hurt by your actions

Posted in actions, frustrations, hurt, life, pain, people I love, sisters, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 9, 2008
life sometimes is complicated and that is something that i have learned to understand and accept. i know that every once in a while life throws us a curve ball and we just have to roll with the punches. but that doesn’t change the fact that even when life moves you, there are still the same people here where you came from. someone that i look to as a sister was going thru some stuff about 6 or 7 months ago but i didn’t know what was going on til about 3 months after the fact. one day we were hanging out together and then the next day she was gone. just like that. she didn’t say goodbye, didn’t say she was leaving, and she didn’t say that she would be back. but me being who i am i’m gonna do what it takes to make sure that you okay so about 3 weeks after not hearing from her at all i starts blowing up her phone. i mean, im callin everyday like 3 times a day leaving messages and all but she never answered. eventually i started shooting her emails and junk and still she never responded. soon her phone was disconnected and i was really worried then til i found out from one of her friends what was really going on. some things had happened that kinda threw her off track and so she went somewhere to get her self together. that was understandable. once i found out about what was going on i could actually breathe easy for a while. a lil while after i found out what had happened i decided to shoot her another email and since then we have been in some type of communication. it wasn’t until yesterday that i really talked to her for the first time since she left. she emailed me and told me that her cell was back on and that her number was the same so i decided i might as well give her a call. so we ended up talking for a while and she told me that she was in another state and doing well. she had a new job, got a new house and was kinda settled in about 2 months ago. while i was happy to hear that she was back on her feet and doing well I was a lil angry with her. for as far back as i can remember, me and her have been cool and since then there hasn’t been a week that we dont see each other or talk over the phone. thats why when she just disappeared i thought it was kinda freaky but i couldn’t be upset about life throwing a hex in her plan. i cant even be mad at the fact that she didn’t come back to these parts because i know how life can be. but what i am angry about, is the fact that even after everything is said and done she didn’t even have the audacity to call. she told me when i called her that her phone had been on for over a month but yet she never called or anything. thru all the emails that we have sent one another she never told me that she was okay and back on her feet. she never told me that she wasn’t coming back to baltimore at all and im upset about it. i would think that when someone is that close to you you would at least call and just to let them know that you are okay but i guess not. even tho i am a lil angry upset and hurt i am still happy that everything worked out for her and she is doing okay. regardless of where she is or where life takes us she will always be a sister to me and i will always have love for her. i just had to get that off my chest real quick lolzz…
[[im oh so 08]]

inspired by a life…

Posted in crying, death, faith, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain by Tanae' A. on January 7, 2008

It is always hard to deal with death but for me it is like the ultimate struggle. No matter who it is that we are saying goodbye to, I always find it extra hard to deal with. Death is truely something that i despise with like everything in me and but this time around I’m not angry. Its almost like the famous words “death where is your sting?” Usually, the death of someone can send me for a loop and altho I am really saddened right now I’m also happy. Cornell was a great guy whome I loved dearly. He was always smiling and laughing and he never complained. He showed up and pressed his way thru every obstacle and he had faith that allowed him to praise in the midst of his pain. I remember those sundays when me and Shay would come strutting in and he would give us a wink from the piano and ask if we were okay… he was always so happy. Im gonna miss him and it sucks cause I never thought in a million years that I would never see him again. I just knew that sooner rather than later I would see him make his way into that sanctuary and lead that choir like he always does. I just knew that I would be able to see him and hug him and tell him how much I love him just one more time… but that time never came. It’s sad and it hurts to know that I will never be able to see him again but inside my heart is rejoicing because I know that finally he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Finally he is at rest and I know that he is somewhere in the heavens singing his lil heart out. Oh God, I’m going to miss that voice of his. There will never be another Cornell. There will never be another person that inspires me the way he does. I looked at him with so much admiration because it was amazing to me how someone can go thru so much but still have this smile on their face and this aura about him. There was something about Cornell that you just couldn’t help but love and it was like everytime I saw him I just couldn’t complain about anything because its people like him that make my situations look small. Its people like him that teach me to appreciate life and its people like him that cause me to have faith. Because I know that if even thru everything that he went thru he can trust in God and still praise God and still do the work of the Lord then I know that the same God that kept that smile on his face can keep a smile on mine as well. I will never ever forget him, I love him and I am so blessed to have known someone like him. I thank God for his life.

