a breath of fresh air

Posted in G-D, men, poetry by Tanae' A. on March 4, 2008
It was December of 05 when me and my honey first got together. At the time, I was this lil bad girl doing everything that I shouldnt be doing and he was this sheltered good boy. We came from two different backgrounds and because of that I thought that he was somehow better than me. I felt as tho I didnt deserve him and for a long time I wouldn’t get with him because of that. Needless to say, over the past three years our roles have switched. Im the good girl now and he’s the bad boy. Now, I’m like what the hell was I thinking lolzz.
A lil while ago I met my bae. He came out of the blue and just completely swept me off my feet. For a split second tho, I thought who am I to deserve him. The thought only lasted a second and then I came back to earth and realized that I do deserve someone that good because I am that good. He’s a good guy, really. Not perfect, but good. Keeps God first in everything. Writes poetry that is out of this world and is just genuine and real. Sometimes I do think about what I did to deserve something this good but then I remember that I’m something good too. He’s my breath of fresh air and for once I have noo expectations… I just wanna inhale lol.

giving of myself

Posted in frustrations, poetry, relationships, right vs. wrong, thoughts by Tanae' A. on November 20, 2007

A lot of times it is extremely hard for me to be this really open person. Most times I keep my feelings to myself because thats where they’re most safe. No one can ignore or dismiss my feelings when they aren’t made public therefore I prefer to keep them to myself. My feelings and emotions go into my writing. My poems capture every emotion that I feel and that has become my outlet over the years. I dont confide in people. I am easily hurt and usually the hurt that I feel comes off as anger. So when someone comes along and aint really digging the way I am…I say oh well. This is me, what you see is what you get. This secretive withdrawn person. I push people away with my attitude and I keep myself guarded at all times because the second you give someone your everything you will get hurt. I learned that the hard way. No, I’m not bitter I just know better than to make the same mistake more than once. Thats why I dont really understand why I am willing to compromise right now. For some reason I have gotten to a point where I am trying to give more of myself in order to move further and this for me is like super hard to do but I am really trying. I just wish that the one person that mattered right now could see my effort and appreciate it for what it is… stop concentrating on what is so wrong and try to look at what im struggling to do right.


if I had things my way

So, a lot of times I seem to get lost in my own thoughts. Well today I was just thinking, if I had everything in my life the way I wanted it to be how would it go?? Well, this is what I came up with.


For starters, I would not change anything that happened before Dec 2005. And really I wouldn’t change to much that happened after Dec. 2005 either, so here’s what I would change. I would change the fact that I ever became friends with, dated, or fell in love with James. Thats it. How lovely. Now let me explain before someone gets the wrong idea. If I had my way, I would take all of those happenings out of Dec 2005 and graciously move them to Dec. 2009. And you all are wondering why… the reason is quite simple really, in 2009 there will be no school. He would be completely through with school. So it would save me a lot of heartache and headache and I would be actually happy with him. And simply because James would not be in the picture I would have the opportunity to take things a lil further with this other dude without feeling completely bad about it. But since I cant change the past… this is what I would have happen in the future.


I think, well I know, that the first three things that I would have happen if I had my way is… 1. I would get a big fat check somewhere in the mail and I would use that to pay off the one bill that I have left, register for college and purchase the car that I have to wait until february to get. 2. I would have all of my poems somewhat close to being published and 3. I would give the youth ministry cpr and miraculously bring it back to life so that I can deal with all the stresses of keeping it well and kicking.


After that, I would go back to school, get a promotion [maybe that is asking a bit to much but that is what i would have happen], make enough money to make sure that my mother wasn’t struggling, fix up the big house from top to bottom and move out of my mom’s house… all in a year. And in 2009 I would be ready to transfer to a university [because i would have worked just that hard to get a two year program completed in one], I would have ridded my life of all the people that were nothing but distractions [all of whom are of the male sex for some reason, but that is neither here nor there], I would have started from scratch a healthy relationship with my honey, and I would be well on my way to success because by the middle of 2009 I would be expecting my 2nd promotion which includes a darn good raise and some major benefits, and I would be able to take a vacation to wherever I want and not have to worry about money, and I would be able to send my mother on a vacation to anywhere that she wanted to go for however long she wanted to go and there would be nothing she had to worry about except what she’s going to pack.


