What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.


lessons and seasons

Lately, everything in my life has been going exactly the way I want it to go which is strangely unusual. This just means that something is coming up really soon. Of course, I have stress everyday and some things/people can push me over the edge but for the most part everything is peachy. I realized yesterday that I am going to school in the fall. I dont know where it came from but I was sitting there and I just thought that maybe I should go… I have nothing to lose and everything to gain… so I’ll go to register today after work…finally. I also realized that I desperately want to be a part of the youth coucil at my church. I want to be one of the one’s that makes the decisions but more importantly I want to be the one to build the gap between the youth and the council. There are a few who take time out to really interact with the youth but I dont think it’s being done enough. I guess this is just further evidence that I am falling in love with youth ministry as a whole. I’ll pray bout that… I got some things to work on before I step into a leadership position. Another thing that I realized yesterday is that I am nothing without my friends. Yesterday evening I talked to my ex-room mate whome I haven’t spoken to in at least a good 2 months. We both kinda just got lost in our seperate lives and although we talk about every 3 months or so… it’s not enough. So I did the best thing that I could think to do… I invited her to church… Youth Day 2007. She’ll spend the entire day with me and I am excited about it. I haven’t hung out with her in sooo long and I honestly miss my sis. Everyday is full of lessons that we have to hang on to and process. The most valuable lessons that I learned yesterday:: 1. My mom is absolutely amazing and I love her dearly… no I didn’t just learn that but that fact kinda smacked me in the face last night. 2. Some people are only meant to be involved in certain things for a season and after while they have to leave. No one can fill someone elses shoes but any one can take a certain someones place. In a lil while someone that I love dearly will be making transition to somewhere she thinks is better for her and I am crushed…not for personal reasons but mainly because I dont know what will happen to whats left of them. A lot of times her words, actions, and influence is what has driven and now she is politely dismissing herself… I’m praying.

*for everything there is a season*

a hard decision

Have you ever been forced to chose between to extremes? When forced to make a decision have you hesitated because no matter what you decided… you would ultimately get hurt? Have you ever known what was best for you but you didn’t wanna go with what you knew because you didn’t wanna admit the truth to yourself?

Last week, I sorta forced myself to make a choice that I didnt want to make. After much thought and “weighing of the options” I realized to I was still in the same place that I started because I didn’t want to admit the truth to myself. I didn’t wanna move past that place that I had become content.

And so I put the decision in someone elses hands and told them to make the choice. After all they were just as much apart of the solution as they were the problem. So today is the day that the truth shall reveal itself. I know that if he says what I know is right I’ll be hurt but at the same time… it will be a relief. I know the answer to the simple yes or no question that I proposed. I know also know that feelings and emotions may very well cause us to answer that question wrongly. But I’ll take my chances. I think that at this point in time… he’ll think a bit more rational than I will. Maybe he’s smart enough to respond with an answer that will ultimately give me what I need to walk away from the one thing that I’ve run back to so many times.

Sometimes when we cant make decisions for ourselves we have to depend on others to make the decision for us. I think, this time around, I’ll be lucky. He’ll make a choice that will benefit us both in the long run. And although it may hurt… I know it’s the simple truth that I’ve been trying not to face. But in making the decision that I made to allow him to chose… I also realized that he wont be there always to make these type of decisions. There will come a time where I’ll have to look at truth in it’s face and really deal with the hurt that comes along with the healing. Keep praying for me…please…. just dont stop praying.


Posted in family, friends, issues, life, move on, people I love, so Un*D*Sided by Tanae' A. on April 27, 2007

