[{GRaViTY}]

{{heartless}}

Posted in fed-up, forgiveness, im so over it, life's a game, Tae' by Tanae' A. on April 10, 2008
after a while, when one person is hurt and walked over enough they close up. they shut down, put their heart on lock and vow to never ever trust again. after being lied to, cheated on, messed over, abandoned and left alone a person would understandably chose to give up. how much hurt does one person live thru before they become heartless?? ii never wanted to be that person. ii always said, every time ii got hurt, that ii would pick up the pieces and continue on. ii promised myself that ii would always have a heart and ii would always care but ii lied. ii took the heat, ii got thru it and the finished product was there but someone decided to put the icing on the damn cake a tad bit too soon. so guess what:: im over it. tae’ no longer has a heart. tae’ no longer has feelings. tae’ is a closed book. ii forgave everyone that has ever done me wrong, ever lied, cheated, stole, used, or manipulated…i forgave. but im angry, pissed and just plain enraged…forget about the hurt, hurt went out the door along with my heart…im just plain mad. ii was once the nice lil good girl that was there no matter what, and ii was always the one you called, or the one that gave and broke my damn back for you but no more…im thru loving, im thru helping, im thru being there for anyone so here is my apology. ii say sorry to the ones to come that are true because ii will never open my heart again. in 20 [[and a half]] years ii have seen more hurt than anyone should ever see so the shop is shut down…say what you will, think what you want…but until you walk in my shoes and live thru the hurt i lived thru and do what i have done only to have every good deed unappreciated dont judge me. im a heartless chick and i HATE every cunt that wronged me.
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pissed…[[i hate dudes]]

Posted in fed-up, moving on, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on January 14, 2008

for some reason i seem to attract a lot of guys that just get on my damn nerves. most of them have something to offer but i just cant stand any of them so i dont deal with them. the problem is, however, that most of them insist on trying to be something more than friends and it just doesn’t work. it actually annoys me and pisses me off. i’m very up front with them too, i let them know from the jump that we are strictly friends and will be nothing more. thats why i was so pissed about 7.5 minutes ago when this dude txted me. he decides to ask me if we can hang out this weekend and since i dont have any plans i said yeah most likely that’ll flyy. i asked him wat he wanted to do and was pissed by his response. first off, i dont carry myself like no fast ass hoe because i aint nothing close to it and i def aint never gave this dude no reason at all to think that i would ever go there wit him. so i cursed him out in a very nice way but that dont change the fact that im pissed. but i think im so mad because he aint the first dude to try some off the way type stuff. guys will be guys and guys try but i aint the type to take too much trying. just last week some other dude was hanging out then gonna ask me if he can leave my house go see some chick and then come back around 2am to “watch a movie”… what the hell do i look like?? resolved:: im thru with these dudes. aint none of em bout shit so there aint no point in wasting my time tryna be nice and remain friends. i try to be cordial and hold a convo every once in a while but i can see that some guys just aint used to a classy chick lolzz. i know a few that mite be more their type…haha

[[im oh so 08]]~sorry 4 the language

oh, i can do that too

Posted in fed-up, frustrations, issues, mommy, money by Tanae' A. on October 25, 2007

