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i need to get this out…

Everyone knows that I hate drama. I cant stand it, dont want to be around, dont want to hear about it at all. But for some reason I have found myself right in the middle of it and I dont know how to get myself out without reverting to old ways. Point is, I need some help.

There’s a chick. We been cool for a good while now. Are we friends?? No, I wouldn’t say so… but we were really cool at one point in time. I would have to say that my problem with her began one day when she really just turned me off. She did something and it caused me to see a side of her that I really didn’t like. Did that change my perception of her?? No. We were still cool, I just know now what to expect in certain situations.

Sooner rather than later I started to see other things that I just didnt like about her. I no longer wanted to be around her as much or talk to her unless I had to. But, I still had respect for her. Then one day I got fed-up. I told someone how I felt about her. I asked them if I was wrong and if it was just me and they told me no. Then I decided that I needed to talk to her about how I felt and let it ride. In between my realizing my feelings toward her and actually talking to her a lot of stuff went down. I got caught up in a discussion about her and didn’t think twice about the people in the room. Somebody there went back and told her everything that was said about her including the fact that a rumor [that i didnt make up] was spread.

Was I upset that she found out what had been said?? No, if anything it bothered me because she found in a way I didnt want her to. I wanted to sit down and let her know on my own in a very respectful way but that didnt happen. Now, of course, she has an attitude which is understandable but I feel as tho this talking is going no where. I try to say things in a nice way but it seems as tho no matter how nice I am she comes back at me with attitude. Attidude is one thing that i do not know how to deal with. So when homegirl is sitting here trying to pop up real big.. I wanna smack her back down to miniature and cuss her out fa’real but I aint trying to go there this time around. I’m trying to be somebody better than that and although it would work wonders and get her to fall back, I would not feel too good about myself in the end. I want to walk away knowing that I still have my dignity and at least a little bit of respect. I dont know what can be done, I could apologize [which I really do not want to do] I can continue to go on with my life and let her believe what she wants about it all but I really dont want to let it end ugly because it all comes down to the big M word… Ministry.

I’m going to apologize but is that really all that I can do in this situation??

Posted in be the change, check ya flesh by Tanae' A. on July 9, 2007

You never really know a person until the s**t hits the fan. You think you know people and you really dont. You think you know yourself and you really dont. It’s cool to stay mellow when everything around you is on chills but the true test comes when something really goes down. Right now, I wouldn’t say that there is a lot of drama but there is a lot of things that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. One thing that I learned about myself this weekend is that I am def. changing for the better. Yesterday I was confronted about something and a lil bit ago I probably would’ve told homegurl about herself, hurt her feelins, and kept right on moving. But instead I took time out to listen to what she had to say. I responded respectfully and let her know that I also had a few issues with her that I would discuss at a later date when we had more time. I walked away content and she walked away with an attitude. I think I know why. Everyone got used to me reacting to certain things in a negative way. People prepare themselves before they come talk to me because they know that I’ll say something rude. Yesterday, I didnt do that and it shocked her. I dont know why I didnt go off on her, I dont even really like this chick that much to come at her correct after she came to me how she did. But something in me didn’t feel the need to get defensive. I just sat there, said what I had to say, and I even thanked her for coming at me with whatever issues she had. And from then on she mugged me like crazy but I didnt even get mad about that. I just laughed it off and let it be known that we would get everything out in the clear very soon. I thought it funny because someone that knows me very well even told homegurl not to step to me anyway because I really wouldnt care and her feelings would be hurt. Was he right?? Yeah he was. I didnt care, well I at least didn’t care about the situation at hand. I cared more about the simple fact that there was tension between us and until that gets settled there is no place for either one of us in ministry together. You cant have alto’s just singing off key cause the sopranos pissed you off… that aint right. Did I piss her off?? Yeah I did.. unintentionally. Did I hurt her feelings?? Yeah I did… it was funny but I didnt mean to. Quiet as its kept, I dont dislike this person, we have been cool for a minute now and I haven’t had any problems with her up until about a month ago. I just happen to dislike some of her ways and thats pretty much it. But overall she’s cool as long as we come to some sort of compromise. But I think more than anything, I shocked the hell outta myself on yesterday because I didn’t wild her out. Like 4 people came up to me and asked why I was so calm about it. Thats upset me more than anything. People know me [and my sister] as the twins who just pipe up real big soon as something go down. We’ll be the first ones to tell you about yourself and wont think twice about it. But I’m changing and I want people to see that. So instead of people having to prepare themselves before they say anything to me I want them to know that no matter what the situation I’m going to respond with respect. Am I perfect?? Far from it. Will every conversation from here on out go the way it did yesterday?? I doubt it very seriously. But I am trying to get better in that area. I’m sure that I’ll have my moments where I will revert back to the old ways and wild somebody out but I’m striving for excellence and excellent people dont just pipe up real big when someone tries to talk to them.