[[R.I.P Cornell]]

watch over us from your seat up in heaven

Lawd… not another birthday

Posted in beauty, birthdays, celebrations, complaining, get ya mind right, help me!!, issues, life, pain by Tanae' A. on November 8, 2007

In exactly seven days I will be celebrating my birthday. YaY me!! NOT!! On Nov. 1st I was a lil bit excited. Actually, the whole first week of Nov. I was excited, but now, I could care less. I think the entire incident with my NanaBoo kinda threw a lil hex in my excitement. But anyways, I am going to get excited very soon so that I can actually have a good weekend. But I am not looking forward to the day AFTER my birthday… why?? BECAUSE I’LL BE TWENTY!! I feel like every year I just keep getting older and older and its like I am finally not a teenager anymore and it’s depressing!! LoL!! I dont want to reach twenty, you can keep ya 21 party and please prolong 25 for as long as possible…i want to remain a teenager!! I dont really have a problem with growing up I just have a problem with getting old. I mean, I be having back aches, pains in my knees… my legs be falling asleep. By the time I hit 30 I’ll be frickin gray with atheritis all up and down my bones… I’m not ready for that yet. I gosta keep it young and on point. I mean, I do have a few good genes in the fam cause God knows my NanaBoo look good for 76 but I aint trying to be bent over backwards with cramps and muscle aches!! I wanna be 56 and still looking and FEELING great. Maybe I’m thinking too ahead of time but when I see 20 my mind thinks 50… cause thats how fast its gonna come. So I think I’ll start trying to take care of myself now so I wont have to pay later. Maybe if I start trying to eat healthy and exercise more than I wont have so many problems in ten maybe fifteen years.

Let’s pray that I can keep up cause I am the QUEEN on unhealthy!! LoL!!


saying goodbye

Tomorrow morning sad and hurting hearts will gather to say goodbye to Ms. Sarah. They will come together to support one another and to pay their last respects to a lady that will not be forgotten. I wish I could go but unfortunately I have to work but my sister and bestie are all going to support the family, especially Victoria. I think goodbye is one of the hardest things that we can say to someone and this week I know that lots have struggled with having to say those two simple words. I am happy tho, and I feel very blessed to know that I am apart of a supporting church family that comes together no matter what happens to support one another. I am happy that so many of Shiloh’s members have gathered in that house that I have walked past so many times. They have gone to support a family that is pained by a loss. I know that tomorrow will be hard day for them and my prayers are def. wit them all day long. I just hope and pray that even after tomorrow, they remember that God is there to comfort them and that she is there watching over them all but more importantly she is in their hearts.

Good bye Ms. Sarah… watch over us all

R.I.P Brielle… && thank you for strengthening the gurls. They miss you terribly but they are doing so good and they are growing and realizing that life is worth living. Thank you especially for watching and keeping Lucy, you have somehow managed to give her some type of direction and I know that you are proud of her. She is a beautiful girl and she is learning to be as strong as you were. One Love.

Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah

Posted in blessings, crying, death, hurt, life && death, lost one, pain, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

I remember it almost like it was yesterday. It was hot outside but I still walked across that road to get to this house. To this day, I do not remember what I was going to get but I know that whatever it was, I had to wait for it. I knocked on the screen door and peeked inside to see if anyone was there. Then she came, with this great big smile and her lovely voice, she told me to come in and sit down in the big chair. Because the big chair was for guests. We sat there for at least 15 minutes not talking about anything in particular. I liked this lady, she was sweet and sincere and genuine. She had love in her eyes and she still had a sway in her lil walk. The house smelled fresh, like she had just cleaned but it wasn’t the least bit stuffy. She got up from her chair, went into the kitchen and got whatever it was that I went there for. She handed it to me with a smile on her face and just like my grandmother would do, she held my hand as I walked to the door. She stood there, I walked across the street and half way across the parking lot and she was still there with that smile on her face. I turned around and waved at her and she yelled out the door… “you better come back and see me, ya hear”