This weekend is going to be ridiculously hard and I know it… well not really hard, just a lot emotional. Its is officially time to do some spring cleaning and I am not too excited about it. Some people have to get the boot. For a while now I’ve been very nicely just kicking people out of my life that I just dont want there and so far everyone that I didn’t want was just taking up space anyway. But why does it always seem like the people that you do want in your life are the ones that are doing nothing but bringing you down. A lot of times we have to put boundaries on our relationships and say okay this person is here for this reason so that means they cant be anything more. It’s hard to let friends go when you thought yall would grow old together. It’s hard to keep somebody at a certain distance and mark where your relationship stops at… but at the same time, when you dont put up boundaries for yourself you end up falling back into the same thing you trying to grow out of. Most times, the life long friends will not be there for an entire lifetime and you have to learn how to accept that and come to grips with it. So this weekend I have to apply the boundaries to a few people and do what I can to prevent myself from giving in. At the same time I have to embrace the people that are lifelong and appreciate them for who and what they are. I realized the other day that outside of family I have 2 lifelong friends and I am so happy about that cause I know that they are the best of the best even tho they are a lil retarded.  So i’m well prepared for the weekend ahead of me and I’m focused on everything that I have to do tonight and tomorrow and I’m excited to see where I’ll be at on monday morning… Check me out homiez!!!

Tired of Trying

I guess after a while people and their egotistical ways can really do some damage. And if I be really honest about it… there’s only so much that people can take before they get tired. I try a lot, now, to kinda bite my tongue when it comes to certain things because there’s a time and place for everything and a lot of times I feel like I’m in no position to even speak up about certain things, therefore I keep my mouth shut. But I am really silently praying that sooner rather than later a few people get together to take care of some business. I just think that at this point in my life I really am not in the mood to deal with people and their issues… maybe this is just a phase… but I’m really just kinda fed-up. Too many people are egotistical, young, petty, phony, and in it for all the wrong reasons. I watched Crash last weekend and I remember at the end when the rookie cop stopped being partners with the racist cop and the racist said something to him like: Wait til you’ve been in it a lil longer, you think you know who you are now, but wait til you been in it a lil longer, than you’ll see. [end quote LoL] Thats how I think some people are today… sad to say… even in the church. People get so caught up in the titles… they get wrapped around the position and they take their status to a whole other level. They show up for all the wrong reasons, they use their authority in all the wrong ways, and they think the show is all about them when reality is… it aint even got a thing to do with them. And the thing that pisses me off the most is the simple fact that no body who can really do something about it actually sees whats really going on and the people who are tired of it wont stand up to say anything. And God knows… me and my mouth wont even get in it cause that would be in violation of the 36th amendment…. you know, the one that says that under no circumstances what-so-ever should Shay or Tae’ stand up and say anything worth saying… especially when they have attitudes!! LoL!! But… I know how to work in the backgrounds and I know how to get what I want done without doing anything… so right now I’m really working on getting a certain someone to ride the bench for a whole and get their priorities in order. Cause quit frankly… I aint the only one thats tired of trying to deal with the stank attitudes and egotistical ways… I’ve been watching what I say for a long time… and “check ya flesh” done wore out in this situation… so like they say “pray bout it”


[right is so wrong]

Posted in back to the past, events, family, issues, life, love, right vs. wrong, so Un*D*Sided by Tanae' A. on March 28, 2007

right now…. i kinda in a weird way need but dont need someone’s opinion about something. I want an opinion because I really dont know what to do about something but at the same time I dont really wanna have to hear what someone has to say because I dont know if they’ll see things from my point of view. So… i just dont know.

I must admit

back in the day

I did some things

and made some mistakes

but out of them all

theres always one

that you just cant shake

stands out like a sore thumb

and what if doing whats right

turns out to be wrong

but either way it’s crazy

cause im still stringin people along

and nothing really ends

unless there’s something in its way

but if I end it

something else starts the same day

and no matter what the outcome

I’m still not right

and I hate the past

that keeps me up every night

cause if there was one thing

that I wish I could take back

it would be this one thing

that wont cut me any slack

and im not even the type

to live in regret

because life is what it is

and what you give is what you get

and one thing i’ve learned

is that i’ve gotten this far

and mistakes build character

so they make you who you are

thats why for the most part

i’m content with who I am

but this one thing I wanna let go of

I just dont know if I can

because there could possibly be

a  lot more damage done

and then yet again

i’ll be the wrong one

and all i’m tryin to do

is make things right

cause I dont know how much longer

I can live in this lie.