By the time 2013 hit I would plan to be married with two kids with a good paying job that allows me to spend time with my children and still be able to live comfortably. I want a nice house with a big back yard and front yard. I want two dogs, one for me and one for him. I want a playground in the back. I want one of those couch looking things that swing on my front porch and I want my own private bathroom in my room. I want a family day once a month to talk and eat and laugh and play with my kids and my husband. I want my mom to be happy and financially stable. By then I would have moved my NaNa somewhere, anywhere and I would be taking care of all her expenses. I would be making sure that my lil cousins are in college and doing their best and I will have coffee and bagels every saturday morning with my besties. And a girls night once a month and we’ll stay in and have drinks and lay around with our phones turned off and we’ll talk like we were back in high school, about boys and issues and there would be no thoughts of family or money or men or house cleaning or washing clothes or none of the other grown up stuff that we have to do every other day of our lives. I would go on a vacation once every three months, just me and my honey, and we would enjoy each others company and just have fun like back when we were dating. And last but not least… I would be happy. I would have a family and an education and a job and some damn good friends and I would be happy. I would want to wake up every morning and I would have a smile on my face every night and I would be happy.


If I could plan my life, thats what I would do. All those simple things is what I would expect. And sure, there would be some issues in between but I would be content with the smile that I had shining every single day. I would be blessed beyond abundance and joyful just because I am alive and surrounded by all the people I love the most.


Thats how my life would go if I had things my way…

Just not meant to be…

Posted in frustrations, mommy, poetry by Tanae' A. on September 4, 2007

On Saturday evening, I was laying down with my sister taking a much needed nap. About as soon as I really went to sleep, my mother comes into my room and hands me two envelopes in exchange for her phone. In my half-sleepedness [not a word] I took a quick look at the mail && just as I was about to toss them on the floor I noticed the return address on one of them. It was from Writers Lair Books. I quickly managed to get up for a second as I opened this envelope and quickly pulled the neatly folded letter from inside. I read the contents and then threw it onto the floor along with the other envelope that would be going into the trash as soon as I found the energy to get up out of my very comfortable bed. Why was this envelope going in the trash?? Because it said the one thing that I didn’t want it to say. I returned back to my lovely nap and when I woke up about an hour later I re-read the letter just to make sure I was not dreaming. And there it was on black and white, this was not a dream. At the bottom of the letter that no longer had any value was the sentence… “If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to call us at 555.5555 or email us at thewebaddress@whatever.com.” I wanted to call them, her, the editor, whoever and ask her what was really the deal. They typed up some very professional excuse that pretty much says to me… “uummm, sorry boo boo you just aint good enough yet”

I’m not necessarily mad, i’m just a tad bit pissed off because I’ve been waiting forever and this is the response that I get. Someone should have told me 6 months ago that I wasn’t good enough and maybe then I wouldn’t have had high hopes. But instead I chose to listen to my mommy who always tells me that no news is good news. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Maybe some things are just not meant to be…

Thank you, Writer’s Lair for taking time out to read my work…


I finally did it

Posted in poetry, spoken word by Tanae' A. on July 31, 2007

So Thursday I found out about this Soul Renaissance thing that goes on every Fourth Friday at Heart of God Ministries. I knew when I saw the flyer that this was something that I really wanted to go to but I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to participate or not. By the time Thursday night came along I decided that I might just take a leap and actually participate in the open mic session. Well, I was nervous as all hell all day long friday and when I got home I was really second guessing myself. We ended up going and got there on time. Of course, they didnt start til almost 9 and we were sitting around. I was so darg on nervous that I ended up having to pee like 500 times before they even started but I got up there and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Once I got finished it was like a breathe of fresh air cause I was finally done. It was a very nice setting and everyone there was so nice and inviting… maybe thats why it was soo chill for me. I promised my older sister that sooner or later I would go to her lil spot one wednesday and do something but for now I’ll settle for the once a month thing… I’m def. going back on August 24th.

If you want more info about this event feel free to contact me and I’ll see what I can do!! LoL!!


Just hop up there already…

Posted in Indi*poo, poetry by Tanae' A. on July 20, 2007

My sister and her homegirls go to this poetry joint a lot on Wednesday evenings and she has been pushing me a lot to go with them. I told her that one day soon, me and her could take a ride up there and just chill out but I also made a promise to myself. If I go once and I enjoy myself and the environment, I will go again but the second time I will hop up on the stage and share some of my talent. I dont think I’m really nervous… yes I am. I dont even like sharing my poetry with my friends on a chill Friday night so I know I am going to be really reluctant to share in front of a bunch of people. I think it will be like anything else in the world. The first time is always the hardest then if it’s in ya blood it comes naturally.

Lets see what happens and where we go from here. I’m excited… a lil bit.

spoken word

Posted in morning, poetry, spoken word by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

I have always been a fan of spoken word… I get this feeling in me when I hear people belt out these stanzas with so much emotion. It’s invigorating… But I have never ever wanted to be on anyone’s stage until this morning. I was in my kitchen making a cheeseburger [yes i do eat cheeseburgers at 8 in the morning when i should be on the bus] when this idea came to my head. The words to this poem just jumped in my head like juju beans and it’s not the type of poem that you want someone to read from a computer screen. So if my ideas form correctly onto this paper I guess I’ll do my first spoken word piece very soon.

Who knows?? Am I really spoken word material??