i need a bigger word than blessed

I think I just had the most powerful thought provoking conversation that I have ever had with anyone in a very very long time, if ever. I was sitting here and I always seem to get a lil figgety on Fridays so I decided to see who was on aim. And what do ya know.. Meeka hits me up. So at first we are just talking casually about life and everything that we are doing and have done. Mind you, I have not talked to her in forever and 3 years. But we sitting here just talking and then the conversation takes a turn. She tells me that God is really blessing her and I agree. She tells me all these things that he has been revealing to her and it blows my mind because I never in a million years thought that I would be having this conversation with her. God is just awesome. It amazes me how much he is doing in all of our lives really. I mean, we have all grown up so much and we used every single obstacle to make us stronger and here we are blessed beyond abundance and none of us can complain. I look at her and see what God has brought her from and I just get excited because if you knew Meek back then you would know how much work he had to do on her. I look at Nish and I am so proud of my sister. She is happily married and she has e beautiful baby gurl and she is living everyday trusting that God will guide her thru. Everybody judged her. Everybody said that things wouldn’t work but she had a faith big enough to get her to where she is now and there’s nothing I can do but be happy for her because she is living the way that she is supposed to be living. I look around at everyone and see the lil crazy gurls that we used to be and I cant complain because every day aint great and every moment aint all smiles but I am so happy that I am not the same person that I used to be. I am happy to know that I can call up my sisters and talk to them about the goodness of God and that right there to me signifies growth.

I’m proud of us… I think we did alright.

you wouldn’t believe the thursday i just had!

It started out like any other ordinary day, I didn’t feel well but I still made my way to work like I always do. Upon my arrival, I walked with my co-workers to get breakfast and then I proceeded to do some work. Around 9:30 I got a text message from someone so I responded and continued on with my day and less than a half our later I attempted to call my brother and the words “service not available” showed up on my phone. So, I was a little confused, I didn’t know what this meant so a few minutes later it said the same thing so then I got worried. I did what I always do when something is wrong with my phone, I hopped online to pull up my account just to make sure that everything was on point. But when I went to put in my number and password it said that my number was no longer in service. So what did I do?? I called the good people at Boost Mobile. And of course they gave me the run around and finally they told me the problem. Someone had tapped into my password, put my number on a different sim card and then put a brand new number to my sim… huh?? How could this be?? No one knows. So after speaking with the manager who knew absolutely nothing, I called back again and spoke with some nice little foreign lady. I didn’t understand any of what she said so [not so] politely asked her if I could speak with someone else. So then she transfered my to some siddity cheerleader lady who was dumb enough to tell me that all that i could do was call the police because she couldn’t give me any information on my phone unless I filed a police report. So now I’m trippin, what is the police going to do for me when all someone did was change some info on my phone?? Nobody stole my identity or did anything with my social security number so lady, I dont think you know what you are talking about. She gives me some number to call and tells me that this sort of thing happens all the time. So I said okay and about a half hour later I called Law Enforcement. This lady officer who answered the phone literally laughed in my face. She laughed at me yall and she didn’t try to hide. She asked me what idiot told me to call them and why. So after I felt like a dumby for even attempted to call them I called Boost back and I had an attitude to last me for a whole year. I promise you, I stayed on hold for about an hour and a half so that they could figure out what was going on and what I could do. After getting the run-around all morning long a nice lady named Brandy hopped on the phone and said that she was going to try to help me. She asked me for all my info and I couldn’t tell her anything because whoever got into my account changed the address, passcode, phone number, and all the security questions. And they changed the name to Jokers Jinx… how effin funny right!! No. So she finally told me that she could put the number back in my name, change all the info back and put all the money back into my account if I bought a new sim card within 24 hours. So, I was frustrated after that but I was thankful that someone somewhere could help me do something that even the manager could not do…so kudos go out to her for helping me.

So, after all that I finally went to lunch an hour late and got some great food with Teia. I ended up being in another office for the rest of the day because some victims were still waiting for their cases to be heard and at 4:45 I was out the door. By the time I got home I was really ready to chill out but I still had to go and get me a new sim card. I called my aunt and told her to take me to Logan Village on the way down to revival. She said yes so I ran into the store and was on my way out 3 minutes later. We hopped in the van and out of nowhere my aunt says “Yall, there goes Larry Tate” “What?? What are you talking about” “Yall, he is walkin up the street…look!” “Oh Jesus, it’s him in the flesh!!” He came over and gave us all some love and that was the one thing that made my day so much better. I saw my cousin walking around in Logan Village after being in intensive care for three weeks. The last time I talked to anyone it was a week ago and they told me that he was in the same condition and was not making improvement and here he was walking around the shoppin center healthy as all get-out. Now, that right there erased every problem that had occured with my stupid stupid phone.

