things really do get better…i guess
yesterday I was talking to Silk Rayon and I told her that every day gets worse. for a while that was true. but, today its not. today is better. today I woke up at 6:30…just because I wanted to. I was at work on time which shocked EVERYBODY lol. the sun is shining bright… the bus was on time… it wasn’t too hot. it is just a better ok day. im smiling, laughing, talking to my friends, making jokes and loving it. yes, today is an okay today. secret:: I have a friend. like a friend friend. ok, dont shake your head just yet. we were friends before this entire fiasco even began but I brushed him off because of the idiot in ohio. he’s…nice. we are JUST FRIENDS for all of you concerned individuals. no dating, no late night rendezvous, no extreme crushing yet…just a nice guy to talk to a few days out of the week. and I’m not even totally comfy with that because I dont want to use him as a crutch or a rebound. but, I’m slowly moving FORWARD with my life and leaving JHW II in the past so once I get over that its nice to know that I’ll have someone there. tomorrow marks the weekend and I’m acting out for a while. not totally, completely acting out…im still holding on to my save I just need to let off some steam. so, me and the goone’s are hanging and I’m gonna let all my cares go for just one night. should be fun. I’m feeling good today, feeling better today. maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe not but for right now I’m ok. it’ll get better with time I suppose, my heart is slowly healing and I’m moving on…for good. no lie this time lolzz.
i am a liar ~ yes me, a big ol’ fat LIAR!!!
in the past two years and some change, I have said that I do not care about James Harrison Wells II about five hundred and thirty seven THOUSAND times. well, I’m a liar!! I say that things dont affect me, I’m over him, his stupid lil girlfriend doesnt bother me, he doesn’t even matter to me anymore…LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. I figured that maybe if I tell myself that I dont care, eventually I’ll really stop caring. well, that hasnt happened yet. I know, I know, you all are tired of reading about him and honestly im tired of thinking about him but i just cant help it. I cant get this fool out of my system. Bottom line, I love that idiot. and maybe that makes me a fool. Go ahead, shake your head, tell me how stupid I am. I DO NOT CARE!! I LOVE HIM!! Thru all the bullshit, the betrayal, the lies, the cheating, the fights, the bad times…yes, I still love him. And its not even about the good times fareal, I barely even think about that anymore, it was what it was I just cant get him out of my fricking heart. Its like…sickening. really it is. ok, I am no fan of LOVE…HATE IT!!! seriously. you can keep your story book romance, keep your mushy tears and your little fairy tale ending but its like all that doesnt matter when I see his face. I can be pissed, cause God knows that right now I could kill him but everytime I see his face and that stupid lil smile something in my heart melts, I get butterflies and junk all up in my stomach lol. So for everytime that I have ever said that I dont care or that I am walking away, I was lying. I love him way too much to ever walk away from him. But this time…I think im a lil bit serious. Right now, at this very moment, i’m gonna walk away. There’s no telling what will happen tomorrow or next week but for right now, today, im saying goodbye to him. Maybe he will gain some sense in the very near future and pay attention to WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING but until then im walking away and this is my final goodbye. Go ahead and call my bluff right now if you chose to…yes, Jesus knows im lying. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM WHEN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER HATE HIM?? They say hate is love in its very worst form… I would hate him forever if it meant that i have some type of love for him somewhere in my heart. But, i’ll leave this earth with his name engraved on my soul… and THAT is not a lie. Truth is: I’ll NEVER stop loving that dude…EVER
shawty pimpin with 2 fish && 5 loaves of bread
Breaking News::
JHW II has a girlfriend!! Yes people, it is official there is no more ‘us’ so as of today Tanae’ is thru with that story and now a new book begins. Wish him and the new beau well. She must be some kinda special if he is into making public announcements and what not. Welp, sucks for me right?? ok. now back to our regularly scheduled program.
Today is the day people… it’s pimpin, pimpin!! Yessir, you guessed it correct…ii am going to see my future baby daddy and ii cannot wait. and for all of you that are interested in the rest of my weekend….it goes as follows::
Right after ii leave the office ii will be going to the shop to check on my baby [[car]] and pick up some paper work so that ii can get my insurance tomorrow. after that ii will be meeting the besties at the crib to change clothes and head out for the night. tomorrow, there is a bunch of stuff on my list of things to do but most of it includes spending money for car stuff and uummm, thats about it lol. Of course, going to the bestie’s house Friday night…DuH. EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY EARLY saturday morning ii will be getting up to go on a rinky dink fishing trip with the youth. ii emphasize early because we have to be there at 6:30 and last time ii checked 6:30 dont have an a.m. so not only do ii have to go fishing which is so not normal in my world…but ii also have to wake up before the damn birds and get to the church. so not excited about that. maybe ii would be a lil enthused if they was frying the fish that ii caught…now that is spoken by a true black person lolzz. THEN ii have to turn around EARLY sunday morning to dance to this ol stupid dance that will have me out of breathe by the time we get down the daggone aisle. good thing there is no evening service…i meant to thank the Bishop personally for putting a stop to that lolzz… monday, its back to the drawing board. back here at work and back here on the blog. you might hear from me before monday morning but ii doubt it very seriously.
