, that sound reasonable.