Posted in back track, be the change, check ya flesh, church, decisions, family, issues, seperation, [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

A lil whie back I asked a friend of mine who was recently married what it was like to live with someone. She broke it down to washing dishes. She said his mother had shown him how to do dishes one way and her mother showed her a completely different way so they had to come to a point where they just said ok… this is how we are going to wash our dishes. My first thought after hearing that was well… how many ways are there to really wash dishes?? LoL!! I guess I recently realized that it wasn’t about the dishes, it was about the compromise. A lot of problems start when someone says “Well, I want to wash my dishes my way and forget about your way” That “I” mentality needs to be shut down real fast. There has to be some sort of middle ground and the sad thing about it is that… a lot of people refuse to move out of their selfishness. But in pointing the finger at other people I had to really think about my own self in a certain situation. I’m happy to say that in the past week I have compromised and honestly, it feels good. Maybe we need to have a lesson on washing dishes… cause a few people still stuck on what Mama done taught them. Maybe we should get the entire youth council and some of the youth to take a private dish washing class… oops… didnt mean to say that out loud!! LoL!!

lessons and seasons

Lately, everything in my life has been going exactly the way I want it to go which is strangely unusual. This just means that something is coming up really soon. Of course, I have stress everyday and some things/people can push me over the edge but for the most part everything is peachy. I realized yesterday that I am going to school in the fall. I dont know where it came from but I was sitting there and I just thought that maybe I should go… I have nothing to lose and everything to gain… so I’ll go to register today after work…finally. I also realized that I desperately want to be a part of the youth coucil at my church. I want to be one of the one’s that makes the decisions but more importantly I want to be the one to build the gap between the youth and the council. There are a few who take time out to really interact with the youth but I dont think it’s being done enough. I guess this is just further evidence that I am falling in love with youth ministry as a whole. I’ll pray bout that… I got some things to work on before I step into a leadership position. Another thing that I realized yesterday is that I am nothing without my friends. Yesterday evening I talked to my ex-room mate whome I haven’t spoken to in at least a good 2 months. We both kinda just got lost in our seperate lives and although we talk about every 3 months or so… it’s not enough. So I did the best thing that I could think to do… I invited her to church… Youth Day 2007. She’ll spend the entire day with me and I am excited about it. I haven’t hung out with her in sooo long and I honestly miss my sis. Everyday is full of lessons that we have to hang on to and process. The most valuable lessons that I learned yesterday:: 1. My mom is absolutely amazing and I love her dearly… no I didn’t just learn that but that fact kinda smacked me in the face last night. 2. Some people are only meant to be involved in certain things for a season and after while they have to leave. No one can fill someone elses shoes but any one can take a certain someones place. In a lil while someone that I love dearly will be making transition to somewhere she thinks is better for her and I am crushed…not for personal reasons but mainly because I dont know what will happen to whats left of them. A lot of times her words, actions, and influence is what has driven and now she is politely dismissing herself… I’m praying.

*for everything there is a season*

It’s Me…only duplicated

Posted in clothes, death, family, friends, healing, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love, prayer, seperation, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

I have never really feared my own death. I understand that everyone is alloted a certain amount of time on this earth to do whatever it is that they have been created to do. The only thing that I have asked of God is that I go as quickly and calmly as possible. I’ve lived in dramatic rage all my life and the last thing that I want to do is die in that same hell. Suffering is what has pushed me to life, I¬†certainly dont want it to push me to death.

Up until yesterday I’ve never really taken too much time out to dwell on the world without me. Trust the world as a whole would not be affected but my small world will. I am so afraid of the people that I love being called away from here that I never even take time out to think about my own departure. I thought about it yesterday and the only thing that I could think about is my closest friends and family having to live without me.

I think about my mom and how she calles me for every technical issue that she encounters. Without me she would have no one to drive with her everywhere in America just to pay some bills.

My grandmother wouldn’t have anyone to call her o-so-sexy on sunday evenings…and no one to make sure her phone bill is exactly a week and 3 days late.

My older sister wouldn’t have anyone to yell at for picking with her son…again. And she wouldn’t have anyone to yell at her everytime she needs someone to walk to 7-11 to get some cheese for her doritos.

My Jazzy wouldn’t have anyone to call weird everyday. Or make her laugh when she cries. Or to jump on her when she just barely falls asleep. Or to steal all the new shirts that she got over the weekend.

My Budd*y wouldn’t have anyone to flirt with on those boring nights. Or anyone to actually beat him in pool or force him to buy the french fries that noone needs.

