doing what you think you cant

Posted in love, Tae', [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on April 3, 2008
a lot of places that ii go, ii hear people talk about love. a simple four letter word that has so much meaning. love can work wonders but people never tell you that love can be aboused, misused or unappreciated. ii think, thats a lesson to be learned the hard way. ii learned my lesson on more than one occasion but ii always went back for more. unfortunately, love aint as powerful as some people would like to believe. anything that can be walked over, taken advantage of or pushed aside is not as great as we make it seem. but the great thing about love is that it cant be defeated. someone should’ve told me that the people who trust in it can be. on yesterday ii did something that ii am extremely proud of. for the past eight years my mom has been on a journey to kinda find herself, heal herself, forgive herself, make amends with the people that love her but most importantly she has been on a journey to loving herself. ii have watched her grow into this great person and not only has she grown but everyone around her has been impacted by the positivity that this journey has brought to her. on yesterday evening she spoke about forgiving self and loving self and putting self before other people. one thing that i know about my mom is that we are very alike in so many ways. we are both selfless and we both would do anything for the people that we care about. sometimes i am not grateful at all to have this trait of hers. but ii think ii learned a valuable lesson. so many times ii place people in front of me and a lot of times ii tell myself that im no longer doing that but ii end up in the same place that ii started at. ms. dee told me yesterday that when you get to a certain point you learn that ‘no’ is okay. [[well she wasnt really talking to just me but it felt like it]] but she said that ‘no’ is a statement and there is no shame in saying it. right after she said that ii ended a very tiring argument  with someone that ii love dearly and ii said my goodbyes. ii told this person that ii was thru, ii was thru giving my time and energy to someone who didnt appreciate nor deserve. a few hours later, ii told my honey that ii was thru. ii was thru being there for someone who doesnt even take the time to pick up a phone and make sure im okay. im done helping people that take me for granted whether they are friends or something more. im done doing nice things for people that are only out to get what they can from me. “no one wastes my time and/or energy without my permission” [[thanks Heb]] so yesterday, ii started loving me. to be honest, it hurt. it hurt like hell. people never think that its hard to love yourself but for me it was hard. im still learning how to do that. im still learning how to put me first. ii guess ii love me more and more each day but the problem was that for so long ii thought that if ii put so many people first. ii thought that if ii did all this stuff for other people and cared about all these people than at least one of them would do the same for me. ii learned the hard way that it doesnt work that way. right now im okay, im hurt and scared and afraid of whats to come but im still okay. id rather struggle trying to love myself than love someone who cant love me enough. ii think it would be different if they would’ve tried. maybe if they would’ve tried giving almost half of what they took then maybe ii would feel better. but they didnt, none of them cared enough to love me almost as much as ii loved them and so ii had to walk away.
can you imagine loving someone who cant even pick up a phone to call you?? can you imagine loving someone who only talks to you when its convenient for them?? can you imagine loving someone who is only interested in what you can give them?? can you imagine loving someone who, for some reason, decides to walk away right after you do something for them?? can you imagine loving someone who is so quick to ask you for something but never ever mentions paying you back, returning the favor, or even says a thankyou?? can you imagine loving someone who has a bitch fit when they dont get their way?? can you imagine loving someone who claims they love you but their actions dont even resemble love in the slightest bit??
so, Tanae’ is loving Tanae’ and everyone that doesnt love Tanae’ the way she deserves to be loved is on standby. and ii refuse to feel bad about that because for once im putting my own needs FIRST!!! and no matter how hard it is im gonna love me.

a feeling i’ve felt

Posted in acceptance, blessings, him, life, lost one, love, memories, relationships, Tae', thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 27, 2008
yesterday ii was thinking about my life and future and all the things that ii want to happen in my life. ii took time to think about the things that ii have had the opportunity to experience, live thru and struggle with. when ii thought about it ii realized that ii am blessed. not because ii made it to where ii am or because ii have so many great things to look forward to but ii am blessed simply because ii have had the opportunity to experience what some people never have the chance to live thru. one of my really good friends said to me yesterday that most of the people in the world are on a search for REAL LOVE… almost everyone is either on a quest to find love or looking for the love they let go. when she said that, ii couldnt help but wonder which one was better?? looking for a love that you’ve never had or looking for a love that you let go. well, ii fit into one of those categories and perhaps my opinion is slightly biased but ii would have to say it is much better to look for a love you lost.
let me explain::
ii know what it is to experience true love. ii know what that feels like. ii know what its like to have someone take complete control of your heart and soul. the love that ii had was real and no one can tell me any different. when he touched me, held me, talked to me, let me lay on his shoulder, played in my hair, laughed at my jokes, sung with me, wrote me love letters, looked in my eyes…it was real. when he said he loved me, it was real and ii never ever questioned that. ii had the chance to feel that feeling that most people search a lifetime for. so, yeah, ii would much rather live trying to get that feeling back than to live without knowing what that feels like. and even if ii never feel that love again ii know in my heart that God found enough favor in me to allow me to know what its like to love and be loved. and because of that, ii have no problems if ii never feel that feeling again.