Keep Praying

Tae’

when friday arrives

Posted in check ya flesh, community, decisions, friends, frustrations, life by Tanae' A. on July 9, 2007

I think I found out a lot about myself this weekend. I was so excited to see Friday and when it finally came it was like a breathe of fresh air. I’m not sure what I really had to look forward to because I didnt have any plans. I wasn’t anxious to hit the weekend because I actually had a very good relaxing week. I wasn’t particularly joyous to hit the weekend but for some reason Friday just seemed so wonderful. I spent the entire day with my besties doing absolutely nothing. We chilled at my house, cleaned up, watched tv, sat outside, ate some cheese fries and tried our hardest to find something anything to do. Eventually we agreed to have some friends over and just hang out in the night time air. So thats what we did. Until almost 3:30 we sat outside playing card games, laughing having fun, we danced a lil, ate a lil and just had a nice chill time. By the time Saturday morning rolled around I was good and ready for some pancakes. And all day long Saturday we did the same thing at my besties house. We chilled, watched tv, played monopoly, ordered subs, cleaned up, took showers, went to pick up my nephew… then we made the stupidest mistake of the entire weekend…

WE WENT DOWN TO THE AFRAM…HOW STUPID!

It was my mother’s idea really. She wanted to see her gurl Patty. We drove all the way there… found a parking spot…got lost…and walked a whole 5 miles before we even got into the park. Once we got in, I developed a severe case of people phobia and was ready to go home but mommy insisted that we get something to eat. It was 10pm and still humid as hell and I was standing in line to get some chicken and fries for a whole 45 min. And when I get up there this lil short wig wearing lady tells me that they dont have anymore chicken fries or funnel cakes. No more greens or sweet potatoes… all they had was the last of the fish that looked like it was the bottom of the barrel and I swear to goodness I wanted to throw something at her. “Why wouldn’t you put up a sign so that people can stop wasting their precious time in this long line??” “I’m sorry ma’am we just ran out about an hour ago…” All I could do was walk away because I was really like a half of milli-second from telling her where to put her shriveled up bottom of the barrell fish. I just wanted to go home. So we’re walkin out of the park and I thought back and figured that maybe I should’ve told the other people in line that they didn’t have food so they wouldn’t stand there for so long but I was already at the exit. And soon as we walk out of the gates… a man in a wheelchair hits the curb and flips out of the chair at like too many miles per hour and everyone stands around not helping him. Finally two men come and help him up and the onlookers are still standing around… At that moment I knew for sure that it was time for me to go in the house. On the way home I thanked God that I was not confined to a wheelchair because I would have been real mad if those ignent black people were staring at me that way.

Am I looking forward to the weekend ahead of me… not really. I have somethings that I and another person have to deal with and I am not looking forward to it because it may end ugly and I dont want that to happen. If I am looking forward to anything it would have to be sitting down friday night with a whole lot of crabs, a few beers, and some slow jams… just kicking it with my gurls fa’real.

Tae’

((it’s not about me…or you))

I realized in the past month that there a lot of people that I dont like [in my church]. Now, let me break it down for you all. It pretty much falls into two categories… 1st there are the people that I just dont like && then there are the people that I dont like IN MINISTRY.

