[{GRaViTY}]

{{heartless}}

Posted in fed-up, forgiveness, im so over it, life's a game, Tae' by Tanae' A. on April 10, 2008
after a while, when one person is hurt and walked over enough they close up. they shut down, put their heart on lock and vow to never ever trust again. after being lied to, cheated on, messed over, abandoned and left alone a person would understandably chose to give up. how much hurt does one person live thru before they become heartless?? ii never wanted to be that person. ii always said, every time ii got hurt, that ii would pick up the pieces and continue on. ii promised myself that ii would always have a heart and ii would always care but ii lied. ii took the heat, ii got thru it and the finished product was there but someone decided to put the icing on the damn cake a tad bit too soon. so guess what:: im over it. tae’ no longer has a heart. tae’ no longer has feelings. tae’ is a closed book. ii forgave everyone that has ever done me wrong, ever lied, cheated, stole, used, or manipulated…i forgave. but im angry, pissed and just plain enraged…forget about the hurt, hurt went out the door along with my heart…im just plain mad. ii was once the nice lil good girl that was there no matter what, and ii was always the one you called, or the one that gave and broke my damn back for you but no more…im thru loving, im thru helping, im thru being there for anyone so here is my apology. ii say sorry to the ones to come that are true because ii will never open my heart again. in 20 [[and a half]] years ii have seen more hurt than anyone should ever see so the shop is shut down…say what you will, think what you want…but until you walk in my shoes and live thru the hurt i lived thru and do what i have done only to have every good deed unappreciated dont judge me. im a heartless chick and i HATE every cunt that wronged me.

afraid of heights…

Posted in back to the past, check ya flesh, forgiveness, growth, ministry by Tanae' A. on February 4, 2008
I remember back when I was really little [[before life happened]] I was a really tiny thin girl. Back then, it only took a small breath to knock me over lolzz. But, I have this very vivid memory of my step dad. He wasn’t a big guy but to my lil self he was huge and he had muscles sooo big. He used to flex and me and my sisters would literally swing from his arms. One day, he lifted me up and he sat he on top of his arm. At first I was scared, terrified that I would fall but even more scared that if I fell, he wouldnt be there to catch me. It wasn’t until I stopped looking down that I really gave into that moment. Once I let go of that fear I felt like I was on top of the world and I wanted to stay there forever. My little small self on his big arms, him lifting me up beyond any height that my eyes could think of seeing. I thought about that today. Sometimes, God will lift us up and most times we are so scared of falling that we never take time to indulge in the moment. Im to a point now where Im going higher in him. Someone once said that the higher up you go the lonlier you get and that must be true cause im pretty lonely up here by myself. But I was so scared of falling and even more scared that if I fell He would refuse to catch me out of disappointment and so the only thing on my mind was getting down. Here I am, on the arms of God, my feet are dangling and im holding on for dear life. But once I let go of that fear of falling, I can really appreciate the height in which I have reached. Sometimes I just wanna get back to the comfortableness of the ground tho. One thing that I am realizing more and more each day is that God is going to be there at my highs and my lows. So when He has me up high He’s there to carry me and when I fall back down to my lowest, He’s there to lift me back up. Its just that I fear failing Him so much. Not just Him but myself and the people that are expecting so much from me. If I fail, how can I minister to someone else who is trying to do the right things?? Today Ms. Naomi looked me in my face and she said this “You are harder on yourself than God is, just let Him forgive you…” How right was she. I beat myself over the head for months on end about something petty that I did wrong when God has already forgotten about it and is telling me to move on with my ministry. This past weekend, I was going to stay in the house all weekend long. I was gonna sit on my couch watch some movies and get some rest because I didnt want to be in an atmosphere that would allow me to compromise my growth. Friday night, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up going to eat with a friend and her mom but I was back in the house by ten thirty and knocked out. Friday night, ten o clock and I’m sleep. Not out partying or drinkin or having fun. I was sleep and bored and lonely in a house all by myself. By the time Saturday rolled around I was so bored I wanted to get out but I was standing my ground. Turns out, however,a  few friends around the corner were having a lil get together so round eight we walked around the block. At first it was cool, we was just sitting around chilling and then some things started happening. We didnt stay long, got in the house around eleven but I beat myself up the whole night and well into this morning because not only did I partake in certain activities but I set myself up for failure. I went into this environment against my own better judgement and I wasnt strong enough to resist the temptations of the night. No, I didnt get ridiculously drunk and I wasnt extremely high but I sat in a room with people who were participating in activities I used to participate in. I sat in a house with people who had bottles passing around faster than a ferris wheel. But why? Why would I be in that setting?? Why would I feel the need to put myself into that type of situation knowing good and well what the outcome is going to be. I am mad at myself because of it. Mad because I knew what I wanted to do and it sucks that I am not yet strong enough to stand on my own two feet and say NO!! Is it worth the try?? Is it worth it to try and do all these things right? Should I just give up on myself and allow God to use someone more qualified for the job?? You know what I think?? I think that God has me where I am, doing what I am doing because the people that I am ministering to are learning something from my downfalls. They are not just looking at my triumphs and seeing what they want to be but they are also looking at my mistakes knowing that even thru all of their mess they can do and be someone better for Him. I mess up, I fall short, I do things that I shouldnt do but Im growing and im getting thru the struggles of each day. And at the end of the day someone is going to look at me, see where I come from and know that the same God that saved me can save them. The same God that lifts me high up is the same God that can catch me when I fall off His shoulders from time to time. I dont think im too afraid of heights anymore yall!!!