ii miss him…

Posted in Easter/Passion Week, him, love, people I love, school, tomorrow, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 17, 2008
it’s almost easter and usually ii am excited about this time of the year. ii mean, ii am excited and over joyed because easter is my fav holiday just because of the sacrifice that was made on my behalf but, ii usually have more than one thing to celebrate. easter is one of those times when all the college kids come home for at least a week. the L will be home wednesday, KayBear is missing easter but she is coming next week and ii am excited to see both of them. but, my honey is not coming around. he decided to go out for spring break so him and his friends are somewhere having a great time and ii am secretly upset about it. ii was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him but my plans have gone down the drain. right now, ii miss him soo much. ii dunno, the semester will be over in a lil bit so perhaps thats something worth looking forward to but who knows. im just gonna try to enjoy this glorious PASSION WEEK and stay focused on the real meaning behind this time of celebration. tomorrow will take care of itself and maybe ill see him soon enough…until then, im missing my honey oh so much.

spring is in the air…

Posted in life, love, summer 2008, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 13, 2008
finally, finally, finally spring is in the air and summer is on its way. this year got off to a lil rocky start bbut ii think that overall its going to be awesome.
im trying to do big thingsthis year and everything is slowly coming together. the summer is going to be great and before i know it fall will be here, ill be back in school and then christmas shoppin chaos will come up again.
i am patiently waiting for 09 to roll around [[someof you know why]] but in the meantime im bettering myself. im focused on me and i pray everyday that God would guide me along.
shit aint always breezy but ii feel the sun on my face, feel the breeze in the air and ii see the sales in my favorite stores so there cant be too much wrong lol.
summer is [[ell oh vee ee]] lets go to starbucks

Happy V~Day!!

Posted in family, friends, good times, love by Tanae' A. on February 14, 2008
Wow!! It is really Valentine’s Day again this soon. So um, to all you people out there that are in those nice, healthy, long lasting relationships…I hope you enjoy your day with your significant others. To all those that are happily single I hope that you enjoy your day with yourself, friends or family. But to all you folks that are sulking and pouting all day because you dont have a significant other, you can do whatever you chose with your twenty-four hours.
I am actually enjoying my Valentine’s Day and here’s why. I truely forgot it was v~day and so I just put on this brown sweater that totally brings down the vibrant red that is floating all thru my office but… someone brought in heart shaped cupcakes, and someone else has been playing them good old love songs from back in the day, and all my lovies are sending me txts to let me know that I am loved.
The past few weeks have been rough but finally things are the way they are supposed to be. Things are back to normal and better than I could have ever imagined and I’m loving it. I could not ask for a better Valentine’s Day gift besides this. I dont need a dude to be all up on my bra strap in order for me to feel love cause I got it from my FRIENDS, my family and even those few people that are there just to make me smile. I gots so many txts at eight o clock this damn morning saying happy v~day that i felt like a P.I.M.P lolzz sike.
But dont forget that this day is meant for all relationships. Its the day to appreciate the people that you love and get chocolates from the people that love you. So enjoy it and make memories today. And if you’re still sulking and pouting about not having a significant other…well i think its time for you to go kick yourself lol




sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Posted in acceptance, drama, friends, hurt, life, love, people I love, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

im trying to trust Him…

Posted in emergencies, family, G-D, healing, help me!!, hospitals, hurt, love, people I love, when everything goes wrong by Tanae' A. on November 5, 2007

So, friday night was fun just like any other friday night. I did nothing but chill with my besties and eat sketti all night. I went to see Vicky-T for a while and she seems to be holding up pretty good. But, it was all fun… a great night. Then around 6:30am we get the call that put me in a funk. My Nana had a stroke. I dont think it registered at first, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up went driving and then went to the hospital and thats when it hit me. MY NANA HAD AN EFFIN STROKE!!! It’s been hard seeing her like this. To know that there is nothing i can do. Is she going to pull thru this okay?? I think she will. but its going to be a long hard process and everyone is going to have to be strong for her.