She had the kindest heart in america. I remember so many times after that, I would walk by that door and she would yell out, telling me to put on my coat or zippen up my jacket, or be careful crossing that road. Ms. Sarah will always be remembered. She will always be loved and her smile is one that I will never forget. I know that she is in heaven smiling down and right now I wish that she would just hold Vicky-T and comfort her through this.

My prayers are with their entire family, I know that this is a hard time for them.

Rest In Peace Ms. Sarah… I know you’re with God up in heaven

This Fire Down In My Soul

Posted in books, hurt, pain by Tanae' A. on September 21, 2007

Last night, I finally finished a book that my co-worker gave to me to read on Wednesday [This Fire Down In My Soul by J.D. Mason]. She talked for weeks about how good this book was and how I absolutely needed to read it. At first, when I started reading it I didn’t think it was all that good but the more I read, the more I liked it. I was so anxious to get to the end and see what was going to happen but when I finally got to the last page, I wished I would have never read it at all. It was said, it caused me to lose all hope and it really just put me in a bad mood. The book was very well written, the author took me on a trip that allowed me to walk in the shoes of every single woman characterized. One was desperate, on was greedy, and one was hopeful or hopeless [depends on how you look at it], and the last one was naive but they were all vulnerable. They all wanted so much but got nothing in the end. One lady put her everything into a relationship that she got nothing out of. She put her dreams, goals, and feelings on the back burner for her husbanad a sons and at the end of the day she had nothing. She didn’t have any work experience to go out and get a job. She didn’t have a husband to come home to because he was in love with another woman. She didn’t even have her kids because they had grown up, moved out, and moved on with their lives. She was lonely. Eventually she moved on as well, got a man who paid attention to her and in the process her husband divorced her and kids acted like she never existed. Another woman was so desperate to find love and eventually she did. She found the perfect man, someone who loved her and wanted to be with her but he was torn between his lover and his wife. When she found out she was pregnant she thought that they would finally be together but it made him realize that he had a great woman at home that he didn’t wanted to lose. She lost the love of her life and the baby that she would have brought into this world. This guys wife worked hard, took care of their kids, and made sure the the house was clean and dinner was cooked when he got into the house but somewhere along the line their sparks died out. He cheated and she never knew but at the end of the day he chose her over his pregnant lover and I guess they were happy. They did what they could to make their relationship work and they worked hard to stay together and they did. Then theres the interior decorator. She came into this couples house to decorate and she ended up listening to another womans story of how her life had been a mess since her husband was promoted and forced them to move. Instead of being a friend and being there for the woman she went out and had her own private affair with her husband. Eventually she lost a friend and a good man and she never heard from them again. The couple got a divorce and moved away from one another. Last, but not least, there’s the good ol preachers wife. She counseled all the women at her church. She listened to their problems and she judged them. She looked down on them but her husband, the pastor of their church, was having a affair with a member there. But still, she felt better than every single women that walked into her office. Her husband went to jail for the murder of his lover who threatened to leave him and his wide filed for a divorce. All these woman wanted nothing more than to be appreciated, loved, and cherished by the men that they had loved, cared for and supported for so long but they all got nothing. They all walked away empty handed and nothing to show for their time spent. The only one who may have had something to live for was Tess. She stuck by her husbands side but she was too blind to see that he was sleeping with another woman who came so close to having his baby. She walked away with her husband  and a marriage that had the potential to work but what does that amount to. She got what she wanted but that only left another sad lonely woman without.

I heard the author of this book has plenty of other books that are really good, but I will never pick up another book that she has written because this book really put me down in the dumps. I dont understand how someone can write something so sad. I really got the end thinking that things would work out for all these women, at lest most of them. But it didn’t. They all lost and reality is… I feel just like them… empty and lost with nothing show except for the work that i put in and the tears i’ve put out.

im thru.