We got to the church and there was no one there so we stepped outside so that I could let them know that I had gotten my new sim card and like they promised, everything was back to normal. I was excited because I now had a phone. YaY!!! I ended up having to switch all my numbers to my new phone which took me forever but I will not complain. Service was good, I laughed with my sweethearts and I got in the bed about 5 hours past my bed time so I was extremely tired this morning. But, we are having a pizza party at work, and we’re going to revival again tonight, and i might even take a trip to the pool hall. I’m getting up bright and early tomorrow morning to go to MVA [because when I went last weekend they were closed] and I hope and pray that I will see my bestie this weekend cause I miss her o so much.

It’s friday, it has been a good week despite my head cold that lasted too long. And I am so excited that I may be going to 7:30 service on sunday morning and sunday school… The weekend is here.. lets make it count…

I love my big cuzzo Larry and my lil sis Drea…

V.Tech:: back in action

Posted in be the change, community, healing, hospitals, moving on, V.Tech: Today we are all Hokies by Tanae' A. on August 20, 2007

I am excited to see the students at Virginia Tech getting back into the swing of things on campus. There was a gas leak that left a few students in critical condition [pray for them] and a few others were treated and released.

I am praying for them all because I know it cant be easy going back to that campus after the tragedy that they all have had to endure. I hope that they all can take all their pain and allow it to push them into doing something positive on their campus as well as their community.

Hokie Love

are you really serious?? Really??

Posted in family, healing, issues, mommy, people I love, prayer by Tanae' A. on July 19, 2007

Ok. remember them days when you were little and you went to mommy to ask if you could go somewhere or do this and you got so excited when she said yes. But then. Daddy comes home early or she says the three dreadful words “Ask your father” and you know that any plans that you just had are now totally flushed down the drain. Thats how I feel right now.

I got soo darg on happy last week when my mom came back from the emergency room totally fine. I was excited because I was very worried and I felt a lot of comfort knowing that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. So, a week later she had to go to another doctor for an already scheduled appointment and they told her something that could possibly not end well. Now all of my worries are back and they will continue to linger until this journey is over and we know what is really wrong. They are telling us that we would have to wait at least two months to know if this is anything serious but its hard waiting ever-so-patiently for the doctor to say something that you dont think you would want to hear.

Just continue to pray cause right now thats the only hope that I really have. I’m praying that this is something that we can deal with… No, let me take that back. I know that whatever it is, we will get through it but I hope that this is just another easy hurdle to hop over.


The Worst Father’s Day Ever

I honestly dont think I’ve ever had a bad Father’s Day. Of course, I’ve never really had a father to celebrate but usually my days are spent with my family enjoying their company. Yesterday will be a day that I will never forget, just because it was that terrible.

It started off good. I went to church early to dance, went to sunday school, laughed a lil, got some breakfast, and chilled with my fam. As soon as the 10:45 service started we got word that some people close to us lost their grand-father and from there my day went down hill. I tried my best to be there for them all but it was extremely hard. We all decided to dance anyway and the rest of the church service was spent comforting them and making sure they were okay.

Everytime someone around me loses someone, I feel like I’m just that much closer to losing someone that I love. It scares me to think about death because I dont think I would be able to deal with that type of loss. I think now more than ever, I have the urge to be with my family as much as I possibly can because you never know when some one will be taken from you.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day that I can remember not being surrounded by all of my aunts uncles and cousins. We went to dinner, just my sister and my mom, and then we went home. It saddens me because I see things changing in my family and I dont want to accept the change. We no longer get together on holidays like we used to. We no longer do something as simple as Sunday dinner like we used to. I just have the feeling that it’s gonna take something terrible in order to get us all back together. We are moving away from each other physically and I have a problem with it. My cousins moved to PA a few months ago. My brother moved to South Carolina in January. My aunt, uncle and cousins just moved to Chicago last week. My Uncle has lived in Atlanta since I can remember, my grandfather is in Ohio. And my other uncle is moving back to Alberquerque, New Mexico in less than two months. What is happening to my family?? Why are we seperating ourselves??

My prayers go out to Mama Na and the entire family. Be strong honeys God is with you and so are we…

It’s Me…only duplicated

Posted in clothes, death, family, friends, healing, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love, prayer, seperation, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

I have never really feared my own death. I understand that everyone is alloted a certain amount of time on this earth to do whatever it is that they have been created to do. The only thing that I have asked of God is that I go as quickly and calmly as possible. I’ve lived in dramatic rage all my life and the last thing that I want to do is die in that same hell. Suffering is what has pushed me to life, I¬†certainly dont want it to push me to death.

Up until yesterday I’ve never really taken too much time out to dwell on the world without me. Trust the world as a whole would not be affected but my small world will. I am so afraid of the people that I love being called away from here that I never even take time out to think about my own departure. I thought about it yesterday and the only thing that I could think about is my closest friends and family having to live without me.

