[{GRaViTY}]

another life taken…

Posted in back track, death, hurt, lost one by Tanae' A. on June 4, 2009

ii come to you with sad news today. another life has been taken away nd its hard to believe. its like after high school you lose contact with people and when you do talk to those old friends its only thru the wonderful world of myspace nd facebook. but one thing is for sure…you never forget those .real. people that were there. Anthony Benitez was one of them. ii remember the first time we met and ii HATED him lol. he rode up in his nice azz car while we was on the bus stop. picked up Ke nd left the rest of us standing there IN THE RAIN. ii cussed him out something serious that day nd for about two months we couldnt stand each other. then one day he comes up to me nd says “Twin, ima drive you home today… pay back from the last time”… it wasnt raining nd ii damn sure wasnt at the bus stop but ii took his ride nd since that day we were cool peoples. he was the sweetest person ever nd that was the side of him that he tried to hide. but no matter how hard he tried ii think everybody got a glimpse of that pure.ness at some time or another. Benny was nothing short of amazing… nd someone took him from us too soon. ive only seen him a handful of times after ii walked outta dundalks doors for the last time 4 years ago but ii could never forget someone like him. a community .a.family. is yet again scarred by a life stolen… he will surely be missed.

RiP Anthony Benitez. 88-09 not enough yrs on this earth nd in our lives

ii think ii just fell in love all over again :)

Posted in back to the past, back track, church, memories, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on July 11, 2008
you know how you have that one thing from when you were little that just makes you smile all over just thinking about it because for two seconds when you get to relive that memory you feel like you were ten all over again?? well thats how ii felt a few minutes ago when ii spotted someone with penny candy. oh.dear.Jesus. it was as if ii had seen the light and went to my own personal heaven for all of two minutes. ii haven’t had penny candy in ssooossooossoossoo long. and it took me back to them good ol friendship days when we would ALL walk from my grandmothers house to sunday school and on the way we would all stop at Speed’s just to get two dollars in penny candy.a piece. it was the only way we could stay woke during the service lol. by the time we got back in the house we would be emptying out pockets and purses that were stuffed to the max with wrappers and we would all get yelled at for eating all that candy in church. after while our parents just stopped fussing about it. right now. ii got me a whole bag of penny candy. no, ii cant eat it all in two hours…ill prob die if ii tried. but by the end of two days im sure ill be cleaning my purse of all the wrappers that ii will be sure to leave behind. ii feel like a kid again and it feels damn good. see what penny candy will do to?? lmao.

my poo butt shay…

In the 6th grade I met a lot of crazy girls!! LoL!! They were my chicks all thru middle school…we got in trouble together, we fought with each other, we beefed over dumb stuff, we supported each other and we tried our best to give each other advice about issues that none of us knew about. I remember all the fights and good times and memories back at DMS… those were the good days. After middle school most of us went our seperate ways. About 4 of us went to the same high school and the rest of them were history. One of them girls that tagged along to high school was Shay, we were closest to her out of all them crazies. But anyways, since the first day of middle school til like 11th grade it was us three: Shanae’, Tanae’ and Nashay [yes all three of our names rhyme!!] Eventually Shay moved and she was no longer there everyday but we still kept in touch. She was still there for all the occasions and two years later she was still calling us her ‘best friends’ LoL!! I love my chick…she has been thru a lot in the past two years and yesterday we sat down and had a super long talk about so much stuff that she has been dealing with. So, I’ll make it my business to be there for her and I’ll make sure that she is in church bright and early sunday morning and i’ll do what I can to help her to rebuild that relationship with God. She just needs to know that no matter how many times you turn away from Him, He’ll always be there waiting for you to turn back to Him. Bottom line, I love my poo butt Shay and for the longest time, she has been there for me holding me down so now its time to be there for her. She is my longest friend and there are not too many people that I can truely call a friend but she is one of them.

if I had things my way

So, a lot of times I seem to get lost in my own thoughts. Well today I was just thinking, if I had everything in my life the way I wanted it to be how would it go?? Well, this is what I came up with.