Posted in decisions, freedom, him, hurt, lost one, love, moving on, pain, people I love, relationships, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 20, 2007

sometimes walking away is the best thing that we can do… for ourselves.

…its time to focus on me and stop worrying about him… finally im free.

I Dont Know What to Expect

Posted in crying, death, events, funeral home, good times, life && death, lost one, love, pain by Tanae' A. on September 6, 2007

Tomorrow everyone will gather to view the body of Brielle. Am I looking forward to this?? Not at all. I am in no rush to see her friends and family, I am not anxious to shed tears over another angel taken from us. But I feel like this is something that we all must handle together. I will be there, to show my support, to offer a hug, and even a shoulder to cry on because you can never have too many people in your corner. I will be there for Tynekua, Ryiesha, Vanita, Madison, Jasmine, Martierra, Jessica, Monique, and all the other people that are hurting. I will be there to cry with them, laugh with them, and remember the good times with them and it will be extremely hard. I dont think anyone can ever prepare themselves for something like this but this is what life requires from us all. I am even less excited about attending the funeral that will take place on Saturday Morning. I am scared that I wont be strong enough to help all the people around me that are weak. This has been a very troubling and emotional last few days because it still so hard to believe that such a young exuberant life has been taken from us in such a tragic way. And even as we mourn over our loss, I cant help but to think that Brielle is watching over, not only her family and friends, but she’s watching over the young lady who was driving that is still in a coma. She is being a guardian angel for her and bring comfort and strength to her family. Her mother, Tionne, and Mel. I know she is. Tomorrow & Saturday, we gather to reminisce over the good times and we gather to say farewell to such a wonderful person and we all know that we will see her again when it’s our time to go.

R.I.P Brielle… it’s still hard to believe that you are gone

continue to watch over us all and strengthen ya lovies in their time of weakness


The Good Die Young

Posted in community, death, friends, hurt, life && death, lost one, love, pain, school, seperation by Tanae' A. on September 4, 2007

It’s crazy how someone can be here one day and gone the next. You never even think that someone could just be gone in an instant. I just got word that someone I went to school with died yesterday in a car accident. I didn’t know her that well but I know that she was a sweet gurl and she had tons of friends in the area. I know that she was going to school and actually trying to make something of herself. I know that no one even thought for a second that yesterday would be her last day on this earth. She was on her way back to school when the driver of the vehicle fell asleep at the wheel. I’m praying for her family and all her close friends. The community will be greatly affected by this tragedy… so many people loved her and clung to her great and wonderful personality. This will be a hard pill to swallow… just keep all of T.S. in your prayers… cause God knows, we all will miss her and that big bright smile that she carries.

RIP Brielle Newland, I didn’t know you that well but you will forever be missed. Watch over all of us from your seat up in heaven…

To the Fab 8::…

keep yall heads up, yall can get thru this, I know yall loved her.

Here one day, gone the next

I really just dont understand… I just saw this chick like two days ago. She was fine. Nothing was wrong with her. She was happy-go-lucky like she always is. And then we get that phone call saying that we’ll never see her again. It’s still like ‘Damn’ what happened?? Just the other day everything was cool. I just now spent the whole weekend with her and no one ever even stopped to think that come Monday morning she’d be gone from our lives. I just cant come to grips with the fact that we’ll never see her again. She wont be around anymore when we have those huge cookouts. And she wont be there when the computer needs to be put together. She wont be around to ask to see my glasses that I so graciously wear in the house. I’m really gonna miss this chick. Im still not understanding. How can someone be perfectly fine one day and then gone the next?? Humph… I guess this just goes to show how short life really is. Cherish the people in your life no matter if they mean the world to you or not… cherish them cause you never ever know when you’ll have to say goodbye.

R.I.P Tawana… you will forever be missed

your memory will forever linger on

I can see you now… just dancing in heaven

watch over all of us… especially Sherri… I know you loved her