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awkward emotions

Posted in crying, friends, frustrations, issues, life, lonliness, love, men, money, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 26, 2007

I am a very very ridiculously emotional person… such a darn scorpio. One would think that by now I would be used to this emotional rollercoaster that I seem to always find myself on… but that is so not the case. Right now, my problems mostly revolve around men and money. How sucky is that?? But anyways… the money thing is cool its just that everytime I get ready to save some money something comes along that takes the few dollars that I have left over. I’m not really upset about it because I know that the money that I am spending is being put to good use but I secretly wanna be able to do both at the same time, i know thats kinda greedy but oh well.

My men issue is not eventhat serious but I seem to blow things way out of proportion. I am sad about my honey and I dont want to be but I secretly am. I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m not sad because we’re not together, I’m sad because we were supposed to last. I’m lonely because I was so used to him, I dont want to be with him but now I have to learn to live without him and thats something that I dont really want to do. We have to somehow start over from the beginning as friends. We have to learn to not be a couple and try being acquaintences. It’s going to be hard but I know that its something that has to be done. I am glad that I am at this point but I kinda wish that this was not an issue right now. But things seem to be coming along great. We talk more when we are just friends, I guess because we no longer have these failed expectations. In due time, things will work themselves out for the better. But in the meantime… I’m still praying.

And I need a huge box of tissues because I am overly emotional and for some reason I just keep crying… Hopefully this will be over soon.

im thru.

Posted in decisions, freedom, him, hurt, lost one, love, moving on, pain, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 20, 2007

sometimes walking away is the best thing that we can do… for ourselves.

…its time to focus on me and stop worrying about him… finally im free.

Sister2Sister

Posted in blessings, church, life, love, ministry, people I love, seperation, Shiloh, sisters by Tanae' A. on September 19, 2007

A few years ago, some sistahs got together at my church to start a ministry called Sister2Sister. It was cool at first but over time things died down and eventually no one heard anything else about it. A few people would say that this was a failure but I would beg to differ. Although there were no meetings and no more sitting together on the third pew on third Sunday’s… we were still a ministry in my eyes. We ministered to one another. We was there for each other, the big sisters as well as the lil sisters. At the end of the day I walked away from that with five great and wonderful big sisters… Tam, Rease, Ness, ShanShan, and Esther. Within the past year or so I think that everyone has pretty much gone their seperate ways. People have gone to different churches, life has taken their toll on some lives, and others are still around but just not as close.

I just wanted to take time out to recognize and appreciate five special ladies that have impacted my life in such a great way over the past few years. There’s no telling where this life will take them or me so I just wanted to take time out to acknowledge them individually and collectively…

Shan: You have such a beautiful spirit and you are such a beautiful woman. I remember them days I used to call you just cause I hadn’t seen you in church in a minute. You have always been there on the sidelines doing something to help out… I love you for that.

Rease: You already know I got the worlds most love for you!! [and your glow in the dark toe polish!!! LoL!!] You are always there putting up with my craziness and laughing at my retardness. You are so real and down to earth and you just all around cool peoples… Luv Yah Chick!

Esther: You are my smiling sister. You are always there to give that big old beautiful smile and even when you dont know you have a way of flashing those pearlie whites and making my day so much better. You have a beautiful spirit and a warm heart. You did great!! Love you always.

Ness: Life has taught us some lessons. You’ve been there since day one with me. You never judged me and therefore, I’ll never judge you. You are wonderful. You are a leader and you have told me thru example how to remain humble in the face of controversy. I will forever cherish our saturdays out and our long rides to New York. And even those phone calls that I’d get every other day… I love you Boo!!

Tam: You were my original Big Sis and you will always be just that in my mind. You have taught some wonderful lessons and you were always there to reprimand me when I got in trouble even tho I never knew how you found out about stuff LoL!! You are such a beautiful person and you have impacted so many lives so I am more than blessed to have had you in my life. Through everything… you were there && I will love you forever because of that… Thank You!