I think about my mom and how she calles me for every technical issue that she encounters. Without me she would have no one to drive with her everywhere in America just to pay some bills.

My grandmother wouldn’t have anyone to call her o-so-sexy on sunday evenings…and no one to make sure her phone bill is exactly a week and 3 days late.

My older sister wouldn’t have anyone to yell at for picking with her son…again. And she wouldn’t have anyone to yell at her everytime she needs someone to walk to 7-11 to get some cheese for her doritos.

My Jazzy wouldn’t have anyone to call weird everyday. Or make her laugh when she cries. Or to jump on her when she just barely falls asleep. Or to steal all the new shirts that she got over the weekend.

My Budd*y wouldn’t have anyone to flirt with on those boring nights. Or anyone to actually beat him in pool or force him to buy the french fries that noone needs.

My Phil wouldn’t have anyone to call every ten minutes. Or to book his flights back to baltimore. Or to say how much she really hates ALL his girfriends. He wouldn’t have anyone to talk about when he got a lil attitude. He wouldn’t have anyone to write him letters or walk around the corner with. No one else will sleep in his bed and force him to sit on the floor with the small pillow. He wouldn’t have anyone to make him a cup of juice just to drink it all.

My Shink wouldn’t have anyone to do everything for her that she cant do for herself. She wouldn’t have anyone to stand on her bed to cut on the light, or to steal her jewelry and red hoody. Or to bother her at 2 in the morning for nothing. Or to sit in the bathroom and talk to when she takes those 10 hour candle lit baths. She wouldn’t have anyone to order her food, or her water [3 cubes of ice no lemon] or to tie her shoes. She wouldn’t have anyone to do her bun or talk about her colors or get the hair off her shirt after having a fit with the brush. She wouldn’t have anyone to eat with or watch movies with or talk to about the stupidest things. She wouldnt have anyone to argue with or sit with or walk with down the street. She wouldn’t have anyone to complete her.

These are the only reasons that I will ever be scared of leaving this earth. I dont want my family and friends to miss me in anyway or hurt because I’m gone. Instead I wish I could send them a duplicate…not as weird or as funny or as helpful…but close to it. Maybe not the same crazy hair or choice of clothing but I want someone to come that will make their life somewhat the same as it has been for years. I dont wanna leave this earth anytime soon but if I do… I pray that I would go quick and that my family would be blessed with someone to fill my shoes… just a lil bit.


Missing Irene…

Posted in back to the past, death, events, family, funeral home, healing, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 21, 2007

Yesterday evening my mom, sisters, aunt and I decided to head to the funeral home to pay our respects and show love to a family who has just lost someone close to them. I didn’t think anything of it until we pulled into the driveway and it took everything in me not to burst out into tears.

I haven’t been to that funeral home in two years and I didn’t at all expect to get the sick feeling that I got when I walked through the door. It’s been two years since my aunt passed and I remember having to hold up my little cousins as we all struggled to view her body.

I’ve been to that funeral home hundreds of times in my life. I’ve had distant family leave from this earth and friends make quick departures. Being in that particular funeral home never ever bothered me until I had to bid farewell to someone that I was so close to and loved so dearly. Yesterday, all the emotions that I felt two years ago somehow met me at the door.

I walked away from there feeling empty. There’s a space in my heart that my aunt used to fill and even tho she is still in my heart I miss her dearly. I pray that I wouldn’t have to step foot into that funeral home anymore in the near future. I dont think I could stomach too many more visits. But for some reason I think that I’mm be seeing a lot of James A. Morton and Sons.

Missing Irene…


Life Without a Father

Posted in back to the past, decisions, family, father, healing, him, hurt, issues, life, lost one, love, move on, people I love by Tanae' A. on May 16, 2007

The other day I was having a conversation with someone about life without a father and the affect it has had on me. Because that isn’t something that I really take time out to think about, I had to take a lil while to get my responses together. Whn I first thought about it automatically said that my growing up without a father really didnt have a serious impact on the person I grew up to be. I lied.

When I really think about it, I know that being raised by my mother only has had an affect on me that I wouldn’t name totally negative. Because I know what it’s like to grow up without a father I purpose to be in a long healthy stable relationship [hopefully married] before I even consider having kids. Although my mom took very good care of me and my sisters, I watched her struggle for too many years just trying to keep food on the table. We managed but I never want to be put in a situation where I am forced to care for my kids on my own.

One thing that I’ve also noticed is the way I interact with persons of the opposite sex. I am very careful about who I let into my circle. A lot of times I hear people say that girls who have grown out without a father figure will gravitate towards guys cause they are in search of that love they never got. I think I am the total opposite… I am in search of that type of love but at the same time I know that everyone cant give that genuine love that a father can give. I am very adamant about who I let love me or who I give my heart to and a lot of people say thats a bad thing but I really disagree.