A lot of times I have the world’s most patience when it comes to issues within my household. I may get frustrated or whatever else but I’ll simply go to my room and blow off the steam before getting angry about anything. I usually try to see things from other peoples point of view but not anymore. I am frustrated and fed-up with trying to understand this crap when there is nothing to understand. Point is, I am sick of my mother. Now, this is a lady that I love more than life and I appreciate her and everything that she does but right now I am really not feeling her. I always said that if I could, I would take care of my mother for as long as she took care of me. When I get stable enough I wanna pay off my mother’s house, I wanna be the one to take her to a car dealership and tell her to pick out the truck that she want and then pay the bill on it myself, I wanna be the one that takes her to the grocery market on saturday mornings just to make sure she dont ever want for nothing… but right now I cant really do that. I dont ask my mother for much, well at least I try not to. I dont ask my mother for money and if I do it is because I really need it and I always make sure I pay her back with interest. The only thing that I ever really need from her is a ride somewhere that the bus wont take me. But God knows, I try not to ask her for too much. Especially when it comes to material things, I work everyday so that I can buy what I want to buy and if I cant afford it I’ll save up for it. I make sure that every pay I give my mother a good chunk out of my check plus I give her gas money on top of that. Just last week I called her to ask her if she wanted me to pay off one of her bills because I had a lil extra money and I knew things were a lil tight but she told me no. WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO SHOW YOU THAT I APPRECIATE YOU?? What do you want me to write in the sky?? I do my share around the house, I say thank you as much as I can, I follow directions fairly well. Two weeks ago I spent an entire 3 days rearranging furniture in my bedroom, buying new furniture, getting rid of some stuff and doing things so that I have more space to organize things. I didn’t do it for her, I did it for me. I was tired of being cramped in my lil hole in the wall and I was tired of hearing her fuss about my room being dirty. Now, I am still in the process of getting some things done in there but I have to wait til some extra money comes in but I never knew that making up a bed every morning shows how much I appreciate you. I really feel like my mom is like a walking time bomb. Anyday now she’ll snap and throw us all out so I wanna make sure I’m well prepared when that happens. So, I am really in my fed-up mode. She wants to be done with us so I’ll be done with her. I can keep my 400 a month and put it in the bank so that I can get a car faster. I can not put gas in your car since you refuse to take me anywhere I need to go. As a matter of fact, let me take the money that I was giving you and give it to the people that I have to beg and bride to take me to where I need to go because you know everything comes with a price. I’ll continue to do what I have to do in the house, I’ll continue to clean and take care of my responsibilities but everything else is cut. So when you dont have no extra cash in ya pocket cause you gotta pay 4 bills, please do not rely on my lil bit of money cause…HA HA!! YOU WONT BE GETTING IT!! Just like I cant rely on you for a ride when I have NO OTHER WAY you cant rely on me when you stuck between a rock in hard place. Because reality is, I never ever have to question whether or not you appreciate what I give you because I know that you do appreciate it when you say thankyou. And even if you dont appreciate it, it would never matter because I would rather be unappreciated than to see you want for anything and I would expect the same thing but I guess thats where we differ. Thank you aint enough for you, giving back my last just so that you can have some gas is not enough for you, trying my hardest to squeeze out an extra 50-100 after I have paid bills and bus passes and tithes and everything else… thats not good enough. Good enough to you is having a house that is super clean, good enough for you is making sure that my bed has not one wrinkle in it, good enough for you is making sure that there is not one fork in the sink when you wake up because you want it to be perfect. Well guess what mama, i am not perfect and I hate cleaning and I dont mind there being a bobby pin or a rubber band on the floor every once in a while so what are you going to do about it?? I think your actions have answered that question. Continue to act the way you do and I’ll continue to act just like you because after all, you are my example. You wanna hold back and not do anything for me… well guess what, I can do that too!

Maybe I am just mad right now so there is a great possibility that I am sayin all this out of frustrations but right now thats how I feel. And I still love my mommy just the same because of who she is and not what she does for me but right now I am just fed-up with her selfishness at this point and it has really gone a bit too far. 

living for me

Posted in decisions, determination, fed-up, frustrations by Tanae' A. on October 9, 2007