I have noticed however, that the persons who I just dont like are far better off in my book than those that I dont like in ministry… here’s why. In ministry, to me, nothing else matters. When we all are working together with one particular thing in mind all personal issues go out the door. I can put aside any personal feelings for an individual and do whatever it is that I need to do. I am also a talker. Before I flat out say that I dont like a person I will go to them and just say straight up… look I dont like this, this and this about you. In return they will point out what they dont like about me… and we ACCEPT it. There have been times when I have told people that they dont have to like this about me I aint changing but there also times when I look at myself and  I will work towards changing for the better. But my main purpose is to come to some sort of middle ground where we know.. I dont like this about you, you dont like this about me, ok… I respect your opinion and you respect mines.. lets hug move on and do what we came here to do.

If I have a problem with someone I WILL NOT SIT BACK && DOGG THEM OUT JUST BECAUSE. AND I DEF WONT HAVE THEM WALKING AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT THE PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SILENCE KILLS.

Now, the persons that I dont like IN MINISTRY have it bad as far as I am concerned. I can talk to you all day long and you can be the coolest person in the world but if I feel as tho you are doing nothing to build up ministry but instead you are using titles for your own selfish gain… Oh buddy, you cut. In the past month or so ministry has become such a priority that personal things really dont matter. I dont care how cool you are, when it comes time to do the work of the Lord and you sitting around faking the funk… trust. I will call you out. Not because I dont like you as a person but because I have no respect for you period.

There are plenty people in my church that I dont really bump wit like that. There are alot of people that I have come to an understanding with. But even those persons that I’m not really cool with… keep my respect because when it comes down to ministry we put our whole selves into it. I used to be the type, if I dont like you, I wont sing with you, dance with you, sit with you, speak to you, nothing. But there cant be division in ministry. When there are so many people with so many agendas God cannot be pleased. I’m striving to please God and no I am not perfect but in Ministry, I am striving for perfection. When persons in leadership are not on one accord there is division. When persons in ministry cant put personal issues to the side there is a hex in the plan.

Yes, there are quit a few people that I cannot stand but no one would ever know it except for me and that person because when it comes time to do something in the house of GOD it aint about me or them but its about HIM!!

Tae’

a different approach

A lot of times, i have the tendency to over react when it comes to certain people. I know that when it comes to people that I care about and love I will not tolerate anyone walking over them or giving the short end of the stick, especially when they do so much for other people. It’s just not right. One thing that I have yet to master is the art of humility. On Friday night someone that I am very close to got pushed over terribly in like 5 minutes time and just walked away from the situation like nothing happened. It frustrated me so bad because I know that she was upset, frustrated, hurt, and angry but in order to keep her dignity she didn’t even complain a bit. Instead she got her things and she walked away from it and continued on with her day. Just to see that kind of treatment pissed me off and I stood up on her behalf. Something needed to be said and/or done and so I took the initiative to let the people involved know that their actions were not cool. I let anger and frustration get the best of me and it didnt change anything. In fact, those involved were pissed because she decided to walk away and not complain about the situation. I look up to this person because she is like the model of what I want to be. She knows how to walk away from certain things and still does what she needs to do in ministry. She will dry her tears and remember what she’s in it for and it amazes me that she can do that. By the time Friday evening hit I wished I could go back in time and follow in her footsteps but I cant. The only thing that I can do is work on it in the future. I need to learn how to walk away from certain things that get to me and still do the work of ministry. Right now I’m being led towards either extreme. Either I’m totally speaking my mind about a situation and making things worse or im totally stepping away from everyone and everything. After this weekend I have decided to distance myself from everything but eventually I hope to get back into certain things with the right attitude and approach. My place is not in the pew and I know that. I have a desire to be a part of ministry but until I can master humility I think that is the best place for me right now. Just keep praying for me… I’m still growing.

What a Weekend

It took me a while to figure out if I really wanted to blog about the weekend that I just experienced. There was a lot of things that transpired that I’m still trying to come to grips with but I decided that maybe this will help me to kinda figure this whole thing out.

I must say for starters that this was a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and although there was a lot that could have caused these past few days to be terrible, I decided to ignore the distractions and deal with all the issues later.

