[{GRaViTY}]

my letter to a friend…

Posted in decisions, determination, drama, friends, frustrations, Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on December 27, 2007
sometimes we do things that try to help other people but our actions come back to bite us. sometimes we walk away from certain situations regretting everything that has happened. sometimes people dont take time out to realize that your intentions were good, but instead they blame you for someone elses faults. am i responsible for everything that has happened over the past few weeks?? probably so. i can take that tho. i can accept the fact that all this has come from one simple conversation but i cant say that this is what i wanted. at the end of the day, i wanted to do something good but i guess my intentions have gone ignored. so from today on i am excusing myself from the situation. i just cant deal with the drama. you say that no one is to blame but yet you coming at me like this ish is my fault. really, i’ll take the blame. i’ll be held accountable for everything that has taken place and you can go on with ya fake story book romance but sooner or later the truth is going to bite you in the butt. truth is, there’s a good chance that i was out of line and so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i shouldn’t have spoke the truth when it was asked of me so i apologize for that. there’s a good chance that i should have just continued on with my good talk and encouragement because maybe then you guys would all be happy bout everything. so i’m sorry, really i am. im sorry for being real. im sorry for telling the truth. im sorry that the people you deal with are fake and you had to find out this way. im sorry that things caused problems for you. im sorry that some friendships are ruined. im sorry for not being this fake ass person who’s willing to smile in ya face and watch shiesty people walk over you. i know now that maybe in the future i should just keep my mouth shut because that would just make a better life for everyone. i know now that some people cant handle truth and would much rather live in ignorance as if deceit doesn’t have a face. i know now that some people dont appreciate or acknowledge when something was done to help them. so i’ll pack my shit and go. i’ll take all the havoc that i have caused and i’ll toss it out the window. i’ll walk away and allow you to go back to your blinded reality of what love really is. i dont blame you and i’m not mad at all, i’m just a lil bit frustrated with the way things turned out. i know that sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, i’ve been in your shoes plenty of times. so i wish only the best for you. i wish that you would give it your best shot and do what it takes to make things work the way they should. i wish that you would get what you deserve and thats nothing more than a smile on your face and happiness in your heart. but more than that, i hope that when you finally realize the truth it doesn’t hit you too hard. i have never regretting helping someone until now but it is what it is i guess. there’s nothing more that i can do or say to rectify the situation and so i’m doing the one thing that everyone would appreciate… im walking away. i cant undo whats been done nor can i change the past but i truely wish that you would have a great future… you deserve the best and maybe what you have is the best for you. 

sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Posted in acceptance, drama, friends, hurt, life, love, people I love, relationships, right vs. wrong by Tanae' A. on December 17, 2007

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

not a good night…not a good morning

Posted in complaining, drama, fighting, friends, frustrations, issues by Tanae' A. on November 14, 2007

so…im pissed. yesterday I spent the whole day getting the rest of my hair done and I swear to God that by the time I got up I was so friggin tired I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was sitting on the couch then Ashley pissed me off something serious so i hopped in the shower and got straight in the bed. her and shink really pissed me off tho cause they wanted to be up for 3 hours talking and laughing and being all loud like they had to sense… maybe they forgot that i have a job that i am required to go to… or maybe they just didn’t care. but whatever the case, it really frustrated me because i was already mad. then… at like 12:30 ashley wants to come in my room and wake me up out of my good sleep so that she can talk. someone tell me what the hell there is to talk about at 12:30 am when i have to wake up in 6 hours… i really just dont understand. but, to avoid another dumb argument i got up and talked and talked and talked and talked for 500 years ABOUT NOTHING!! granted… the first 20 minutes was relevant but the 4 hours after that was just dumb as hell. but the good thing is, in those hours that we sat up talking about nothing at all i somehow misplaced my attitude so i wasn’t mad. around 4 she rolled over to go to sleep but i was just wide awake for some reason. so i sat there for an hour and a half just watching her sleep and then i finally fell asleep and was forced to wake up at 7 this morning. although it was early and i was tired as hell, i was still happy. I woke up to a great morning…but of course something just has to steal my joy. tell me why this chick had an attitude… what for?? i have no effin clue. mind you, i just was woke up out of my sleep FOR HER to have a conversation WITH HER and then i sat up and couldn’t get back to sleep BECAUSE OF HER and she wants to wake up with the attitude… what is wrong with this world?? then this chickenhead gonna start talking some off the wall type stuff bout me like she really know me like that to make up her own lil assumptions about me. come on now, dont play yaself. so i really had to go off on her and then this big argument started and then out the blue she decides to apologize. well, shit, i wanna still be mad. she on my phone all giggly and laughing like its just a wonderful day and i really just want to smack her in her eye for saying some of the dumb stuff that she says. so now, i am sleepy, irritated, my head hurts, its raining and to top it all off… i have a frickin attitude with this chick. and the sad thing is that i was really planning on having a good day. see thats why i cant be around ppl for too long cause they start to piss me off… but maybe its true what they say:: its better to be pissed off then pissed on.

oh, and how bout after all that she gonna have the nerve to ask me if I can do her hair today… what the h do i look like?? really.

can old friendships be revived??