I do not totally push love away but I dont trust peoplw with my feelings because thats a serious way to get hurt along the line. I refuse to be hurt and heart broken a million and one times on my way to finding true love. A fathers love cant be given to me from anyone no matter what. There is no one that can fill the shoes of a daddy at this point in my life so I realize that there’s no point in searching for that type of love. The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.

My mom used to always say that out of me and my sister, I took not having a father the hardest. I think that’s true. I took all my anger out on my mother causing us to have a very rocky relationship. My sister is totally different than me. She’s not quick to love but at the same time she doesn’t push love away and when she does love its easy for her to walk away without a big fuss. Now me, on the other hand, If I love you…it’s gonna take 27 men to pull me away and change my heart cause I dont fall in love quick and I dont know how to fall out of love.

A lot of times I try to think about who I would be if I did have my father around and I honestly dont think I wanna know. I like who I turned out to be. I like the fact that I had to struggle to get to where I am. I like the fact that I had to endure some hurt and pain cause now I am stronger because of it. I’m happy to say that a lil while ago me and mom did have a terrible relationship and today I am happy because more than anything, today I can call her my friend. So living without a father didnt turn out to be so bad after all. Am I affected by it today? Yeah I am. But I live everyday knowing that I wouldn’t pay anyone to let me start over again differently. And the only thing that saddens me, is knowing that I’ll walking down an aisle one day all alone. Oh Well!!


I was ready. I mean… really. This time, I was seriously ready to let go. I was tired of trying and tired of being hurt. I was really gonna completely cut him off to never turn back. I vowed that if he hadn’t come thru by 12:00 last night I was really gonna be done with everything. But what do you know, at 11:37 pm I get a message telling me some serious news about their fam. And how could I walk away from him when he needs me?? I know him, I know he wont ever say he’s hurt… he’ll hold it all inside. Man, you never know what is gonna happen in life. Maybe this will be an eye opener but i dont know. Life is funny like that. Life throws things at you that you look at and dont think you can handle. I dont understand life but I love it… and I’m beginning to think that the spontaneous things are what I love the most. I never know what tomorrow is gonna bring and that to me is awesome. But one thing that I dont like… is that there are so many people who dont view life the way I do. People that are hurt by life and never take time to think that maybe things are meant to be. I care about him so much and at the end of the day my only concern is making sure he’s okay. I’m on the outside looking in so I see things clearer than he does. But if I were in his shoes I would be torn apart right now. He’s over there with no family, no real friends, and no one to really talk to… and I wish I could just be there for him cause I know he needs someone to show him that he’s not alone. And with 7 hours in between us… there’s no way I can get that message across to him. I was ready to turn my back on him but then life put a dent in my plan. I dont know if I’ll ever be able to walk away or if I ever want to but I know that even if it’s what I need to do… right now he needs me there more than I need space or time. He needs a friend, so I’m putting my selfishness to the side and am totally concerned about him… and I’m praying that his family pulls thru this and that everything works out for the better. But no matter what the outcome may be, he will know that I am here for him no matter what happens or where life takes us.

Loving Him


a hard decision

Have you ever been forced to chose between to extremes? When forced to make a decision have you hesitated because no matter what you decided… you would ultimately get hurt? Have you ever known what was best for you but you didn’t wanna go with what you knew because you didn’t wanna admit the truth to yourself?

Last week, I sorta forced myself to make a choice that I didnt want to make. After much thought and “weighing of the options” I realized to I was still in the same place that I started because I didn’t want to admit the truth to myself. I didn’t wanna move past that place that I had become content.

And so I put the decision in someone elses hands and told them to make the choice. After all they were just as much apart of the solution as they were the problem. So today is the day that the truth shall reveal itself. I know that if he says what I know is right I’ll be hurt but at the same time… it will be a relief. I know the answer to the simple yes or no question that I proposed. I know also know that feelings and emotions may very well cause us to answer that question wrongly. But I’ll take my chances. I think that at this point in time… he’ll think a bit more rational than I will. Maybe he’s smart enough to respond with an answer that will ultimately give me what I need to walk away from the one thing that I’ve run back to so many times.

Sometimes when we cant make decisions for ourselves we have to depend on others to make the decision for us. I think, this time around, I’ll be lucky. He’ll make a choice that will benefit us both in the long run. And although it may hurt… I know it’s the simple truth that I’ve been trying not to face. But in making the decision that I made to allow him to chose… I also realized that he wont be there always to make these type of decisions. There will come a time where I’ll have to look at truth in it’s face and really deal with the hurt that comes along with the healing. Keep praying for me…please…. just dont stop praying.