Life takes everyone in different directions and some things we never ever see coming but sometimes we have to take life for what it is and appreciate the downs just as much as we enjoy the ups. I love you all dearly.

Tae’

Butterfly:: you were given wings to fly… even thru all your troubles and everything else just trust God and continue to do what it is that you were meant to do. You are in my prayers… I miss you

all good things must come to an end

Posted in frustrations, hurt, issues, life, lost one, moving on, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 17, 2007

I think it’s really weird how one day someone can be your best friend and then the next day they mugg you like you are the scum of the earth. I just really dont understand that fa’real. I mean, what is this world coming to??

I’m not really too close to too many people but there are a select few that I actually take time out to deal with [or maybe they take time out to deal with me] it doesn’t matter either way you look at it. It’s not that I’m just anti-social, but there are always those people that you just have a good relationship with… people that actually mean enough to do more than a simple hi and bye with you. Ya know??

Well anyways, there was a certain someone who was kinda like always there in my corner. I helped her out for a few summers with some stuff and she taught me a lot of things. She encouraged me to stay in school when I wanted to leave. She helped me with my senoir prom when I didn’t have enough money. She was the one that I always stopped by to see when I just needed someone to talk to. So many mornings, I was the one she called when she needed help re-arranging her office. And she was even the one that taught me how to pray… I remember she would always tell me “the more you talk to Him, the more He talks to you” and there wasn’t a morning that I was with her that she didn’t make sure that we started out with devotion. She was there for me and I helped her out. We kept it real with one another and I really valued the relationship that we shared… but now I’m really starting to question her actions because they seem a lil fishy to me.

A lil while ago, I got into this thing with her sister. It didn’t spiral out of control and actually it kinda went down better than I ever expected. I guess after that happened she just stopped speaking to me. I noticed it a while ago but I never said anything because things like that dont get to me. She could very well be having a bad day, or a bad month, but whatever. That really didn’t strike a nerve. But what threw me is that when I saw her this past weekend, I was like standing right there next to her, I spoke and she just straight up dissed me. She literally looked at me dead in my face and walked away like it was nothing. I think I was more hurt that mad or angry because I thought that we were better than that but I guess that with some people you never really know who they are or what they are about until things really hit the fan.

Now, me and my sister are two completely different people. If she gets into it with someone, I am not the type to cop no attitude or nothing like that, thats yall battle yall fight it out. I will not be apart of it unless I really think I need to be.  But, my sister on the other hand, if I even say for two seconds that someone is trippin, she is going off the top. I can just say I dont like a person or that this person said this about me and Shay will mugg them til her eyes fall out the sockets. She will not speak and if she does she will purposely be rude. Now, I have gotten to a point where I wont even tell her when I got even the smallest issue with someone because she makes it ten times worst and I cant stand it. I guess thats why it’s pissing me off so bad to know that this person who I’m supposed to be cool with is really treating me like crap over something that was not my fault in the first place. Me and her sister got into an altercation but it’s cool now, it wasn’t nothing too serious and now she wants to be completely dissing me like its nothing… I mean what is really going on??

I guess, I just never stopped to think that something like what happened between me and her sister could cause any trouble between me and her. I am a lil disappointed that things have to end the way that they do, but I guess all good things must come to an end… and now here we are at the end of the road. It’s been fun, you’ve taught me a lot and I’ve helped you a lot and there are so many lessons that I will never ever forget. You are a wonderful person and you have a kind heart and I will be forever greatful for the support that you have given me over the past few years. You have been a leader, a mentor, a helping hand and a friend and your actions do not go unrecognized. So long, farewell, you are out of my life, for good this time.