i wasn’t going to do this but…

Posted in birthdays, family, forgiveness, frustrations, Indi*poo, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

so, this morning when I woke up I was still in a crappy mood from all that happened last night and my plan was to remain in that mood until I got good and ready to get out of it. But of course, my idiot of a sister India decides to send me this cute lil text message apologizing for acting like a complete idiot. I guess she realized that I was really pissed when I walked by her and didn’t say anything especially happy birthday. Yes, I was going to go a full day without saying happy birthday to my sister who is now 21… petty?? i dont know but who cares. Its not to often that I can just be mad so when I decide to sit in my own funk it shouldn’t matter too much. But she said sorry and now I guess I’ll stick with my plan and dedicate todays blogging to her and her son.

I often ask myself why I love this knucklehead so much but then I realize… I have no other choice! HaHa!! Naw, but really. She is part of my joy, she is always saying something funny or doing something stupid and when she’s not acting like a total ass [which is 97% of the time] she is actually a fun person to be around. She looks out for me all the time and she sucks up to me so that she can get her way. I argue with her almost everyday and the days that we can actually act like civilized human beings are the days that make it all worth it. I really do love her, no matter how much I think I should hate her crazy self. And I am actually a lil mad at myself because I find it impossible to stay mad at her. She has the power to make a good day sooo terrible in like 5 seconds. She doesn’t know how to talk to people and she has no respect for others. She is ruthless and she doesn’t care what people think about her. She is loud and sloppy and just plain ignorant but thru all of her flaws she is a sweet responsible girl. She takes care of the things that I forget to do, she cleans up my mess when I am too preoccupied to do it, she lets me hold her cd’s when I dont feel like it and she cleans out the bathroom every friday even tho she doesn’t do it any other day of the week. She puts a smile on my face. She is the only person that can actually curse me out and have me think its funny. She is spoiled and she gets what she wants by saying three little words “come on Tin..” I cannot stand her, she is my headache and she is my attitude and I dont know why I am her friend but thats my sister and I def cant live without her. My love for her is bigger than any headache or attitude that she could ever give me.

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY INDI*POO!!

Forgiveness

Posted in back to the past, forgiveness, hurt, people I love by Tanae' A. on October 15, 2007

Today is a rough day. A lot of things are going thru my mind and it all revolves around forgiveness. I have been told plenty of times in the past that the hardest thing to do is to forgive someone that has hurt you. I beg to differ. I think that holding a grudge is harder for me because its takes so much out of me. I’d rather just get over it, let it ride and continue on with my day. Resentment eats away at your core… the more you hold onto it the more you hurt yourself. The hardest thing, i think, when it comes to forgiveness is forgiving yourself. The easy stuff is easy to forget. Oh, I did this, that and the other and I told myself that I wouldn’t do it… its cool, I learned from that mistake and moved on. I said this to this person, I apologized… no biggie, I now know what not to say. Simple things are always easy to forgive. But what about the big things that started out as little things that just went out of control. What about the stuff that affected everyone in some type way. What about the stuff that you allowed to get completely out of hand… how do you forget that stuff?? How do you forgive yourself after you have hurt so many people? It’s the big things that I hold on to. I know what I have to do in order to forgive myself but I must look at the situation as a whole. Who would be affected by need to for some peace? Who would be hurt even more?? I think we all go thru life and we all have that one thing that eats at us and we just dont know how to shake it. Well, this one thing is just going to have to eat away at my core until there is nothing else there because there are some things that I refuse to do. My mom always told me that whats done in the dark will always be revealed in the light and that is really the only thing that scares me but at the same time… thats almost like the moment that I will be waiting for forever. I just cant do something to hurt the people that mean most to me only to be able to find comfort in my own reflection.

living in resentment… Tae’