I told myself last night, after being at the hospital practically all day, that no matter what happened I would continue to have faith in God. I’m trusting that He will bring her thru this alright and things will go back to normal but even if they dont [go back to normal] i still wanna know that He is still God. No matter what happens… he’s still faithful. And even when none of us feel like being strong anymore I trust that He’s going to be there to help strengthen us. But right now I dont need him to be my strength, or my friend, or my confidant or even my provider… right now I need him to be her healer. I am unimportant. My needs are not what matters right now… I need him to bring her some strength so that she can walk again, give her some comfort for those lonely nights in that hospital bed… give her some healing that will help her to get better really soon.

i’m trying to trust Him… I really am

saying goodbye

Tomorrow morning sad and hurting hearts will gather to say goodbye to Ms. Sarah. They will come together to support one another and to pay their last respects to a lady that will not be forgotten. I wish I could go but unfortunately I have to work but my sister and bestie are all going to support the family, especially Victoria. I think goodbye is one of the hardest things that we can say to someone and this week I know that lots have struggled with having to say those two simple words. I am happy tho, and I feel very blessed to know that I am apart of a supporting church family that comes together no matter what happens to support one another. I am happy that so many of Shiloh’s members have gathered in that house that I have walked past so many times. They have gone to support a family that is pained by a loss. I know that tomorrow will be hard day for them and my prayers are def. wit them all day long. I just hope and pray that even after tomorrow, they remember that God is there to comfort them and that she is there watching over them all but more importantly she is in their hearts.

Good bye Ms. Sarah… watch over us all

R.I.P Brielle… && thank you for strengthening the gurls. They miss you terribly but they are doing so good and they are growing and realizing that life is worth living. Thank you especially for watching and keeping Lucy, you have somehow managed to give her some type of direction and I know that you are proud of her. She is a beautiful girl and she is learning to be as strong as you were. One Love.

my poo butt shay…

In the 6th grade I met a lot of crazy girls!! LoL!! They were my chicks all thru middle school…we got in trouble together, we fought with each other, we beefed over dumb stuff, we supported each other and we tried our best to give each other advice about issues that none of us knew about. I remember all the fights and good times and memories back at DMS… those were the good days. After middle school most of us went our seperate ways. About 4 of us went to the same high school and the rest of them were history. One of them girls that tagged along to high school was Shay, we were closest to her out of all them crazies. But anyways, since the first day of middle school til like 11th grade it was us three: Shanae’, Tanae’ and Nashay [yes all three of our names rhyme!!] Eventually Shay moved and she was no longer there everyday but we still kept in touch. She was still there for all the occasions and two years later she was still calling us her ‘best friends’ LoL!! I love my chick…she has been thru a lot in the past two years and yesterday we sat down and had a super long talk about so much stuff that she has been dealing with. So, I’ll make it my business to be there for her and I’ll make sure that she is in church bright and early sunday morning and i’ll do what I can to help her to rebuild that relationship with God. She just needs to know that no matter how many times you turn away from Him, He’ll always be there waiting for you to turn back to Him. Bottom line, I love my poo butt Shay and for the longest time, she has been there for me holding me down so now its time to be there for her. She is my longest friend and there are not too many people that I can truely call a friend but she is one of them.

scooda & squirt

Posted in back to the past, blessings, good times, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 31, 2007

well, ever since Tray & Von were born me & Shink were practically taking care of them. I remember them being at our house like every weekend or we were at theres. They are my heart but now they are big lil boys and I have are memories. Tray was  always the fat one. He used to cry and scream and yell at the top of his lungs. I remember when he used to lay on his stomach and get mad cause he couldn’t crawl. He would always eat my oatmeal inventions no matter hiw nasty they were LoL. Now, Squirt, is my bad lil mojo. He was crawling first. he’s the crazy one, always jumping off chairs and flipin down steps and doing something stupid. He is the fighter of the two, always ready to hit some one. His laugh and cry are exactly the same and his voice is the squeekiest in america. These boys will always hold a special place in my heart cause ever since they were babies, I helped to take care of them. They may not remember it today but I will remember it forever. And I know that every time I see them and they jump on me that a piece of my lil heart melts for them and there’s nothing better than a day with my Scooda and Squirt.

January 4th 2004 I fell in love with two lil boys: TrayVon Amaih and DeVon Machi… they are my heart and my joy and no one can take their place no matter how old they get.