Letting some people go

Tae’

The Good Die Young

Posted in community, death, friends, hurt, life && death, lost one, love, pain, school, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 4, 2007

It’s crazy how someone can be here one day and gone the next. You never even think that someone could just be gone in an instant. I just got word that someone I went to school with died yesterday in a car accident. I didn’t know her that well but I know that she was a sweet gurl and she had tons of friends in the area. I know that she was going to school and actually trying to make something of herself. I know that no one even thought for a second that yesterday would be her last day on this earth. She was on her way back to school when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel. I’m praying for her family and all her close friends. The community will be greatly affected by this tragedy… so many people loved her and clung to her great and wonderful personality. This will be a hard pill to swallow… just keep all of T.S. in your prayers… cause God knows, we all will miss her and that big bright smile that she carries.

RIP Brielle Newland, I didn’t know you that well but you will forever be missed. Watch over all of us from your seat up in heaven…

To the Fab 8::…

keep yall heads up, yall can get thru this, I know yall loved her.

we’re NOT in this together…

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, hurt, issues, Jasmine, life, lonliness, people I love, seperation, Shink, Tae' by Tanae' A. on August 15, 2007

Since I can remember, I have never done too much of anything on my own. There’s always someone there with me, in it for the long haul. But, I guess now things have changed. For once in my entire life I’m forced to do some things on my own and I am pissed about it. Sometimes you never think that you would be standing alone at certain points in your life. But I guess somethings we just have to deal with on our own. I dont want to do this by myself. I dont want to be left out of something only to have to tackle it by myself later. We’re supposed to be in this thing together and now you two wanna do things on your own and leave me standing here looking stupid. But, it’s okay because you always stand behind the one you leave behind.

Maybe this is just a journey that I need to go on by myself. Maybe this is time that I need to sit back and really just take time out to get things done alone. I wrote a post a lil while ago about being alone. It suggested that even when we are alone we’re not really lonely because we have people in our hearts that keep us company even when it seems as tho we are by ourselves. I want to delete that post right now because I’m not alone but I feel very lonely at this point in my life. Despite all the people around me that are there to help me I still feel like I have no choice but to go through the next chapter in my life, on my own. I’m lonely and I think that I’m supposed to be.

I’m just pissed because someone that is supposed to be there is leaving me in the background to do things on my own and its not right. Would I be pissed if it were anyone but her?? No, I wouldn’t. But it is her and I am mad and angry and she knows it. Or maybe I’m just overly sensitive because I’m going thru a lot right now. Who knows, I just know that right now I wanna be mad so I’ll be mad for as long as I feel like being mad.

((it’s not about me…or you))

I realized in the past month that there a lot of people that I dont like [in my church]. Now, let me break it down for you all. It pretty much falls into two categories… 1st there are the people that I just dont like && then there are the people that I dont like IN MINISTRY.

I have noticed however, that the persons who I just dont like are far better off in my book than those that I dont like in ministry… here’s why. In ministry, to me, nothing else matters. When we all are working together with one particular thing in mind all personal issues go out the door. I can put aside any personal feelings for an individual and do whatever it is that I need to do. I am also a talker. Before I flat out say that I dont like a person I will go to them and just say straight up… look I dont like this, this and this about you. In return they will point out what they dont like about me… and we ACCEPT it. There have been times when I have told people that they dont have to like this about me I aint changing but there also times when I look at myself and  I will work towards changing for the better. But my main purpose is to come to some sort of middle ground where we know.. I dont like this about you, you dont like this about me, ok… I respect your opinion and you respect mines.. lets hug move on and do what we came here to do.

If I have a problem with someone I WILL NOT SIT BACK && DOGG THEM OUT JUST BECAUSE. AND I DEF WONT HAVE THEM WALKING AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT THE PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SILENCE KILLS.

Now, the persons that I dont like IN MINISTRY have it bad as far as I am concerned. I can talk to you all day long and you can be the coolest person in the world but if I feel as tho you are doing nothing to build up ministry but instead you are using titles for your own selfish gain… Oh buddy, you cut. In the past month or so ministry has become such a priority that personal things really dont matter. I dont care how cool you are, when it comes time to do the work of the Lord and you sitting around faking the funk… trust. I will call you out. Not because I dont like you as a person but because I have no respect for you period.