I am so tired of young, immature, fake, phony, half-steppin people. I am tired of people thinking that they can get away with dirt when they only setting themselves up to be caught. I am tired of people and their juvenile behaviors. I am tired of people saying they are going to do something and not doing it. I am tired of people taking their frustrations and stresses out on everyone around them. But most of all I am tired of people that smile in my face and try to do me harm behind my back. This is life people, life is meant for living. So when are people going to really start living?? People seem to be so focused on Tanae’ and what she is doing that they never worry about themselves. People so worried about making sure I know that they dont like me or going out of their way to mugg me or steppin in my face to speak to me and then tell ya homegirl that you dont like me loud enough for me to hear. What the hell is the point?? I mean really, you hating on me because I’m doing something that you couldn’t do on your own. Well, get over it. You mad cause YOU THINK i got something that you want… and i’m laughing at you in your face cause you assuming for no reason at all. People sneaking around trying to do their dirt in all the wrong places… there’s a time and a place for everything and its time that something be said about behavior that is going on. People look at the behavior of people around them and they never stop to correct it… but instead they settle for talking about those people behind their backs when that aint the way to go. When you see something broken YOU FIX IT… you  dont just watch it collapse and fall. People all around me are looking out for self. No one is worried about the people around them. We walk past people and we talk about them and then wonder why no one helps us when we are at our lowest points. I’m through. I’m done worrying about other people, I’m done caring what people think. If you dont like me than you know what, thats your problem not mine. I could care less what you think of me… go ahead and talk about me and disrespect me and do what ever you feel in your lil heart to do. And watch me smile in your face and hug you when I see you and offer you a helping hand whenever you need it and then we’ll see who is really mad. Because there is really no point in hating me over things that you cannot control. Get your life together please. If life to you is all about me and what I am doing than you are not really living. Glad I inspire you and have that big of an impact on your life but its really about that time for you to grow up. Start looking at the bigger picture. Start living like tomorrow aint coming… and STOP PISSING ME OFF!! LoL!! Really man, people are really starting to get to me and its a bunch of things at once. All these people are coming at me all at once I feel like I am being attached by all of them. Well I’m tired of fighting… I’m tired of helping and I’m tired of hurting. Go ahead and do what you do, go where you wanna go, live how you wanna live, mug me if you want, dont speak if you dont feel like it, continue to hate and talk about me, please continue to smile in my face, continue to ignore what I say so that you can get caught up, continue to take your frustrations out on me, continue to be immature and young… please please, continue on with your antics and when you finish look the hell around and see how much of life you’ve really missed being dumb.

I’m just gonna live my life for me… how bout it??

ok, im complaining… AGAIN!!

I AM SO EFFIN FRUSTRATED!!

I KNOW THAT I CANT DO EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO HELP ME I COULD DO THIS. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS JUST LOOKING AT ME AND NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME OUT.

I’M STRESSING MYSELF OUT BECAUSE THERE’S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO WAIT AND PATIENCE IS NOT MY THING. I’M TRYING, GOD KNOWS I AM BUT IM REALLY GETTING TICKED OFF BECAUSE I WANT SO BADLY FOR THIS MONEY TO FAL INTO MY LAP.

IN THE MIDST OF ALL OF MY HYSTERIA, I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I CANT REALLY DISCLOSE ANY INFO BECAUSE I DONT KNOW FOR SURE IF THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT. BUT JUST KEEP PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WORKS IN MY FAVOR. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THIS MONTH, ALL OF MY MONEY ISSUES WILL BE STRAIGHTENED OUT AND I’LL BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BESIDES JUST STAY IN CONSTANT PRAYER CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW CRAZY THIS SITUATION IS MAKING ME. I KNOW THAT I WILL GET THRU THIS (on my own) AND I WILL THEN HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

a different approach

A lot of times, i have the tendency to over react when it comes to certain people. I know that when it comes to people that I care about and love I will not tolerate anyone walking over them or giving the short end of the stick, especially when they do so much for other people. It’s just not right. One thing that I have yet to master is the art of humility. On Friday night someone that I am very close to got pushed over terribly in like 5 minutes time and just walked away from the situation like nothing happened. It frustrated me so bad because I know that she was upset, frustrated, hurt, and angry but in order to keep her dignity she didn’t even complain a bit. Instead she got her things and she walked away from it and continued on with her day. Just to see that kind of treatment pissed me off and I stood up on her behalf. Something needed to be said and/or done and so I took the initiative to let the people involved know that their actions were not cool. I let anger and frustration get the best of me and it didnt change anything. In fact, those involved were pissed because she decided to walk away and not complain about the situation. I look up to this person because she is like the model of what I want to be. She knows how to walk away from certain things and still does what she needs to do in ministry. She will dry her tears and remember what she’s in it for and it amazes me that she can do that. By the time Friday evening hit I wished I could go back in time and follow in her footsteps but I cant. The only thing that I can do is work on it in the future. I need to learn how to walk away from certain things that get to me and still do the work of ministry. Right now I’m being led towards either extreme. Either I’m totally speaking my mind about a situation and making things worse or im totally stepping away from everyone and everything. After this weekend I have decided to distance myself from everything but eventually I hope to get back into certain things with the right attitude and approach. My place is not in the pew and I know that. I have a desire to be a part of ministry but until I can master humility I think that is the best place for me right now. Just keep praying for me… I’m still growing.