As you all know, this weekend was the PCIF Conference that I was very skeptical about going to on Thursday. Of course, I went. Well, what happened at this conference? Glad you care enough to ask. On friday night, I went to a lovely banquet and enjoyed fellowship and conversation with my peers. After that, all the youth from all the churches got together for Midnight Madness which was totally fun. Around 2:15 we left and hung for a while and by 4:30 I was knocked out.

Saturday morning we slept in and got up around 9 to go to the youth session. At 11:30 we all got together for worship service that was way better than I ever expected it to be. And then we hung out around the pool. Played pingpong and even got a 15 min nap in. Worship service started at 7 and then it was on the road back home.

Sunday services were cool. We had to dance and by the time 3:00 came I was too sleepy to stand up straight. Well, whats the problem?? It seems like it was a fairly good weekend. I got a lot out of it. I found out a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me. I met some new people from different churches and was even able to sit and really fellowship with the youth from my church that I dont really have time to associate with. Here’s my problem…

When people that are only worried about themselves are placed in leadership positions, it causes confusion and headaches. When the people that have a heart of gold and will put other people before them are kicked to the back burner, things need to be changed. When people who will do whatever it takes to make sure that they get there’s are calling themselves leaders and are so caught up in the title, there will only be chaos and I saw the worst of it this weekend.

I have a heart for youth ministry. I think a lot of people know that by now. I try to keep communication going between myself and those younger than me and I try to give them some kind of direction. My main reason for doing this is the simple fact that I see such a big gap between the youth and members of the youth council. One day I hope to be apart of the youth council and I want to be one to bridge that growing gap.

The only reason why I am staying where I am staying is because I see a faithful few grit their teeth after getting the short end of the stick. They sacrifice and remain humble after being kicked to the curb. They work behind the scenes because they dont need to have their name in lights. They hold in their tears and do what they have to do respectfully. While others who need the validation of a title just sit around and do nothing for ministry as a whole. When you use a title for your own gain… Some thing is wrong.

I think it should be stated for the record that I do not have a problem with people in authority, I have a problem with people who abuse their authority. I get frustrated because I cant do anything about it. I cant down someone that is supposed to be a leader and I’m not even the type to down someone when I know I cant be in the position tha they are in. I think I know things that I probably shouldn’t know and that doesn’t do anything but add tomy frustrations.

I made up in my mind yesterday that after everything is said and done I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Is this the best thing to do?? Probably not, but I think that right now it’s the most respectful thing that I can do. And so the benefit everyone around me, I’ll just take a seat in Sunday morning worship and keep to myself. Not because of anything that anybody has done, but because I know how I can be. I can say some things that will do nothing but cause damage. I where my emotion on my face and I can come off as being very rude at times and the last thing I want to do is be named something that I’m not trying to be.

This weekend I learned that in due time, those that are only in it for themselves will get whats coming to them. They will be eventually forced to do one of two things… clean up their act and/or step down from their position. Will it happen in the near future?? Probably not. But I’m praying that it happens before things really crumble.

I dont know how I really should feel about this weekend. I dont know if this is the best decision yet. But I do know that I’m doing everything in my power to not get caught up in the confusion and chaos of it all. God will have his way, not only in youth ministry but in Shiloh as a whole and I’m praying that He does something wonderful beyond anything we could imagine. I think I’ll stick it out for the long haul. But in order to become the ministry that God wants us to become some people need to straighten up or roll out.

Thats just my opinion.

Tae’

when I slip up I dont slip down…

The past two days have been spent glued to Heb’s blog… there is a certain post written OVER A YEAR AGO that has been recieving a lot of attention. I wonder if anyone knew this post would be this popular. It amazes me that there are never more than 3 or 4 responses on posts with topics about community and upbuilding our black community. But, there are over 50 responses from people who want to waste their time bashing Jamal Bryant. I dont understand that world in which we live.

Yes, rumor has it that Jamal made a few mistakes. Yes, he has most likely lost the trust of plenty people. And yes, he will probably have people walk away from the church and his teachings. But is all this really necessary?? If Jamal has really made this terrible decision, I believe first he needs to take that to God and repent. Second, he needs to take that to his wife, children, and family. He not only needs to make amends but he also needs to get this together and find a solution to the problem. THEN he can, if he wishes to, bring it to the attention of his church family and request their forgiveness.