 

For starters, I would not change anything that happened before Dec 2005. And really I wouldn’t change to much that happened after Dec. 2005 either, so here’s what I would change. I would change the fact that I ever became friends with, dated, or fell in love with James. Thats it. How lovely. Now let me explain before someone gets the wrong idea. If I had my way, I would take all of those happenings out of Dec 2005 and graciously move them to Dec. 2009. And you all are wondering why… the reason is quite simple really, in 2009 there will be no school. He would be completely through with school. So it would save me a lot of heartache and headache and I would be actually happy with him. And simply because James would not be in the picture I would have the opportunity to take things a lil further with this other dude without feeling completely bad about it. But since I cant change the past… this is what I would have happen in the future.

 

I think, well I know, that the first three things that I would have happen if I had my way is… 1. I would get a big fat check somewhere in the mail and I would use that to pay off the one bill that I have left, register for college and purchase the car that I have to wait until february to get. 2. I would have all of my poems somewhat close to being published and 3. I would give the youth ministry cpr and miraculously bring it back to life so that I can deal with all the stresses of keeping it well and kicking.

 

After that, I would go back to school, get a promotion [maybe that is asking a bit to much but that is what i would have happen], make enough money to make sure that my mother wasn’t struggling, fix up the big house from top to bottom and move out of my mom’s house… all in a year. And in 2009 I would be ready to transfer to a university [because i would have worked just that hard to get a two year program completed in one], I would have ridded my life of all the people that were nothing but distractions [all of whom are of the male sex for some reason, but that is neither here nor there], I would have started from scratch a healthy relationship with my honey, and I would be well on my way to success because by the middle of 2009 I would be expecting my 2nd promotion which includes a darn good raise and some major benefits, and I would be able to take a vacation to wherever I want and not have to worry about money, and I would be able to send my mother on a vacation to anywhere that she wanted to go for however long she wanted to go and there would be nothing she had to worry about except what she’s going to pack.

 

By the time 2013 hit I would plan to be married with two kids with a good paying job that allows me to spend time with my children and still be able to live comfortably. I want a nice house with a big back yard and front yard. I want two dogs, one for me and one for him. I want a playground in the back. I want one of those couch looking things that swing on my front porch and I want my own private bathroom in my room. I want a family day once a month to talk and eat and laugh and play with my kids and my husband. I want my mom to be happy and financially stable. By then I would have moved my NaNa somewhere, anywhere and I would be taking care of all her expenses. I would be making sure that my lil cousins are in college and doing their best and I will have coffee and bagels every saturday morning with my besties. And a girls night once a month and we’ll stay in and have drinks and lay around with our phones turned off and we’ll talk like we were back in high school, about boys and issues and there would be no thoughts of family or money or men or house cleaning or washing clothes or none of the other grown up stuff that we have to do every other day of our lives. I would go on a vacation once every three months, just me and my honey, and we would enjoy each others company and just have fun like back when we were dating. And last but not least… I would be happy. I would have a family and an education and a job and some damn good friends and I would be happy. I would want to wake up every morning and I would have a smile on my face every night and I would be happy.

 

If I could plan my life, thats what I would do. All those simple things is what I would expect. And sure, there would be some issues in between but I would be content with the smile that I had shining every single day. I would be blessed beyond abundance and joyful just because I am alive and surrounded by all the people I love the most.

