slowly dying

Posted in death, health, help me!!, him by Tanae' A. on April 21, 2008
ii think everyday that ii go thru this shit hurts worse. how can he chose her over me?? what is so special about her?? nothing. there cant be anything so wonderful about her. she cant be right for him so why is he with her?? it didn’t bother me when ii first found out, ii was okay. but now, ii dont know what the problem is. ii guess everyday that he spends with her is another step he’s taking away from me. ii no longer have his heart. im no longer the one that he wants and as much as it kills me to admit that to myself i have to do it. ii dont know where to go from here, there is no one else in this entire world that ii would rather be with so what else is there to do??


and to add insult to injury my frickin head will not stop hurting. there’s this pressure in the back of my head that wont go away. at first it just appeared after some type of exercise or activity but its been there now for two days and will not budge. it doesn’t really hurt and if ii dont pay any attention to it ii even forget its there but its annoying. whatever it is thats wrong is making me tired, ii feel sluggish and dont feel like doing anything. ii was going to call my doctor today but ii decided not to. ii hate going to doctors. if it gets any worse i’ll make an appointment but if not ii suppose ill be okay.


ii just dont feel like dealing with whatever is not right. when it’s my time to go, there aint no stopping it so all the extra is so unnecessary. we’ll see what happens in the very near future and take it from there. in the meantime, keep me [[and my health]] in your prayers.


Posted in choir, healing, health, ministry, music, R.I.P Cornell, Shiloh, youth ministry by Tanae' A. on February 6, 2008
This coming friday the youth and young adult choir will come together to have a rehearsal. We now have a new musician and while I am excited about something new I am also a bit skeptical about this. The last time Y&YA sung we had Cornell there with us. I’m doing this for him. I remember so many days we would come out and it would only be four or five of us at best and he would always tell us to keep coming. He always said that it would get better. He was that drive we needed to keep going some days. Even tho he’s not here in person I feel like he is the drive that still keeps me going. I can picture him now with that grin as he raises that one eyebrow and says “baby girl, you gotta keep doin what you doing” and then that crazy Askew Williams would always co-sign with him “thats right keep on coming,  just keep on coming” lolzz… It wont be the same without Cornell but I know that his spirit lives on and because I know that he believed in us i’m going to go in there knowing that we can do and be something better than anyone ever imagined. It may start with a few but I’m believing that we will be fruitful and multiply.
Cornell~ I miss you so much and I love you. Things aint the same without you but I keep you in my heart and I thank you for everything that you  have done. I am a better person because I was impacted by you and I know that you are looking out for me, for us. Strengthen the Bishop so he can come back and play for us real soon. Rest In Peace.
Bishop, My Bishop~ You know I loves you and I hope that you get better real soon cause I miss seeing your smiling face.  Jus take your time and get well because we need you. See you soon and until then you are in my prayers.
Tanae’ A.

i dont think i can do this…

Posted in dancing, FOOD!!, health by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
i dont know who i think im fooling but this is no longer a joke. after dancing at two services yesterday and getting a good nights sleep…i woke up this morning with back pains, knee pains, neck pains…just all kinds of pains. pains so bad i had to catch the elevator instead of walking up the two flights of steps to my office. then i have to turn around and go to dance practice tonight… i dont think i can do this, like really. maybe im getting old or something but im tired. i walked two blocks today and was out of breath… something aint right.
somedays i feel like im dying…or somewhere close to it. my chest hurts more than it should. i dont breath too well most days. something inside is hurting but i dont know if its my kidney or what. im going to the doctors soon so i guess time will tell but i know that i am kinda not in good health. im drinking water and eating right from now on cause i cant stand the thought of not being healthy. so i guess that means no more carryout. no more pork from apple trees and def. no more mcdonalds and cheese steaks and fried chicken. i like my lil eff’d up life so i aint trying to go to glory no time soon, especially not from eating a lil too much grease in the morning. keep me in prayer cause i think im a lil too young to be having all these pains… and if you dont see me third sunday dancing like im posed to, that means i quit from exhaustion lolzz…