and please please pray for my brother/cousin…he is in another state making a fool of himself…Jesus please give that boy a brain asap. ii gosta go yall…muh baby daddy is calling me lmao
im excited about this crap…
today my big sis In and my nephew will be moving out. a town home not far from my house is calling their name and i secretly want them to stay…but this means good shit for me lol.
i can finally move out of my hole in the wall and into a SPACIOUS area. and i am syked because i bought a BIG bed today and a dresser that is soo nice. im getting the other dresser, night stand and wardrobe soon as i get some more money but i see change and i am excited about it.
and, hold up, biggest hype of all….I GET TO PAINT!!! YaY for me lol. I actually decide that I am going to paint two of my walls a pale green which is so hott. the gay dude on flip that house told me that when you do that it makes the room look more spacious. awesome right!! lol. i know.
and easter is right around the corner and i am excited about the next three weekends. this weekend im moving so thats the plus about today. next weekend is easter, im going to see Meet The Browns on friday [still skeptical about the same ol same ol good friday service] saturday we are going out for mommy’s birthday and sunday is easter and dinner at the crib. the weekend after that shay and jazzy are going to the bahamas..ooohhh. and my LeyLey is coming to stay with me. we are going to the aquarium on saturday and im sending my mommy to see the Marriage Counselor on sunday. the first weekend in april we are having a girls night just like the old days. all the chicks are gonna be in bmore so we back like the 80’s, dont get it twisted. lmao.
oh and im gettin my hair and nails did tomorrow… no, there’s not a dude, im doing it for me. cause sometimes a chick needs to spoil herself.
why is that gurl so excited??
Hello everyone!! First of all let me say happy Friday… you all made it thru an entire week in one piece, good bad or indifferent…it is now over so you have a reason to smile. I have two and a half reasons to smile right now and the fact that it is Friday is only the half lolzz…
As most of you know… I have no life. My entire existence is wrapped around work, church and besties and other than that there is nothing else lol. Anyways, on saturday me Shay and LeyLey are going to Mal’s house for a lil get together and I am so excited. I am happy just to be able to chill and hang with new people and play cards all night long. Maybe no one knows how exciting it is to just be in a new environment but I am so super excited about it and thats one of my smiles. Second smile is cut in half so the first half is because I get to spend time with my LeyLey on Saturday and I haven’t seen my darling friend in a while. Second part is because I get to hang with my bae next week. We are going out next Saturday with some other peoples and I am so excited because both our schedules been crazy hectic and I aint had time to hang with him lately.
Prayer Request:: everyone please pray for my big sis Indi*Poo and lil BingBing. He is going to his first day of daycare on Monday and I am happy for him but all of me is so scared cause we wont be there. I hope he likes it and has fun, we’ll see how he does. Indi is going to moving soon and I am so excited but I am also a lil sad cause I am going to miss her and my nephew so much when they are no longer there. I guess I can go visit them and everything but ish wont be the same in the house. Just pray that everything works out okay.
the way things are…
Let me get this out the way first::
I was reading my posts from yesterday and I realized that there are like fifteen people with all the same names so I need distinguish that millions lol
Yesterday I was thinking about a lot of things and started making plans to actually take a huge step towards I dont know what. I think that t he past week has been so frustrating to me because I feel as tho there are people who dont take time to appreciate now acknowledge the fact that I do more than required. The people that are standing in this circle would look at what is going on and think nothing of it. It doesn’t matter to them and therefore no one is really standing up in my defense or understanding why I’m so effin pissed about it all. At first I thought I was over reacting but every single person that I mentioned it to outside of my family circle has been blown away. Do I think that I am giving or doing too much?? Not at all but I dont want to feel like Im obligated to do anything. There are, however, too many people telling me that I am giving out too much and its not really worth it. Now, I’m stuck right here trying to figure out what decision is best. And of course, I am thinking about everyone’s feelings besides my own. I promised my ShinkButt that I wouldn’t do anything without her. Now, I’m trying to make that move based on my own selfishness and I know that she would be pissed and I would feel so bad. I dont know. I dont think I really have a choice tho, either I keep things how they are and deal with it or I demand a change and deal with the consequences and accept the responsibility.