My Phil wouldn’t have anyone to call every ten minutes. Or to book his flights back to baltimore. Or to say how much she really hates ALL his girfriends. He wouldn’t have anyone to talk about when he got a lil attitude. He wouldn’t have anyone to write him letters or walk around the corner with. No one else will sleep in his bed and force him to sit on the floor with the small pillow. He wouldn’t have anyone to make him a cup of juice just to drink it all.

My Shink wouldn’t have anyone to do everything for her that she cant do for herself. She wouldn’t have anyone to stand on her bed to cut on the light, or to steal her jewelry and red hoody. Or to bother her at 2 in the morning for nothing. Or to sit in the bathroom and talk to when she takes those 10 hour candle lit baths. She wouldn’t have anyone to order her food, or her water [3 cubes of ice no lemon] or to tie her shoes. She wouldn’t have anyone to do her bun or talk about her colors or get the hair off her shirt after having a fit with the brush. She wouldn’t have anyone to eat with or watch movies with or talk to about the stupidest things. She wouldnt have anyone to argue with or sit with or walk with down the street. She wouldn’t have anyone to complete her.

These are the only reasons that I will ever be scared of leaving this earth. I dont want my family and friends to miss me in anyway or hurt because I’m gone. Instead I wish I could send them a duplicate…not as weird or as funny or as helpful…but close to it. Maybe not the same crazy hair or choice of clothing but I want someone to come that will make their life somewhat the same as it has been for years. I dont wanna leave this earth anytime soon but if I do… I pray that I would go quick and that my family would be blessed with someone to fill my shoes… just a lil bit.



Posted in decisions, him, hurt, issues, life, love, people I love, seperation by Tanae' A. on May 18, 2007

I laugh at myself sometimes and I know there are a few people who look at me and think how stupid I must be but for some reason that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I used to really think about ending it with *him* but reality is that when things are good it makes all the tears and all the arguments and all the worries well worth it. Nothing in the world could possible compare to how I feel when I get to be with *him* and be happy. Nothing could take away that feeling that I get when I hear *him* say that he loves me… and I know its true.

It’s been almost two years and I plan to stick this thing out for another two years or however long it takes *him* to finish school. His brother asked me a while ago why I continue to be there and I tell everyone just like I told him… I do it because I love *him*. And I never ever question his love for me because I dont have to. I know it’s real.

A lot of people ask me how I deal with the whole trust thing but I dont think it’s hard. I trust *him* to come back to me and that’s all that matters. We are both living our lives the best way that we know how to and we both do what we wanna do but I know damn well that he aint giving nobody else his heart… his heart belongs to me.

I dont know what will happen in the next two years or how this relationship is going to go but I know that for right now I’ve learned to be content with the way things are. Maybe in the next two years we’ll realize that it’s not meant to be and we’ll both have a change of heart. Maybe we’ll become stronger. Maybe every obstacle that we face will bring us closer together and maybe it will tear us apart but like I tell *him*… I aint going no where until I know that we are over.

At the end of the day… I’m gonna do what I wanna do and live life to the fullest but there is no one in the world that will be able to take his spot. No one else in the world will ever capture my heart or touch my soul the way he does. I love *him* so much and even through our problems and issues he lets me know that he loves me too.

We’ll have our good and bad days and I may continue to cry myself to sleep some nights… but all of it is worth it when I get to be in *his* arms where I belong. Kisses Baby!!

Free to Grieve

Posted in back to the past, death, family, friends, hurt, life, lost one, love, people I love, prayer, seperation by Tanae' A. on May 15, 2007

Last night I was forced to go back to a time that I didnt want to go back to. Some very important people in my life lost their great-grandmother a few days ago and I was automatically taken back to the summer of 2005. Almost two years ago I lost one of my favorite people in the entire world… My aunt Tee. When she passed, I shed my tears but I had to remain strong for my mom and grandmother who were more hurt than I was. When I think about life and the people that we are going to lose along the way I am reminded how much more growing up I have to do. If I had a choice I would go before my sisters, mother, grandmother, cousins, or aunts go. When I think about living life without the people that mean so much to me I know that is something that I am not prepared to deal with. There are a lot of people in my family that I dont get to see as often as I would like simply because of location or timing but that doesn’t dismiss the fact that without them my life would be totally incomplete. Half my family is stretched all across the country and the more time goes by the more we seperate but I couldn’t possibly be accept the fact that eventually I will lose the people close to me. I pray that in the time that I have left with those in my family that I would not only be able to build wonderful memories but also that I would grow so that when time comes to say farewell to the ones I love I can be strong and continue on with life. I love every single person in my family for the people that they are and the contributions that they make. I hope that my dear friends would allow their hearts to grieve but i also pray that they would find strength to pick up where they left off and appreciate life, family, and friends more because of what they have been forced to endure. I love you guys always… my prayers are with you and the fam.