 

Thats how my life would go if I had things my way…

i need a bigger word than blessed

I think I just had the most powerful thought provoking conversation that I have ever had with anyone in a very very long time, if ever. I was sitting here and I always seem to get a lil figgety on Fridays so I decided to see who was on aim. And what do ya know.. Meeka hits me up. So at first we are just talking casually about life and everything that we are doing and have done. Mind you, I have not talked to her in forever and 3 years. But we sitting here just talking and then the conversation takes a turn. She tells me that God is really blessing her and I agree. She tells me all these things that he has been revealing to her and it blows my mind because I never in a million years thought that I would be having this conversation with her. God is just awesome. It amazes me how much he is doing in all of our lives really. I mean, we have all grown up so much and we used every single obstacle to make us stronger and here we are blessed beyond abundance and none of us can complain. I look at her and see what God has brought her from and I just get excited because if you knew Meek back then you would know how much work he had to do on her. I look at Nish and I am so proud of my sister. She is happily married and she has e beautiful baby gurl and she is living everyday trusting that God will guide her thru. Everybody judged her. Everybody said that things wouldn’t work but she had a faith big enough to get her to where she is now and there’s nothing I can do but be happy for her because she is living the way that she is supposed to be living. I look around at everyone and see the lil crazy gurls that we used to be and I cant complain because every day aint great and every moment aint all smiles but I am so happy that I am not the same person that I used to be. I am happy to know that I can call up my sisters and talk to them about the goodness of God and that right there to me signifies growth.

I’m proud of us… I think we did alright.

Things are not what they appear to be…

Posted in back track, celebrations, change, death, events, life && death, lost one by Tanae' A. on September 6, 2007

Right now I am super excited and super thankful to God because the story was all wrong. It turns out that the accident was not at all the fault of the young lady that was driving the car that Brielle was in. Here is what happened. Apparently, there was a collision between two cars and the young lady tried to avoid hitting them and she drove into the other lane. When she did that she was hit by two cars. There was a couple there that saw the entire incident go down and the story has been backed up. Soon it will be revised for the news and I am happy to know that the driver of the car, who is still in a coma, will not have to wake up and think that she was responsible for Brielle’s death. This is good news guys. Does it make losing her any easier?? Not at all. But at least we know that it was not this girls fault.

To everyone that is grieving right now just know that she is in such a better place. Right now she is living a better life than all of us because she is walking around in heaven with God. They say we should rejoice when people die and when babies are born we should cry. I just know that Brielle has been joined with more angels up in heaven and she’s looking down on all of us including the driver of that vehicle.

R.I.P. Brielle, you are free to fly up in the skies and be the angel that you were truely meant to be… you are loved.

a different approach

A lot of times, i have the tendency to over react when it comes to certain people. I know that when it comes to people that I care about and love I will not tolerate anyone walking over them or giving the short end of the stick, especially when they do so much for other people. It’s just not right. One thing that I have yet to master is the art of humility. On Friday night someone that I am very close to got pushed over terribly in like 5 minutes time and just walked away from the situation like nothing happened. It frustrated me so bad because I know that she was upset, frustrated, hurt, and angry but in order to keep her dignity she didn’t even complain a bit. Instead she got her things and she walked away from it and continued on with her day. Just to see that kind of treatment pissed me off and I stood up on her behalf. Something needed to be said and/or done and so I took the initiative to let the people involved know that their actions were not cool. I let anger and frustration get the best of me and it didnt change anything. In fact, those involved were pissed because she decided to walk away and not complain about the situation. I look up to this person because she is like the model of what I want to be. She knows how to walk away from certain things and still does what she needs to do in ministry. She will dry her tears and remember what she’s in it for and it amazes me that she can do that. By the time Friday evening hit I wished I could go back in time and follow in her footsteps but I cant. The only thing that I can do is work on it in the future. I need to learn how to walk away from certain things that get to me and still do the work of ministry. Right now I’m being led towards either extreme. Either I’m totally speaking my mind about a situation and making things worse or im totally stepping away from everyone and everything. After this weekend I have decided to distance myself from everything but eventually I hope to get back into certain things with the right attitude and approach. My place is not in the pew and I know that. I have a desire to be a part of ministry but until I can master humility I think that is the best place for me right now. Just keep praying for me… I’m still growing.