Hateration

Posted in clothes, dey str8 fony, drama, fed-up, friends, frustrations, issues, life, move on by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

This weekend was not good. It was not bad either… It just was. I enjoyed myself as best as I could and I had fun during a few moments of a few days but I am honestly glad it is over with. One thing that I realized over the past three days is that some people will hate on you for no apparent reason at all. I mean the people that have no reason at all to hate will make it known that you have something that they want and will never have. No one hates on me… as far as I know, but I just sat back and watched the events of this weekend unfold and laughed to myself. I just dont understand. I mean, everyones hates on someone but theres a difference between hating and HATING. These females be hating like there’s no tomorrow. Like really, I hate, I’ve been jealous before, not necessarily of people but I have been jealous when someone had what I wanted. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I’m not even the type to down someone, especially a friend, when they got something or someone that I want. I just simply congratulate and get over it. It aint even that deep fa’real. But when females hate that you have something that they want and they really start to hate you, despise you, talk about you, and down you… then there is a problem. And males do it to. I just laugh at people like that because they are too dumb to see that they got something worth having right by their side. You worried about some other chicks dude and you got a good dude at home. You worried about her outfit and you got on a banging outfit ya self. You worried about what she got so much that what you had done been there and walked away 4 times before you even notice. Please just stop the hateration… it’s getting really old.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh…………..”

Posted in drama, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

THE DRAMA IS MAKING ME INSANE!!!

There comes a point in time where people just need to sit the hell back and really look at the situation at hand… IS IT REALLY THAT DEEP. You walk around with attitudes, huffing and puffing and blowing the whole damn house down… for what?? What is your temper tantrum going to solve. I can’t deal with the drama. I really cant. I dont know how much longer I can sit here and really take it. I am so tired of it. I wish they would all just quit it… Why cant they just grow up. It aint even that dag-on serious.

becoming something I dont want to be

Posted in be the change, check ya flesh, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

This morning I kinda scared myself a lot. I never ever wake up so frustratedd. I usually wake up happy…no matter what time it is, especially on mornings like today when the sun wakes me at the perfect time. I dont know what happened tho. I was just mad. I got up and everything around me just got me so irritated and I really had to sit back a think about why I was so frustrated.

Things that aren’t supposed to get to me are beginning to take a major toll on me and I dont wanna be the type to just blow up one day on any given person. I try not to let things bother me… I just brush everything off because its really not that serious. There are so many better things to worry about on a day to day basis rather than the little stuff that kit-picking at my brain.

I think I just need some time to really re-evaluate some things and figure out what it is that is really pushing me over the edge. I dont like the person I am becoming.

Tae’

life…

I was ready. I mean… really. This time, I was seriously ready to let go. I was tired of trying and tired of being hurt. I was really gonna completely cut him off to never turn back. I vowed that if he hadn’t come thru by 12:00 last night I was really gonna be done with everything. But what do you know, at 11:37 pm I get a message telling me some serious news about their fam. And how could I walk away from him when he needs me?? I know him, I know he wont ever say he’s hurt… he’ll hold it all inside. Man, you never know what is gonna happen in life. Maybe this will be an eye opener but i dont know. Life is funny like that. Life throws things at you that you look at and dont think you can handle. I dont understand life but I love it… and I’m beginning to think that the spontaneous things are what I love the most. I never know what tomorrow is gonna bring and that to me is awesome. But one thing that I dont like… is that there are so many people who dont view life the way I do. People that are hurt by life and never take time to think that maybe things are meant to be. I care about him so much and at the end of the day my only concern is making sure he’s okay. I’m on the outside looking in so I see things clearer than he does. But if I were in his shoes I would be torn apart right now. He’s over there with no family, no real friends, and no one to really talk to… and I wish I could just be there for him cause I know he needs someone to show him that he’s not alone. And with 7 hours in between us… there’s no way I can get that message across to him. I was ready to turn my back on him but then life put a dent in my plan. I dont know if I’ll ever be able to walk away or if I ever want to but I know that even if it’s what I need to do… right now he needs me there more than I need space or time. He needs a friend, so I’m putting my selfishness to the side and am totally concerned about him… and I’m praying that his family pulls thru this and that everything works out for the better. But no matter what the outcome may be, he will know that I am here for him no matter what happens or where life takes us.

Loving Him

Tae’