Posted in back to the past, drama, friends by Tanae' A. on August 23, 2007

last week i got a message from an old friend and it made me smile. me and this chick have been through some pretty deep water together and i guess a lot of years of issues and drama we parted ways. trust me when i say… we invented drama! LoL!! every week it was something new… if we weren’t fighting each other we were somewhere getting into some kind of trouble, side by side. We’ve got our share of memories, some good, most bad but i guess thru everything that we have managed to go thru there has always been that love there that has never gone anywhere. over the past few years we’ve talked about 2 times, haven’t even really seen each other but recently she reached out. i’m kinda skeptical about becoming friends again but i know that over the years both of us have matured and grown so i guess its worth a shot. there will never come a time that we will be best friends again or even anything close to it but i know that maybe we can go back to being cool. maybe do brunch or something one saturday. who knows??

some people are only for a season but some are a lifetime… i wonder which category she will fall under.

a different approach

A lot of times, i have the tendency to over react when it comes to certain people. I know that when it comes to people that I care about and love I will not tolerate anyone walking over them or giving the short end of the stick, especially when they do so much for other people. It’s just not right. One thing that I have yet to master is the art of humility. On Friday night someone that I am very close to got pushed over terribly in like 5 minutes time and just walked away from the situation like nothing happened. It frustrated me so bad because I know that she was upset, frustrated, hurt, and angry but in order to keep her dignity she didn’t even complain a bit. Instead she got her things and she walked away from it and continued on with her day. Just to see that kind of treatment pissed me off and I stood up on her behalf. Something needed to be said and/or done and so I took the initiative to let the people involved know that their actions were not cool. I let anger and frustration get the best of me and it didnt change anything. In fact, those involved were pissed because she decided to walk away and not complain about the situation. I look up to this person because she is like the model of what I want to be. She knows how to walk away from certain things and still does what she needs to do in ministry. She will dry her tears and remember what she’s in it for and it amazes me that she can do that. By the time Friday evening hit I wished I could go back in time and follow in her footsteps but I cant. The only thing that I can do is work on it in the future. I need to learn how to walk away from certain things that get to me and still do the work of ministry. Right now I’m being led towards either extreme. Either I’m totally speaking my mind about a situation and making things worse or im totally stepping away from everyone and everything. After this weekend I have decided to distance myself from everything but eventually I hope to get back into certain things with the right attitude and approach. My place is not in the pew and I know that. I have a desire to be a part of ministry but until I can master humility I think that is the best place for me right now. Just keep praying for me… I’m still growing.

What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.

Tae’

when I slip up I dont slip down…

The past two days have been spent glued to Heb’s blog… there is a certain post written OVER A YEAR AGO that has been recieving a lot of attention. I wonder if anyone knew this post would be this popular. It amazes me that there are never more than 3 or 4 responses on posts with topics about community and upbuilding our black community. But, there are over 50 responses from people who want to waste their time bashing Jamal Bryant. I dont understand that world in which we live.

Yes, rumor has it that Jamal made a few mistakes. Yes, he has most likely lost the trust of plenty people. And yes, he will probably have people walk away from the church and his teachings. But is all this really necessary?? If Jamal has really made this terrible decision, I believe first he needs to take that to God and repent. Second, he needs to take that to his wife, children, and family. He not only needs to make amends but he also needs to get this together and find a solution to the problem. THEN he can, if he wishes to, bring it to the attention of his church family and request their forgiveness.

What I dont understand is how some people, AS CHURCH PEOPLE, can kick a brother while he’s already down. Whether this is true or not, which I do think it is, him and his family have to be going thru a tough time right now. I know good and well that when I mess up I dont need nobody downing me because of my actions. We all make decisions and we all decide to do something wrong every once in a while and sometimes our decisions come back to kick us in the butt. And when that happens we have to take out to rethink what just happens and then do what we can do to make our wrongs somewhat right or simply learn from it and keep moving. I dont know how Jamal is going to pick hisself up… I dont know how he can earn back the trust of him family and church but I know that this will be impossible with people stepping on him not allowing him to redeem hisself.

He may have slipped up but at the end of the day he needs to have some of his FAITHFUL members encouraging him and sticking by his side no matter what. Prayerfully, after all of this Jamal will change for the better and his church will grow… not in numbers. The quantity doesn’t matter. All we can do is keep him, his family, and Empowerment Temple in constant prayer.

B.Blessed

Hateration

Posted in clothes, dey str8 fony, drama, fed-up, friends, frustrations, issues, life, move on by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

This weekend was not good. It was not bad either… It just was. I enjoyed myself as best as I could and I had fun during a few moments of a few days but I am honestly glad it is over with. One thing that I realized over the past three days is that some people will hate on you for no apparent reason at all. I mean the people that have no reason at all to hate will make it known that you have something that they want and will never have. No one hates on me… as far as I know, but I just sat back and watched the events of this weekend unfold and laughed to myself. I just dont understand. I mean, everyones hates on someone but theres a difference between hating and HATING. These females be hating like there’s no tomorrow. Like really, I hate, I’ve been jealous before, not necessarily of people but I have been jealous when someone had what I wanted. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I’m not even the type to down someone, especially a friend, when they got something or someone that I want. I just simply congratulate and get over it. It aint even that deep fa’real. But when females hate that you have something that they want and they really start to hate you, despise you, talk about you, and down you… then there is a problem. And males do it to. I just laugh at people like that because they are too dumb to see that they got something worth having right by their side. You worried about some other chicks dude and you got a good dude at home. You worried about her outfit and you got on a banging outfit ya self. You worried about what she got so much that what you had done been there and walked away 4 times before you even notice. Please just stop the hateration… it’s getting really old.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh…………..”

Posted in drama, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

THE DRAMA IS MAKING ME INSANE!!!

There comes a point in time where people just need to sit the hell back and really look at the situation at hand… IS IT REALLY THAT DEEP. You walk around with attitudes, huffing and puffing and blowing the whole damn house down… for what?? What is your temper tantrum going to solve. I can’t deal with the drama. I really cant. I dont know how much longer I can sit here and really take it. I am so tired of it. I wish they would all just quit it… Why cant they just grow up. It aint even that dag-on serious.