pissed…[[i hate dudes]]
for some reason i seem to attract a lot of guys that just get on my damn nerves. most of them have something to offer but i just cant stand any of them so i dont deal with them. the problem is, however, that most of them insist on trying to be something more than friends and it just doesn’t work. it actually annoys me and pisses me off. i’m very up front with them too, i let them know from the jump that we are strictly friends and will be nothing more. thats why i was so pissed about 7.5 minutes ago when this dude txted me. he decides to ask me if we can hang out this weekend and since i dont have any plans i said yeah most likely that’ll flyy. i asked him wat he wanted to do and was pissed by his response. first off, i dont carry myself like no fast ass hoe because i aint nothing close to it and i def aint never gave this dude no reason at all to think that i would ever go there wit him. so i cursed him out in a very nice way but that dont change the fact that im pissed. but i think im so mad because he aint the first dude to try some off the way type stuff. guys will be guys and guys try but i aint the type to take too much trying. just last week some other dude was hanging out then gonna ask me if he can leave my house go see some chick and then come back around 2am to “watch a movie”… what the hell do i look like?? resolved:: im thru with these dudes. aint none of em bout shit so there aint no point in wasting my time tryna be nice and remain friends. i try to be cordial and hold a convo every once in a while but i can see that some guys just aint used to a classy chick lolzz. i know a few that mite be more their type…haha
[[im oh so 08]]~sorry 4 the language
false hope
one thing that i learned growing up is to let go of false hope. as children we tend to hope for things that will never ever come to be and in the end it leaves us disappointed. but i guess somewhere along the line i kinda wised up and let that go. I no longer wish for things that are out of my reach and i especially dont hope for things that i know i’ll never have. If I dont take time out to actually try to get those things that are unattainable i wont be disappointed when i cant get them. somewhere between then and now I grew up a lil bit. While I have grabbed a small piece of that false hope back I really still remain at a reasonable distance. I find myself today hoping and wishing that i could somehow grab hold of the things that are slightly [not completely] out of my reach. needless to say, today i will go back into my childish state. I recently kinda took a big leap and attempted to go after something that i knew i couldn’t have. Maybe I was tripin when I decided to set the bar a bit too high and now I am disappointed. But for once, even tho I am somewhat disappointed in myself, I am moreso disappointed in the other ppl involved. Sometimes in this life we lower our standards and accept what we can get rather than what we deserve and when that happens we change as people. Im usually not one to criticize other people’s actions but stupid is stupid. I realized just now that I am better than the ppl involved simply because i refuse to meet them at the level that they are at. In order to get what I want I would have to lower my standards and i’ll be damned if i compromise my growth just for something that aint even a necessity. i have worked too hard to get to where i am and i aint even bout to trip up over something that just look good from the outside in. I’ll take my loses and let some people go but i’ll remember that im the winner because i walked away. Maybe i’ll give up on the false hope for a while but one thing that i wont give up on is ME
[[im oh so 08]]
farewell 2 my brother…
tomorrow my brother will be getting on a bus to go back to South Carolina. that means that today will be the last day that i get to spend with him for a while and i am a lil bit upset about it. i am going to miss him oh so much but i am really happy that he is making the decision that he’s making. i do think that he is doing what’s right but i want to keep him here for selfish reasons. well, i guess i’ll get used to it and i’ll be taking a trip down south soon and very soon to spend time with my brudder and best friend Dilly.
material things dont matter [this 1 is a lil angry, some1 pissed me off]
I dont want much out of life. I’m not a hard person to please and I’m def. not greedy when it comes to material things… now when it comes to food, give me all ya got!! LoL!! I appreciate the small things in life. I am fine with the little bit that I have and I dont want for nothing unless its something that I really need or something that I really really want, which is not too much. Maybe this is why I am so baffled by the comment that was made about me by a friend. We were sitting on the phone yesterday and he said that I dont want to be with him because I want too much out of life and he cant give me the material things. I was really wowed by that statement. I am not, nor do I act like, nor do I look like any type of gold digging hoe. As a matter of fact, I aint never asked him for nothing as far as money and materials are concerned. To be really real about it, I was the one that was kickin out some bucks cause as I recall I had to pay for his work boots and I had to put gas in his car and I had to get him something to eat when he sat at my house for hours on end… so who the heck is he to make a comment like that?? Sorry, but I’m pissed. I dont want no broke dude cause I feel like a man should be able to take care of his self but MONEY HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE!! All that I have ever asked of him as that he treat me with some respect, take care of his responsibilities, go to church every once in a while and not do anything to get on my bad side… last time I looked, money was not something that I needed. I have my own and if my money cant buy the things that I need then I obviously dont need it that bad. I dont want your gifts or your jewelry or your new outfit. You can forget about the coach bag and the Dolche and Gabanna shades, I’ll take the knockoff and still look flyy. Keep the lil flowers you bought me… I dont even like the smell of flowers. You what, to solve the whole issue, why dont you just take the boot thats kicking you out the door. I dont know what type of chicks he is used to dealing with but I aint the one. I dont need you to do nothing for me that I cant do for myself and your material things can be thrown away and destroyed so go somewhere with that idea… Maybe you’re better off with a label chick.
[{GRaViTY}] 
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