Compromise

Posted in back track, be the change, check ya flesh, church, decisions, family, issues, seperation, [Y.R.P] by Tanae' A. on June 11, 2007

A lil whie back I asked a friend of mine who was recently married what it was like to live with someone. She broke it down to washing dishes. She said his mother had shown him how to do dishes one way and her mother showed her a completely different way so they had to come to a point where they just said ok… this is how we are going to wash our dishes. My first thought after hearing that was well… how many ways are there to really wash dishes?? LoL!! I guess I recently realized that it wasn’t about the dishes, it was about the compromise. A lot of problems start when someone says “Well, I want to wash my dishes my way and forget about your way” That “I” mentality needs to be shut down real fast. There has to be some sort of middle ground and the sad thing about it is that… a lot of people refuse to move out of their selfishness. But in pointing the finger at other people I had to really think about my own self in a certain situation. I’m happy to say that in the past week I have compromised and honestly, it feels good. Maybe we need to have a lesson on washing dishes… cause a few people still stuck on what Mama done taught them. Maybe we should get the entire youth council and some of the youth to take a private dish washing class… oops… didnt mean to say that out loud!! LoL!!

lessons and seasons

Lately, everything in my life has been going exactly the way I want it to go which is strangely unusual. This just means that something is coming up really soon. Of course, I have stress everyday and some things/people can push me over the edge but for the most part everything is peachy. I realized yesterday that I am going to school in the fall. I dont know where it came from but I was sitting there and I just thought that maybe I should go… I have nothing to lose and everything to gain… so I’ll go to register today after work…finally. I also realized that I desperately want to be a part of the youth coucil at my church. I want to be one of the one’s that makes the decisions but more importantly I want to be the one to build the gap between the youth and the council. There are a few who take time out to really interact with the youth but I dont think it’s being done enough. I guess this is just further evidence that I am falling in love with youth ministry as a whole. I’ll pray bout that… I got some things to work on before I step into a leadership position. Another thing that I realized yesterday is that I am nothing without my friends. Yesterday evening I talked to my ex-room mate whome I haven’t spoken to in at least a good 2 months. We both kinda just got lost in our seperate lives and although we talk about every 3 months or so… it’s not enough. So I did the best thing that I could think to do… I invited her to church… Youth Day 2007. She’ll spend the entire day with me and I am excited about it. I haven’t hung out with her in sooo long and I honestly miss my sis. Everyday is full of lessons that we have to hang on to and process. The most valuable lessons that I learned yesterday:: 1. My mom is absolutely amazing and I love her dearly… no I didn’t just learn that but that fact kinda smacked me in the face last night. 2. Some people are only meant to be involved in certain things for a season and after while they have to leave. No one can fill someone elses shoes but any one can take a certain someones place. In a lil while someone that I love dearly will be making transition to somewhere she thinks is better for her and I am crushed…not for personal reasons but mainly because I dont know what will happen to whats left of them. A lot of times her words, actions, and influence is what has driven and now she is politely dismissing herself… I’m praying.

*for everything there is a season*

can i go home yet??

Posted in back track, cold, events, family, frustrations, heat, issues, work by Tanae' A. on May 29, 2007

Sooo… yesterday was a very good monday. I was able to sleep past 6:30… YaY… It felt soo good to roll over at 10:30 and smell breakfast in the air… [I love my mommy!!] I slept about half the day on and off and got some good cleaning done. Okay, how bout, I was super excited to watch Montel and the stories… LoL!! I went to bed around 11 and slept so great. I woke up happy this morning to be going to work. I was up and dressed a good 20 minutes before schedule and even had time to go to the store. Sorry to say, as soon as I walked through the door I was ready to turn around and go back the way I came… it is at most 30 degrees in this building and they will not turn the air down or the heat up… I have on some holey sweater that aint doing nothing to keep me warm at all and I am desperately praying for 4:15 to hurry up and get here so I can go home. I thank God for air but gosh darnit… this is ‘walk in freeza, hurry up and get the meat’ type of cold… this is ‘middle of  winter, snow ball fight, frost bite toes’ type of cold… no…this is ‘the Titanic done sank, send a boat to save me and my chil’ren’ type of cold… I NEED HEAT!!!!