What I dont understand is how some people, AS CHURCH PEOPLE, can kick a brother while he’s already down. Whether this is true or not, which I do think it is, him and his family have to be going thru a tough time right now. I know good and well that when I mess up I dont need nobody downing me because of my actions. We all make decisions and we all decide to do something wrong every once in a while and sometimes our decisions come back to kick us in the butt. And when that happens we have to take out to rethink what just happens and then do what we can do to make our wrongs somewhat right or simply learn from it and keep moving. I dont know how Jamal is going to pick hisself up… I dont know how he can earn back the trust of him family and church but I know that this will be impossible with people stepping on him not allowing him to redeem hisself.

He may have slipped up but at the end of the day he needs to have some of his FAITHFUL members encouraging him and sticking by his side no matter what. Prayerfully, after all of this Jamal will change for the better and his church will grow… not in numbers. The quantity doesn’t matter. All we can do is keep him, his family, and Empowerment Temple in constant prayer.

B.Blessed

Compromise

Posted in back track, be the change, check ya flesh, church, decisions, family, issues, seperation, [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

A lil whie back I asked a friend of mine who was recently married what it was like to live with someone. She broke it down to washing dishes. She said his mother had shown him how to do dishes one way and her mother showed her a completely different way so they had to come to a point where they just said ok… this is how we are going to wash our dishes. My first thought after hearing that was well… how many ways are there to really wash dishes?? LoL!! I guess I recently realized that it wasn’t about the dishes, it was about the compromise. A lot of problems start when someone says “Well, I want to wash my dishes my way and forget about your way” That “I” mentality needs to be shut down real fast. There has to be some sort of middle ground and the sad thing about it is that… a lot of people refuse to move out of their selfishness. But in pointing the finger at other people I had to really think about my own self in a certain situation. I’m happy to say that in the past week I have compromised and honestly, it feels good. Maybe we need to have a lesson on washing dishes… cause a few people still stuck on what Mama done taught them. Maybe we should get the entire youth council and some of the youth to take a private dish washing class… oops… didnt mean to say that out loud!! LoL!!

whoa…back track homie

Posted in back track, check ya flesh, decisions, karma, life by Tanae' A. on May 23, 2007

There are a few times in life that we have to sit back and question why we are doing certain things and what the outcome will be. A lot of times, when my mind is made up about something than thats all she wrote… I’m going thru with it. But this one time I slowed down and really took time out to think about what would come out of the decision that I had made. Luckily I eased onto the brakes before I ran head first into something that I would regret. One thing that my mother has always told me no matter what, never do things out of spite or to get revenge. I usually listen to my mom when she says stuff like that because I have seen some people reap what they sow and it was nothing pretty. Karma really is a bummer. But this one time I didnt really wanna listen to mommy and I wanted to do this anyway… not just to get someone back but to also benefit me. In the end… It probably wouldn’t matter what I was doing it for… I knew it was wrong when I planned it down to the very last detail. So now I have to back track and dismiss any plans that I had and I’m just thankful that something woke me up before I jumped into this mess. God is always on time.

Tae’

becoming something I dont want to be

Posted in be the change, check ya flesh, fed-up, frustrations, issues, life, Tae' by Tanae' A. on May 22, 2007

This morning I kinda scared myself a lot. I never ever wake up so frustratedd. I usually wake up happy…no matter what time it is, especially on mornings like today when the sun wakes me at the perfect time. I dont know what happened tho. I was just mad. I got up and everything around me just got me so irritated and I really had to sit back a think about why I was so frustrated.

Things that aren’t supposed to get to me are beginning to take a major toll on me and I dont wanna be the type to just blow up one day on any given person. I try not to let things bother me… I just brush everything off because its really not that serious. There are so many better things to worry about on a day to day basis rather than the little stuff that kit-picking at my brain.

I think I just need some time to really re-evaluate some things and figure out what it is that is really pushing me over the edge. I dont like the person I am becoming.

Tae’