There are plenty people in my church that I dont really bump wit like that. There are alot of people that I have come to an understanding with. But even those persons that I’m not really cool with… keep my respect because when it comes down to ministry we put our whole selves into it. I used to be the type, if I dont like you, I wont sing with you, dance with you, sit with you, speak to you, nothing. But there cant be division in ministry. When there are so many people with so many agendas God cannot be pleased. I’m striving to please God and no I am not perfect but in Ministry, I am striving for perfection. When persons in leadership are not on one accord there is division. When persons in ministry cant put personal issues to the side there is a hex in the plan.

Yes, there are quit a few people that I cannot stand but no one would ever know it except for me and that person because when it comes time to do something in the house of GOD it aint about me or them but its about HIM!!

Tae’

I heart my besties

Posted in family, friends, life, love, Luvli Ladiez, people I love, seperation by Tanae' A. on July 5, 2007

I have yet to figure out why I have friends. Like really, why do I have friends. I just think that maybe I should not be allowed to have friends at all because I dont know how to properly deal with them. There are only two people in the entire world that I probably would never get tired of, well 3 but the last person I dont see too often. But still, I get really annoyed when people who I would say I’m friends with do something as simple as call me or wanna hang out. NO I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU AT ALL!! I dont think they get the fact that I dont EVER call them. Who knows. Maybe I’m just not a great big people person. But this really just started not to long ago. I used to always have a phone glued to my ear. I was always wanting to hang out with a lot of people or go somewhere. Now I get an attitude when more than two people want to go to the movies with me. I dont understand. The two most important friends that I have would have to be Yahs and MinZaj. They are my besties no matter what. I can deal with them all day everyday and never get tired of them. But everyone else just seems to irk me. I dont know why tho. Yesterday my entire day was spent with my besties until my other budd*y came along. He just seemed to irk the hell outta me last night tho. Like, why are you so damn annoying?? I dont know. It doesn’t matter who I become friends with or who I grow close to, after while I always revert back to the people that mean the most to me. We all tend to go our seperate ways from time to time. We meet new people or get other friends but for some reason it always ends up being us three peas in a lil tiny pod squished together like clay!! Thats why I love my besties… Plus they embrace my weirdness!

What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.

Tae’

The Worst Father’s Day Ever

I honestly dont think I’ve ever had a bad Father’s Day. Of course, I’ve never really had a father to celebrate but usually my days are spent with my family enjoying their company. Yesterday will be a day that I will never forget, just because it was that terrible.

It started off good. I went to church early to dance, went to sunday school, laughed a lil, got some breakfast, and chilled with my fam. As soon as the 10:45 service started we got word that some people close to us lost their grand-father and from there my day went down hill. I tried my best to be there for them all but it was extremely hard. We all decided to dance anyway and the rest of the church service was spent comforting them and making sure they were okay.

Everytime someone around me loses someone, I feel like I’m just that much closer to losing someone that I love. It scares me to think about death because I dont think I would be able to deal with that type of loss. I think now more than ever, I have the urge to be with my family as much as I possibly can because you never know when some one will be taken from you.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day that I can remember not being surrounded by all of my aunts uncles and cousins. We went to dinner, just my sister and my mom, and then we went home. It saddens me because I see things changing in my family and I dont want to accept the change. We no longer get together on holidays like we used to. We no longer do something as simple as Sunday dinner like we used to. I just have the feeling that it’s gonna take something terrible in order to get us all back together. We are moving away from each other physically and I have a problem with it. My cousins moved to PA a few months ago. My brother moved to South Carolina in January. My aunt, uncle and cousins just moved to Chicago last week. My Uncle has lived in Atlanta since I can remember, my grandfather is in Ohio. And my other uncle is moving back to Alberquerque, New Mexico in less than two months. What is happening to my family?? Why are we seperating ourselves??

My prayers go out to Mama Na and the entire family. Be strong honeys God is with you and so are we…